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  • marrying an infertile person?

    this came in my mind after reading a post here.....as far as i know Ibrahim saws didnt divorce his wife sarah ra after knowing she was infertile (correct me if im wrong),and i myself would not do it....if i get married and my wife was infertile then it would be a bit sad but i would not divorce her...as i wouldnt want her to divorce me if i was infertile.....what about you,what do you think? if you knew your spouse was infertile would you stand by them always or would you divorce them? would it be offensive to ask for a fertility test before marriage?
    what does it matter who I end up with if it can’t be you...you will always be my princess...

  • #2
    Originally posted by Aetos View Post
    this came in my mind after reading a post here.....as far as i know Ibrahim saws didnt divorce his wife sarah ra after knowing she was infertile (correct me if im wrong),and i myself would not do it....if i get married and my wife was infertile then it would be a bit sad but i would not divorce her...as i wouldnt want her to divorce me if i was infertile.....what about you,what do you think? if you knew your spouse was infertile would you stand by them always or would you divorce them? would it be offensive to ask for a fertility test before marriage?
    I have heard about men having fertility tests beforehand, especially if they have a known family history of male infertility. I think very few men would stay with an infertile wife without remarrying. Even if he doesn't mind there will be a lot of pressure put on him to remarry. It might be different with the new generation, marrying one is hard enough!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post
      marrying one is hard enough!
      exactly.....but well you can say that you are the one who is infertile,so they would actually congratulate the wife for staying with you......thanks for answering :)
      what does it matter who I end up with if it can’t be you...you will always be my princess...

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Aetos View Post

        exactly.....but well you can say that you are the one who is infertile,so they would actually congratulate the wife for staying with you......thanks for answering :)
        From what I've seen a woman who leaves her infertile husband is considered very bad, but a man who divorced his infertile wife is understandable. Just stupid cultural thinking.

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        • #5
          If I love him and he is a good man, I'll stay with him and adopt children. If a man wanted to divorce me because I was infertile then I would not blame him, because he has the right to want and have children.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post
            If I love him and he is a good man, I'll stay with him and adopt children. If a man wanted to divorce me because I was infertile then I would not blame him, because he has the right to want and have children.
            What would you do if after years of trying he decided he did not want children?

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post
              If I love him and he is a good man, I'll stay with him and adopt children. If a man wanted to divorce me because I was infertile then I would not blame him, because he has the right to want and have children.
              Adoption in Islam is not easy. In fact there is no adoption in the western sense, where you become the child's named parents. There is fostering but at the age of puberty the child will have to leave unless you can breastfeed it, but there is difference of opinion about the age requirement and number of times required to make it you r 'milk child'.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Aetos View Post
                this came in my mind after reading a post here.....as far as i know Ibrahim saws didnt divorce his wife sarah ra after knowing she was infertile (correct me if im wrong),and i myself would not do it....if i get married and my wife was infertile then it would be a bit sad but i would not divorce her...as i wouldnt want her to divorce me if i was infertile.....what about you,what do you think? if you knew your spouse was infertile would you stand by them always or would you divorce them? would it be offensive to ask for a fertility test before marriage?
                It might be different when you are actually in that situation. As a man you could just get another wife if you are not infertile and keep the first wife. You say it would be sad to divorce her which is understandable but then getting another wife might cause her sadness and insecurities.

                To be fair if you were the infertile one then really you should give her the option of remaining married to you.

                I guess with couples it would depend on how badly they wanted children and whether their marriage is worth sacrificing having kids to remain with an infertile spouse.

                I know some couples who after years and years of trying were blessed with children while some I know are still childless yet remain together. There are also some who did get divorced. There was someone and her husband was getting pressured from his parents and other relatives to either divorce or get another wife. He chose to get another wife. Long story short the nikah date was set but a few days before they found oit his wife was expecting and he called off the nikah. Alhumdulillah Allah swt has blessed them with more children since.

                We can say we would do this or that but only when you are actually in a situation like that then a decision would be made.

                About getting fertility tests yes I would find that awkward. A fertility test does not guarantee that you will definately have or not have kids.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                  What would you do if after years of trying he decided he did not want children?
                  It depends really. It depends on a lot of things: my age, financial situation, my relationship with him, my spiritual level, etc.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post

                    From what I've seen a woman who leaves her infertile husband is considered very bad, but a man who divorced his infertile wife is understandable. Just stupid cultural thinking.
                    Because they still have that medieval mentality that the man need to make children to expand his tribe...idk why its so hard to treat everyone equally

                    Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post
                    If I love him and he is a good man, I'll stay with him and adopt children. If a man wanted to divorce me because I was
                    infertile then I would not blame him, because he has the right to want and have children.
                    Nice thinking...fair enough….may Allah never put you into this kind of situation..thanks for your answer :)

                    Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post

                    It might be different when you are actually in that situation. As a man you could just get another wife if you are not infertile and keep the first wife. You say it would be sad to divorce her which is understandable but then getting another wife might cause her sadness and insecurities.

