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  • Need some words of encouragement...

    Asalamalikum,

    I’m just so frustrated with all this marriage/matchmaking stuff. It just feels like an impossible hurdle and I won’t ever find someone. I don’t know what is wrong with me or why no one wants me.

    I’m in my late twenties with a graduate degree. I’m slightly on the shorter side of average with a fair complexion. I know I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world, but definitely look better than 80% of girls from my background. I can cook, clean, and do maintenance work around the house. So why is it that every guy with a similar/slightly older profile wants someone 18-25? It just frustrates me to no end. Some of the similar requests are liars - they lie about their age, education, job, residency status, etc.

    Once or twice, I’ve had requests from someone and I thought, “I think I’m going to marry this man” only for them to delete their profile 2 days later. It feels like Allah is just getting my hopes up only to take it away from me as a punishment.

    It feels so hard and hopeless at times. I see girls less qualified, less attractive, with worse attitudes and skills happily married and I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I’ve always been an overachiever- amongst the top in Islamic school, top in normal school, best/youngest cook in the family, fairly attractive esp. compared to other girls in the family - so why am I so behind here? I try to stay hopeful, but I get more and more worried as time passes. Its become this huge burden that weights on my mind and I don’t feel optimistic or connected to Allah when I pray.

    I’ve been told so many prayers to get married- Surah Rehman after Fajr, Ayat Kareema, Nafl prayers, etc. So far, I’m in the same situation. I just need some words of encouragement to help me right now and request everyone to remember me in your duas.

  • #2
    Sister you're not alone. There are many sisters and brothers that are in the same situation as you. Don't worry when the time is right you will find your match inshallah.

    I know many​​​ sisters who have married in their late 20s and early 30s, don't give up hope.


    Have you only looked online through matchmaking websites , or have you tried other ways? How about going to your local mosque and letting them know you're looking, or letting family and friends know you're looking.

    Comment


    • #3
      Waalaykumassalam

      At what age did you start looking for a husband?

      If you're late 20s men around your age will naturally prefer the 18 to 25 age bracket. But plenty of sisters still get married in late 20s.

      Are your parents looking for you? Or if you have married friends they can ask their husbands if they know someone.

      I would honestly not rely too much on online sites.
      Last edited by Stoic Believer; 08-02-20, 03:27 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        The younger a woman is the greater the flexibility one may have with regards to starting a family, number of children and gaps between them. One may also enjoy her beauty for longer by marrying her at a younger age. On the other hand there are men who prefer to marry women of your age and older. You also have preferences and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be questioned about their validity or otherwise.

        Mashallah it sounds like you have a lot of things going for you. Dont compare yourself or your situation to others.Try and look beyond the superficial and understand your relationship with Allah swt and how He wants you to approach all things. Life is not a box ticking exercise. Don't dwell unnecessarily on things that didnt work out the way you wanted them to. Maintain a positive mindset.
        Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

        None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by feminist_one
          ...


          I'd support Abu Abdullah banning this.
          Last edited by Medic; 09-02-20, 04:14 PM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Medic View Post

            I'd support Abu Abdullah banning this.
            Agreed.

            Pathetic individual without basic human decency to show consideration for someone who is struggling.

            Allah is just, inshaAllah they wind up sad bitter and alone

            Even in the belly of the whale there was hope.

            Comment


            • #7
              I hate the internet
              Even in the belly of the whale there was hope.

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              • #8
                .
                Last edited by .khayriyyah.; 09-02-20, 03:07 PM.
                قد كانت لكم أسوة حسنة في إبراهيم والذين معه إذ قالوا لقومهم إنا برآء منكم ومما تعبدون من دون الله كفرنا بكم وبدا بيننا وبينكم العداوة والبغضاء أبدا حتى تؤمنوا بالله وحده

                Comment


                • #9
                  That's so creepy

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    What happened

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                      What happened
                      Seems like we missed it.

                      What happened?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wa alaikum as-salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh, my dear sister in Islam, I will try to offer you some words of encouragement in shaa Allah, even though I'm sure there are more qualified and knowledgable individuals out there who would give you a better answer to your questions.

                        First of all sister, I'm sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and our marital status is not a measurement for how successful we are. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala says in the Qur'an, "Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you" (49:13), and righteousness is the only measurement we should be using when comparing ourselves to others. If you find someone who is more righteous than you, then think of how you could incorporate that into your own life; and if you find someone who is less righteous than you, then it doesn't matter in the least whether that person is married or not. Marriage in and of itself is not an achievement, if one is not righteous.

