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  • Complicated husband

    Assalamu Alaikum, 

    for those of you who remember me, I have come back today unfortunately with anew issue with the husband. This is my second marriage and it has been a roller coaster from day one of our marriage. I understand it’s hard for the readers to judge on anything without really knowing the person but I would accept any views and advice. 

    I have a major issue with my husband, that issue is he doesn’t communicate with me. Yes he is in a different country but I’m always the one texting him. No he’s not busy, he’s actually on a break from work waiting on his visa. But our main issue is no communication from his side. I always text him good morning, I always ask about him, I even send him money. I call him but our call doesn’t even last 5 minutes because his answers are no longer then 2 words and then it’s super quiet. So I just say ok take care. This situation gives me anxiety and ruins my whole day because I’m constantly wondering what’s going on with him. So I stopped texting him for a few days and waited to see what he says. Unfortunately nothing. So I decided to call him and he didn’t sound like he cared that I called and was using a careless tone in his voice. This drove me nuts and I asked him what’s wrong?!! Why can’t you tell me! And all he said is “nothing”. For every question the answer was “nothing”. So he finally said why did I stop saying good morning to him, and I said well why don’t you say good morning for once? And he said “nope I will never do that”. And I sad why? He said “I won’t, never”. He gave me no reason. I said fine do what you want. Then next couple days I kept saying good morning. But I had no idea why I was doing it if he’s not doing the same thing. So I decided to treat him the same way. I just stopped text him. No more good mornings no more how are you. The only time I would text him is to say jumaa Mubaraka and if I don’t do it he does. 

    Just a little background point, a few months back he accused me of something I did not do which is  text someone on WhatsApp and that me and that someone communicate. And when I asked him for proof that it’s me and that it’s my number he ignored me and basically said “our marriage has been nothing but problems from the beginning, We should go seperate ways”. He was ready to end everything just like that. So I told him if he is serious I will get my uncle into this since he is the one that arranged our marriage, and he said go ahead and talk to him. I was so hurt and confused had no idea why this is happening so I called my uncle and told him everything and he was in shock. He called his family and let them know to come to his house for a talk. Hi brothers all went to my uncles house and they brought my husband with them, but he was in tears and start kissing my uncles head and asking for forgiveness and that he was just testing me to see if I truly love him or if I will leave him. My uncle didn’t care if he wanted a divorce but he was mad that he tried to ruin my reputation when he accused me of talkiing to someone when it turned out that number wasn’t my number but somebody put my name on the contact ( I’m pretty sure my husband did that) . So after all that he send 40+ voice recordings with him crying so much and begging for forgiveness. I blocked him for a few months after I told him I need to think about this because you don’t seem normal to me. My uncle said that his brothers said that he has (sihr) and he goes to the sheikh. Which I don’t believe one bit. 

    But because I wanted to be fair in front of all I decided to forgive him and open a new page. So I unblocked him and we started talking and put all that behind us but with just a few weeks later he became this miserable guy who had nothing much to say to me. If he sees me online he disappears from WhatsApp. He just let gives me the impression that he is done but stuck. I’ve begged him so many times to open up, if there something in him that he can’t say I promised him if he says it I will accept it and he will get what he wants. I told him prefer to live in piece then to be in this situation but he kept saying “there’s nothing and I’m not answering any more question on this topic, this is who I am so deal with it”. 


    I totally just gave up and I’m kind of thinking if he doesnt want to say anything then I’ll just treat him the same way until this is all over. I can be way worse then him but I just don’t want to be anything like him but now I guess he left me with no other choice. 


    Any advice is much appreciated. 

    Thank You.
    :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

  • #2
    Walekum Assalam wrwb,


    Seek the help of Allah swt in tahajjud and make lots of Dua.Indeed Allah is samiul Aleem .He will definitely help you out and makes things good for you.
    Lots of Duas for you .

