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  • Unhappy in New Marriage?

    Assalaamu Alaykum,

    I dont know how to start this but I'm assuming it's going to be a long paragraph so I'm just gonna start.

    I am a 23 year old male who recently got married about one year ago from today and I still feel not content/happy with my marriage or whom I married. You would assume that only being a year into the marriage one would be happy and still in the 'honeymoon phase' of their life but for me, I'm in doubt about my marriage. Let me give you the background story.

    At the age of 18/19 my parents had arranged a rishta (marriage partner) for me to marry my first cousin abroad when I finish university (at the time i hadn't even started uni, I still had about 1 year to go before i enrolled into uni), this was mainly my mother and grandmother who had done the arrangement as it was their wish. With little input from me, they assumed it was in my best interests to get married within the family, to this girl. My father, mother, close family all seemed to agree since me and the girl were of similar age and it made sense since EVERYONE in our family has married within the family. At that time, I was young, unsure and still growing up. Although I was around 19 years old, I wasn't ready to be a 'man' and make a big decision about marriage, I was still a teenager pretty much (mentally) and still finding myself. Growing up in an Asian household where decisions are made for you, you grow up to be inexperienced about making decisions, especially big life changes decisions.

    I told my mother I was unsure about it but she would keep reassuring me about how sensible and good the family of the girl is and how it is her sisters daughter and if I married her my life would be easy and good. Although I understand from my mothers perspective that she meant well, I always was 50/50 about it because since everyone married in the family, it was the norm and made sense to do so and plus, when I visited abroad (a few times) I actually liked the girl from what I saw i.e. her personality, how she is as a person but I never really spoke with her or even had a standard conversation individually with her due to cultural/religious barriers so I didnt even know her stance on this rishta or if she even wanted to marry me. My mother would regularly remind me about this girl etc and when I was in the UK she would make me have regular communication with her family etc to show interest. Although at the time I provisionally agreed with uncertainty to marry this girl (rishta), my mother knew I was uncertain as I had told her but she would say that you wont need to worry about any financial responsibility, immigration etc. no ones gonna put pressure on you, I will deal with all of that, everyone knows your at uni so no need to be worried and its all I would hear for 3 years. When summer would come each year, mum used to say go abroad and just do your nikah and come back and you can continue your studies but still throughout the years, I was still unsure. I assumed the reason for her eagerly wanting me to get married was that from sixth form to college to uni, I was getting attention from various females as I am a good looking person and I would talk to females etc. and she may have felt that I would fall into the trap of Zina (fornication). Tbh most girls were just course mates etc but her concerns were valid.

    During my final year at university I met with a girl who I really really clicked with, like I could speak to this girl about anything, any advice I needed whether personal or not and I really felt at home with her, our conversations flowed flawlessly and our relationship blew up within a month due to our compatibility. We were basically together in a relationship and we would treat each other like husband and wife. Like she would clean my nose for me with her bear hands if i couldn't find my bogey and she and we would sing to each other (sorry for the gross detail but I'm just trying to show that we weren't the typical bf/gf and how close we were). We had very similar backgrounds, how we grew up etc and we would have deep talks about how we can support each others professional career, finances etc and realised our mindset and our future visions are very similar but cutting it short, we were in a relationship for about a year and then my course was almost about to finish and my stress levels were sky high because I realised it is coming to the end of the year and remember earlier I mentioned that mum would always say 'go and get married' after each year, I would answer her 'not yet, im still at uni' so this excuse was about to run out since after this semester, I would finish uni then mum would say 'you finished uni, u can go now and get married' and it played on my mind so much that I was struggling at uni, I also had the big task of doing my dissertation which requires a lot of focus and I ended up failing it due to what I would say is fear of getting send abroad to get married whilst im in a happy relationship with this new girl. I was scared to speak up to my mum about the new girl because my mum would kind of threaten me indirectly and say dont embarrass me now, you agreed to marry the girl and its been four years since the rishta has been done. (basically saying i cant turn back because it will bring shame and embarrassment to the family) plus during those four years since the agreement had taken place for me to marry her, she had many other proposals come in but her family declined because she was 'reserved' for me. This fact also played on my mind when I was at uni and I felt pressured that its been four years, i have to marry this girl and if i marry from outside, will any of family accept her? I doubt it. Bearing in mind, the girl that I was in a relationship with knew all about this rishta of mine from day one since we met and we would have regular conversations about it. Because I had no one from my immediate family to speak to about the new girl, I spoke to my auntie who was a family friend who got married in the family and she was brought up in the UK and I would tell her and ask her about how can I marry this girl when you know the situation about the girl abroad etc but because she was third party, she couldn't really do much. Throughout the one year of being with that girl, i realised i was happy but at the same time i felt like their was a barrier, like how we gonna get married? bearing in mind its been about 4 years since rishta has been said, the girls family have been declining other proposals to reserve her for me and like, would my parents accept this girl after all that i.e. breaking family tradition to marry in family etc

