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  • Would anyone want to marry me after divorce

    Salaam alaykum,

    I am 36 years old and I have children. I'm currently in a toxic marriage. I have been married for about 13 years. It seems like this marriage will soon end.

    I am very loving person and I would like to remarry one day. I am educated with diplomas and a degree and I follow the Quran and Sunnah, since I was in my late teens, alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah I look very young for my age.

    My concern is, would anyone even want to marry a divorce women with kids in her mid 30s? And I have decided not to have anymore children.

    I mostly want a husband for companionship and I also feel like I have a lot of love to give. I also have very strong desires, so I fear of falling into sin.

    At times I feel like I should just stay in this toxic marriage because I feel that no one else would even want me.

    Originally, I was thinking not to get remarried and just build my career and raise my kids, but recently I was thinking I wonder what it feels like to be in a good marriage that is not toxic.

    I am also not social, so I don't even know how I would find another husband. I don't speak or engage with the opposite gender at all, and I don't really have friends to find someone for me anyway.

    I do tell myself it's okay, I'll get my dream husband in paradise inshallah!

    There is also the threat that my husband will take away my kids if I remarry.

    What are your thoughts?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post
    Salaam alaykum,

    I am 36 years old and I have children. I'm currently in a toxic marriage. I have been married for about 13 years. It seems like this marriage will soon end.

    I am very loving person and I would like to remarry one day. I am educated with diplomas and a degree and I follow the Quran and Sunnah, since I was in my late teens, alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah I look very young for my age.

    My concern is, would anyone even want to marry a divorce women with kids in her mid 30s? And I have decided not to have anymore children.

    I mostly want a husband for companionship and I also feel like I have a lot of love to give. I also have very strong desires, so I fear of falling into sin.

    At times I feel like I should just stay in this toxic marriage because I feel that no one else would even want me.

    Originally, I was thinking not to get remarried and just build my career and raise my kids, but recently I was thinking I wonder what it feels like to be in a good marriage that is not toxic.

    I am also not social, so I don't even know how I would find another husband. I don't speak or engage with the opposite gender at all, and I don't really have friends to find someone for me anyway.

    I do tell myself it's okay, I'll get my dream husband in paradise inshallah!

    There is also the threat that my husband will take away my kids if I remarry.

    What are your thoughts?
    Waalaykumassalam warahmatullah wabarakatu

    Everything is possible with Dua and tawakkul. If your relationship with Allah is good, then He will provide from places you couldn't even imagine. There's lots of women like you who have remarried.

    You will likely be considering men around your age who are also divorced and may have their own kids. Also you may have to resort to online sites, if asking your relatives, friends, and the masjid is not enough. If you're open to polygamy it would be much easier in shaa Allah.

    With that being said, hopefully all avenues toward fixing your marriage have been explored.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post
      Salaam alaykum,

      I am 36 years old and I have children. I'm currently in a toxic marriage. I have been married for about 13 years. It seems like this marriage will soon end.

      I am very loving person and I would like to remarry one day. I am educated with diplomas and a degree and I follow the Quran and Sunnah, since I was in my late teens, alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah I look very young for my age.

      My concern is, would anyone even want to marry a divorce women with kids in her mid 30s? And I have decided not to have anymore children.

      I mostly want a husband for companionship and I also feel like I have a lot of love to give. I also have very strong desires, so I fear of falling into sin.

      At times I feel like I should just stay in this toxic marriage because I feel that no one else would even want me.

      Originally, I was thinking not to get remarried and just build my career and raise my kids, but recently I was thinking I wonder what it feels like to be in a good marriage that is not toxic.

      I am also not social, so I don't even know how I would find another husband. I don't speak or engage with the opposite gender at all, and I don't really have friends to find someone for me anyway.

      I do tell myself it's okay, I'll get my dream husband in paradise inshallah!

      There is also the threat that my husband will take away my kids if I remarry.

