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Step kids and co sleeping

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  • Step kids and co sleeping

    Assalamu alaikum. I wanted to know from an Islamic point of view and from a personal point of view. If I marry a woman (divorcee with kids) and her kids are 5-6 years old. Then obviously those kids are too small so they will be with their mother at night.
    Let's say we get married and we are newly married. I would want to spent some private time with my new wife. Get to know her and get comfortable with her. Is my need to have alone time with her selfish? I am a little embarrassed to bring this up before marriage with a candidate. How do generally couples work this out. (Those who have married divorcees or widows with kids). Does the husband sleep in a separate room while the wife sleep with her kids.

  • #2
    I don't think it is a given that a 5/6 year old sleeps with its mother all of the time.  However, I think it is good to bring this up before marriage whether it is a second marriage of not.  Ie. Asking a potential how they envisage sleeping arrangements after having a baby, how long they would expect a child to sleep with parents etc.  There can be massive cultural differences in this regard, my Asian friends for example all sleep with their children until they are 5 or so, but in my culture this is unheard of.  I remember when my eldest was a newborn and my in-laws being annoyed that he was in bed with us, saying that there should only be one man in the bed.  

    When you marry someone with children you need to be especially sensitive towards them.  A close friend of mine was widowed with a newborn and she remarried when he was three.  He was distressed on the first night to see him next to his mother and her husband insisted on sleeping downstairs until the boy felt comfortable with him.  In your shoes I would suggest taking her away for a night of two so that you have some uninterrupted time, if this is possible.  Children inevitably hinder opportunities for private time and you need to be prepared for that.
     

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    • #3
      You would just have to ask about her sleeping arrangements with the children. If you don't want to be so direct as you say you are embarrassed you could ask her/her wali indirectly. You would provide accomodation for your new wife so ask how many bedrooms does she expect your property to have so her kids can be accommodated too. Ask if her children stay at their dads or grandparents (or other relatives)or how does she think her children will feel/react to their being a new person in their and their mothers life.¬¬†

      You might find that her children do sleep separetly but when they see there mum with a new person they might start playing up and want to sleep with her. You would need to have sabr. If the children go to school try and spend quality time with the wife during the day.¬¬†

      Don't leave these kind of questions until very later on. I would not say you are being selfish but you have to remember if she has kids don't put her in a situation where she has to choose between keeping you happy or upsetting her kids especially if it can be avoided.


      ¬¬†

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      • #4
        ^Sorry to contradict you but in my opinion, it's a very bad idea to ask through a wali what post marital sleeping arrangements would be like.  Most parents I know would see that as too forward and intimate a question to ask before marriage even though it's a valid question.  If there's any way of asking her directly, such as if he has her email address/whatsapp/social media contact details, or if they get to meet in person but do not have elders within earshot of their conversation- then ask (preferably not during a first meeting).
        The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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        • #5
          Originally posted by neelu View Post
          ^Sorry to contradict you but in my opinion, it's a very bad idea to ask through a wali what post marital sleeping arrangements would be like.¬ Most parents I know would see that as too forward and intimate a question to ask before marriage even though it's a valid question.¬ If there's any way of asking her directly, such as if he has her email address/whatsapp/social media contact details, or if they get to meet in person but do not have elders within earshot of their conversation- then ask (preferably not during a first meeting).
          I think the suggestion above about asking how many bedrooms would be needed is a really good starting point. Obviously it would send the wrong message to ask on the first meeting if they would be sleeping together or not, but it could be worded in a way that the brother could gauge from her answer what the score is. For example he could say it's really important to him that any future children do/ don't cosleep. She would able to know what his feelings are on the matter and either proceed or not.

