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Seperated. (Wife wants a divorce, but me and my family and her family do not!!)

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  • Seperated. (Wife wants a divorce, but me and my family and her family do not!!)

    As Salaam Walikum,

    I will keep this short as possible, I am 32 wife is 30, we have been married for nearly 2 years from April 2018, Alhamdullilah it was a good marriage, we had laughs and fun, we did so much together, but sadly I had this addiction of drugs and webcams before I married her, I massively cut down since we have been married, and she has forgiven me many times. (amazing woman, most wont) I felt like she came in my life for a reason, I have been clean from drugs in well over a year, but my webcam issue was not resolved, I got caught watching it while she was on her period and she came back home early and caught pictures and videos of the women I spoke to. I will say one thing, I have never physically cheated on her and never would or had any urges, these whims and desires I did is because of a routine Ive had for years and it carried on just for the sake of it.

    Anyway she left the home, we moved in to a new house and I had to give it up and take all our belongings out when we just moved in, she has moved to her parents house now and I have moved to mine since 20th January 2019, she has been left betrayed and understandly angry. I felt like this is the kick in the butt I needed, I have started to pray more than I usually do, I now attend dhikrs, counselling sessions, I am truly remorseful and regretful, I have done so much Instagfar and pleaded Allah to forgive me, I am spending time sorting myself out and never have I done this much before, I wish I did this sooner as I have now can safely say the problem is eradicted. Its sad because I did other good things, I would help her clean, cook, provide for her, have fun, go out, never have I hit her or swore at her, I have been a good husband, she loves me so dearly, but she is so hurt by this, she says she cant forgive me and is betrayed, I understand where she is coming from, her family are saying give him a chance, ever since this has happened, she has constantly been asking for a divorce, when will I get the papers, hurry up, she does not want to reconcile.

    Yesterday night she got angry because I have been communicating with her brothers and she messaged me saying 'how dare you, you liar, you go behind my back to talk to my brothers, go f yourself' she has never swore at me like that before, I dont understand whats wrong with speaking to her family to sort our issues out. I feel she has completey lost herself and needs help. She is not working right now so she in her room at her parents house most of the day and thinks and thinks, all she keeps saying to me is all I see is the girl I saw on the webcam and its to late for you to change, I said I am fully sorted, lets talk about this, lets not try and break up a community, she is on deaf ears she does not want anyone to come to her house to talk about this.

    Obviously Alhamdullilah I am a fully changed man, I value my marriage dearly, I dont want to divorce her, hence why I have been getting help, more on my deen, speaking to good muslim brothers and spending time doing things that benefit me, I have never felt better for change, but she says it to late I cant forget what you did.

    What can I do? (All her family and my family want this to work) I just feel her health is gonna get worse just thinking all day without communication, she just keeps messaging me being angry and demanding stuff such as the divorce when I want this to go easy, I want her to think before she wants this, take a few months out, but she is adamant for a divorce, I do not believe its the right choice.

    Jazakallah Khair.
    Last edited by TeeTee; 09-02-20, 10:44 PM.

  • #2
    happnd to my parents too. my dad was also like you. but he was worse he would drink alcohol everyday and talk to women on webcam. but after a big fight with my dad and my mother he decicided to change and put effort in to salah and stuff and step by step by his effort and Allah blessed him and he quit every bad deeds and he started to learn to read quran and pray 5 times a day and now they are living happily after. dont divorse brother espassialy if you have childern and you will suceed inshaallah!

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by masterchef2323 View Post
      happnd to my parents too. my dad was also like you. but he was worse he would drink alcohol everyday and talk to women on webcam. but after a big fight with my dad and my mother he decicided to change and put effort in to salah and stuff and step by step by his effort and Allah blessed him and he quit every bad deeds and he started to learn to read quran and pray 5 times a day and now they are living happily after. dont divorse brother espassialy if you have childern and you will suceed inshaallah!
      Alhamdullilah I'm jealous of that in a good way because I want mine to work as well, I don't want to divorce bro, it's her who wants it, I just want her to know how much I've changed and it's different this time rather than the fake promises I gave last time to change, I don't have children, but we was ready to have them before this happened, I'm in true regret for what I did, I just wish she could give me a try again and we can slowly build the trust back up, but she says she has no trust in me anymore and never will and wants divorce as she is damaged.

