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  • Polygamy

    Assalamu alaykum

    I think polygamy, when practised properly, is a beautiful thing & more brothers & sisters should be open to it. There are a lot of men who abuse polygamy so I’ve got some tips to help anyone thinking of entering into a polygamous marriage. Not all women are opposed to polygamy & many of us would prefer to marry someone who is already married. Some people think women only accept polygamy if they haven’t got any other options, but this is not true, polygamy can have various benefits for women.

    Anyway, if anyone is looking for polygamy, these are a few things to look out for:

    1) men who are already married may try and bypass the wali. They may not want to face another man and admit he’s looking for another wife so beware of brothers who try and get you to do a nikah without a wali. There is a minority hanafi opinion regarding divorcees being able to marry without a wali but sisters, protect yourself & ensure your wali is involved from the get go

    2) is the first wife okay with polygamy? Many a times brothers will marry a second wife and a month down the line will say something like ‘my wife isn’t accepting polygamy I will divorce you’. Ensure the wife is on board. If the brother is shying away from introducing you to the first wife then alarm bells should be ringing.

    3) Can he provide? Men who want a second wife but can’t even provide for the first one should not be entertained. No matter how much money you have, ensure he is able to give you a set amount every month. If he wants a second wife, let him take on the responsibility!

    4) do not accept to see your husband once a fortnight or once a month or whatever. I don’t need to go into detail here

    5) what is his track record like? If he has had a few wives and all have been divorced within a few months then know that this brother is not fit for polygamy! Real men will take their responsibility seriously and not issue talaaqs at the first sign of any difficulty

    6) does he want children? I find it really strange how some brothers want multiple wives but don’t want more children? For me if he doesn’t see you as someone to have kids with, he may just be looking for some fun wa Allahul mustaa’aan

    7) is he going to hide you from his family? So he wants to be man enough to have a second wife but can’t even tell his parents?? Hmmmm

    8) something to consider is his actual reasons for wanting polygamy. Some men can be quite rude about their first wives and say stuff like they are not attracted to her but if he marries for lust then he may want a third and fourth wife and will you be able to handle it?

    9) does he have the TIME for a second wife? Some men, may Allah bless them are dying for a second wife lol but don’t even have time for their first one! Ask about his work schedule and see where you will fit in. Seeing your husband once a month is not enough sisters.

    10) last but most certainly not least, consider how his general faith is. If he hasn’t memorised more than the last three surahs of the Quran but is hunting for a second wife, tell the brother to get his priorities in check!

    bit tired to write anymore. I hope this thread don’t get deleted
    Last edited by Layla_; 21-01-20, 12:59 AM.
    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Yes the people of sonsdom agree with the statment that polygamy is a beautiful thing.

    Thank you sister for pointing this matter.
    Stop being apologetic to Kuffars!

    If I don't engage with you or reply to any of your question, it's likely because I find you racist and a total waste of time.

    Comment


    • #3
      I love these tips Masha Allah
      if anyone has more tips please add to this thread

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
        Assalamu alaykum



        2) is the first wife okay with polygamy? Many a times brothers will marry a second wife and a month down the line will say something like ‘my wife isn’t accepting polygamy I will divorce you’. Ensure the wife is on board. If the brother is shying away from introducing you to the first wife then alarm bells should be ringing.
        Wa Alaykum Salaam

        As far as I remember, your point 2 isn't relevant, in that neither does the husband need the permission of the first wife, nor does he need to tell her. I'll see if I can find the lecture where I heard this (I'm sure it was by either Shaykh Bilal Philips, or NAK).

        But the bit in bold is valid in the sense that the man needs to think about whether he wants to potentially lose either wife in that scenario.
        "Yaa Allah grant me victory, or make me die Shaheed"

        Remember how the Unbelievers plotted against thee, to keep thee in bonds, or slay thee, or get thee out (of thy home). They plot and plan, and Allah too plans; but the best of planners is Allah.
        (surah al-anfal v.30)

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Qiyas View Post

          Wa Alaykum Salaam

          As far as I remember, your point 2 isn't relevant, in that neither does the husband need the permission of the first wife, nor does he need to tell her. I'll see if I can find the lecture where I heard this (I'm sure it was by either Shaykh Bilal Philips, or NAK).