      What are your thoughts?
      Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu¬¬†

      Sister, if you are currently in a toxic marriage, in the event of a divorce you would firstly have to heal before even considering re marriage. If your situation is bad enough to warrant a divorce & you know best your affairs, then seek guidance from Allah through istikaarah & make a decision which is best for you and your eman. ¬¬¬†Don’t be hasty sister & ensure before any divorce takes place that the correct steps have firstly been taken (ie seeking a mediator, marriage counselling, and if a divorce does take place it takes place as per the sunnah so that there is a chance of reconciliation)

      If you are young, divorced with kids and are practising, the only thing I can say is that you may actually find that instead of being in a situation where nobody wants to marry you, you find that you get a lot of interest from brothers. This is a massive fitna within itself as the sad reality is that many, many brothers prey on vulnerable divorced women. There’s actually a lot of brothers out there who are seeking divorcees with children but their intentions are not correct.¬¬¬†

      Based on what you’ve said, not wanting children & wanting a man for companionship, you may want to consider polygamy as I believe this would have huge benefits for yourself. Again, you’d have to very careful though as brothers do abuse this as well.

      Whilst it’s definitely not difficult to re marry as a divorcee ¬¬¬†with children, your qadr could be that you don’t re marry or that you have another divorce or that you marry and end up in another toxic marriage. So you really really need to weigh up the pros & cons of your current marriage, seek help from elders & seek the guidance of Allah subhanahu wa ta aala¬¬¬†
      Last edited by Layla_; 19-11-19, 06:26 AM.
      https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Wa-Alaikum Salaam

        How about giving all this love you have to give to your current husband instead of wondering ho you can give it elsewhere.

        Maybe this will help improve your situation?

        I am saying who is wrong and right but, think about it. If it's hard could be harder with kids in another marriage which will take more effort

        make this effort with what you have now

        May Allah remove all your problems... Ameen

        Comment


        • #5
          Yes Layla I have thought about the outcomes of another marriage. And actually I'm so tired of always thinking about things so logically and carefully. I'm thinking who cares if the next marriage doesn't work out, why not give it a chance. It's only dunya anyways, it's not a big deal. Because the real me, would never ever remarry if I think through things carefully and logically. But I'm actually a really good wife and I feel that I can make a practicing man really happy. So, why not? Although, my expectations are now very high.

          EIJAZ, i have worked on this marriage and I am currently still kind of working on it, although I am about to most likely ask for a divorce because my husband would never divorce me. Why would he? He knows I am the ideal wife, the perfect mother for his kids, most loving daughter in law, and that he loves my family. So, yeah he would never divorce me, that's why he keeps running right back to me every single time we separate.

          He is a good guy. The world loves him. He is handsome. He prays, Quran, fasts, looks, talks, and dresses like Sunnah, does his responsibilities, loves his children, well mannered, my family loves and respects him beyond measure. He of course has minor problems, but nothing I can't live with.

          So, what's the issue. I discovered he has some secrets that are grounds for divorce. He has issues that have now broken this marriage apart. And even though I have found he basically is major lier and has these major issues that are sinful, I tried to give him a chance and to work it out....about 5 chances now. And still he hasn't changed.

          The thing is he is, he really is good at lying, so it seems like he has changed, but unfortunately I keep rediscovering the same things over and over again.

          We have involved family. He promises them and me the sun and the moon, but after a few days, he starts again.
          ​​​​​​
          Our recent separation was heartbreaking. Because this time I thought it was for good, so I told the children. Who had no clue what was going on. We are very well mannered couple and have shown nothing but love in front of our kids, so they were shocked. They broke down, they cried for their father, they thought their lives was over. Both my husband and I couldn't handle this. Plus my husband himself became extremely depressed, couldn't eat or sleep. So, I took him back again (like the 4th time). He said he would change, promised the sun and the moon. This time I thought it would be different because the kids have now been involved. But no, after 5 days he has returned to doing exactly the things that are breaking this marriage.

          There comes a point where I have to care for my mental health and well-being. Yes, I love him and all that he does. And I think he loves me and the kids. Although I don't trust anything he says or does anymore. And he knows he has completely lost my trust.

          Otherwise, our marriage is goods. We work hard and well together. We raised really good kids. We build a beautiful home together. We are actually very loving and very close and our families love each other. But unfortunately his secrets have been exposed to me by Allah because I would have never known otherwise. Some times I feel that Allah is looking out for me and he keeps exposing him to me. Alhamdulillah I have a strong connection with Allah, and I only married my husband for the sake of Allah, and I'm more than willing to leave him for the sake of Allah.

          So, yeah I have tried to pour all my love into my marriage, and his family knows it to. They don't want to lose me as their daughter in law. His mother says it every time that she loves me more than her own children. But her son is messed up. Sad, but true and he won't get anyone's help.

