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  • So this is my situation.

    I went through divorce 8 months ago. I spoke to someone about my situation and he fell in love with me 🤦‍♀️I didn't feel quite the same then I fell for him too but because I was going through what I was going through divorce...I needed time he did not want to wait. He wasn't a Muslim but was going mosque everyday to learn to take shahada. That's another thing..that set me back alot because I didn't see hardly any interest in islam from his side and I didn't want to force it on him.



    So I left. After a while I've spoken to him again and whenever I spoke about religion he kept dodging the topic so I said to him I need someone serious about Islam not someone I have to keep reminding. Anyway he mace it Cleer he wanted to be friends but couldn't even talk to me properly. This guy has a stutter and other issues which I've overlooked. So we stopped talking a few weeks ago.

    I cried to allah and prayed he sends me someone good I felt lonely. I signed up on an app, saw his message to me. A revert came to Islam four years ago. No one guided him to it just came to him through something so simple allah really chose him and he chose Allah but anyway he is serious about getting married even came to meet my parents everyone likes him. He prays five times a day and seems like a decent guy. Hard worker and is willing to move to home town and take two of my boys up. He's thirty years old and I'm 28. I'm happy with that my only issue is...I don't love him and I loved my ex alot, i don't know how to begin to imagine spending my life with someone I don't love. Don't know what to do.. 🤦‍♀️
    I keep thinking of this none Muslim guy thinking maybe I can try guide him but then in the long run I know I'll have an issue with the way he is in certain aspects..

    I keep wanting to contact him and speak to him feels like I'm in love with him but I don't feel like this with this other guy


    Last edited by muslimah1117; 15-01-20, 12:15 AM.

    Live everyday of your life as if it is your last day, for certainly one of them will be just that!


  • #2
    I think it's unhealthy to get married again when you are still attached to your ex.

    I know it is easier said than done but you should end that chapter of your life. You did get divorced for a reason, ask Allah to heal your heart and help you to move on.

    There is no benefit in dwelling in the past, in fact it is a hinderance and could even effect your iman. It's easy to fall into sin.

    I personally think it is an injustice to the new person if all your thinking about is your ex.

    It's not right to be unstable like that. It will only cause problems in your new relationship.

    Start fresh. Get rid of anything that reminds you of your ex. He isn't your mahram anymore, take this seriously.

    Also, avoid trying to get attached to men before marriage.

    Do you have any female friends? Or maybe a female therapist that you can see to talk about things and help you get through the aftermath of divorce.

    i think you should stop looking for marriage and focus on your mentality first. Gain your confidence back, put the past behind you and pray to Allah all the time, even if it feels like your answers or not being heard. Have trust and patience.

    In Sha Allah things will work out for you.
    ​​​​
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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    • #3
      Just replying to the first part of your post I haven’t mentioned my ex I am not attached to him this man was someone I spoke to after divorce who was not Muslim

      Live everyday of your life as if it is your last day, for certainly one of them will be just that!

      Comment


      • #4
        Alhamdulillah I’m ready to settle down but just in then hope of that other guy becoming Muslim I got quote attached to him and I shouldn’t have now I need to think clear and think what’s better for me and our future should i remarry if I’m not in love with him I mean isn’t that how people do it with arranged marriages

        Live everyday of your life as if it is your last day, for certainly one of them will be just that!

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by muslimah1117 View Post
          Just replying to the first part of your post I haven’t mentioned my ex I am not attached to him this man was someone I spoke to after divorce who was not Muslim
          Sis Allah gave u a good alternative to this man. A man who is not interested in the deen and doesn't seem too reliable for you, as you have children and responsibilities, is not worth going after.

          U can't love this new revert yet, since u haven't married or gotten to know him yet deeply. Its normal not to feel love yet.

          But you know what, this time u did the correct Islamic method of meeting the new revert man. He is respectful and saw ur parents. And he shares ur deen.

          Please remember that Allah blesses marriages when they do their nikkah, if they come together in fearing Allah and being humble to Him.

          Please take advantage of this opportunity and consider this revert man, it does seem from my corner that its an acceptance of ur dua!