    I just realised I'm rambling on but it was only to give you a clear background so you can understand the situation and now I will try to summarise and fast forward to the point. I then basically finished uni, got offered to abroad by my uncle, i confirmed with him that his not taking me for marriage and he said thats up to you, im just asking for vaction since u finished uni. i thought let me go because its only for a month to just relax and when i see the girl, i wanna see if i get any sort of inclination or feeling if i still want her or not then i can come back and make a decision. the girl i was with was upset about me going understandably as she feared i was going to get married. i reassured her i wasnt and will be back and then my mum decided to come along last minute and when we was abroad she sat me down and explained to me about getting married i.e. just doing the nikah but as she was explaining i told her i still wasnt sure and she kept reassuring me etc and i somehow gave in and the nikah was done the next day in one day. she did recieve verbal confirmation from me so i dont blame my mother entirely but now idk because only my mum knew i was unsure still, everyone else had known about our rishta for years and didnt assume anything of it except that the nikah was done in a rush (going bk to what i mentioned earlier, mother fearing my committing zina back in uk hence quick marriage). everything happened so quick and yeah so i got married, the old relationship obviously ended and I was with my now wife who doesnt know about any of that as it would break her innocent heart and the reason for this post is this,

    within the one year of marriage, i cannot stop thinking about the old girl. it plays on my mind all the time like why didnt i speak up and just say to my parents and any little thing triggers me about her i.e. sitting in my car and remembering when she was here and how much fun we would have enjoying each others company. like i feel if i married her i would be in a happier relationship than i am in now and its not fair to the old girl and espicially my now wife as she doesnt deserve this. although i am married my wife is still abroad and when i go to see her, it is easier to distract myself as i enjoy spending time with my wife but even when i am with her, i think about the old girl sometimes and i cant connect with my wife the way i clicked with her. you know when you can just literally say anything to a person without the fear of getting judged or just having intellectual convos, that was that old girl and i cant do that with my wife, i feel like i have to select my words etc and there is nothing wrong with my wife at all, she is amazing and innocent but im just not that free person that i was with her because the girl from uk was open, communicative etc and my wife is not and idk if i need to be patient as i hadnt spent much time with my wife now as i have only seen her for a total of 3 months since marriage and with the other girl i was with her pretty much every day for a year. when im back in uk, i think of that girl at least once a day and how my life would be so much different if i was with her, that way an innocent life wouldnt have to get ruined. i feel like im betraying and ruining my wifes life because im still kind of connected to the old girl but this is the thing which i am struggling to understand. Why did everything happen this way? Like we are told that Allah has a plan for everything and we only see one piece of the puzzle but he is overlooking and guiding our lives in a good way and i am trying to look at different perspectives of this situation but there is no positive perspective of it. Why did my marriage happen in one day, everything in a rush, half our close relatives didnt get invited due to short notice. Why did i get separated from that girl if we were genuinely happy with each other and we wanted to marry? Why cant i connect with my wife the way she was? I cant even talk to anyone about this situation because its all messed up and no one knows. everyone assumes that i must be happy becuz my rishta was said for 4 years and i finally got married but honestly, that girl is on my mind.

    What advice would you give to me? I'm struggling to understand the situation and the worst thing is, its one of those where you cant go back on it and it's really makes me question my marriage regularly :(

    Sorry for the long story. P.S. I got lazy towards the end so excuse the grammer.

  • #2
    Wa alaykumu as-salam

    1. You're probably already aware, but we must remind you and tell you that the relationship you had with that girl in between your engagement and nikah was very haram. You described how close you two were, which was very difficult to read, as that is a straight route into committing zina (fornication) - which is a major sin and punishable by Allah with hellfire.

    2. You probably don't click with your wife compared to the girl for two reasons:

    a. You and your wife grew up in different environments, and you have different habits, senses of humor, and you probably communicate best in English while she doesn't.
    b. Shaytan will exploit your weaknesses. One of your weaknesses is this girl, who was haram for you. You earned countless sins every day you were with her.

    3. You should be grateful that you actually like your wife and like spending time with her. This marriage could have been a disaster because both of you have grown up in different cultures and environments.

    4. You thinking about the girl when you're with your wife is also from the Shaytan, and it falls under the same category, which is the devil making the haram fair-seeming to you. You have to ignore it, ask Allah to help you forget the other girl, and you have to focus on your wife. If not, it can destroy your marriage, bringing you and your family much stress and grief.