      Comment


      • #4
        It's not good for my health to get #triggered



        But I will behave and be civil with you

        She has tolerated alot and things will never be the same again.

        Once your spouse knows what you did, they will never forget. You lose that full respect you once had before the disloyal days.

        This betrayal of trust will always come up in future arguments or conversations.

        It's hard to leave behind because what you did is surrounded with confusion and unanswered questions.

        You had a good wife, you admit this but you still grazed off the cliff.

        Keep trying with her but she is better off in a new relationship with a 100% loyal man who knows how to disclipline his desires. Loyalty is a big part of marriage. It holds the marriage together.

        She should know that you want her, don't let her end this without her knowing how you feel. This is quite important.

        She is in her rights to get angry. You hurt her and you expect so much from a decent wife.

        You had it good but threw it away for some skank on webcams. Now it's too late, you took the blessings of a good marriage for granted. Oh well.

        It is a lesson and the good thing is you have placed importance to religion.

        The problem is that men like yourself are all over the place and they are being given too many chances.

        ​​​​​​They don't learn and keep repeating their mistakes.

        Keep trying and if I was talking to your wife I would say to her to separate from you for a bit and then consider marriage counselling with both of you involved.

        She should consider praying isthikaara. Maybe a close family member can encourage her because divorce, well, for us women unfortunately, it is worse. You can get married to any random woman but us women, we have to live with the consequences of your actions


        Now, that my 'brother' is sad.


        ​​​​​​
        Last edited by Ya'sin; 09-02-20, 11:22 PM.
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
          It's not good for my health to get #triggered



          But I will behave and be civil with you

          She has tolerated alot and things will never be the same again.

          Once your spouse knows what you did, they will never forget. You lose that full respect you once had before the disloyal days.

          This betrayal of trust will always come up in future arguments or conversations.

          It's hard to leave behind because what you did is surrounded with confusion and unanswered questions.

          You had a good wife, you admit this but you still grazed off the cliff.

          Keep trying with her but she is better off in a new relationship with a 100% loyal man who knows how to disclipline his desires. Loyalty is a big part of marriage. It holds the marriage together.

          She should know that you want her, don't let her end this without her knowing how you feel. This is quite important.

          She is in her rights to get angry. You hurt her and you expect so much from a decent wife.

          You had it good but threw it away for some skank on webcams. Now it's too late, you took the blessings of a good marriage for granted. Oh well.

          It is a lesson and the good thing is you have placed importance to religion.

          The problem is that men like yourself are all over the place and they are being given too many chances.

          ​​​​​​They don't learn and keep repeating their mistakes.

          Keep trying and if I was talking to your wife I would say to her to separate from you for a bit and then consider marriage counselling with both of you involved.

          She should consider praying isthikaara. Maybe a close family member can encourage her because divorce, well, for us women unfortunately, it is worse. You can get married to any random woman but us women, we have to live with the consequences of your actions


          Now, that my 'brother' is sad.


          ​​​​​​
          Jazakallah Khair for a prompt response, better coming from a sister, yeah I had a addiction, a silly one and realised a bit tad to late that I have changed, I reckon if I physically cheated or abused her or hit her it would had been over right away, but right now all she wants is divorce. Your right skanks on webcam shows it now disgusts me since I have really got my Deen grasped, it's a lesson for sure, I am also thinking about her regarding the divorce it's harder for the women and I don't want her to suffer like that.

          Her last time reply to me was 'f yourself' because I spoke to her brothers to help us reconcile which I thought was harsh as Allah mentions arbitration in the Qur'an with families but she thinks it's wrong, and now has blocked me.

          Do you think I should message her on one of her social media pages as she has blocked me on WhatsApp? I really don't want divorce what could I even say to her?