    Comment


    • #3
      Ws,

      Sound like you have been making efforts in the correct way, I know its difficult when a single person that you care about and their interaction can impact your whole day. Sound's odd that he was asking for forgiveness and then behaves the way he did, if he wanted to end it than I am sure it would have happened by now. Yes it's frustrating when you don't know what the problem is as that can snowball before you get a chance to fix it and creates suspicion, don't discount sihr, he needs to listen to rukhya and see if it helps, if its sihr he should have been diagnosed by now so ask him which type he is afflicted with. IA hope it all works out..

      Comment


      • #4
        Walikumsalam sister,

        Good to see you again (not the the marriage problem though).

        Sorry about your situation

        ​​​​​​have you prayed isthikhara? I think you should speak to your uncle, where did your uncle find this thing. Where do these men come from ya Allah
        Women should just remain single

        Mention to him the he isn't cooperating with you and is acting immature. He doesn't sound capable of looking after you.
        Last edited by Ya'sin; 16-11-19, 11:04 PM. Reason: Triggered but then I put the kettle on. Phew.
        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

        Comment


        • #5
          It's not your responsibility to fix any sihr (if that is truly the case) you can support him but he should help himself and make effort

          Not drag you down with him into insanity.
          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            There's always two sides to a story mind, sometimes things are not what they seem. If sihr is involved things could be misinterpreted.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by rideitout View Post
              There's always two sides to a story mind, sometimes things are not what they seem. If sihr is involved things could be misinterpreted.
              that is true but his brothers were aware of this, why didn't they have the decency to stop the marriage and support their brother instead of involving another woman from overseas, especially through marriage.

              I find that very frustrating
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank you to everyone that replied. Believe it or not your replys somehow calm me down because I was thinking of calling my uncle and tell him I don’t want to be in this marriage but then I realized that if I lose patience then I will never learn. So I decided to calm down and enjoy my cop of tea without thinking about it. Lol

                the truth is there are many red flags in this marriage, including him black mailing me about suicide. And he even took pictures of his suicidal scene. That was really scary and I had to kind of calm him down because I truly believed he was committing suicide. I started talking to him like a baby so he can put away the gun. All this happened through WhatsApp. I remember that day I felt like I got myself into a very complicated marriage that will break me mentally. I’m usually a strong person alhamdulilah. But this marriage has weakened me from every aspect.

                If he just wanted the visa wouldn’t he wait for it and not accuse me of something to try to end the marriage? If he had sihr then why would his niece admit to me that him and his brothers use that excuse all the time for their big mistakes? If he doesn’t want me then why didn’t he leave when he had the chance instead of coming back to me to beg me for forgiveness? The only thing I can think is wrong with him is that he has some type of undiagnosed either mental or personality disorder. But every time I try to ask him about it he feels offended and he says “I’m fine don’t try to make me look crazy”.

                One last question. Should I continue texting him even though he makes me feel stupid every time I do it? Should I get elder person involved between us or should I just stop and leave it to Allah?

                I know some might think it’s stupid of me to be in this application to ask such questions but you don’t understand how lonely I feel in this situation and it’s all too new for me. I’ve never thought such men exist. I feel like I’m dealing with a very complicated kid and I’m losing my mind because nothing seems to please him.
                :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

                Comment


                • #9
                  You could carry on messaging him but if it makes you angry when he doesn't respond, better not to because your effort is going to waste and both of you will end up having an argument.

                  he is avoiding all this so you might have to involve your uncle and tell him there is something wrong and your husband isn't talking about it

                  He will have to talk about it with someone. It can't just be left alone without finding a solution. 

                   
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    waalaykumasalam sis

                    I married from abroad, Pakistan to be specific and I am from the UK. I have children in this marriage and he has been in England for 2 years and been married for 3. Its not easy, marriage is compromise and hard work. A lot of men even british born do not understand the nature of women and vice versa, its like the saying women are from venus and men are from mars. 


                    ‹So in my personal experience of my marriage, I can’t really enjoy my husbands company and he doesnt really enjoy mine either. We are too different. Also, parenting is left to me, if I need a few hours break from the children then I cant really rely on my husband. We do not share any similair interests or dont even sit together to watch tv. I used to be affected alot but now I work on self development. One of the main reasons I am with him is because he provides financially and I have very young children.


