strengthening a weak marriage

[fa697]

salaam,
i'm going through some marital issues at the moment . i have been married 8 years and have kids.
at the moment am not living with her.
she's telling me to really think deeply about this relationship and what i actually want.
we've always had problems right from the very beginning and shes caught me talking to other girls.
im not really in love with her and come to realise shes not my type. but we have got on somewhat.
its just a vicious cycle were we get on with it then the arguments start again. she says i dont feel the pain of the issues ive caused.

i dont find her attractive anymore and i used to chase other girls
i feel like i should give it another shot as we got kids.
im just not sure if it will ever work as it hasnt after all these years and hardly ever been stable.

[shehbazthakur]

You say you are not attracted to her anymore. But you were attracted to her initially because you chose to marry her. Can you explain why?
Shes not your type? What type is she and what type are you? There could be many reasons why you are not attracted to her so I would want to know why.
Do you argue a lot. Obviously the fact that you were with other girls wouldav hurt her and the relationship is not the same anymore.

[Eijaz Koor]

salaam,
i'm going through some marital issues at the moment . i have been married 8 years and have kids.
at the moment am not living with her.
she's telling me to really think deeply about this relationship and what i actually want.
we've always had problems right from the very beginning and shes caught me talking to other girls.
im not really in love with her and come to realise shes not my type. but we have got on somewhat.
its just a vicious cycle were we get on with it then the arguments start again. she says i dont feel the pain of the issues ive caused.

i dont find her attractive anymore and i used to chase other girls
i feel like i should give it another shot as we got kids.
im just not sure if it will ever work as it hasnt after all these years and hardly ever been stable.

Wslm

You may not be finding her attractive because you are angry with her.

There was a time when you had those kids when she was your type etc etc.

[aelmo]

Think about your children. They need their parents to be in a stable relationship. You have no idea how troubled some children can get when their parents get divorced.

But be aware that if your going to stay with your wife then you cant be fighting all the time. Children shouldn’t live in a hostile home environment either. You need to really think about what will do less damage, staying together or separating.

Things are so much more complicated when children are involved. Sometimes it isn’t about what you want, its about what you need to do or put up with for your family.

[fa697]

You say you are not attracted to her anymore. But you were attracted to her initially because you chose to marry her. Can you explain why?
Shes not your type? What type is she and what type are you? There could be many reasons why you are not attracted to her so I would want to know why.
Do you argue a lot. Obviously the fact that you were with other girls wouldav hurt her and the relationship is not the same anymore.

well it was an arranged marriage and i was attracted to her then somewhat. even then i wanted to pull out but engagement was already done and i didnt have the courage.
yes we argue a lot but we have got on with it all these years but that doesnt make it right. its been very toxic and stressful it shouldnt be like that.
ive always looked elsewhere if u know what i mean i guess that hasnt helped in fact probably root cause.

[fa697]

Think about your children. They need their parents to be in a stable relationship. You have no idea how troubled some children can get when their parents get divorced.

But be aware that if your going to stay with your wife then you cant be fighting all the time. Children shouldn’t live in a hostile home environment either. You need to really think about what will do less damage, staying together or separating.

Things are so much more complicated when children are involved. Sometimes it isn’t about what you want, its about what you need to do or put up with for your family.

thank you sister your spot on. i just feel drained after all these years. trying to fill a void.
i dont want to separate but the question that cant leave my mind is if it hasnt worked all these years is there still a chance it can or not?!

[Ya'sin]

Disgraceful.

You should be ashamed of yourself behaving like this, a father and a husband.

Acting like some hormonal and disturbed teen who didn't have parents to teach him.

I would punch you if I was her brother. Or spit at you. 

Would you have liked it if she was behaving like a slut, chasing after other men?

Where is your dignity and izzath?

Do you even acknowledge what wrong you have done? You are so casually saying she is not your type.

Men like you will never be satisfied, and never find a type because of your nature. You have no self respect, chasing after anything with two legs and eye lashes. 

First things first. Repent for your shameless behaviour, do you want to be a scumbag or do you want to be a better role model for your children?

What about religion? Does that matter to you or not?

Sort your self out, you have serious problems. 

I hardly say this but man up. 

Listen to her problems, RECTIFY them, put EFFORT in, be kind to her and respect her. She is your wife. Not your cattle for you to dump her when you aren't entertained.



 

[Ya'sin]

thank you sister your spot on. i just feel drained after all these years. trying to fill a void.
i dont want to separate but the question that cant leave my mind is if it hasnt worked all these years is there still a chance it can or not?!