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          • #6
            I am fully aware that kids especially the ones who aren't mature enough will try to create hurdles between the mum and the "other man". They only would want their mum and daddy together. That possessiveness would be there. Once her kids grow up then they would be mature enough to realise their mums emotional needs.
            I don't want to push it too much to put her in a difficult spot, I am not comfortable with the idea of hugging/ showing random acts of love (not just at night but throughout the day even) in front of the kids until they n I form a connection. I don't want to live like roommates right from the beginning where she is fulfilling her duties towards her kids and I am fulfilling mine and then me and her don't connect and don't spend quality time (although that may be most likely the case and we may get very little time together).
            I don't know if a woman with kids would be that inclined towards spending quality time, as most of their time effort and focus goes towards the kids. I don't know if they would put spending quality time as a priority. I am just afraid I would endup expecting more and expectations means disaster.
            Is there any Islamic perspective on this.

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            • #7
              The Islamic perspective is to stop making everyone cringe with soppy hypothetical ramblings about marriage. Seriously...

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              • #8
                No need to take up this issue even before marriage, she would be your wife and you will learn the way.
                قُلْنَا يَا نَارُ كُونِي بَرْدًا وَسَلَامًا عَلَىٰ إِبْرَاهِيمَ - 21:69

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
                  The Islamic perspective is to stop making everyone cringe with soppy hypothetical ramblings about marriage. Seriously...
                  The Islamic perspective is to stop discouraging people from asking questions and consultation.
                  ​​​​ If you're not that type of person you are free to not read my posts which are soppy and cringeworthy.

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                  • #10
                    A Muslim woman's allegiance is to her husband over her kids or parents
                    This doesn't mean she must neglect either.
                    If there is no real need like kids being sick etc she must realize that her role as a wife is to keep the husband from zina et and vice versa.

                    I think this must be asked but, is subtle way and if the sister understands her role she shouldnt have an issue

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                    • #11
                      If I decide to marry a divorced/widowed with kids, I wouldn't be too much bothered where the kids sleep.
                      "Europe died in Bosnia and was buried in Syria. Bodies of innocent children washing ashore are the
                      western civilization's tombstones"


                      Rajab Tayyab Erdogan

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post

                        The Islamic perspective is to stop discouraging people from asking questions and consultation.
                        ​​​​ If you're not that type of person you are free to not read my posts which are soppy and cringeworthy.
                        Find me someone who encourages people to ask questions about hypothetical scenarios.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Eijaz Koor View Post
                          A Muslim woman's allegiance is to her husband over her kids or parents
                          This doesn't mean she must neglect either.
                          If there is no real need like kids being sick etc she must realize that her role as a wife is to keep the husband from zina et and vice versa.

                          I think this must be asked but, is subtle way and if the sister understands her role she shouldnt have an issue
                          She will always prioritise her kids over her husband
                          And when it comes to marriage if she is smart she will think whats best for my children is this man going to be a good role model a good father then a good husband

                          To op if you marry someone with young kids you should expect this and have to learnt to cater your life around the kids as her priority will be them if your not ready for that dont marry her

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                            She will always prioritise her kids over her husband
                            And when it comes to marriage if she is smart she will think whats best for my children is this man going to be a good role model a good father then a good husband

                            To op if you marry someone with young kids you should expect this and have to learnt to cater your life around the kids as her priority will be them if your not ready for that dont marry her
                            What she has to do and what she would aren't the same I agree.

                            yes, for this reason I also prefer someone without kids in my search.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by neelu View Post
                              ^Sorry to contradict you but in my opinion, it's a very bad idea to ask through a wali what post marital sleeping arrangements would be like.¬¬† Most parents I know would see that as too forward and intimate a question to ask before marriage even though it's a valid question.¬¬† If there's any way of asking her directly, such as if he has her email address/whatsapp/social media contact details, or if they get to meet in person but do not have elders within earshot of their conversation- then ask (preferably not during a first meeting).
                              I would not suggest asking blatenty nor on the first few meetings that is why I mentioned asking indirectly. By asking indirectly with some of the questions I mentioned the brother should be able to find out about if the kids sleep with their mum and then he can take it from there.

                              It is one of those issues that need to be addressed but yes he could just ask the woman directly. She might not have a problem with him asking or may come across as someone who is more (only) interested in his needs.

                              He would have to ask further questions like why she wants to get married. Does she understand the roles, rights responsibilities of each spouse etc.

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