                        Also, try and rid yourself of the thought that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala are would bring someone into your life and then remove them in order to punish you. He Subhanahu wa Ta'ala might very well be protecting you, or keep you available for your actual intended spouse. Maybe this person would end up hurting you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala saved you from a disaster. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has knowledge of all things, and we don't have any knowledge of the future or the Unseen, therefore it's truly the safer road to trust Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and believe in Him to guide us and protect us in all matters.

                        Lastly, try and look at life through a different pair of glasses in shaa Allah. Happiness doesn't lie within the marriage, because if it did then all married couples would be happy and that's certainly not the case. Many married couples are in fact very sad, and marriage can be something that breaks entire families apart. Also, trials won't stop after marriage as many people who are married can't have kids, or they have tough financial situations, sicknesses, raging wars outside (or inside) their doors.

                        There are always going to be things we want in this dunya, and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala hasn't decreed it for us at the time we, ourselves, would like, but we need to understand that happiness doesn't lie within any of those things, as happiness doesn't lie within the dunya at all. It lies with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala. Once we realize that true happiness is only with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, we can become happy and content with whatever He Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has decreed for us. If this realization truly reaches our hearts and minds, it will automatically drive us to pray more, fast more and offer more good deeds, and we trust that He will provide for us what is better for us, even if we ourselves don't know what that particular thing would be.

                        I pray that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala gives you patience, peace and comfort in every situation and that He Subhanahu wa Ta'ala answers your duaa in the way that is best for you in this life and the next.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Asalamalikum,

                          I’ve just turned 27 a couple months back. My parents have been passive about things until the last year. I was in school and didn’t want to disrupt my studies. I’ve had people tell my parents 1-2 good proposals afterwards, but they got to us too late. The family was already finalizing things with someone else by the time their friends told us.

                          I am also registered online- been looking for months actually. My mother is also quite worried and tells people in our social circle to help her find a match. She has also joined some matrimony groups. My dad couldn’t care less. He knows people very active in the community, but doesn’t want to talk about me to anyone - it’s too embarrassing for him.

                          The thing that angers me the most is the reaction of everyone else around me - my siblings, aunts, uncles, and family members. They all act like I’m a piece of meat reaching its expiration date. I’ve become the butt of their jokes - the poor thing who can’t get a husband.

                          I can’t help but feel frustrated. I’ve worked so hard and everyone who matches me on paper doesn’t want me. They don’t care how educated, domestic, or sophisticated you are - they’d rather have less of all those things as long as you’re younger. I feel resentment towards my parents, especially my father for pushing me academically and completely bailing on me for something as important as this.

                          I’m so sick of my situation. I just keep praying for Allah to help me out of this and give me someone better than I/anyone else could imagine.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I also wanted to make a separated post and thanks everyone who replied, especially for all your duas. May Allah reward you all for helping me during this trying time. Amen.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by FarrahKhan View Post
                              Asalamalikum,

                              I’ve just turned 27 a couple months back. My parents have been passive about things until the last year. I was in school and didn’t want to disrupt my studies. I’ve had people tell my parents 1-2 good proposals afterwards, but they got to us too late. The family was already finalizing things with someone else by the time their friends told us.

                              I am also registered online- been looking for months actually. My mother is also quite worried and tells people in our social circle to help her find a match. She has also joined some matrimony groups. My dad couldn’t care less. He knows people very active in the community, but doesn’t want to talk about me to anyone - it’s too embarrassing for him.

                              The thing that angers me the most is the reaction of everyone else around me - my siblings, aunts, uncles, and family members. They all act like I’m a piece of meat reaching its expiration date. I’ve become the butt of their jokes - the poor thing who can’t get a husband.

                              I can’t help but feel frustrated. I’ve worked so hard and everyone who matches me on paper doesn’t want me. They don’t care how educated, domestic, or sophisticated you are - they’d rather have less of all those things as long as you’re younger. I feel resentment towards my parents, especially my father for pushing me academically and completely bailing on me for something as important as this.

                              I’m so sick of my situation. I just keep praying for Allah to help me out of this and give me someone better than I/anyone else could imagine.

                              Wa'alaykumasalaam, what's done is done, there's no point looking at the past and saying if only I did xyz earlier. The only thing you should take from this is a lesson to not do this to your own kids and get them married early. Everyone praises you for wanting to get a degree etc but then they all put you down for not being married, it's just the Muslim community being stupid. Take this a lesson as well, the community chats rubbish sometimes so it's best to ignore them.

                              You will find someone insha'Allah and don't fret if it takes time. Be happy that those guys deleted their profiles because it pretty much means that they were unstable in one way or another and you avoided something bad.

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