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Sisters who marry again with kids

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  • Sisters who marry again with kids

    In my search I have come across many sisters who say they want a man who be a father to their kids.

    What would this entail?

    I would imagine that scolding kids from another marriage etc. wont be the same as scolding your own kids.

    Anyone who has experienced this share experiences of how it has worked?

  • #2
    Have you asked them?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
      Have you asked them?
      This was on match maker profile so I couldn't hence...

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post

        This was on match maker profile so I couldn't hence...
        If that’s why you’re going through profiles then why not?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post

          If that’s why you’re going through profiles then why not?
          Because I can ask here instead?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post
            In my search I have come across many sisters who say they want a man who be a father to their kids.

            What would this entail?

            I would imagine that scolding kids from another marriage etc. wont be the same as scolding your own kids.

            Anyone who has experienced this share experiences of how it has worked?
            Best to ask the sisters in question. You may find that each sister has different expectations.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post

              Best to ask the sisters in question. You may find that each sister has different expectations.
              I understand that however, I guess what I am trying to gauge is what I have to generally as step dad.

              My reason for this is gauge whether or not I would be a great step dad or not.

              I am afraid to bring difficulty on someone's kid I guess

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post

                Because I can ask here instead?
                But we are not those women. Are you asking us to guess their experiences?

                Comment


                • #9
                  It means treat them as you would your own biological children bro.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post
                    In my search I have come across many sisters who say they want a man who be a father to their kids.
                    What would this entail?
                    1. Positive male role model
                    2. Concern/Compassion/Guidance

                    Originally posted by Mr Eijaz View Post
                    I would imagine that scolding kids from another marriage etc. wont be the same as scolding your own kids.
                    Anyone who has experienced this share experiences of how it has worked?
                    Every situation is unique. Age plays a huge factor in how you approach the children. A toddler will naturally be receptive to your discipline and "playing daddy", while a teenager might be more in need of your friendship and guidance. It's probably best to let the wife discipline her teenagers, especially if they're father is out of the picture and the children are defiant.

                    Again, every situation is different. A religious household is different from a secular/cultural household. The Adaab and culture of the children are relevant as well.
                    ​​​​​​​

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Medic View Post
                      It means treat them as you would your own biological children bro.
                      I think that's a bit of an unrealistic expectation.

                      Dealing with infertility, one of the most foolish and unhelpful advice I receive is to "relax and just adopt". When someone says that any longer, I'm not able to relax for the next one week or so out of anger.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Yes in the beginning you have to careful how you behave around the child.  You can't instantly become a "father" to a children who has lived without  a father figure for several years & just the same you can't discipline a child like a father or close family member with in few months of getting to know the kid.  You have not earned that right.  You forget that a parents has 9 months to prep for that baby to enter their world.  And then they have years as the baby gets older to adjust & learn from each other. Learn what is normal for the baby and what needs to be disciplined. It takes years to learn and grow and be part of the family.

                        I know family where mothers re-married and the step-dad took a role of uncle & had always kept that position for life.  Other step-dad took the position of biological father & never saw his step child any different from his own child. I think in the beginning its best to take the role of an uncle while working on growing trust and becoming father figure. 

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                        • #13
                          Jazak-Allah for the priceless feedback I must admit my nature would draw me to being a "real" father and I would be devastated to be told to stay in my lane.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It's noble that you want to take on the role of a "real father" but don't harbour any expectations from those kids - Expectations always lead to heartaches.

                            There are hundreds of cases where parents gave their all and left no stone unturned in raising non-biological kids just to hear them say "But you're not my real father/mother" or "You wouldn't have done this if I was your real son/daughter". You can do a thousand things right, but if you do just one thing against their wishes ( for their own good too) they will forget those thousand things and resent you for the one thing.

                            You cannot expect loyalty from your own biological kids these days, so, don't expect much from others.

                            By saying that, I'm not implying in any sense that you shouldn't try to be the best dad you can to your wife's kids, just reminding you that your intention to be good to them should solely be to please Allah.

                            In fact, that's true in the case of any relationship these days - your spouse, your kids, your neighbours, your relatives... Never, ever think anyone will be grateful to you for the countless favours you do for them. They will love you only till their selfish needs are met. Once you stop being "useful", their colours will change too. So, do good and forget about it.

                            If your intention of doing good is just to please Allah, then you won't be sad if people do not appreciate you or turn against you because you know that Allah, the All-Knower, the All-Hearer and the All-Seer will never let your efforts go to waste and will reward you appropriately for your deeds. Nothing will be forgotten and nothing will be left off your record.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post

                              I think that's a bit of an unrealistic expectation.

                              Dealing with infertility, one of the most foolish and unhelpful advice I receive is to "relax and just adopt". When someone says that any longer, I'm not able to relax for the next one week or so out of anger.
                              I understand what you mean and I know it isn't exactly the same. Maybe he'd never have the same connection per say but I think it's not impossible to treat them as you would your own children even if you do not feel the same way. I say this from my own experience, I talked to a potential before who had children and mentally I was okay to treat them like that. But as you say, maybe other women don't expect the same etc...

                              I guess Abu Abdullah is right, the OP should just ask the women directly if he means to approach them.

                              Comment

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