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Match with a divorcee who left her ex husband within 15 days.

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  • Match with a divorcee who left her ex husband within 15 days.

    Assalamu alaikum.
    I got in contact with a family via my relatives who's daughter is a divorcee and left the first marriage within 15 days. Their explanation was that on the day of the marriage and after that the husband's friends were trying to be very free with her but she is someone who has haya and wears hijab. So she couldn't fit into their family so she left her in laws place. Plus her brother in-law was a gangster.
               My mom outrightly rejected this girl saying that who comes back just after 15 days. Because women in our society have been trained to bear it with sabr etc. I said I don't deny the possibility of something fishy but if the reason is very dire then I don't see why the girl might come back in 15 days rather than have a kid and divorce say after 10 years. I haven't met the girl but I just want to have a discussion. And the girl should have seen the husband's family properly but my question is why do people don't approach with an open mind. Why people always assume the worst. What would a girl do if her husband doesn't read Salah and is adamant on it. Is it not justified to break the marriage sooner than later.?

  • #2
    Wa alaykum salam

    I think people would be cautious of such scenarios because marriage is not a joke & people should exercise due caution before getting married & divorcing after 2 weeks. Allahul Mustaa’aan.¬†
    The question which would arise in such a situation is how did she leave her husband? Did she ask for khula & he accepted or has she just left? Is the marriage over for sure? 

    Obviously, no sister wants to be married to a dayooth & one who allows his companions to mix freely with his wife but from what you’ve said, further questions would arise such as was the wedding segregated? If not why not? And if it was, how on earth did she come into close contact with her husbands friends? I was married for a long time & I never even seen who my husbands friends were ... so I fail to understand how the sister was put in a position whereby her husbands friends were trying to be very free with her.¬†

     
    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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    • #3
      Wa alaikum assalam

      The reason is cultural as you have mentioned.  A woman's place is to grin and bear it, to leave a marriage (regardless of the reasons) is to bring shame on her family.  It is completely against Islam.  If as you say she left for Islamic reasons then she is to be commended.  I will add that you don't really know a family and their dynamics until you live with them and it may then become very obvious that you are not compatible at all.  I have become aware of families who outwardly look very religious, women wear niqab, strict segregation etc but amongst themselves the women do not even wear hijab in front of the brother in laws and they mix freely.  It would come as a massive shock to a girl entering that family and I would see no reason for her to be looked down upon because she left the marriage.  

      I also know a brother who left the marriage after 10 days.  His family emotionally blackmailed him into it against his wishes, he left without consummating the marriage as he had no wish to be married to her in the first place.  Of course people talked about it but a man doing the same thing is not stigmatized in the way it is for the woman.

       

      Comment


      • #4
        Why'd she marry him in the first place? You can't tell me there weren't signs. I'd look into that.

        Comment


        • #5
          Mums and their sabr¬¬†¬¬†they might as well call it suicide or getting run over by a truck on purpose.

          Sabr in the auntie ideology means oppression and worshipping society with the subtle twisted version of religion 'Allah will hate you if you don't die with honour, under your husband's roof- which is better than divorce'.

          Sabr is standing upto injustice, facing trials and these stigmas that people, the 'society' have created to make the woman's life harder. It requires so much patience to ignore what people say and not following the crowd.

          It requires courage to get out of a bad relationship that is detrimental to your religion and mental health.

          You can't assume anything at this stage so you will have to investigate what happened. You can get a third party to communicate with someone that knows her ex husband.

          It's important to also hear it from the girl's family.

          It's not uncommon to find out the truth AFTER marriage.

          People worship riya, some are great actors when it comes to portraying themselves as religious. They will be known as this noble person in the community, wouldn't hurt a fly. At home, where no one can see him or her, that's where the Haram action takes place, or it could be anywhere discreet where people that do practice religion don't attend or witness such things. If they do witness it, perhaps they see it happening when passing by e.g seeing a muslim that's known for being practicing leaving a nightclub.¬¬†



          Most women know about the consequences of divorce (the stigma and judgement attached to it), they know it's not a game and that it is harder for the womenfolk to be respected afterwards. Therefore, it's not a joke knowing they will walk out of a marriage due to valid reasons. It's a big decision.


          You can do so much research but if it is written in your fate to be tested through marriage, nothing will stop that decree. This is to people who can't fathom that these things happen, unfortunately, there's only so much research you can do.