          Comment


          • #6
            She has no reason to believe that you've changed, other than taking your word for it. I honestly don't blame her.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              She has no reason to believe that you've changed, other than taking your word for it. I honestly don't blame her.

              I agree wish she could see it though, it's sad because I've become so different since this episode and usually I would take her forgiveness for granted but not anymore, she did something I thought she never would wish she threatened me with this before, I agree with what your saying like the sister was saying it's a lesson learned as long as I'm repented and sorted myself out it's all I can do to never do this again to ruin someone else if she does not come back and believe me it's not happening as I am good man other wise Allah could had easily took my life away while doing an evil sin.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by TeeTee View Post

                Jazakallah Khair for a prompt response, better coming from a sister, yeah I had a addiction, a silly one and realised a bit tad to late that I have changed, I reckon if I physically cheated or abused her or hit her it would had been over right away, but right now all she wants is divorce. Your right skanks on webcam shows it now disgusts me since I have really got my Deen grasped, it's a lesson for sure, I am also thinking about her regarding the divorce it's harder for the women and I don't want her to suffer like that.

                Her last time reply to me was 'f yourself' because I spoke to her brothers to help us reconcile which I thought was harsh as Allah mentions arbitration in the Qur'an with families but she thinks it's wrong, and now has blocked me.

                Do you think I should message her on one of her social media pages as she has blocked me on WhatsApp? I really don't want divorce what could I even say to her?
                Her swearing is just her anger, all this time she supported you, allow her to insult you for the time being

                Don't worry about her being harsh, honestly what did you expect? Her to show you mercy?

                There is always a breaking point and this is her most vulnerable time.

                Regarding the label of divorce, don't use that as an excuse
                It isn't always a gloom for all women, but there is that stigma

                Don't think that she won't survive without you, Allah is the one who gives blessings and heals broken hearts.

                You will have to go and visit her family, try to see her face to face.

                Beg for forgiveness, get down on your knees and pour
                ​​​​​​ your heart out.

                If you truly love her and care about her, you have to do everything to show her that you are not giving up.

                This doesn't guarantee that she will change her mind, it will show her that you did everything within your power to get her back. If a divorce does take place it will give you some comfort that you didn't leave it hanging.

                What is she like, how does she usually appreciate things, you know her well enough so do what it takes to remind her

                From everything you said, I think she will end it.

                Don't give up. Dealing with someone addicted to drugs is a huge responsibility, just remember that she was there for you when you were going through a rough patch.

                Stay in touch with her for as long as possible.






                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by TeeTee View Post


                  I agree wish she could see it though, it's sad because I've become so different since this episode and usually I would take her forgiveness for granted but not anymore, she did something I thought she never would wish she threatened me with this before, I agree with what your saying like the sister was saying it's a lesson learned as long as I'm repented and sorted myself out it's all I can do to never do this again to ruin someone else if she does not come back and believe me it's not happening as I am good man other wise Allah could had easily took my life away while doing an evil sin.
                  we have to be consistent in good deeds, mash Allah you have changed but don't let that get to your head

                  I don't know why you're saying that Allah could have taken your life away but because you are a good man that didn't happen

                  Lol

                  We shouldn't be so confident
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                    Her swearing is just her anger, all this time she supported you, allow her to insult you for the time being

                    Don't worry about her being harsh, honestly what did you expect? Her to show you mercy?

                    There is always a breaking point and this is her most vulnerable time.

                    Regarding the label of divorce, don't use that as an excuse
                    It isn't always a gloom for all women, but there is that stigma

                    Don't think that she won't survive without you, Allah is the one who gives blessings and heals broken hearts.

                    You will have to go and visit her family, try to see her face to face.

                    Beg for forgiveness, get down on your knees and pour
                    ​​​​​​ your heart out.

                    If you truly love her and care about her, you have to do everything to show her that you are not giving up.

                    This doesn't guarantee that she will change her mind, it will show her that you did everything within your power to get her back. If a divorce does take place it will give you some comfort that you didn't leave it hanging.

                    What is she like, how does she usually appreciate things, you know her well enough so do what it takes to remind her

                    From everything you said, I think she will end it.

