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  • Confused... need some advice?e

    AssalamuAlikum,

    I have some confusion about my circumstances and thought some outsider advice might offer clarity. 

    I am in my late twenties and looking for a spouse. I am also a doctor and plan on working after my marriage. I want to marry someone in the same profession as me and finding a lot of difficulty. My parents want to go back and find someone from their country, which I’m hesitant about.

    I have worked very hard and put a lot of effort in my life to get where I am. So many sleepless nights and putting most of my youth aside to single-mindedly complete my education. Alhamdulillah, all of that is done but I’m facing difficulty finding someone the same caliber as me. You see, after all that I want some peace  of mind and ease in my life now. I feel like someone in my profession would understand the long hours and nights in the hospital - be more accommodating. If we have a similar income, I can have the option to take time off when we have children. I know couples where the women worked while the men raised the kids because she earned more to make ends meet. I don’t want that. My mother was a housewife and spent so much time on us - I want to be there for my kids. I want my husband to take initiative so I can have some ease.

    If I marry back in their country, I will have more responsibility to bear and I don’t know if I can. I’m mentally exhausted and just the thought of the years of financial support, paperwork, and effort to have someone adjust is putting me off of marriage. I’ve had previous proposals back from their country and family members told me it was only for my passport. I don’t want to be used like that. My mother wants to go back and find someone, but I’m reluctant.

    We’ve had conversations about this and my mother says that whatever Allah decreed will happen. I agree, but don’t duas and prayers have the power to change decree? Should I keep praying to Allah for someone here or just give in and go back and get married? I’m scared that the resentment of my situation will affect my marriage if I marry back in their country. 

  • #2
    Walaikum assalam,
    in my opinion, you should keep praying because it seems clear that do you don’t want to marry in your native country. You can join online websites or maybe your friends or relatives can introduce you to someone. I’m not sure if you live in the Uk? But there are many Muslim doctors here and some are single

    Comment


    • #3
      Yes I would echo the above advice and say don't be shoe horned into marrying from back home.  The amount of sisters I know who have done this and are going through so much stress do to new regulations, financial consequences etc etc...don't forget his qualifications upon arrival may not be up to date so he might not be able to work initially.  There are many people in your position, try joining the matrimony services and stating your occupational preferences.  If you are doing erratic, long shifts that is not particularly compatible with family life then I agree that you should target someone from a similar background who will have similar earning potential and a level of understanding.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by ~AnonymousGirl~ View Post
        AssalamuAlikum,

        I have some confusion about my circumstances and thought some outsider advice might offer clarity.

        I am in my late twenties and looking for a spouse. I am also a doctor and plan on working after my marriage. I want to marry someone in the same profession as me and finding a lot of difficulty. My parents want to go back and find someone from their country, which I’m hesitant about.

        I have worked very hard and put a lot of effort in my life to get where I am. So many sleepless nights and putting most of my youth aside to single-mindedly complete my education. Alhamdulillah, all of that is done but I’m facing difficulty finding someone the same caliber as me. You see, after all that I want some peace of mind and ease in my life now. I feel like someone in my profession would understand the long hours and nights in the hospital - be more accommodating. If we have a similar income, I can have the option to take time off when we have children. I know couples where the women worked while the men raised the kids because she earned more to make ends meet. I don’t want that. My mother was a housewife and spent so much time on us - I want to be there for my kids. I want my husband to take initiative so I can have some ease.

        If I marry back in their country, I will have more responsibility to bear and I don’t know if I can. I’m mentally exhausted and just the thought of the years of financial support, paperwork, and effort to have someone adjust is putting me off of marriage. I’ve had previous proposals back from their country and family members told me it was only for my passport. I don’t want to be used like that. My mother wants to go back and find someone, but I’m reluctant.

        We’ve had conversations about this and my mother says that whatever Allah decreed will happen. I agree, but don’t duas and prayers have the power to change decree? Should I keep praying to Allah for someone here or just give in and go back and get married? I’m scared that the resentment of my situation will affect my marriage if I marry back in their country.
        Why has it been difficult to find someone in this country? What obstacles have you faced?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ~AnonymousGirl~ View Post
          AssalamuAlikum,

          I have some confusion about my circumstances and thought some outsider advice might offer clarity. 

          I am in my late twenties and looking for a spouse. I am also a doctor and plan on working after my marriage. I want to marry someone in the same profession as me and finding a lot of difficulty. My parents want to go back and find someone from their country, which I’m hesitant about.

