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  • Interracial marriage

    Hi. 

    This is my first post on here so let’s hope I’m doing it right. 

    There’s a guy I met. I knew of him and then I knew him and spoke to him. We spoke about impersonal and formal matters. It got personal at some point and we’d talk as friends. Because we’re both Muslim and our faith means something to us, we know it isn’t right to do that. I am more relaxed about it than he is but ultimately, it’s not right. We got close. One day he asked me, what is this? Do you have feelings? Would you want to consider something more? This was around a while after we’d be speaking pretty much every day and met up a few times too. I told him I had no feelings but I’d want to consider him because we connect so well and it’s not something I’d want to just leave. This is where things got messy. He felt the same but he said that he couldn’t consider me because we’re of different ethnicities and his parents want him to marry someone of his own. He’s arab and I’m Pakistani. I said okay I’ll respect that. But I was attached and he was too. So we continued talking. Then he’d go back and forth somewhat because of his conflict - feelings developed for us both and we liked each other but couldn’t be with each other. But soon after he got really busy with things and decided to lessen communication - it was meant to be cut off but I messaged and he messaged back. So now we’re talking here and there. He started being very cold towards me but explained later that it was because he was angry at himself for doing wrong and some things he said he explained and apologised. We met up after that and he was his normal self again - who I knew him to be. We met and we hugged. We spoke and it was good, we connected and I loved being with him. He goes back and forth a lot in terms of being warm with me to saying this is wrong and I shouldn’t be doing this. 

    I don’t quite know what this all was. You could say a relationship that was unstable but just without the label. I’m at this point now where I’m like, what now? 

    He spoke to me recently and said that he wanted to talk. He said that he would talk to a few people and think about what he wants long term and how it would all turn out. 

    This is when it kinda shook me to reality. Marriage. That’s the only way. But I have a few concerns. 

    I like him a lot but how do I know it’s him I want to be with?
    He’s arab and I’m Pakistani and I know my family will have SO much difficulty coming to terms with that - is it worth it? 
    How do you even know you’re ready for marriage?
    And we’ve spoken and met and hugged - surely there would be a lack of Barakah in this. 

    I’m not really sure what to do. Should I just leave? Maybe he’ll find someone better for him. Was it stupid to even entertain the possibility that I could marry someone out of ethnicity knowing my family is quite traditional and strict and believe in arranged marriages? How do you know if someone is the one - maybe if I leave, he’ll move on and so will I? 

    I want to be with him but I just don’t know, there are a few questions in my mind. 

    This is a lot so I’d appreciate any help or direction. I recognise that this whole thing wasn’t exactly halal. Just noting that. 

    Jazakamullahu khayran.

  • #2
    It looks like you would rather have this 'friendship' instead of marriage.

    It was your fault and mistake for messaging him again.

    He made it clear that his parents won't allow different ethnicity, you didn't even have feelings for him but you still went ahead and confused not only him but yourself too.

    At least you know it was stupidity.

    If religion means something to you, go and tell your parents (or whoever is your guardian) to contact his family for marriage.

    If he really wanted this, he should have told his parents by now instead of faffing about and being so wishy washy.

    obviously, you can carry on touching him, dating him, it's not my problem, because you know that's your sin at the end of the day.

    think about your priorities

    You are brave enough to date a man, your brave enough to be alone with a man, and the worst one, you are brave enough to hug a man, getting so physical takes a lot. 

    why can't you be brave enough to be committed and take the halal option for marriage?

    This is what you should do:

    --stop talking to him, Because now the next stage after hugging him is to get to next level of Zina, formication, if you are going to put yourself in that situation deliberately, don't say no one here warned you.

    Don't go near Zina.

    -if you are so desperate to talk to him, you need to involve family member from now on. Stop being alone with him, one thing will lead to another.

    You feel bad now, think how bad you will feel later on, your just getting closer and closer to losing dignity.

    - tell your parents you are interested in this man and that you would like them to look into it.

    Take it from there.

    If your boyfriend is serious about relationship, he will come to your family and have the courage to tell his parents.

    I'm sure he is capable of doing this, he doesn't need a wali so it's easier for him.



    We all make mistakes, I am glad you recognised this now, please don't go near Zina, don't be another sister who loses herself deliberately.

    Always involve your family. Never be alone with a man.

    if you both like each other marriage is more suitable than meeting up with one another and I hope ethnicity is not too much of a barrier.

    All the best
    Last edited by Ya'sin; 30-11-19, 04:27 PM.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      In short:

      TELL YOUR FAMILY to see their response
       I know it can be hard with backward families
       

      it will save you crying over him later on and the whispers of Satan  'what if this, what if that'
       
      'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

      So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

      Comment


      • #4
        Feelings, nothing more than feelings...I feel you are quite immature and just loving the drama of it all..that's how it comes across to me no offence intended.

        Feelings aside, it does not seem you have given much thought to what you want in a spouse and how you would like married life to be. Likewise find out his views on these things, and see if you both match in expectations. How would family pressures affect you both. It depends on your personalities. Find out as much as can to see if you both would be able to get through the ups and downs of married life etc. 

        As you are the one who keeps pursuing him it seems, I would say you need to examine your own relationship with your creator and what drives you to keep contacting this guy, meeting and hugging..I think until you resolve this you are making a rod for your own back be it with this guy or the next.
        Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

        None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
          In short:

          TELL YOUR FAMILY to see their response
           I know it can be hard with backward families
           

          it will save you crying over him later on and the whispers of Satan  'what if this, what if that'
           
          I read both of your replies. This was very hard to stomach. But I appreciate the time you took to respond and your advice. I do like him and he does mean a lot to me. Everything I’ve done is wrong in terms of what I’ve said and as you’ve said. Ethnicity is a huge obstacle and I think that’s why it’s so easy to continue this and so hard to pursue marriage. That’s not to say that doing what I have is okay - I know it’s not. I really appreciate your input. 

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
            Feelings, nothing more than feelings...I feel you are quite immature and just loving the drama of it all..that's how it comes across to me no offence intended.

            Feelings aside, it does not seem you have given much thought to what you want in a spouse and how you would like married life to be. Likewise find out his views on these things, and see if you both match in expectations. How would family pressures affect you both. It depends on your personalities. Find out as much as can to see if you both would be able to get through the ups and downs of married life etc. 

            As you are the one who keeps pursuing him it seems, I would say you need to examine your own relationship with your creator and what drives you to keep contacting this guy, meeting and hugging..I think until you resolve this you are making a rod for your own back be it with this guy or the next.
            I appreciate your response. I don’t love the drama of it all. This person means a lot to me. I’ll take what you’ve said on board, thank you. As for the last part you’ve written, I know the answer to that. I agree with you. I’ll try to resolve it. Again, much appreciated. 

            Comment


            • #7
              You can do istikhara for guidance.

              Comment


              • #8
                Your family won't accept him. His family won't accept you. 

                You both seem unsure about what you want. 

                I'd say block him, change your number and don't contact him again. 

                It doesn't seem like this will end well. 

                Comment

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