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  • My husband is abusive and keeps divorcing me

    Salaamalaykum

    To give a bit of background, I am a revert sister and had a toxic relationship with my mother growing up. After I reverted I married fairly soon afterwards and allah knows my intentions but I chose to marry someone pious. My husband, Didn’t have a good job, a car or anything but I believed his deen was good and I married him. All I wanted was to live not happily but fairly peacefully as living under my mothers roof I would be subject to abuse both physical and verbal on a consistent basis

    I married and to my absolute surprise my husband was also very very abusive and la hawla wa la quwwata the exact despicable words my mother use to say to me, he would also call me. He would swear at me using such vile words for minor reasons. I would always remain silent because as a revert, I know how it is to live in a abusive household and I know in Islam you should respect the husband. My husband seeing that he could get away with abusing me verbally and I wouldn’t swear back or tell anyone slowly slowly started getting psychical with me too. By the way, he would always run to his other every time we had a dispute. But there was nobody in my side chastising him

    Despite everything; I would always try and make effort with my husband. It became quiet clear that he was not interested in having a wife but more interested in his desires. I always use to say to him please can we speak about our marriage I am not happy and he would smirk and say so? I’m happy and the marriage is fine

    Soon after having children he started saying ‘I divorce you’ after minor arguments. The first time he did it I was so sad and upset and cried the whole night. The next morning I had to have a scan for my baby (I was pregnant) but I was sick with anxiety all night. In the morning nothing seemed to bother him and it appeared as though he did it to scare me. Little did I know that he would continue to do this. I’ve lost count of the number of times he has divorced me but each time no iddah took place as he said the divorces don’t count as he didn’t intend it
    my issue here is, I didn’t realise how serious this matter is? I did know that divorce is 3x max so when he said it the third time i told him but he laughed in my face and said don’t worry we are married. I believed him

    its only recently when I spoke to a shaikh about our problems because I was i having doubts about the deen that he was very concerned about my marriage and told me how serious my condition is and advised me to get my husband to call him but my husband has refused to do so. I really want advise please. I’ve been advised by the shaikh that if my husband doesn’t take the matter seriously of divorce I can leave him but this surely does not seem correct? I seriously don’t know what to do.


  • #2
    Originally posted by Habiba2019 View Post
    Salaamalaykum

    To give a bit of background, I am a revert sister and had a toxic relationship with my mother growing up. After I reverted I married fairly soon afterwards and allah knows my intentions but I chose to marry someone pious. My husband, Didn’t have a good job, a car or anything but I believed his deen was good and I married him. All I wanted was to live not happily but fairly peacefully as living under my mothers roof I would be subject to abuse both physical and verbal on a consistent basis

    I married and to my absolute surprise my husband was also very very abusive and la hawla wa la quwwata the exact despicable words my mother use to say to me, he would also call me. He would swear at me using such vile words for minor reasons. I would always remain silent because as a revert, I know how it is to live in a abusive household and I know in Islam you should respect the husband. My husband seeing that he could get away with abusing me verbally and I wouldn’t swear back or tell anyone slowly slowly started getting psychical with me too. By the way, he would always run to his other every time we had a dispute. But there was nobody in my side chastising him

    Despite everything; I would always try and make effort with my husband. It became quiet clear that he was not interested in having a wife but more interested in his desires. I always use to say to him please can we speak about our marriage I am not happy and he would smirk and say so? I’m happy and the marriage is fine

    Soon after having children he started saying ‘I divorce you’ after minor arguments. The first time he did it I was so sad and upset and cried the whole night. The next morning I had to have a scan for my baby (I was pregnant) but I was sick with anxiety all night. In the morning nothing seemed to bother him and it appeared as though he did it to scare me. Little did I know that he would continue to do this. I’ve lost count of the number of times he has divorced me but each time no iddah took place as he said the divorces don’t count as he didn’t intend it
    my issue here is, I didn’t realise how serious this matter is? I did know that divorce is 3x max so when he said it the third time i told him but he laughed in my face and said don’t worry we are married. I believed him

    its only recently when I spoke to a shaikh about our problems because I was i having doubts about the deen that he was very concerned about my marriage and told me how serious my condition is and advised me to get my husband to call him but my husband has refused to do so. I really want advise please. I’ve been advised by the shaikh that if my husband doesn’t take the matter seriously of divorce I can leave him but this surely does not seem correct? I seriously don’t know what to do.
    Wa-Alaikum Salaam

    Sorry to hear about your condition. Know well that you will be paid in full for your hardship.

    As for the divorce there some ways that could mean not divorce like "get out of here" etc etc.

    I fail to understand how saying I divorce means something else.

    To my understanding you are no longer married sister.