          At moment I'm not talking to him. I wrote him a looong letter, telling him exactly how I feel and what he needs to do. I told him I need him to come to me and speak to me honestly about his problems. But he hasn't. He wants to ignore it and move on. Unfortunately, I can't. So, I have stopped all interactions with him, only if I need to speak I will speak, otherwise I just do my own thing. Doing this is not good because he will just go back to his problems. Unfortunately he depends on my love and kindness a lot, so he is starting to get lonely and depressed.

          My marriage is toxic and I know I need to get out, or live with him and his toxic issues forever. If another sister told me this was her problem. I would tell her to run and run far and never look back. I have tried to do that, but he keeps coming right back begging for another chance. If it wasn't for the kids, I would have. Actually the first time I found out his secret live, I was about to walk away, but family and friends convinced me to stay. I listened, stupid me. Those things were dealbreaks, but I listened and stayed.

          Enough is enough. We love each other a lot. Love is not the problem here, it's bigger than that. Unfortunately, it's because I love him, that I have to leave him.

          My husband is well known in the community and is highly respected both from Muslims and non-muslims. He will never seek help or go to counseling.

          I feel that I can never trust another man again, but still I was thinking why not remarry

          Comment


          • #6
            I'm not sure you should be entertaining the idea of marriage to someone else if you are already married. 


            Whatever this issue is with your husband - hopefully you can work on it and give him more time to rectify his actions. 


             

            Comment


            • #7
              Well when you're marriage is about to end, you entrain a lot of thoughts. As a woman, one of them is the possibility of remarriage. Actually, this one of the major indicators that your marriage might be done.

              Of course, I won't remarry right away. I'll take 2 years to heal and rediscover things. But I'm a person of Quran and Sunnah, and I want to move on after this, not dwell on it.

              I came here to inquire about, what the possibility is of me actually finding a man who would want a divorced woman with kids.

              I thought about polygamy, but I wouldn't want to cause any heartbreak or stress for the first wife. So unfortunately, that's not an option for me.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post
                Well when you're marriage is about to end, you entrain a lot of thoughts. As a woman, one of them is the possibility of remarriage. Actually, this one of the major indicators that your marriage might be done.

                Of course, I won't remarry right away. I'll take 2 years to heal and rediscover things. But I'm a person of Quran and Sunnah, and I want to move on after this, not dwell on it.

                I came here to inquire about, what the possibility is of me actually finding a man who would want a divorced woman with kids.

                I thought about polygamy, but I wouldn't want to cause any heartbreak or stress for the first wife. So unfortunately, that's not an option for me.
                If you are as perfect as you say you are - then you shouldn't have a problem finding someone. 


                 

                Comment


                • #9
                  May Allah swt bless you with a good man who will respect you, be the coolness of your eyes and make the marriage a success.Ameen

                  I have seen CVs of older sisters or divorced sisters having to explain themselves regarding age and education, for example,¬¬† 'people say I look 20 even though I'm fourty'

                  Why?¬¬†

                  The older men don't do this, why are sisters selling themselves like this? I find it upsetting that they have to say things like that.

                  a man that is open minded to different ages won't care as long as he likes you and is attracted to you. One that things you're old won't care if you look young or not, for him, 30 will be old regardless of how young you look (just an example age).¬¬† I just think it is too desperate and showing men you are desperate is always a bad thing.

                  Just my opinion.¬¬†
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Like they say there's plenty of fish in the sea 

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Assalamu alaikum sister.
                      1. You've been respectful enough to your husband that you haven't even told what those marriage breaking secrets are on an anonymous forum. So I'll give you props for that. You have good character and patience.
                      2. You've given him a lot of chances now but your kids are heartbroken on hearing the separation thing. It seems your husband is addicted to whatever that secret is and he needs rehabilitation. Because it's consumed him so much that he feels guilt but ends up doing the same thing again. It's an addiction pattern.
                      You have 2 ways ..... Leave him forever and move on or help your husband get over whatever issue he has. Addiction comes with a lot of lying. This is guaranteed. Whether it's alcohol addiction or addiction to porn or zona or gambling or anything. There is always too much lying involved to cover up the guilt. I've been a video game addict before and I used to lie a lot. I've done a lot of research about addictions in general and the whole dopamine feedback cycle in the brain. Addictions can be broken. The person with Allah's help can conquer any addiction but it's all on that person.
                            Wish you best of luck sister.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Indefinable Of course I'm not perfect, but I have confidence that I'm doing well as a wife. Of course I have shortcomings. But I know I have gone over and beyond what I could do for my husband as his wife. The problem is him, and he even admits that.