                    To be fair if you were the infertile one then really you should give her the option of remaining married to you.

                    I guess with couples it would depend on how badly they wanted children and whether their marriage is worth sacrificing having kids to remain with an infertile spouse.

                    I know some couples who after years and years of trying were blessed with children while some I know are still childless yet remain together. There are also some who did get divorced. There was someone and her husband was getting pressured from his parents and other relatives to either divorce or get another wife. He chose to get another wife. Long story short the nikah date was set but a few days before they found oit his wife was expecting and he called off the nikah. Alhumdulillah Allah swt has blessed them with more children since.

                    We can say we would do this or that but only when you are actually in a situation like that then a decision would be made.

                    About getting fertility tests yes I would find that awkward. A fertility test does not guarantee that you will definately have or not have kids.
                    yes i would give her the option of remaining with me but i would be completely heartbroken if she left me,and i think she would feel the same if i left her....Imagine the pain a woman would go through knowing she cant have children,add to that a divorce...its devastating....Allah has made her my wife i am supposed to protect her not cause her more grief and trouble....so even if i wanted children i would try my best to sacrifice....marriage is about sacrifice...you know i grew up in another culture so getting a second wife is super alien for me and smth i can never integrate in my life,and we also have a very close relation with our wives that i have never seen smn getting divorced for this reason....this may sound cynical but children are not my priority anyway,i have a lot of things to do between me and Allah that having children or not doesnt concern me much....i wouldnt be a good father anyway.....also i have let go of smn i loved once,and that feeling is hell on earth,if i marry and i love my wife i would not let her go and go through that feeling again,i would just stick with her whatever happens.....but you are totally right though,i only explained the many reasons why i think i would stay with her
                    what does it matter who I end up with if it can’t be you...you will always be my princess...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Aetos View Post
                      this came in my mind after reading a post here.....as far as i know Ibrahim saws didnt divorce his wife sarah ra after knowing she was infertile (correct me if im wrong),and i myself would not do it....if i get married and my wife was infertile then it would be a bit sad but i would not divorce her...as i wouldnt want her to divorce me if i was infertile.....what about you,what do you think? if you knew your spouse was infertile would you stand by them always or would you divorce them? would it be offensive to ask for a fertility test before marriage?
                      Ibraheem عليه السلام also had more than one wife at a time.

                      I think we need to mention both facts, which are that he did not divorce Sarah, and he also married Hajar. I don't think we can say that he didn't divorce Sarah and leave it at that.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        My husband and I will complete 7 years of marriage this year and Allah has not blessed us with children ( yet ! )

                        The life of this duniya will always be riddled with tests. Sometimes, those tests will be through your children and sometimes, through not having children at all.

                        During our infertility journey, my husband and I have already experienced a world of hope, defeat, and mourning — all while being unsure of what the future holds. But, we've come to a point where we've realised that not having children does not have to be a death sentence to our marriage.

                        It's entirely possible for couples to build a strong and happy marriage without children. Contrary to popular belief, we sometimes forget that we “should” be sad that we don’t have children.

                        We're thankful and content with whatever Allah Taala has chosen for us but at the same time, we have not given up hope that we shall be parents one day, InshaAllah.

                        I think more than the couple itself, others derive a lot of malicious pleasure in reminding them how "deprived" they are ...esp women. If a couple is dealing with fertility issues, it's usually the woman who is stigmatised and ostracized for being "barren".

                        Even well-meaning family and friends offer a lot of unsolicited and unwelcome advice at times in this regard. Societal pressure and taunts are enough to drive an infertile couple to the brink of depression and insanity.

                        People do not understand that the infertile couple has a lot of stress to deal with themselves, it's not like they have chosen to be infertile or that they do not want children.

                        One must always remember that fertility is a couple's issue. The responsibility is on both, the sorrows are for both and the joys for both. It's not a blame game, not finger pointing, neither on the woman or the man.

                        After marriage, it's essential to focus on what would be best for you rather than be swayed or influenced by the opinions of others. For some, the desire to become a parent may be greater than sticking with their spouse through thick and thin. For others, being together may be more important than having their own children. Alhamdulillah, the Shariah is flexible in this matter. A Muslim is free to choose from the options available to him/her.