    Comment


    • #3
      I also wish to add that for a good couple of years every time my husband was abusive verbally and pyhsically to me I would not do anything. Not answer back or tell anybody. But after a while he got bad for example one time he was moving a box when we were moving house to our apartment and in the hallway of the apartment he pushed me and I fell and went flying. It wasn’t a normal push it was with such force that not only did I drop I literally flew across the room. It was all caught in cctv and the security guard of the building (who wasn’t there at time) would always look at me with a sad face and I know he saw it on camera

      so after these incident I lost patience too and I couldn’t be quiet anymore and know all he says to me is that I’m a bad wife. I can’t say I am perfect in this marriage because I am not as soemthing happens to me when he abuses me. I am very very sensitive. I also only got help recently as I started doubting Islam and I almost left the religion. I can’t blame him but I was just fed up of everything and wanted to go back to my old life. My husband seen me slipping in the religion and uses it against me saying I am a shaitana and what have you but hasn’t supported me at all

      Comment


      • #4
        I am not sure what I am asking advice about. My husband says divorcing without intentions isn’t a real divorce is this correct? I don’t have anywhere to go, I don’t work, I don’t have family to turn to so I’m very upset with what the shaikh told me so I am just here to see if it’s correct or not? I only went to the shaikh because I started slowly turning to my old life and when he questioned me to see what triggered it he was concerned about my marriage.¬†

        Comment


        • #5
          Eijaz - Koor - I dont understand what I am supposed to do because if I am not married doesn’t my husband have to agree to it because he doesn’t agree. It doesn’t seem right that i just leave because of words said to me that he doesn’t mean¬†

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Habiba2019 View Post
            Eijaz - Koor - I dont understand what I am supposed to do because if I am not married doesn’t my husband have to agree to it because he doesn’t agree. It doesn’t seem right that i just leave because of words said to me that he doesn’t mean¬
            I cant understand how you divorce someone and say the words and not mean it.

            To my mind you are divorced and stay there means you are living in zina.

            Abuse on both parts are not allowed and I don't believe that verbal is better than physical they are all wrong.

            Beside the point even if you could fix that your marriage ended when he divorced you the third term sadly.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Habiba2019 View Post
              Eijaz - Koor - I dont understand what I am supposed to do because if I am not married doesn’t my husband have to agree to it because he doesn’t agree. It doesn’t seem right that i just leave because of words said to me that he doesn’t mean¬
              If the Shaikh cant get hold of him to iron this out and you cant live in Limbo - you should apply for an annulment and get your life back on track.

              Islam has given men the right to talaaq however we don't have the right to keep woman in limbo.

              Comment


              • #8
                It can be said to not mean a divorce if he said it to scare me or threaten me which he did... he said to me actions are by intentions and he didn’t intend it so I shouldn’t look into this. But at the same time the shaikhs advice got me scared. My husband says there’s differences in opinion and I just don’t understand This whole thing it’s confusing me. I know my husband did not mean for a divorce when he said the words to me¬†

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Habiba2019 View Post
                  It can be said to not mean a divorce if he said it to scare me or threaten me which he did... he said to me actions are by intentions and he didn’t intend it so I shouldn’t look into this. But at the same time the shaikhs advice got me scared. My husband says there’s differences in opinion and I just don’t understand This whole thing it’s confusing me. I know my husband did not mean for a divorce when he said the words to me¬
                  did he say I will divorce you or I divorce you??

                  It is for this reason a man must endure his wife consumating with another man after three talaaqs its not a play thing

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                  • #10
                    He did say ‘I divorce you’ not I will divorce you and on a few occasions he said I am going to leave you and on other occasions he said soon you will be all alone¬†

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      (We get similar sickening accounts on here from time to time. With children and now what looks to be a case of someone living in Zinaa. What can you say... Can only make du'aa that the ones perpetrating the evil are taught a very strern lesson by Allah Ta'aalaa and that the victims are granted better.

                      I can't remember the last time I heard someone speak out about these kinds of things in a masjid or in a khutbah.)
                      LAA ILAAHA ILLALLAAH
                      -------------------------------------

                      ​​​​​NOTE: Please kindly avoid 'liking' my posts (Jazaa'akumullah khair)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Habiba2019 View Post
                        He did say ‘I divorce you’ not I will divorce you and on a few occasions he said I am going to leave you and on other occasions he said soon you will be all alone¬
                        That

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Sister you're divorced now and it's probably for the best because it's not like he's a keeper or anything.  Stop believing anything your husband says.  The Islamic texts say expressing the talaaq counts even if it's said in a fit of rage.  If he doesn't want to divorce you then he shouldn't say he divorces you.  One thing's for sure, he wont go to the shaikh and he wont admit that he's divorced you.  It's most likely he said the divorce as a means to threaten and control you but didn't expect you to open up and expose his misdeeds to someone else because you'd been quietly accepting his behaviour for so long.  

                          You really need to find a way out of there.  If you don't have extended family support then find out if there's a women's refuge with a place.  Don't tell him you're leaving and don't threaten to leave the marriage, just leave as soon as you find a place to go and take the kids with you.  If you have trusted friends then tell them what's going on and ditch anyone who tells you to stay in the marriage "for the kids".  Honestly you should've left the marriage as soon as you found out he was abusive, but I presume you were new to Islam and didn't understand your rights.  I warn every new revert I know to not rush into marriage straight away, take some time to learn about Islam first and learn what rights and responsibilities it entails.  It's a good sign that you took the time out to find a shaikh yourself and realise your husband has been lying to you all this time in order to keep you under his control.  Sadly there are a lot of men out there who are predators and their favourite prey are women who don't understand Islam well enough to challenge them and come from revert backgrounds so they have little to no community or family support to back them up.
                          The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It’s very easy to say to leave him but where would I go plus does it matter if the last time he said I divorce you was ages ago because he’s stopped saying it now and instead says things like I will leave you, etc.¬†

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I am greatly pained reading this post. Sister you need to find support in the community. There is a YouTube channel called honest tea talk which is by a revert sister just like you. Reach out to her. Once you get support from the community leave the guy. Why? Because he's already divorced you more than 3 times. You are no longer his wife. Atleast from my understanding. 

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