          I have worked very hard and put a lot of effort in my life to get where I am. So many sleepless nights and putting most of my youth aside to single-mindedly complete my education. Alhamdulillah, all of that is done but I’m facing difficulty finding someone the same caliber as me. You see, after all that I want some peace  of mind and ease in my life now. I feel like someone in my profession would understand the long hours and nights in the hospital - be more accommodating. If we have a similar income, I can have the option to take time off when we have children. I know couples where the women worked while the men raised the kids because she earned more to make ends meet. I don’t want that. My mother was a housewife and spent so much time on us - I want to be there for my kids. I want my husband to take initiative so I can have some ease.

          If I marry back in their country, I will have more responsibility to bear and I don’t know if I can. I’m mentally exhausted and just the thought of the years of financial support, paperwork, and effort to have someone adjust is putting me off of marriage. I’ve had previous proposals back from their country and family members told me it was only for my passport. I don’t want to be used like that. My mother wants to go back and find someone, but I’m reluctant.

          We’ve had conversations about this and my mother says that whatever Allah decreed will happen. I agree, but don’t duas and prayers have the power to change decree? Should I keep praying to Allah for someone here or just give in and go back and get married? I’m scared that the resentment of my situation will affect my marriage if I marry back in their country. 
          Wa alaikum salaam

          In Muslim matrimonial sites there are preference filter buttons for work occupation. You can add doctor. I ask Allah to bless you with an amazing doctor spouse, ameen
          وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

          And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


          أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

          Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


          Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

          Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

          Comment


          • #6
            You sound quite arrogant and elitist. Why wouldn't you want a pious man wherever he is from and whatever he does. The important factors are that he can provide for you both and any children both financially and spiritually.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by ThaZayd View Post
              You sound quite arrogant and elitist. Why wouldn't you want a pious man wherever he is from and whatever he does. The important factors are that he can provide for you both and any children both financially and spiritually.
              I don't think she's arrogant or elitist. She used to a certain lifestyle and she just wants to maintain that. 

              Comment


              • #8
                A Male doctor has also gone through the same struggle and sacrifice as you. Now ask yourself, after all that does he want to reward himself with a young pretty supportive and dutiful wife or a frazzled doctor working long shifts at the hospital like him? Let me tell you being a doctor is nothing special. Many doctors are the worst examples of human kind going. My advice to you is to broaden your search. I'm not saying marry the hospital porter, not that there's anything wrong with it, but don't stick to just one profession. Discuss your lifestyles and expectations of marriage and find someone who complements and gels with that. 
                Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

                None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                  A Male doctor has also gone through the same struggle and sacrifice as you. Now ask yourself, after all that does he want to reward himself with a young pretty supportive and dutiful wife or a frazzled doctor working long shifts at the hospital like him? Let me tell you being a doctor is nothing special. Many doctors are the worst examples of human kind going. My advice to you is to broaden your search. I'm not saying marry the hospital porter, not that there's anything wrong with it, but don't stick to just one profession. Discuss your lifestyles and expectations of marriage and find someone who complements and gels with that.
                  My thoughts exactly.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                    A Male doctor has also gone through the same struggle and sacrifice as you. Now ask yourself, after all that does he want to reward himself with a young pretty supportive and dutiful wife or a frazzled doctor working long shifts at the hospital like him? Let me tell you being a doctor is nothing special. Many doctors are the worst examples of human kind going. My advice to you is to broaden your search. I'm not saying marry the hospital porter, not that there's anything wrong with it, but don't stick to just one profession. Discuss your lifestyles and expectations of marriage and find someone who complements and gels with that. 
                    Unnecessary comment. Women are more than archetypes, how would you know someone would be a dutiful and supportive wife just by a few meetings. The sister maybe a better wife in many ways and make a better mother with her skillset than other women.
                    وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                    And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                    أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                    Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


                    Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

                    Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

                    Comment


                    • #11

                      I know of a doctor married to a doctor, they have 2 lovely kids - Allahumma barik lahum. They are happy together.

                      I think maybe the sister wants someone who *understands*. Successful relationships require understanding.

                      I've come across people who marry within their profession and I think it's because of mutual understanding. One doesn't have to explain to the other how things are or why they might be the way they are, or if they had an upsetting time at work which might affect their day. Also, they can help each other with work, and might even help with bonding because they're on the same page and have similar interests, etc.