          I ask Allah to give u the best outcome, ameen
          وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

          And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


          أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

          Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


          Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

          Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

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          • #6
            Originally posted by muslimah1117 View Post
            Just replying to the first part of your post I haven’t mentioned my ex I am not attached to him this man was someone I spoke to after divorce who was not Muslim
            sorry

            You said you loved your ex alot so that's why I thought you are probably attached to him
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #7
              Jazakallahukhair. Yes it just seems a bit strange to be with someone i don't love because I think so negative and it puts pressure on the relationship and it feels forced but it wasn't like they as we both wanted to speak to each other when we met on the app. I think I'm stopping things from naturally happening because Im thinking too deep into it. Idk but inshallah. I think I should do istikhara but Im not a very religious person inshallah I intend on changing that but will istikhara still work.

              Live everyday of your life as if it is your last day, for certainly one of them will be just that!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by muslimah1117 View Post
                I went through divorce 8 months ago. I spoke to someone about my situation and he fell in love with me 🤦‍♀️I didn't feel quite the same then I fell for him too but because I was going through what I was going through divorce...I needed time he did not want to wait. He wasn't a Muslim but was going mosque everyday to learn to take shahada. That's another thing..that set me back alot because I didn't see hardly any interest in islam from his side and I didn't want to force it on him.



                So I left. After a while I've spoken to him again and whenever I spoke about religion he kept dodging the topic so I said to him I need someone serious about Islam not someone I have to keep reminding. Anyway he mace it Cleer he wanted to be friends but couldn't even talk to me properly. This guy has a stutter and other issues which I've overlooked. So we stopped talking a few weeks ago.

                I cried to allah and prayed he sends me someone good I felt lonely. I signed up on an app, saw his message to me. A revert came to Islam four years ago. No one guided him to it just came to him through something so simple allah really chose him and he chose Allah but anyway he is serious about getting married even came to meet my parents everyone likes him. He prays five times a day and seems like a decent guy. Hard worker and is willing to move to home town and take two of my boys up. He's thirty years old and I'm 28. I'm happy with that my only issue is...I don't love him and I loved my ex alot, i don't know how to begin to imagine spending my life with someone I don't love. Don't know what to do.. 🤦‍♀️
                I keep thinking of this none Muslim guy thinking maybe I can try guide him but then in the long run I know I'll have an issue with the way he is in certain aspects..

                I keep wanting to contact him and speak to him feels like I'm in love with him but I don't feel like this with this other guy

                You already know what's right for you. Forget the guy who is not even Muslim. Instead prepare to support someone who has already converted to Islam and is following the teachings of Islam whole heartedly. May Allah make it easy for you to make the right decisions. Do Istikhara and hope Allah will put easy in your heart.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Ameen. Thank you

                  Live everyday of your life as if it is your last day, for certainly one of them will be just that!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Its really unfair to marry the nice guy when you are in a haram relationship and want to be with a nonmjuslim. Your contact with the nonmuslim is completely haram, you should stop it and do taubah But how do you think the nice guy would feel knowing you are attached to and want to be with a nonmslim man. Fear Allah and stop being so selfish and trying to use a nice man. Would he want to marry you knowing you are attached to and wishing to be with a nonmuslim, he is probably looking for someone who is not attached to someone else and as a revert someone who will help him in his deen, not break his heart.

                    If the nonmuslim is going to the mosque as you say you can wait and see if he decides to become muslim, then he can propose in a halal way, but its not appropriate for you to have contact with him now, you are trying to make an excuse saying you want to guide him but the islamic way is for him to be guided by the men at the mosque especially as he is already in touch with the mosque.

                    Please dont hurt the new revert and use him and disappoint him, its one thing if you dont love him yet, but being in love with the haram guy is something else that will be really hurtful for him and may even disillusion him iwith islam.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by muslimah1117 View Post
                      I went through divorce 8 months ago. I spoke to someone about my situation and he fell in love with me 🤦‍♀️I didn't feel quite the same then I fell for him too but because I was going through what I was going through divorce...I needed time he did not want to wait. He wasn't a Muslim but was going mosque everyday to learn to take shahada. That's another thing..that set me back alot because I didn't see hardly any interest in islam from his side and I didn't want to force it on him.



                      So I left. After a while I've spoken to him again and whenever I spoke about religion he kept dodging the topic so I said to him I need someone serious about Islam not someone I have to keep reminding. Anyway he mace it Cleer he wanted to be friends but couldn't even talk to me properly. This guy has a stutter and other issues which I've overlooked. So we stopped talking a few weeks ago.