                    Don't give up. Dealing with someone addicted to drugs is a huge responsibility, just remember that she was there for you when you were going through a rough patch.

                    Stay in touch with her for as long as possible.





                    Yeah I'm confident in the sense that God has given me chances and believe in no way did I ever say she won't find happiness, infact I'm not bitter, I have helped her with her belongings, dropped her belongings off let her keep many things that I didn't have to give so she deserves happiness even if that meant without me. I am not the victim here, she is, I take full responsibility for what I have done and realising it like you said it's to late now I reckon, she admanat it won't work, the pleading thing won't work she has heard it before and she won't let me come to her parents house, I guess I have to take this marriage as a divorce now and move on and make sure I don't do this again, a man can either depress himself and never be the same again, or he can learn from this and get closer to Allah, I have never been more closer to him now than I have in my life I guess if was meant to happen.

                    I hope to have some hope it could work, I really don't think it will like you said.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by TeeTee View Post

                      Yeah I'm confident in the sense that God has given me chances and believe in no way did I ever say she won't find happiness, infact I'm not bitter, I have helped her with her belongings, dropped her belongings off let her keep many things that I didn't have to give so she deserves happiness even if that meant without me. I am not the victim here, she is, I take full responsibility for what I have done and realising it like you said it's to late now I reckon, she admanat it won't work, the pleading thing won't work she has heard it before and she won't let me come to her parents house, I guess I have to take this marriage as a divorce now and move on and make sure I don't do this again, a man can either depress himself and never be the same again, or he can learn from this and get closer to Allah, I have never been more closer to him now than I have in my life I guess if was meant to happen.

                      I hope to have some hope it could work, I really don't think it will like you said.
                      that's it? A stranger like me gives her opinion and you are just going to leave it

                      It doesn't matter what material things you helped her with
                      I am not sure why you are mentioning that because it doesn't mean a thing, it certainly doesn't show your loyalty either

                      You could easily go to her parents house, you could easily do that. Are you wimping out?

                      You said her family want this to work out

                      You are their son in law and they have kept those doors open for you, you are still their daughter's husband. It is not her house, you can still visit your in laws to get through to your wife. She isn't the head of her father's household.

                      Even if it means your wife humiliates you in front of them at least you showed your face as their son in law but your just going to keep parroting that your wife is stopping you

                      That's not love

                      If I was a guy I would be at that house making sure my wife knows I did everything possible to get her back


                      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Start praying tahajjud too

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                          that's it? A stranger like me gives her opinion and you are just going to leave it

                          It doesn't matter what material things you helped her with
                          I am not sure why you are mentioning that because it doesn't mean a thing, it certainly doesn't show your loyalty either

                          You could easily go to her parents house, you could easily do that. Are you wimping out?

                          You said her family want this to work out

                          You are their son in law and they have kept those doors open for you, you are still their daughter's husband. It is not her house, you can still visit your in laws to get through to your wife. She isn't the head of her father's household.

                          Even if it means your wife humiliates you in front of them at least you showed your face as their son in law but your just going to keep parroting that your wife is stopping you

                          That's not love

                          If I was a guy I would be at that house making sure my wife knows I did everything possible to get her back

                          I get what your saying sister, honestly I have been doing everything in my power to get this sorted, since it has happened I would not have been doing the things I have been doing such as real change actions speak louder than words and finally accepting responsibility and finally stopped messing around, my parents told me your a good son but with bad habits and so did my in laws and they can all see I really love her, I just had some desires I could not control and I now I can.

                          Problem sister is when I speak to her she does not let me go over, true she is not the head of the house, she is one of them women who are very aggressive when things don't go there way but at the same time a really nice person, when I mean aggressive I mean very shouty person and does not like to be wrong and will argue and argue until someone goes quiet.