                        Anyways, getting remarried as nothing to do with me being perfect or not. What I am concerned about is being divorced and with kids at my age, and the fact that I want no more children. Would any man accept that reality?

                        I'm sorry, but often times the wife is blamed for everything, even her husband's shortcomings. As wifes, we are told be patient, but if I was doing what he is, everyone would have said leave her. Sad, but true. Even himself he admits, he would not deal with it very well. I'm dealing with it because I have kids with him, if not I would have walked away sooner.

                        ​​​​​​​@Ya'sin...I am actually concerned about "looking young" because society and many man care about it. And that's a fact. That's why some women are into looking young. It's just the way it is, man are visual and are naturally inclined to young looking women. I'm not supporting it or anything, and I'm happy with myself, alhamdulillah.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Anisa35 View Post

                          Anyways, getting remarried as nothing to do with me being perfect or not. What I am concerned about is being divorced and with kids at my age, and the fact that I want no more children. Would any man accept that reality?
                          You'll likely find better success marrying a divorced man who already has children, as they'll be in a similar situation to you and understand what you've been through and they too don't want any more children.

                          However, you should put this plan on hold and decide to move on or try to work it out. Don't worry about marrying again until you are stable with your kids and after you've passed your iddah period.
                          Pray. Fast. Zakat. Pilgrimage. Allah.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
                            Assalamu alaikum sister.
                            1. You've been respectful enough to your husband that you haven't even told what those marriage breaking secrets are on an anonymous forum. So I'll give you props for that. You have good character and patience.
                            2. You've given him a lot of chances now but your kids are heartbroken on hearing the separation thing. It seems your husband is addicted to whatever that secret is and he needs rehabilitation. Because it's consumed him so much that he feels guilt but ends up doing the same thing again. It's an addiction pattern.
                            You have 2 ways ..... Leave him forever and move on or help your husband get over whatever issue he has. Addiction comes with a lot of lying. This is guaranteed. Whether it's alcohol addiction or addiction to porn or zona or gambling or anything. There is always too much lying involved to cover up the guilt. I've been a video game addict before and I used to lie a lot. I've done a lot of research about addictions in general and the whole dopamine feedback cycle in the brain. Addictions can be broken. The person with Allah's help can conquer any addiction but it's all on that person.
                            ¬ ¬ ¬ Wish you best of luck sister.
                            I have not shared his problems with anyone and I don't plan to. Family knows we are having issue and he has done something, but I haven't exposed him, and I don't plan to.

                            Yes, I do have those two options. At this moment, I'm trying option 2, but it's getting too toxic for me. So I'll wait a few days and if nothing happens to change the situation (which I doubt, but you never know) then I'll have another meeting with the family, and if nothing changes after that, I'll move on and never look back.

                            It is sad because he loves his family, but I won't allow him to live two lives.

                            The thing is, I can't change him or the situation. I'm just here for support and for him to fix his problem. Some people say, the person has to hit rock bottom before they change for the better, but he has hit there a few times already. Alhamdulillah, I do have to admit one of his issues seems to have stopped (but who knows), but the other one is more painful and hurtful and is currently going on. Although, I have not followed up on it for the pass few days, since I'm doing the silent treatment (hoping maybe this will help a little, when he sees he is slowly losing me). But, like you mentioned it's all on the person.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Al-Mualim View Post
                              You'll likely find better success marrying a divorced man who already has children, as they'll be in a similar situation to you and understand what you've been through and they too don't want any more children.

                              However, you should put this plan on hold and decide to move on or try to work it out. Don't worry about marrying again until you are stable with your kids and after you've passed your iddah period.
                              Yes, I could marry a divorced man. And you're right, I shouldn't worry too much, but this has been on my mind. Mainly because I'm thinking if I can't remarry then maybe I should just stay in my toxic marriage. So, I'm thinking about it because it will help me in making my decision now, weather to divorce or not.

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