                      I cried to allah and prayed he sends me someone good I felt lonely. I signed up on an app, saw his message to me. A revert came to Islam four years ago. No one guided him to it just came to him through something so simple allah really chose him and he chose Allah but anyway he is serious about getting married even came to meet my parents everyone likes him. He prays five times a day and seems like a decent guy. Hard worker and is willing to move to home town and take two of my boys up. He's thirty years old and I'm 28. I'm happy with that my only issue is...I don't love him and I loved my ex alot, i don't know how to begin to imagine spending my life with someone I don't love. Don't know what to do.. 🤦‍♀️
                      I keep thinking of this none Muslim guy thinking maybe I can try guide him but then in the long run I know I'll have an issue with the way he is in certain aspects..

                      I keep wanting to contact him and speak to him feels like I'm in love with him but I don't feel like this with this other guy

                      You don't know what you are doing.

                      Your judgement is horrendous.

                      Do yourself a favour and stay away from all men.

                      Give yourself time to get over your divorce.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Based on what you've told us so far, I suspect that the non Muslim guy was playing you. He isn't interested in converting to Islam but is going to the mosque and doing certain things as he's interested in Muslim women or maybe a particular ethnicity and knows a good Muslimah wouldn't avoid men who aren't Muslim so he's giving the impression of being inclined to Islam and then plays the role of the attentive good listener to see if you'll let your guard slip and get into a relationship with him anyway. You did the right thing to break up with him.

                        I don't know if you're ready for marriage yet as the fact that you're more inclined to someone so wrong for you suggests you may still have unresolved issues that lead to you being attracted to someone who isn't right for you. I think istikhara is a good idea, but don't expect to see any dreams or visions or any big revelations to answer your prayer. Just do the dua istikhara and then give it time, carry on with your life and see how things pan out as through your circumstances and interactions, things will come to the surface about him and yourself that will help you answer whether marrying him will be right for you or not.

                        As for love, I don't know if your feelings will change over time, but I can tell you what happened to one of my relatives when she was single in her 20s. She's very religious and always wanted to marry someone Arab who knew the Arabic language so that she could learn more about the deen and they could live an Islamic lifestyle. Through mutual friends, she was introduced to a mixed race brother who was half white half Arab. They liked each other and she developed very strong feelings for him at first, but then he spoke to his family and things changed. His parents turned out to be racist and said he can't marry a Pakistani. They said he is Arab and must marry an Arab from back home. It turned out he doesn't even know much Arabic himself and the girl his parents selected doesn't speak his language either. He told my relative he'll do whatever his parents want and started parroting their excuses saying he should "marry someone from the same background (ie Arab)" even if she doesn't speak his language and nonsense like that. My relative was REALLY upset. She thought she'd found the one, but he had other ideas.

                        After some weeks or months, a mutual friend introduced her to a different Arab guy, this time a student of knowledge who grew up in her town but moved in his teens to study at Al Azhar, so at first their correspondence was online. His family accepted her and her family were reluctant to have a son in law who wasn't Pakistani, but she managed to convince her dad to consent to the nikah which was the main thing. Anyway, I spoke to her after the nikah and she was telling me, she doesn't know why she got so wrapped up in that previous guy. Actually I don't think it's that she was in love with the mixed race guy- I think she was in love with the IDEA of him knowing Arabic and teaching it to her and them living an Islamic lifestyle, when in fact the reality didn't conform to that as he didn't know much Arabic and wasn't as practising or Islamic as she thought he was. I think the same can be said of you; that you're not necessarily in love with the non Muslim, but fell in love with the IDEA of such a nice guy converting to better himself and then marry you- even though the reality is that was never really on the cards cos he isn't really intending to convert. So anyway yeah she did marry the student of knowledge, they had two kids together, he turned out to be a good husband and I don't think she ever regretted it.