                      It's like how some couples team up to do Da'wah and teach Islam. (I think this is a good idea if a sister is the type to want to contribute to society or work, that she does so alongside her husband which will make both their lives easier, as she will be with her husband.) I know of couples who've set up businesses together which I think is good.


                      May Allah grant you a good match (whether he's a doc or not), someone who is good for your Dunya, Aakhirah and will be a comfort to you sister, ameen.
                       

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post

                        Unnecessary comment. Women are more than archetypes, how would you know someone would be a dutiful and supportive wife just by a few meetings. The sister maybe a better wife in many ways and make a better mother with her skillset than other women.
                        Her age and the long and unsociable working hours are facts. Unless she is superwoman it is highly likely these facts may impair her ability to be as supportive and dutiful a wife as she would like to be. There may be doctors willing to accept these conditions and still marry her but equally many male doctors may not want this and have a large pool of marriage potentials to choose from. For this reason my advice was for her to widen her search to include other professions. 
                        Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

                        None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ~AnonymousGirl~ View Post
                          AssalamuAlikum,

                          I know couples where the women worked while the men raised the kids because she earned more to make ends meet. I don’t want that. My mother was a housewife and spent so much time on us - I want to be there for my kids. I want my husband to take initiative so I can have some ease.
                          Interesting. You almost sound like me except I don't have too many restrictions on my potential spouse's profession. I do share your sentiment on childrearing though. I want to be there for mine as well. Trust me I understand your situation. I'm in the nursing profession and it can be so stressful yet rewarding as well. I can definitely understand the perks in being married to someone in the same profession as you because they just get it. But honestly I feel like you're doing a little disservice to yourself by limiting your pool like that. Are you specifically looking for doctors or brothers in the health profession in general? When you talk about wanting your husband to take initiative I'm guessing you mean you want him to be a doctor. I think it's to be expected that you will experience difficulty in finding a suitor if your limiting your options by profession. Medical fields in general aren't for the faint of heart so that already weeds out a lot of potential suitors for you who may be found in different health care professions for example a dentist or orthodontist. Or may be found in completely different professions outside of healthcare. I think it can definitely work out though. I can tell you from my experience in nursing school, there was a Muslim brother in my clinical group who was married and his wife was already a nurse before him and his plan was similar to yours in terms of when they were going to start a family together. It worked out for them so it can work for you too. Just a matter of finding someone which will be difficult unless you're more aggressive and make yourself (your family plans) known. Initially, some brothers might be put off simply because of your career but compromise DOES exist.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                            A Male doctor has also gone through the same struggle and sacrifice as you. Now ask yourself, after all that does he want to reward himself with a young pretty supportive and dutiful wife or a frazzled doctor working long shifts at the hospital like him? Let me tell you being a doctor is nothing special. Many doctors are the worst examples of human kind going. My advice to you is to broaden your search. I'm not saying marry the hospital porter, not that there's anything wrong with it, but don't stick to just one profession. Discuss your lifestyles and expectations of marriage and find someone who complements and gels with that. 
                            La hawla wa la quwatta illa billah....what a condescending, nasty thing to say.  The sister is not asking what YOU are asking for in a wife, she is asking advice in finding a spouse.  Many doctors (Muslim and non Muslim) prefer to marry another doctor because they are understanding of the lifestyle that is involved.  Very long shifts, rotation every 3-6 months, overtime, being too tired to go to family functions that they had agreed to go to etc etc.  Outside of UF believe it or not there are brothers who want to marry a woman that is of equal education status to him, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post

                              La hawla wa la quwatta illa billah....what a condescending, nasty thing to say. The sister is not asking what YOU are asking for in a wife, she is asking advice in finding a spouse. Many doctors (Muslim and non Muslim) prefer to marry another doctor because they are understanding of the lifestyle that is involved. Very long shifts, rotation every 3-6 months, overtime, being too tired to go to family functions that they had agreed to go to etc etc. Outside of UF believe it or not there are brothers who want to marry a woman that is of equal education status to him, and there is nothing wrong with that.
                              Lol on the contrary, probably you wish I was being nasty and condescending. While I sympathise with her predicament, I offered a possible reason why she is having difficulty finding a doctor and advised her to widen her search to include other professions. Just for the record , I have no qualms with having a educated wife etc etc. I sincerely hope the OP finds a compatible spouse

                              Apologies to anyone who may have been triggered by my comments. I understand it can be confusing in these times, dominated by the lazy, selfish and self obsessed and the misguided.
                              Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worlds ending!

                              None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

                              Comment

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