    5. You never know what your life would have been like with the other girl after marriage. BF/GF is one thing, marriage is something else. Allah knows. So trust Allah and focus on your wife.

    6. Focus on your Hereafter. Guard your prayers, stay away from sins, read the Quran, and learn about your religion. Fortify yourself and your marriage or else the Shaytan will lead you to misery. You will have lost your wife, caused rift between family, and you will have lost the other girl as well.

    Comment


    • #3
      ..
      Last edited by Fakhri-bin-Ali; 03-02-20, 09:02 AM. Reason: Unnecessary
      LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAAH
      -------------------------------------

      ​​​​​NOTE: Please kindly avoid 'liking' my posts (Jazaa'akumullah khair)

      Comment


      • #4
        Brother forget the other girl. Shaytan is playing with your head. He wants to break up your marriage over some girl that you had a haraam relationship with. Don't fall for it. It seems like you like your wife and the more time you spend with her the more you will love her inshallah. Instead of thinking about this other girl start looking into ways you can grow your relationship with your new wife.

        This is the reason why we shouldn't mix with the opposite sex, nothing but heartbreak, confusion, and sin comes from it. May Allah protect us from such misguidance and sin.ameen.

        Listen to some Islamic lectures, reflect on the Quran, and your purpose of life. You'll start to see things clearly and realized the gift that Allah gave you, a wife that seems to care for you and has waited for you for 4 years.
        ​​​​​
        Don't mess this up!

        Comment


        • #5
          You haven't mentioned Islam in this, how did being in a haram relationship sit with you? Bogey picker or not, do you think she would have raised your children with the values and morals you have? You either want to live an Islamic lifestyle or you don't. You are focusing on what Allah swt took you away from (HARAM!) rather than what He gave you, which in your words she is amazing, mashaAllah. Try to focus on that. It will be hard because you are not living together yet, but try to model the type of relationship that you want to have; be open with her, communicative, pick her bogeys when you see her..... I suspect your mother had an inkling of your relationship and this is why she hurried everything along. You and your wife are from different cultures/environment/backgrounds so there will be some issues, but do your best to overcome these and try to forget your past. Being in a boyfriend/girlfriend is very different to being married, there is no major commitment so you feel like it is fun and stress free, but I can guarantee if you married your ex that you would have encountered issues. May Allah swt bless your marriage.

          Comment


          • #6

            Wa 'alaikum as-salam.

            This thread will probably be remembered as the bogey thread. Amazing Wife vs Bogey-Woman... Oh who to choose...

            I'm just kidding brother OP. Really good advices and reminders given above by other users. Please do take heed.

            Shaytan loves to break husband/wife up - don't let him win. Take your experience as a lesson to do things the right way so as not to cause yourself or others harm, may He protect us all. Sometimes things happen for this reason: so we learn, be/do better/wiser, stay safe, be thankful, etc. Thank Allah, He saved you from a Haram/sinful Fire-worthy relationship, and instead gave you an amazing wife. Alhamdulillah. He rescued you. (From where you were heading.)

            I wish you all the best in your marriage: may Allah bless you and your *wife* with love, compassion, joy, make you a great team together for Dunya and Aakhirah, and make your offspring amongst those whom He loves too, ameen.

            Stay safe, brother. Where Allah wants you to be.



            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Finding_Light View Post
              . Why did everything happen this way?
              Because you were a coward. I feel sorry for your innocent wife, being deceived into marrying an unchaste man. You don't deserve her.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rahma. View Post
                Wa 'alaikum as-salam.

                This thread will probably be remembered as the bogey thread. Amazing Wife vs Bogey-Woman... Oh who to choose...
                (Lol)

                Comment


                • #9
                  You really need to stop thinking about the bogey picker.

                  I know that it might not be easy to switch off your thoughts about your Haram relationship but you must try.

                  Why destroy your own marriage like this?

                  You agreed to it, albeit with pressure and the typical Asian parents who destroy the lives of their children.

                  The other girl is not your wife. You have a wife, be grateful. There are men struggling to get married and those that truly cherish marriage and will value their wife (I think).

                  You on the other hand, you want something that began as Zina and now could potentially destroy a halal marriage.

                  As the others have said, flings don't last.

                  ​​​​​​Anyone can have a fling, it's that thrill you desire. Many people fall for it and think we have 'chemistry' but when push comes to shove, the whining begins. It's not fun anymore.

                  Don't go back to the past, close those doors and ask Allah to protect you.

                  Be a faithful husband and keep your dignity. Having dignity is a better than any Haram woman or Zina. Take my word for it.