                          Your right though I'm gonna do this and set something up even if I choked slammed by her, you have given me motivation.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by TeeTee View Post
                            As Salaam Walikum,

                            I will keep this short as possible, I am 32 wife is 30, we have been married for nearly 2 years from April 2018, Alhamdullilah it was a good marriage, we had laughs and fun, we did so much together, but sadly I had this addiction of drugs and webcams before I married her, I massively cut down since we have been married, and she has forgiven me many times. (amazing woman, most wont) I felt like she came in my life for a reason, I have been clean from drugs in well over a year, but my webcam issue was not resolved, I got caught watching it while she was on her period and she came back home early and caught pictures and videos of the women I spoke to. I will say one thing, I have never physically cheated on her and never would or had any urges, these whims and desires I did is because of a routine Ive had for years and it carried on just for the sake of it.

                            Anyway she left the home, we moved in to a new house and I had to give it up and take all our belongings out when we just moved in, she has moved to her parents house now and I have moved to mine since 20th January 2019, she has been left betrayed and understandly angry. I felt like this is the kick in the butt I needed, I have started to pray more than I usually do, I now attend dhikrs, counselling sessions, I am truly remorseful and regretful, I have done so much Instagfar and pleaded Allah to forgive me, I am spending time sorting myself out and never have I done this much before, I wish I did this sooner as I have now can safely say the problem is eradicted. Its sad because I did other good things, I would help her clean, cook, provide for her, have fun, go out, never have I hit her or swore at her, I have been a good husband, she loves me so dearly, but she is so hurt by this, she says she cant forgive me and is betrayed, I understand where she is coming from, her family are saying give him a chance, ever since this has happened, she has constantly been asking for a divorce, when will I get the papers, hurry up, she does not want to reconcile.

                            Yesterday night she got angry because I have been communicating with her brothers and she messaged me saying 'how dare you, you liar, you go behind my back to talk to my brothers, go f yourself' she has never swore at me like that before, I dont understand whats wrong with speaking to her family to sort our issues out. I feel she has completey lost herself and needs help. She is not working right now so she in her room at her parents house most of the day and thinks and thinks, all she keeps saying to me is all I see is the girl I saw on the webcam and its to late for you to change, I said I am fully sorted, lets talk about this, lets not try and break up a community, she is on deaf ears she does not want anyone to come to her house to talk about this.

                            Obviously Alhamdullilah I am a fully changed man, I value my marriage dearly, I dont want to divorce her, hence why I have been getting help, more on my deen, speaking to good muslim brothers and spending time doing things that benefit me, I have never felt better for change, but she says it to late I cant forget what you did.

                            What can I do? (All her family and my family want this to work) I just feel her health is gonna get worse just thinking all day without communication, she just keeps messaging me being angry and demanding stuff such as the divorce when I want this to go easy, I want her to think before she wants this, take a few months out, but she is adamant for a divorce, I do not believe its the right choice.

                            Jazakallah Khair.
                            In my judgment, if she wanted a divorce, she would cut you off completely and go to the imam to get a khul' or file for divorce against you. Done deal. But she is till in contact with you because she cannot get herself to do it just yet.

                            I think you yourself should get a hold of yourself and don't become too attached or emotional. Try your best to save your Hereafter, first and foremost, then your marriage. After that, if it works between you two, good. If not, then go your separate ways. Maybe talking to her brothers and her family isn't the way to go. Like you said, just give it time. Wait for things to calm down and then proceed.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Brother what you have done is not right and you need to repent not for your wife but because Allah will be angry with you.

                              The fact that is bothering you means you have some good intentions.

                              There are two sides to this coin I say. what if you caught your wife doing sumin haraam?? Would you just divorce her?? There should be a two fold support system you trying your utmost to stop and her supporting you.

                              I think you should ask her to be a part of your remediation.

                              I dont agree with one spouse staying cross and than also blocking out the other when we fall into error.

                              Stay close to Allah and ask Him to help you overcome your nafs and shaytaan.

                              In this time you will realise that you only have Allah it's Him you need to do right by. You will never fully appease any human.

                              Change for Him and than if it's good for you He will return your wife to you ir grant you better.

                              No well that doing right by fellow creation is doing righ by HIm.

                              May Allah guide us All. Ameen

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