                        After istikhara, if you still feel plagued by these conflicting feelings, then I suggest that you're upfront with this revert brother. Tell him that he has all the best qualities you look for in a husband, you think he's a great guy. Admit to him that you think he'd be a great husband, but you're not in love with him and you don't know whether it'll change after marriage as so many people say these things change after an arranged marriage due to spending quality time together, or whether that'll never change. Put the ball in his court and see what he says. He might say he's willing to give it time and take that chance to see if things will change after marriage, or he might say perhaps we should go our separate ways. that way if you marry him, you haven't entered the marriage harbouring these secret feelings (don't tell him you're in love with someone else though- that's a step too far) and if you don't marry then maybe it wasn't meant to be and as others have said, you probably need more time to come to terms with your divorce and move on before embarking on a new relationship.
                        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by neelu View Post
                          Based on what you've told us so far, I suspect that the non Muslim guy was playing you. He isn't interested in converting to Islam but is going to the mosque and doing certain things as he's interested in Muslim women or maybe a particular ethnicity and knows a good Muslimah wouldn't avoid men who aren't Muslim so he's giving the impression of being inclined to Islam and then plays the role of the attentive good listener to see if you'll let your guard slip and get into a relationship with him anyway. You did the right thing to break up with him.

                          I don't know if you're ready for marriage yet as the fact that you're more inclined to someone so wrong for you suggests you may still have unresolved issues that lead to you being attracted to someone who isn't right for you. I think istikhara is a good idea, but don't expect to see any dreams or visions or any big revelations to answer your prayer. Just do the dua istikhara and then give it time, carry on with your life and see how things pan out as through your circumstances and interactions, things will come to the surface about him and yourself that will help you answer whether marrying him will be right for you or not.

                          As for love, I don't know if your feelings will change over time, but I can tell you what happened to one of my relatives when she was single in her 20s. She's very religious and always wanted to marry someone Arab who knew the Arabic language so that she could learn more about the deen and they could live an Islamic lifestyle. Through mutual friends, she was introduced to a mixed race brother who was half white half Arab. They liked each other and she developed very strong feelings for him at first, but then he spoke to his family and things changed. His parents turned out to be racist and said he can't marry a Pakistani. They said he is Arab and must marry an Arab from back home. It turned out he doesn't even know much Arabic himself and the girl his parents selected doesn't speak his language either. He told my relative he'll do whatever his parents want and started parroting their excuses saying he should "marry someone from the same background (ie Arab)" even if she doesn't speak his language and nonsense like that. My relative was REALLY upset. She thought she'd found the one, but he had other ideas.

                          After some weeks or months, a mutual friend introduced her to a different Arab guy, this time a student of knowledge who grew up in her town but moved in his teens to study at Al Azhar, so at first their correspondence was online. His family accepted her and her family were reluctant to have a son in law who wasn't Pakistani, but she managed to convince her dad to consent to the nikah which was the main thing. Anyway, I spoke to her after the nikah and she was telling me, she doesn't know why she got so wrapped up in that previous guy. Actually I don't think it's that she was in love with the mixed race guy- I think she was in love with the IDEA of him knowing Arabic and teaching it to her and them living an Islamic lifestyle, when in fact the reality didn't conform to that as he didn't know much Arabic and wasn't as practising or Islamic as she thought he was. I think the same can be said of you; that you're not necessarily in love with the non Muslim, but fell in love with the IDEA of such a nice guy converting to better himself and then marry you- even though the reality is that was never really on the cards cos he isn't really intending to convert. So anyway yeah she did marry the student of knowledge, they had two kids together, he turned out to be a good husband and I don't think she ever regretted it.

                          After istikhara, if you still feel plagued by these conflicting feelings, then I suggest that you're upfront with this revert brother. Tell him that he has all the best qualities you look for in a husband, you think he's a great guy. Admit to him that you think he'd be a great husband, but you're not in love with him and you don't know whether it'll change after marriage as so many people say these things change after an arranged marriage due to spending quality time together, or whether that'll never change. Put the ball in his court and see what he says. He might say he's willing to give it time and take that chance to see if things will change after marriage, or he might say perhaps we should go our separate ways. that way if you marry him, you haven't entered the marriage harbouring these secret feelings (don't tell him you're in love with someone else though- that's a step too far) and if you don't marry then maybe it wasn't meant to be and as others have said, you probably need more time to come to terms with your divorce and move on before embarking on a new relationship.
                          That was a painful read but you got there in the end.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by muslimah1117 View Post
                            I went through divorce 8 months ago. I spoke to someone about my situation and he fell in love with me 🤦‍♀️I didn't feel quite the same then I fell for him too but because I was going through what I was going through divorce...I needed time he did not want to wait. He wasn't a Muslim but was going mosque everyday to learn to take shahada. That's another thing..that set me back alot because I didn't see hardly any interest in islam from his side and I didn't want to force it on him.