What have you offered your wife and children?

Your wife has been patient with your infidelity for eight years.

She has shown you mercy and given you a chance.

It is your fault so take heed and change yourself for your own benefit.

Start with apologising and beg for forgiveness.

Repent for your sins.

Renew your intentions.

Guard your chastity, lower your gaze and be loyal.

Have hayaa.

Understand your role as the husband and father.

Respect yourself, your body will witness against you on the day of judgement.

Respect the mother of your children. She carried them while you were being an infidel.

Appreciate her and understand why she is angry.

Seek professional help to aid you start a new journey together and see how it goes. 

or you can rot with the women you chase.

Upto you. 

[Ya'sin]

Turn to religion. Find Allah, you are lost and fortunately for all of us, Allah is the Most Merciful and forgiving. 

That is the empty void in your life. Read the Quran, when was the last time you wept thinking about your sins?

Or are you too focused on your wife's anger? Look at yourself and how you ruined your married with your own hands. 

Chasing after different skanks will never, never satisfy you, take my word and many have been there and they ended up being losers for life. 

Ask Allah for guidance, read about the sahabas, the prophets peace be upon them all.

Take pride in being a husband and father.

People are struggling to find a spouse or have children. You have been blessed with both, count your blessings and stop being selfish.

Look after your family, you are the main
 You need to be the good role model your children will look upto.

Don't be a waste man. 

 

[aelmo]

thank you sister your spot on. i just feel drained after all these years. trying to fill a void.
i dont want to separate but the question that cant leave my mind is if it hasnt worked all these years is there still a chance it can or not?!

Take some initiative and change to be a person that your wife and children can be proud of. That’s not going to happen if you are speaking to other women in a casual manner. Your wife has put up with with your mistakes, i am assuming for the sake of your family, so you should do the same. Like Yasin said, you need to get more in touch with your religion. These issues would not have even happened if you had that from the beginning. Put the work in and genuinely change and inshallah things will work out. if your not willing to do that then every other relationship you have is going to fail for the same reason. Change for the family you already have not for someone else. But If your not going to step up then don't drag them.

[Mintchocchip]

salaam,
i'm going through some marital issues at the moment . i have been married 8 years and have kids.
at the moment am not living with her.
she's telling me to really think deeply about this relationship and what i actually want.
we've always had problems right from the very beginning and shes caught me talking to other girls.
im not really in love with her and come to realise shes not my type. but we have got on somewhat.
its just a vicious cycle were we get on with it then the arguments start again. she says i dont feel the pain of the issues ive caused.
i dont find her attractive anymore and i used to chase other girls
i feel like i should give it another shot as we got kids.
im just not sure if it will ever work as it hasnt after all these years and hardly ever been stable.

Walaikum asalaam

I hope you have stopped talking to other girls.

What does your wife want? Does she want to give the marriage another go?

You said you don't find her attractive anymore, so there was a time that you were attracted to her. What has changed? Know that womans body changes after childbirth.

All couples have their ups and downs. What will you do next time you get married and have arguments. Find ways to deal with the arguments and you don't want to be arguing infront of your children.

You know your wife, if she doesn't stress you about usless material stuff and has done her duties as a wife and mother then you need to appreciate her.

How important is the attraction factor to you? Know that noone will stay young forever. You could find someone who you find attractive but what happens when you get bored of her or she gets bored of you? Do you know if your wife finds you attractive?

Is your wife practising? Even if she is spend time with her and the children learning and implementing Islam in your lives.

(You do not have to answer tbe questions here but something to think about).

Do dua to Allah swt to guide you and pray istakhara it will help.

[fa697]

What have you offered your wife and children?

Your wife has been patient with your infidelity for eight years.

She has shown you mercy and given you a chance.

It is your fault so take heed and change yourself for your own benefit.

Start with apologising and beg for forgiveness.

Repent for your sins.

Renew your intentions.

Guard your chastity, lower your gaze and be loyal.

Have hayaa.

Understand your role as the husband and father.

Respect yourself, your body will witness against you on the day of judgement.

Respect the mother of your children. She carried them while you were being an infidel.

Appreciate her and understand why she is angry.

Seek professional help to aid you start a new journey together and see how it goes. 

or you can rot with the women you chase.

Upto you. 

brother what can i say, a brilliant excellent post your so right and true to the point.
i do acknowledge i did wrong, the thing is i dont feel it and this is what bothers her that im not sincere in apology.
i dont do tears, even when i went saudi i did shed tears but not as much.
thing is ive always had an interest in religion, i used to pray or try to 5 times but dont keep it going.
i feel like am not getting the real spiritual connection and thats why i dont practise as much

thank you brother Yasin for your chastising words, i will be reading over again
 

[fa697]

Walaikum asalaam

I hope you have stopped talking to other girls.