                    If your husband is stressed abroad then imagine when he comes to a different country, you will need lots of patience to deal with him. Also I think you are getting to know his personality that he does not really like communicating much so you will have to accept him as he is. Lower your expectations if you want the marriage to work.


                    A lot of marriages that I have witnessed, one partner is always compromising more than the other, usually its the woman but sometimes its the man. Also sis whatever you do in life, do not worry how you look in front of others because you cant please everyone in life.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Sis, have you spoken to your uncle about all of this? Is there any way you can visit him or he visit you? Long distance can be difficult and I don't want to say anything, but speak to your uncle and see what he has to say about this. Then get your husband to either visit you and see how that goes or go down for a visit.


                      Originally posted by innocent-wife View Post
                      the truth is there are many red flags in this marriage, including him black mailing me about suicide. And he even took pictures of his suicidal scene. That was really scary and I had to kind of calm him down because I truly believed he was committing suicide. I started talking to him like a baby so he can put away the gun. All this happened through WhatsApp. I remember that day I felt like I got myself into a very complicated marriage that will break me mentally. I’m usually a strong person alhamdulilah. But this marriage has weakened me from every aspect.
                      I don't want to sugarcoat this, but this is abuse. Blackmailing someone like this is never okay. It's emotional abuse. Sis, there's nothing wrong with patience. But if he's blackmailing you like this and accuses your character so easily as a test, then you need your mehram to sort this out and then see if you can move forward. Communication is one thing, but it's major sin to accuses a chaste woman of being immoral and using suicide....

                      Speak to your family and get your mehram to talk to your husband. May Allah fix this situation, guide everyone involved and bless them with khayr. Ameen.

                      مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                      "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                      It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                      Surah al-Baqarah
                      [2:245]

                      .:.
                      .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                      Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                      .:.
                      ...said the spider to the fly...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Sister my heart has fallen reading this. This man is not interested in marriage to you as a person. He was either coerced or wants the marriage for pragmatic reasons. People use sihr to excuse all sorts of crappy behaviour, it is a very convenient get out of jail card. If you were my daughter I would be advising (well begging actually) to cut off contact or monetary support and start divorce proceedings. A close friend of mine was in this very situation for more than 10 years and it never got any better. She sacrificed her child bearing years for her parents sake (he was her cousin and they didn't want her to get divorced) so I pray you won't be the same. You really need to be honest with you parents or wali, this sounds like a disaster already and you aren't even living together yet.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I know the feeling I was in marriage where I was always running after my ex wife and even though I did stand up for myself it always felt she was doing me a favor by being loving etc etc.

                          Nothing is more tiring...

                          Although I have no idea what advice to give you I pray that Allah makes a way for you that will bring you ease. Ameen

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            First this guy shows no emotions to you, then he is begging and crying in front of your uncle. Seems like a master manipulator to me. Very very wierd.
                            ​ ​ ​ If I had a wife who was far away I would video call her, would try to use every holiday I get to get to be with her. Why did he marry you.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post
                              Sister my heart has fallen reading this. This man is not interested in marriage to you as a person. He was either coerced or wants the marriage for pragmatic reasons. People use sihr to excuse all sorts of crappy behaviour, it is a very convenient get out of jail card. If you were my daughter I would be advising (well begging actually) to cut off contact or monetary support and start divorce proceedings. A close friend of mine was in this very situation for more than 10 years and it never got any better. She sacrificed her child bearing years for her parents sake (he was her cousin and they didn't want her to get divorced) so I pray you won't be the same. You really need to be honest with you parents or wali, this sounds like a disaster already and you aren't even living together yet.
                              I actually had no patience to just sit here and do nothing. I text him and called him and he didn’t reply until the next day he just said asalamu Alaikum and ignored all my questions. Then I text and called couple times no reply until today he read them but no reply. He’s driving me nuts. 
                              :love::love:"Silence ":love::love:

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