                  ​​​​
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
                    Because you were a coward. I feel sorry for your innocent wife, being deceived into marrying an unchaste man. You don't deserve her.
                    Meh.

                    I think leaving the insults and emotions aside would better. All because we feel sorry for the poor and innocent girl.

                    Is she poor and innocent just because she's a girl?

                    Rather, how many girls in those countries and their parents and families do not care about religious commitment when giving their girl to a guy who lives in the West? Do you think they are clueless about what goes on? Do you think they actually believe all Muslim (by name) men and women keep themselves chaste all throughout High School and college?

                    The truth is, many girls in those countries don't care if their husband who grew up in the West was in past relationships or not. By "don't care" I mean it is not a deal-breaking for them.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post

                      Meh.

                      I think leaving the insults and emotions aside would better. All because we feel sorry for the poor and innocent girl.

                      Is she poor and innocent just because she's a girl?

                      Rather, how many girls in those countries and their parents and families do not care about religious commitment when giving their girl to a guy who lives in the West? Do you think they are clueless about what goes on? Do you think they actually believe all Muslim (by name) men and women keep themselves chaste all throughout High School and college?

                      The truth is, many girls in those countries don't care if their husband who grew up in the West was in past relationships or not. By "don't care" I mean it is not a deal-breaking for them.
                      I think it is wrong to speculate whether she or her family would have cared, because we really don't know. I think people feel sorry for her not because she is a girl, but because she is unwittingly married to someone who's heart is with a past relationship. Imagine being married and finding your wife had written the above post, you'd feel crap to say the least.
                      Last edited by UmmAbdullah86; 03-02-20, 05:42 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post

                        I think it is wrong to speculate whether she or her family would have cared, because we really don't know. I think people feel sorry for her not because she is a girl, but because she is unwittingly married to someone who's heart is with a past relationship. Imagine being married and finding your wife had written the above post, you'd feel crap to say the least.
                        Sure. But there's a difference between a man getting married while his heart is attached to another woman, and a woman who gets married while her heart is attached to another man. A huge difference, actually. It is not the same.

                        In any case, I agree. But we shouldn't take the focus off this brother's actual problem and insult him.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post

                          Meh.

                          I think leaving the insults and emotions aside would better. All because we feel sorry for the poor and innocent girl.

                          Is she poor and innocent just because she's a girl?

                          Rather, how many girls in those countries and their parents and families do not care about religious commitment when giving their girl to a guy who lives in the West? Do you think they are clueless about what goes on? Do you think they actually believe all Muslim (by name) men and women keep themselves chaste all throughout High School and college?

                          The truth is, many girls in those countries don't care if their husband who grew up in the West was in past relationships or not. By "don't care" I mean it is not a deal-breaking for them.
                          There's no indication of any of that in the post. You're assuming the worst for no reason. The OP himself said his wife is innocent.

                          This sounds like the typical case of a desi parent marrying off their wasteman of a son to a good girl from back home, in the hope that she can "fix" him. The boy's parents is equally to blame for the mess he's in right now, if not more.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Why haven't Desi parents learnt to move away from all this.
                            They seem to have adopted certain western beliefs, they are happy if their children study abroad alone or miles away from home. Then why is it that they don't give their children the choice when it comes to marriage? Which isn't a sin, a person shouldn't be pressurised to get married.

                            All this izzat worship. No diety worthy of worship but izzath is what it seems.

                            The other problem are the children that don't have the courage to say no to parents but are ok with Zina.
                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Get a piece of paper and write up a list of things which you feel are preventing you from getting to know your wife properly. Then you work out solutions. One problem seems to be a language barrier, well that's solvable, learn the language which you need to speak with her. If your ex is on your mind then you delete all traces of her from your life, even if you start thinking about her then you stop yourself, you don't go there with your mind. Also get her to the UK, it's obviously harder to bond with someone sat 8000 miles away, If you want to solve this then you have to commit to this. Right. You are a man, you are a leader for your household, you have to now take on that responsibility and act like it. What's done is done but you can't repeat your mistakes. Now you have to take responsibility for your actions and do the right thing. Allah did not force you to agree to getting a nikkah, you chose to do that. You weren't brave enough to tell your parents and that fault is on you. Yes this situation will be for your benefit, maybe it'll make you push yourself so that you become more responsible or maybe you've avoided a path which was worse for you.

                              You're not the only one at fault here. Anyone who delays nikkah whether for themselves or for their children, only has themselves to blame for relationships happening. That means your parents, her parents, your ex and you. Learn a lesson from this and make sure your parents don't do the same set up for your siblings and if you are blessed with kids then don't delay your kids nikkah either.

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