          But the bit in bold is valid in the sense that the man needs to think about whether he wants to potentially lose either wife in that scenario.
          Yes, he doesn’t need her consent but often hiding it from the first wife can cause issues further down the line. It can cause issues for the sister If the first wife has the mentality that the second wife is someone who just sneaked off and married her husband
          https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Layla_ View Post

            Yes, he doesn’t need her consent but often hiding it from the first wife can cause issues further down the line. It can cause issues for the sister If the first wife has the mentality that the second wife is someone who just sneaked off and married her husband
            Agreed.
            "Yaa Allah grant me victory, or make me die Shaheed"

            Remember how the Unbelievers plotted against thee, to keep thee in bonds, or slay thee, or get thee out (of thy home). They plot and plan, and Allah too plans; but the best of planners is Allah.
            (surah al-anfal v.30)

            Comment


            • #7
              I couldn't find the exact video that I'd watched previously, but did find another one by Shaykh Bilal Philips. At around 25:46 - permissability to marry without the first wife's knowledge:

              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3Vl41wg7eM

              But as Layla_ also said, Shakyh Bilal Philips says that it's generally preferable for it not to be hidden.

              Edit: sorry, I don't know why I thought someone else started the thread, and not you.
              Edit 2: Ok, there are two Layla's in the thread, that's why I was confused.
              Last edited by Qiyas; 21-01-20, 01:34 AM.
              "Yaa Allah grant me victory, or make me die Shaheed"

              Remember how the Unbelievers plotted against thee, to keep thee in bonds, or slay thee, or get thee out (of thy home). They plot and plan, and Allah too plans; but the best of planners is Allah.
              (surah al-anfal v.30)

              Comment


              • #8
                I wouldn't mind being wife# 2, depending on my age. If I'm young I would want my husband to myself. If I'm over 35, I wouldn't mind being a co-wife. But the man has to be pious, responsible, and able to provide.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
                  Assalamu alaykum

                  I think polygamy, when practised properly, is a beautiful thing & more brothers & sisters should be open to it. There are a lot of men who abuse polygamy so I’ve got some tips to help anyone thinking of entering into a polygamous marriage. Not all women are opposed to polygamy & many of us would prefer to marry someone who is already married. Some people think women only accept polygamy if they haven’t got any other options, but this is not true, polygamy can have various benefits for women.

                  Anyway, if anyone is looking for polygamy, these are a few things to look out for:

                  1) men who are already married may try and bypass the wali. They may not want to face another man and admit he’s looking for another wife so beware of brothers who try and get you to do a nikah without a wali. There is a minority hanafi opinion regarding divorcees being able to marry without a wali but sisters, protect yourself & ensure your wali is involved from the get go

                  2) is the first wife okay with polygamy? Many a times brothers will marry a second wife and a month down the line will say something like ‘my wife isn’t accepting polygamy I will divorce you’. Ensure the wife is on board. If the brother is shying away from introducing you to the first wife then alarm bells should be ringing.

                  3) Can he provide? Men who want a second wife but can’t even provide for the first one should not be entertained. No matter how much money you have, ensure he is able to give you a set amount every month. If he wants a second wife, let him take on the responsibility!

                  4) do not accept to see your husband once a fortnight or once a month or whatever. I don’t need to go into detail here

                  5) what is his track record like? If he has had a few wives and all have been divorced within a few months then know that this brother is not fit for polygamy! Real men will take their responsibility seriously and not issue talaaqs at the first sign of any difficulty

                  6) does he want children? I find it really strange how some brothers want multiple wives but don’t want more children? For me if he doesn’t see you as someone to have kids with, he may just be looking for some fun wa Allahul mustaa’aan

                  7) is he going to hide you from his family? So he wants to be man enough to have a second wife but can’t even tell his parents?? Hmmmm

                  8) something to consider is his actual reasons for wanting polygamy. Some men can be quite rude about their first wives and say stuff like they are not attracted to her but if he marries for lust then he may want a third and fourth wife and will you be able to handle it?

                  9) does he have the TIME for a second wife? Some men, may Allah bless them are dying for a second wife lol but don’t even have time for their first one! Ask about his work schedule and see where you will fit in. Seeing your husband once a month is not enough sisters.