          On the other hand, people go into a marriages knowing that their spouses has this trait or that, e.g wife doesn't wear hijab and makes it clear she will do this out of her own will, so if the husband has this mentality that after marriage he will change her, that's his fault.

          Knowing and doing your very best to find out about a potential spouse are two different things. The latter is putting your trust in Allah after you have made effort, the former, you knew and still went ahead.

          Above all, finding out about the girl doesn't mean you are getting married to her. Take your time, research as much as you can and if you still have doubts then leave this proposal.

          Search her ex husband's name, if he is on social media and it's public, that could give clues. Unless he is really good at deception.

          ¬¬† ¬¬†
          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Makes me laugh

            'women in our society have been trained to have sabr'

            More like they are being trained to put society first and bow down to society
            ¬¬†And put the future of their offsprings at the mercy of their dayooth husbands.

            Cycle has to be broken, I congratulate the women who are courageous and have taqwa and tawaqqul in Allah.

            ‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚
             
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
              Why'd she marry him in the first place? You can't tell me there weren't signs. I'd look into that.
              Sometimes there aren't outward signs. Sometimes families go to such an effort to put on such an act that you think they are something completely different. She might have been coerced into the marriage in the first place. A lot of the time when something but is discovered the full story will never be known any way. I have dealt with cases where I have known the families for years and would never, ever have realised that there was a history of drug addiction, child sex abuse, porn addiction, domestic violence etc. In our communities (more than non Muslims) we go to great lengths to cover these things for the sake of reputation, even if it means our loved ones get hurt.

              Comment


              • #8
                There is a big difference between standing up to injustice and just being plain down arrogant.

                If the reason she walked out was her right to do so in shariah and within that 15 days she made an effort to stop the injustice against and she knew it will never ever stop than fine

                if men have to walk out on every injustice their wives commit their would no married women left

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Eijaz Koor View Post
                  There is a big difference between standing up to injustice and just being plain down arrogant.

                  If the reason she walked out was her right to do so in shariah and within that 15 days she made an effort to stop the injustice against and she knew it will never ever stop than fine

                  if men have to walk out on every injustice their wives commit their would no married women left
                  Brother this isn't a competitive sister v brothers who is more injust. Not one of us can say what the above issue is really about because we don't know the facts, the issue the OP presented is regarding the acceptability of considering this girl. In sharia there is nothing wrong with this, assuming she has completed her 'iddah, but of course in our community sadly they can be a lot of stigma.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Eijaz Koor View Post
                    There is a big difference between standing up to injustice and just being plain down arrogant.

                    If the reason she walked out was her right to do so in shariah and within that 15 days she made an effort to stop the injustice against and she knew it will never ever stop than fine

                    if men have to walk out on every injustice their wives commit their would no married women left

                    We are not talking about silly little issues that both genders can label as injustice. Arrogance is another big subject and I'm not sure why you brought that in the discussion.

                    Adults have to use their common sense when it comes to marital problems.

                    From what we can gather in the original post is that the husband's friends where trying to be 'free' with the girl. If this is true then immediately we know this is unacceptable and the husband's friends shouldn't be trying anything, they shouldn't even know what she looks like (ideally).¬¬†

                    If the husband was aware and still didn't do anything to change this, the wife can't continue to be in a place where this type of behaviour is acceptable.

                    if the wife made her husband aware of this and nothing changed immediately then this proves the husband is careless. She could mention it to in laws but from the post we can see that she couldn't fit in, I'm assuming due to religious differences.

                    ‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€it is upto the husband to provide a safe environment for his wife without non mahrams.



                    ¬¬†
                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      There's probably more to it but it is still pretty plausible.

                      Recently a family friend from backhome left her husband as her brother on law was inappropriate and lets say a bit too free with her. When she told her in laws her husband hit her and she took her kids and left and they divorced ....mind you this was after a good few years and 2 kids later and backhome where the divorce stigma is tenfold worse.

