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Sisters who marry again with kids

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  • Mr Eijaz
    replied
    The irony is that when you were married and have kids and you seek someone who doesnt have kids its seems to be a joke but when you look at it things could really wrong and harm the relationship i have with my kids even though they dont live with me

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  • UmmAbdullah86
    replied
    Originally posted by applepiex3 View Post
    So personal family experience here...

    My aunty's second husband (whom she has now divorced) was always seen as this pious man. However, he wasn't the same person to her first daughter from her first husband - hence the divorce.

    If you're a woman and getting married again, you really need to consider how old your kids are and if you have any daughters. If you're a man, then it is slightly different - most step-mothers are accommodating whilst some will always give preference to their own blood.
    Personal experience: I've had 2 step mums andc1 step dad and I would say that the likelihood of of the stepmum being bad to the children is much higher than the stepdad.  Regardless, it is really important that the parent is on alert for these issues and prioritised the child otherwise it can done much damage in the longterm.

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  • applepiex3
    replied
    So personal family experience here...

    My aunty's second husband (whom she has now divorced) was always seen as this pious man. However, he wasn't the same person to her first daughter from her first husband - hence the divorce.

    If you're a woman and getting married again, you really need to consider how old your kids are and if you have any daughters. If you're a man, then it is slightly different - most step-mothers are accommodating whilst some will always give preference to their own blood.
    Last edited by applepiex3; 09-11-19, 02:30 AM.

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  • Abu julaybeeb
    replied
    Wife remarried
    the thought hurts

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  • UmmAbdullah86
    replied
    I think each situation is unique.¬¬† Some children may have a very active hands on father, other children may not even know who their father is.¬¬† Age plays a big factor too, it is much easier to form a bond with a very young child than with a teen.¬¬† The key I think is to be very open with the mother as to what she expects.
    The best stepfather I ever saw was the husband of a friend of mine.¬¬† She was widowed when her child was only months old and remarried when he was 4.¬¬† He was very upset in the early days to see a man physically close to his mother and this brother insisted on sleeping separately from her until the child was used to the idea.¬¬† He took him everywhere with him and treated him the same as his subsequent children.¬¬† That boy is now 20 and they are to all intensive purposes father and son.¬¬† At his school graduation he chose his stepfather over his mother to go.¬¬†¬¬†
    ¬¬†

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  • Medic
    replied
    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post

    I think that's a bit of an unrealistic expectation.

    Dealing with infertility, one of the most foolish and unhelpful advice I receive is to "relax and just adopt". When someone says that any longer, I'm not able to relax for the next one week or so out of anger.
    I understand what you mean and I know it isn't exactly the same. Maybe he'd never have the same connection per say but I think it's not impossible to treat them as you would your own children even if you do not feel the same way. I say this from my own experience, I talked to a potential before who had children and mentally I was okay to treat them like that. But as you say, maybe other women don't expect the same etc...

    I guess Abu Abdullah is right, the OP should just ask the women directly if he means to approach them.

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  • ~TwinklingStar~
    replied
    It's noble that you want to take on the role of a "real father" but don't harbour any expectations from those kids - Expectations always lead to heartaches.

    There are hundreds of cases where parents gave their all and left no stone unturned in raising non-biological kids just to hear them say "But you're not my real father/mother" or "You wouldn't have done this if I was your real son/daughter". You can do a thousand things right, but if you do just one thing against their wishes ( for their own good too) they will forget those thousand things and resent you for the one thing.

    You cannot expect loyalty from your own biological kids these days, so, don't expect much from others.

    By saying that, I'm not implying in any sense that you shouldn't try to be the best dad you can to your wife's kids, just reminding you that your intention to be good to them should solely be to please Allah.

    In fact, that's true in the case of any relationship these days - your spouse, your kids, your neighbours, your relatives... Never, ever think anyone will be grateful to you for the countless favours you do for them. They will love you only till their selfish needs are met. Once you stop being "useful", their colours will change too. So, do good and forget about it.

    If your intention of doing good is just to please Allah, then you won't be sad if people do not appreciate you or turn against you because you know that Allah, the All-Knower, the All-Hearer and the All-Seer will never let your efforts go to waste and will reward you appropriately for your deeds. Nothing will be forgotten and nothing will be left off your record.

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  • Mr Eijaz
    replied
    Jazak-Allah for the priceless feedback I must admit my nature would draw me to being a "real" father and I would be devastated to be told to stay in my lane.

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  • Kya
    replied
    Yes in the beginning you have to careful how you behave around the child.  You can't instantly become a "father" to a children who has lived without  a father figure for several years & just the same you can't discipline a child like a father or close family member with in few months of getting to know the kid.  You have not earned that right.  You forget that a parents has 9 months to prep for that baby to enter their world.  And then they have years as the baby gets older to adjust & learn from each other. Learn what is normal for the baby and what needs to be disciplined. It takes years to learn and grow and be part of the family.

    I know family where mothers re-married and the step-dad took a role of uncle & had always kept that position for life.  Other step-dad took the position of biological father & never saw his step child any different from his own child. I think in the beginning its best to take the role of an uncle while working on growing trust and becoming father figure. 

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  • ~TwinklingStar~
    replied
    Originally posted by Medic View Post
    It means treat them as you would your own biological children bro.
    I think that's a bit of an unrealistic expectation.

    Dealing with infertility, one of the most foolish and unhelpful advice I receive is to "relax and just adopt". When someone says that any longer, I'm not able to relax for the next one week or so out of anger.

    Leave a comment:


  • AmantuBillahi
    replied
    Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post
    In my search I have come across many sisters who say they want a man who be a father to their kids.
    What would this entail?
    1. Positive male role model
    2. Concern/Compassion/Guidance

    Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post
    I would imagine that scolding kids from another marriage etc. wont be the same as scolding your own kids.
    Anyone who has experienced this share experiences of how it has worked?
    Every situation is unique. Age plays a huge factor in how you approach the children. A toddler will naturally be receptive to your discipline and "playing daddy", while a teenager might be more in need of your friendship and guidance. It's probably best to let the wife discipline her teenagers, especially if they're father is out of the picture and the children are defiant.

    Again, every situation is different. A religious household is different from a secular/cultural household. The Adaab and culture of the children are relevant as well.
    ​​​​​​​

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  • Medic
    replied
    It means treat them as you would your own biological children bro.

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  • Abu 'Abdullaah
    replied
    Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post

    Because I can ask here instead?
    But we are not those women. Are you asking us to guess their experiences?

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  • Mr Eijaz
    replied
    Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post

    Best to ask the sisters in question. You may find that each sister has different expectations.
    I understand that however, I guess what I am trying to gauge is what I have to generally as step dad.

    My reason for this is gauge whether or not I would be a great step dad or not.

    I am afraid to bring difficulty on someone's kid I guess

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  • Mintchocchip
    replied
    Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post
    In my search I have come across many sisters who say they want a man who be a father to their kids.

    What would this entail?

    I would imagine that scolding kids from another marriage etc. wont be the same as scolding your own kids.

    Anyone who has experienced this share experiences of how it has worked?
    Best to ask the sisters in question. You may find that each sister has different expectations.

    Leave a comment:

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