What does your wife want? Does she want to give the marriage another go?

You said you don't find her attractive anymore, so there was a time that you were attracted to her. What has changed? Know that womans body changes after childbirth.

All couples have their ups and downs. What will you do next time you get married and have arguments. Find ways to deal with the arguments and you don't want to be arguing infront of your children.

You know your wife, if she doesn't stress you about usless material stuff and has done her duties as a wife and mother then you need to appreciate her.

How important is the attraction factor to you? Know that noone will stay young forever. You could find someone who you find attractive but what happens when you get bored of her or she gets bored of you? Do you know if your wife finds you attractive?

Is your wife practising? Even if she is spend time with her and the children learning and implementing Islam in your lives.

(You do not have to answer tbe questions here but something to think about).

Do dua to Allah swt to guide you and pray istakhara it will help.

i have stopped for now but it became a habit so wont be easy.
she's tired of this vicious circle, she does want to give it another go ,
the difference this time is shes not accepting my lame apologies and wants me to spend time on my own and work on myself.
yes you make valid points.
the children are young so dont want to expose them to the arguing etc and have a good happy childhood.
maybe its the lack of empathy, the selfishness all symptoms of narcissism

i try to be considerate of others ,
i feel like the logic and reason is there, but its a case of mind and heart and something is amiss


 

[Stoic Believer]

salaam,
i'm going through some marital issues at the moment . i have been married 8 years and have kids.
at the moment am not living with her.
she's telling me to really think deeply about this relationship and what i actually want.
we've always had problems right from the very beginning and shes caught me talking to other girls.
im not really in love with her and come to realise shes not my type. but we have got on somewhat.
its just a vicious cycle were we get on with it then the arguments start again. she says i dont feel the pain of the issues ive caused.

i dont find her attractive anymore and i used to chase other girls
i feel like i should give it another shot as we got kids.
im just not sure if it will ever work as it hasnt after all these years and hardly ever been stable.

You probably need some serious marriage counseling. From someone who is wise and will be as unbiased as possible.

Contrary to the others, I'm not inclined to believe it's your fault alone or hers alone.

[Ya'sin]

brother what can i say, a brilliant excellent post your so right and true to the point.
i do acknowledge i did wrong, the thing is i dont feel it and this is what bothers her that im not sincere in apology.
i dont do tears, even when i went saudi i did shed tears but not as much.
thing is ive always had an interest in religion, i used to pray or try to 5 times but dont keep it going.
i feel like am not getting the real spiritual connection and thats why i dont practise as much

thank you brother Yasin for your chastising words, i will be reading over again
 

Going to Saudi won't solve all you problems when your heart is dead.

Practical steps you need to take asap:

1. Pray five times a day. Don't give up on that. Just like you eat food to survive, you must pray to feed your soul. 
2. Give charity
3. Block all female contacts. Delete these numbers or emails, social media accounts. Get rid of it. There's no excuse.
4. Do ghusl and make the intention to purify yourself. Make wudhu. 
5. Repent, make dua. Every muslim should repent daily. Perform 2 rakat nafl prayers. Recite the istighfar  dua and reflect over that.
​​​​​​â€Say 'Astagfirullah' 100 times in the morning and evening.
6. Read the Quran, even if it is just one verse.
7. Read the translation.
8. Learn the fiqh of marriage.
9. Watch lectures about religion, I usually listen to Bilal Assad. I find his lectures easy to follow and they help as a reminder Alhamdullilah.
10. Keep good company. Ditch friends that are perverts like you. Get rid off all the bad men in your life. They are insignificant.
11. Go to the mosque every day, don't just sit home alone watching porn.
12. Be productive. Help other Muslims. Don't befriend women. This is your weakness so you will need to start looking at them as your respected counterparts not objects. Read about the great women of Islam.


This list is not exhaustive, you will need to do your own homework. Seek knowledge, utilise the forum, there is an Islamic knowledge section, make sure you look through it.

You have to change. Stop blaming your wife and start thinking about Allah. 

This won't happen overnight but you need to take the initiative to do something about your actions


It isn't good enough, you making excuses and saying you don't do this and that won't help you with life. You must implement it soon, your children to look upto you. Don't disappoint them just cos you wanna sleep around with slappers.

Learn to be loyal and dignified, you will gain so much if you do. In Sha Allah.