                            So I left. After a while I've spoken to him again and whenever I spoke about religion he kept dodging the topic so I said to him I need someone serious about Islam not someone I have to keep reminding. Anyway he mace it Cleer he wanted to be friends but couldn't even talk to me properly. This guy has a stutter and other issues which I've overlooked. So we stopped talking a few weeks ago.

                            I cried to allah and prayed he sends me someone good I felt lonely. I signed up on an app, saw his message to me. A revert came to Islam four years ago. No one guided him to it just came to him through something so simple allah really chose him and he chose Allah but anyway he is serious about getting married even came to meet my parents everyone likes him. He prays five times a day and seems like a decent guy. Hard worker and is willing to move to home town and take two of my boys up. He's thirty years old and I'm 28. I'm happy with that my only issue is...I don't love him and I loved my ex alot, i don't know how to begin to imagine spending my life with someone I don't love. Don't know what to do.. 🤦‍♀️
                            I keep thinking of this none Muslim guy thinking maybe I can try guide him but then in the long run I know I'll have an issue with the way he is in certain aspects..

                            I keep wanting to contact him and speak to him feels like I'm in love with him but I don't feel like this with this other guy

                            You call yourself a muslimah and you want someone serious about Islam but yourself not a decent muslim or serious about Islam, if were a decent muslimah you wouldn't be getting close to a man who isn't your husband. In Islam theres no falling love with opposite gender before marriage, love comes after marriage. Don't you know muslim women shouldn't be meeting men? You have feelings for that non-muslim guy because you were lonely, going through divorce and also your suffering from insecurities and low self-esteem so you wanted someone by you because you are insecure. It is obvious this non-muslim guy isn't serious, I think he wanted you for quick fun. When he wasn't converting to Islam that should have been red flag for you but you kept on relationship with him, it shows your a naive and misguided. There are probably many non-muslim men convert to Islam for show, they are not serious, they just convert to marry a muslim woman, you lucky didn't fall in that trap yet. You need to ask yourself do you love Allah and Islam more or that non-muslim guy? It is also quite embarrassing your behaving like young teenagers, your 28 and single mum so grow up. Love isn't real its just good feeling, if another new guy comes to you when your in emtional turmoil, you also fall for him. I think you should sort yourself out first before you get married again, you don't seem to be stable. Those people with low self-esteem and insecurities they are desperate to have relationship or want a partner. This is because they feel empty inside so they want someone to feel good. I think shaytaan also influencing you, he knows your weak so shaytaan trying to attach you to that non-muslim guy emotionally slowly shaytaan will make do you haram things with him if you don't be careful this is why Islam forbidden men and women mixing freely.
                            Last edited by ThisIsJannah; Yesterday, 01:01 AM.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ThisIsJannah View Post

                              You call yourself a muslimah and you want someone serious about Islam but yourself not a decent muslim or serious about Islam, if were a decent muslimah you wouldn't be getting close to a man who isn't your husband. In Islam theres no falling love with opposite gender before marriage, love comes after marriage. Don't you know muslim women shouldn't be meeting men? You have feelings for that non-muslim guy because you were lonely, going through divorce and also your suffering from insecurities and low self-esteem so you wanted someone by you because you are insecure. It is obvious this non-muslim guy isn't serious, I think he wanted you for quick fun. When he wasn't converting to Islam that should have been red flag for you but you kept on relationship with him, it shows your a naive and misguided. There are probably many non-muslim men convert to Islam for show, they are not serious, they just convert to marry a muslim woman, you lucky didn't fall in that trap yet. You need to ask yourself do you love Allah and Islam more or that non-muslim guy? It is also quite embarrassing your behaving like young teenagers, your 28 and single mum so grow up. Love isn't real its just good feeling, if another new guy comes to you when your in emtional turmoil, you also fall for him. I think you should sort yourself out first before you get married again, you don't seem to be stable. Those people with low self-esteem and insecurities they are desperate to have relationship or want a partner. This is because they feel empty inside so they want someone to feel good. I think shaytaan also influencing you, he knows your weak so shaytaan trying to attach you to that non-muslim guy emotionally slowly shaytaan will make do you haram things with him if you don't be careful this is why Islam forbidden men and women mixing freely.
                              10/10.

                              At least someone has spotted the elephant in the room.

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