                  10) last but most certainly not least, consider how his general faith is. If he hasn’t memorised more than the last three surahs of the Quran but is hunting for a second wife, tell the brother to get his priorities in check!

                  bit tired to write anymore. I hope this thread don’t get deleted
                  wsalam,

                  You make a lot of sound points, however, it seems to be aimed at warning sisters to what to look out for and what men need to do. This is fine but to maintain some balance do you have advice for brothers on what they should look out for and/or what sisters need to be doing.

                  For instance, would you advise a man to be way of a sister who has been recently divorced as she might not be thinking straight and may rush into being a co-wife.

                  Or avoid a revert with weak knowledge.

                  Or a sister who says she does not want more children.

                  Or a sister who is hesitant in getting the wali involved early.

                  I'm not suggesting these are things that should be looked at, I'm just trying to give examples to kick start the discussion.

                  On points 9) and 10):

                  What happens if he works long hours and wife 1 does not meet his needs, should he avoid marrying again to protect himself purely because he works long hours? Even if wife 2 is accepting of the hours?

                  If he only knows the last three surahs and wife 1 is accepting of this, does this necessarily need to be an issue for wife 2? Are you suggesting he should not be married at all?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                    wsalam,

                    You make a lot of sound points, however, it seems to be aimed at warning sisters to what to look out for and what men need to do. This is fine but to maintain some balance do you have advice for brothers on what they should look out for and/or what sisters need to be doing.

                    For instance, would you advise a man to be way of a sister who has been recently divorced as she might not be thinking straight and may rush into being a co-wife.

                    Or avoid a revert with weak knowledge.

                    Or a sister who says she does not want more children.

                    Or a sister who is hesitant in getting the wali involved early.

                    I'm not suggesting these are things that should be looked at, I'm just trying to give examples to kick start the discussion.

                    On points 9) and 10):

                    What happens if he works long hours and wife 1 does not meet his needs, should he avoid marrying again to protect himself purely because he works long hours? Even if wife 2 is accepting of the hours?

                    If he only knows the last three surahs and wife 1 is accepting of this, does this necessarily need to be an issue for wife 2? Are you suggesting he should not be married at all?
                    Interesting points.

                    Brothers do need to be careful too. I have heard of sisters who are recently divorced marrying into a polygamous marriage & ask for khula a month after & then return to their ex husband! Halala? Allahu aalum.

                    The points I would advise the brothers about are as follows:

                    * Do not be fooled by anyone and do not bad mouth your first wife to any potential. This can cause issues for you later on. Be respectful of your first wife at all times. Remember, it’s the second wife you are bringing into your already established home & she can switch at any moment. Do NOT get into wars with your first wife because of someone you have recently met

                    * I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a sister who doesn’t want any more children. Women marry for various reasons too. There are some women who are marrying because they are lonely and this is where I would advise brothers to be careful. There are some sisters who will happily say I don’t mind being a second wife but they can be very very needy and may want to see you more than the days you have stipulated with her. This can cause a lot of tension. Be careful

                    * Get everything sorted. How many days is the sister happy with? How much money will she accept? What’s going to happen on days like eid, how will you split your time?

                    Another point to mention is that be careful before you have multiple children with different women. If you live in the UK they can go to Child Maintenance when things turn sour and you’ll be wondering why you followed your desires. Obviously men should provide for their children in any situation but some men do get done over in this regard

                    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                      wsalam,

                      You make a lot of sound points, however, it seems to be aimed at warning sisters to what to look out for and what men need to do. This is fine but to maintain some balance do you have advice for brothers on what they should look out for and/or what sisters need to be doing.

                      For instance, would you advise a man to be way of a sister who has been recently divorced as she might not be thinking straight and may rush into being a co-wife.

                      Or avoid a revert with weak knowledge.

                      Or a sister who says she does not want more children.

                      Or a sister who is hesitant in getting the wali involved early.

                      I'm not suggesting these are things that should be looked at, I'm just trying to give examples to kick start the discussion.

                      On points 9) and 10):

                      What happens if he works long hours and wife 1 does not meet his needs, should he avoid marrying again to protect himself purely because he works long hours? Even if wife 2 is accepting of the hours?