                      So I don't see why a woman who has no children with him and no emotional connection would not walk away.
                      Yeah it's a bit odd she didn't pick this stuff up before but people can put on a dam good act ...and again there is probably a bit more to it¬¬†

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
                        Assalamu alaikum.
                        I got in contact with a family via my relatives who's daughter is a divorcee and left the first marriage within 15 days. Their explanation was that on the day of the marriage and after that the husband's friends were trying to be very free with her but she is someone who has haya and wears hijab. So she couldn't fit into their family so she left her in laws place. Plus her brother in-law was a gangster.
                        ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ ¬ My mom outrightly rejected this girl saying that who comes back just after 15 days. Because women in our society have been trained to bear it with sabr etc. I said I don't deny the possibility of something fishy but if the reason is very dire then I don't see why the girl might come back in 15 days rather than have a kid and divorce say after 10 years. I haven't met the girl but I just want to have a discussion. And the girl should have seen the husband's family properly but my question is why do people don't approach with an open mind. Why people always assume the worst. What would a girl do if her husband doesn't read Salah and is adamant on it. Is it not justified to break the marriage sooner than later.?
                        I don’t see why your speaking about this sisters situation, you are no longer pursuing her. Therefore it’s not your issue. We should leave that which doesn’t concern us. If you were asking a general question then I would understand. But everyone is guessing and almost judging her situation with no knowledge with what actually happened. Maybe it’s just me but I find it a bit odd.

                        Well you say why don’t people approach with an open mind? Maybe ask your family that question since there the ones who rejected her rather than enquiring further. And they do have that right, but If you had a problem with that approach then you should have said something. Or enquire more about that person before making a decision, instead of wondering and making assumptions.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post


                          We are not talking about silly little issues that both genders can label as injustice. Arrogance is another big subject and I'm not sure why you brought that in the discussion.

                          Adults have to use their common sense when it comes to marital problems.

                          From what we can gather in the original post is that the husband's friends where trying to be 'free' with the girl. If this is true then immediately we know this is unacceptable and the husband's friends shouldn't be trying anything, they shouldn't even know what she looks like (ideally).¬¬

                          If the husband was aware and still didn't do anything to change this, the wife can't continue to be in a place where this type of behaviour is acceptable.

                          if the wife made her husband aware of this and nothing changed immediately then this proves the husband is careless. She could mention it to in laws but from the post we can see that she couldn't fit in, I'm assuming due to religious differences.

                          ‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€‹‚€it is upto the husband to provide a safe environment for his wife without non mahrams.



                          ¬¬
                          Whether you care to admit or not Allah has created a system a co-dependence in marriage

                          today we find many families will "save" their "innocent" as they or have wealth and she will told that she doesn't have to deal with the nonsense in the marriage

                          yes if her rights and modesty are at risk well done to her

                          i am referring to pettt issues in which the level of arrogance which is seen today guised as being independent women is revolting

                          i am not saying all women are this way but they seem to be on the rise.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post

                            Brother this isn't a competitive sister v brothers who is more injust. Not one of us can say what the above issue is really about because we don't know the facts, the issue the OP presented is regarding the acceptability of considering this girl. In sharia there is nothing wrong with this, assuming she has completed her 'iddah, but of course in our community sadly they can be a lot of stigma.
                            Did I mention if the reason is withinf shariah??

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                              I don’t see why your speaking about this sisters situation, you are no longer pursuing her. Therefore it’s not your issue. We should leave that which doesn’t concern us. If you were asking a general question then I would understand. But everyone is guessing and almost judging her situation with no knowledge with what actually happened. Maybe it’s just me but I find it a bit odd.

                              Well you say why don’t people approach with an open mind? Maybe ask your family that question since there the ones who rejected her rather than enquiring further. And they do have that right, but If you had a problem with that approach then you should have said something. Or enquire more about that person before making a decision, instead of wondering and making assumptions.
                              My mum has outright rejected her but I haven't. I think the decision is mine to make. I told her that I need more info. Obviously I cannot judge people like that. I think from shariah point it's perfectly justified ... Culturally ... If a woman is assertive they think she will be very dominating and will command over the son and steal him away. I think being submissive to your husband is also a form of assertiveness ... If it is willingly done and if there is trust in the relationship. We must always be assertive when it comes to the commands of Allah. I told my mom that I want to meet this girl and give her an unbiased chance. Their family members (girl included) read tahajjud and I am looking at the future mother of my child.   People can't comprehend why someone would leave in 15 days. I asked my family members if your daughter were to newly married to someone who doesn't read Salah at all. Would you allow your daughter to leave ... Like she might try to explain to him for a while but if he is adamant then she has every right to take khula sooner than later.      When I explained this to them .... my family thought I am becoming extremist ... I am like leaving Salah is one of the biggest sins after shirk. They speak things like only her dead body will return.
                              Women in my family suffer from inferiority complex and then they wonder why. 

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