                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                          My husband and I will complete 7 years of marriage this year and Allah has not blessed us with children ( yet ! )

                          The life of this duniya will always be riddled with tests. Sometimes, those tests will be through your children and sometimes, through not having children at all.

                          During our infertility journey, my husband and I have already experienced a world of hope, defeat, and mourning — all while being unsure of what the future holds. But, we've come to a point where we've realised that not having children does not have to be a death sentence to our marriage.

                          It's entirely possible for couples to build a strong and happy marriage without children. Contrary to popular belief, we sometimes forget that we “should” be sad that we don’t have children.

                          We're thankful and content with whatever Allah Taala has chosen for us but at the same time, we have not given up hope that we shall be parents one day, InshaAllah.

                          I think more than the couple itself, others derive a lot of malicious pleasure in reminding them how "deprived" they are ...esp women. If a couple is dealing with fertility issues, it's usually the woman who is stigmatised and ostracized for being "barren".

                          Even well-meaning family and friends offer a lot of unsolicited and unwelcome advice at times in this regard. Societal pressure and taunts are enough to drive an infertile couple to the brink of depression and insanity.

                          People do not understand that the infertile couple has a lot of stress to deal with themselves, it's not like they have chosen to be infertile or that they do not want children.

                          One must always remember that fertility is a couple's issue. The responsibility is on both, the sorrows are for both and the joys for both. It's not a blame game, not finger pointing, neither on the woman or the man.

                          After marriage, it's essential to focus on what would be best for you rather than be swayed or influenced by the opinions of others. For some, the desire to become a parent may be greater than sticking with their spouse through thick and thin. For others, being together may be more important than having their own children. Alhamdulillah, the Shariah is flexible in this matter. A Muslim is free to choose from the options available to him/her.




                          I agree with all of what you said. May Allah swt grant you a child in the best time for you. I have two friends who waited seven years and they both have 2+ now. Another got her husband married after 15 years of infertility and she got pregnant a few months later. A very good friend of mine married very young, was declared infertile, had 3 rounds of IVF which all failed. SubhanAllah she just had her 7th child naturally, she was gutted to be pregnant again and was laughing saying that all of the duaa she made to have a baby is catching up with her. Allah swt knows best in His time.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                            My husband and I will complete 7 years of marriage this year and Allah has not blessed us with children ( yet ! )

                            The life of this duniya will always be riddled with tests. Sometimes, those tests will be through your children and sometimes, through not having children at all.

                            During our infertility journey, my husband and I have already experienced a world of hope, defeat, and mourning — all while being unsure of what the future holds. But, we've come to a point where we've realised that not having children does not have to be a death sentence to our marriage.

                            It's entirely possible for couples to build a strong and happy marriage without children. Contrary to popular belief, we sometimes forget that we “should” be sad that we don’t have children.

                            We're thankful and content with whatever Allah Taala has chosen for us but at the same time, we have not given up hope that we shall be parents one day, InshaAllah.

                            I think more than the couple itself, others derive a lot of malicious pleasure in reminding them how "deprived" they are ...esp women. If a couple is dealing with fertility issues, it's usually the woman who is stigmatised and ostracized for being "barren".

                            Even well-meaning family and friends offer a lot of unsolicited and unwelcome advice at times in this regard. Societal pressure and taunts are enough to drive an infertile couple to the brink of depression and insanity.

                            People do not understand that the infertile couple has a lot of stress to deal with themselves, it's not like they have chosen to be infertile or that they do not want children.

                            One must always remember that fertility is a couple's issue. The responsibility is on both, the sorrows are for both and the joys for both. It's not a blame game, not finger pointing, neither on the woman or the man.

                            After marriage, it's essential to focus on what would be best for you rather than be swayed or influenced by the opinions of others. For some, the desire to become a parent may be greater than sticking with their spouse through thick and thin. For others, being together may be more important than having their own children. Alhamdulillah, the Shariah is flexible in this matter. A Muslim is free to choose from the options available to him/her.




                            Well said!! I agree.....this is very sad to read,i dont know what to say but i really wish the best for you....may Allah give you children soon,and jannah too when you die for both you and your husband....but you know what makes me happy...that you seem to go through this with sabr and the rewards for sabr and huge....keep resisting and relief will soon come
                            what does it matter who I end up with if it can’t be you...you will always be my princess...

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post

                              It depends really. It depends on a lot of things: my age, financial situation, my relationship with him, my spiritual level, etc.
                              I think these will also be at play in the first scenario. It's too simplistic to say "if I love him and he's a good man...".

                              Comment

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