                      If he only knows the last three surahs and wife 1 is accepting of this, does this necessarily need to be an issue for wife 2? Are you suggesting he should not be married at all?
                      If he works long hours and wife 1 doesn’t meet his needs then he should be clear to the second wife of his situation. Some brothers are not very forthcoming & try and hide the fact that they don’t really have time for a second wife and she’ll just end up being a bit of a side thing. He needs to be clear at all times

                      If he only knows the last three surahs & is not that practising but wants a second wife then my advice for him is to firstly increase in his knowledge because If he is going to the amir of two households, he should be setting a good example. It’s not just about how much Quran you know anyway. Being a husband to multiple wives requires patience, love, attention etc. Qualities more likely to be found in a man with taqwa
                      https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Not sure if my additional points make sense I am Rushing but I will re visit my points soon iA
                        https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Layla_ View Post

                          If he works long hours and wife 1 doesn’t meet his needs then he should be clear to the second wife of his situation. Some brothers are not very forthcoming & try and hide the fact that they don’t really have time for a second wife and she’ll just end up being a bit of a side thing. He needs to be clear at all times

                          If he only knows the last three surahs & is not that practising but wants a second wife then my advice for him is to firstly increase in his knowledge because If he is going to the amir of two households, he should be setting a good example. It’s not just about how much Quran you know anyway. Being a husband to multiple wives requires patience, love, attention etc. Qualities more likely to be found in a man with taqwa
                          I'm only going on the points you made in the OP.

                          You mentioned the sister asking him his work schedule. I'm going on the assumption that his response will be honest. If she is okay with this then is it an issue?

                          You are adding in other requirements that were not mentioned in the OP. Moving goal posts is not fair, anyway the points you raise are also needed by both. We all know these are qualities that are desirable.

                          You have not addressed the bit about what the brothers should be looking out for.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                            I'm only going on the points you made in the OP.

                            You mentioned the sister asking him his work schedule. I'm going on the assumption that his response will be honest. If she is okay with this then is it an issue?

                            You are adding in other requirements that were not mentioned in the OP. Moving goal posts is not fair, anyway the points you raise are also needed by both. We all know these are qualities that are desirable.

                            You have not addressed the bit about what the brothers should be looking out for.
                            if she is okay with his schedule then no it’s not a problem but brothers need to be CLEAR and include any OT they work too. If both parties are okay with seeing each other very little then khalaas that’s up to them

                            I will have to think about what brothers should look out for, but I think it’s mainly to do with sisters saying they are happy to be a second wife but when reality kicks In they find it difficult. But I don’t know how a man would gauge this before marriage so I’m not sure how to address this
                            https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I have some experience of this from a child's perspective which sadly colours my views on it. There are a few members of my family in polygynous marriages too. IME it is rarely done properly, it is about a man wanting to fulfil his desires with little consideration towards his first family. This is especially true in the west, where it is much easier to take advantage of sisters. I have seen a very distinct trajectory almost of brothers who do it here - generally there are commonalities. The brother was not practising, becomes more religious then has to remarry in order to follow the sunnah. He usually is looking for a revert sister who is on benefits, so that he is not responsible for maintaining her. After the honeymoon period wears off he realises it is more hassle than it's worth and wants out. He tells everyone that she had a jinn/sihr that is affecting his first wife so he just divorce her. He then starts to look for another one. I have seen this cycle repeat so many times.

                              No one ever considers the impact on children and I think they should. It can be very difficult on children to know that they have a rather who is present yet absent if that makes sense? Women in polygamy are essentially single parents, taking on the brunt of the household by herself. I think this is where many sisters who were fine with the idea start to resent it. It is obviously more pronounced the more wives there are. Most men have a 'no contact except in emergencies' rule so can you imagine parenting your children in your own except for maybe one of two days a week, when your husband wants you to be giving him time and attention? As a mother you don't get a break ever. Children pick up on this and it can really affect father/children relationships.

                              For brothers I would say be wary about a sister who is very focussed on po!ygyny from the outset. I have seen this in reverts a lot, where she feels that her husband's wife will be an extension of HER family and they will all live happily as one big family. This isn't fair on a new wife at all, she is under no obligation to blend in to the family, not should she be expected to. These sisters crave a big family experience for themselves and want to fulfil that by their husband's remarrying, forgetting that they have no right to be part of that marriage.

                              Comment

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