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  • Need Marriage Advice

    Hi, I am in need of some advice regarding a marriage proposal.


    Here is some background:
    I have just turned 21 years old and I am expected to marry before I turn 25. Recently, I received a marriage proposal from a family in another country for their son.

    The son has settled here in this country and is studying the same degree as me at another university. My father travelled to visit the boy to approve him before we took it further. He liked the boy's character and brought back photographs so my family and I could see him. I was very heavily disappointed and was not fond of his looks at all; neither was my mother and sister. On top of that, the boy doesn't want to get married for the next few years and wants to get engaged and wait. Before I was given the chance to reject, I was told to at least meet him.

    I had 3 bad dreams the following week, which I cannot decipher at all but they were correlated to this proposal. So, I told my mother to turn this proposal down. However, literally, the next morning when she was going to call the family to reject the boy's proposal; the family told us their son is coming to meet me.

    The boy physically came to visit a few days ago. He looked different from the photos and I told myself to get over the "looks barrier". Unfortunately, he is not the most blessed with looks and everyone I have spoken to has told me to reconsider, except my father. I am very grateful to Allah for giving me excessive beauty but now it is working against me since I have become a little greedy and want someone who is also as good looking as me. I have worked hard in ignoring very handsome men and their attempts to "win me over"; I wanted to wait for the man correct for me approved by my parents but after meeting this man - I am so disappointed. Is he seriously the one I am going to marry? Regardless, I am still mentally prepared to put looks aside.

    He visited my house for dinner with his aunty and uncle so we can meet each other. My parents like the fact he lives alone and I wouldn't need to deal with in-laws and can spend my life in peace. After talking to him, he seemed kind with had good character but absolutely no personality. He also didn't show any ambition and dedication to take responsibility for a family - he seemed like the kind of guy who is all talk but doesn't attain much.

    I told him I want to pray before making a decision - for which I was heavily criticised by family since it sounds like I am rejecting him. Something in my heart is telling me to wait before taking a decision. I want to pray Istikhara right now but cannot due to womanly reasons. Meanwhile, his family are waiting for a yes or no. Truth is, I don't know. But I can't tell them that.

    It has been 3 days and I cannot make up my mind. What do I do? My heart is a little conflicted as well since this boy and his uncle accidentally started talking about their relatives who are my age with similar interests to me. I don't know how to approach this and what response to give?

  • #2
    Originally posted by applepiex3 View Post
    Hi, I am in need of some advice regarding a marriage proposal.


    Here is some background:
    I have just turned 21 years old and I am expected to marry before I turn 25. Recently, I received a marriage proposal from a family in another country for their son.

    The son has settled here in this country and is studying the same degree as me at another university. My father travelled to visit the boy to approve him before we took it further. He liked the boy's character and brought back photographs so my family and I could see him. I was very heavily disappointed and was not fond of his looks at all; neither was my mother and sister. On top of that, the boy doesn't want to get married for the next few years and wants to get engaged and wait. Before I was given the chance to reject, I was told to at least meet him.

    I had 3 bad dreams the following week, which I cannot decipher at all but they were correlated to this proposal. So, I told my mother to turn this proposal down. However, literally, the next morning when she was going to call the family to reject the boy's proposal; the family told us their son is coming to meet me.

    The boy physically came to visit a few days ago. He looked different from the photos and I told myself to get over the "looks barrier". Unfortunately, he is not the most blessed with looks and everyone I have spoken to has told me to reconsider, except my father. I am very grateful to Allah for giving me excessive beauty but now it is working against me since I have become a little greedy and want someone who is also as good looking as me. I have worked hard in ignoring very handsome men and their attempts to "win me over"; I wanted to wait for the man correct for me approved by my parents but after meeting this man - I am so disappointed. Is he seriously the one I am going to marry? Regardless, I am still mentally prepared to put looks aside.

    He visited my house for dinner with his aunty and uncle so we can meet each other. My parents like the fact he lives alone and I wouldn't need to deal with in-laws and can spend my life in peace. After talking to him, he seemed kind with had good character but absolutely no personality. He also didn't show any ambition and dedication to take responsibility for a family - he seemed like the kind of guy who is all talk but doesn't attain much.

    I told him I want to pray before making a decision - for which I was heavily criticised by family since it sounds like I am rejecting him. Something in my heart is telling me to wait before taking a decision. I want to pray Istikhara right now but cannot due to womanly reasons. Meanwhile, his family are waiting for a yes or no. Truth is, I don't know. But I can't tell them that.

    It has been 3 days and I cannot make up my mind. What do I do? My heart is a little conflicted as well since this boy and his uncle accidentally started talking about their relatives who are my age with similar interests to me. I don't know how to approach this and what response to give?
    Just say no. You don't have to put looks aside; that is cultural nonsense.

    You're only 21. Plenty of time to find someone.

    Comment


    • #3
      You can do the du'a of istikharah without praying two rak'at, especially if the matter is urgent.

      Put looks to the side for now, and list the positive attributes he has. If you like him as a person and you share the same goals for yourselves and your future children, then you can go back and see if it is worth it to compromise on looks.

      I didn't really see any mention of religious commitment in your post. What kind of example will he be for your kids? Are you okay with that?

      You need to consider future kids when making a decision.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

        Just say no. You don't have to put looks aside; that is cultural nonsense.

        You're only 21. Plenty of time to find someone.
        Son.

        I'm afraid this reply is unacceptable.

        It seems we need to refresh your training.

        She's been considering him for 3 days for a reason. If he was a bad potential she wouldn't even consider it.

        Comment


        • #5
          If you don't envision spending the rest of your life with him, just say no. It's your right to reject a proposal you don't deem suitable, there's absolutely no need to feel guilty.

          His looks aren't going to change, so, there's no point in delaying and keeping the other party hanging.

          Although I don't think it's possible to infer someone's personality, ambition and dedication from just one meeting.

          Why does he want to have a long engagement ? It's not Islamically correct to delay marriage without a valid reason.

          And, a word of advice - this is duniya, not Jannah. You're not going to find someone absolutely perfect here. You will have to compromise somewhere.

          You may find a brother who's handsome, financially sound, great personality, character etc but there will be troublesome in-laws involved. Or his deen/aqeedah will be shaky. Or he will have a temper issue. Or a traumatic childhood which leaves him scarred for life. Or he suffers from a chronic ailment.

          May Allah grant you khair in your decisions.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
            If you don't envision spending the rest of your life with him, just say no. It's your right to reject a proposal you don't deem suitable, there's absolutely no need to feel guilty.

            His looks aren't going to change, so, there's no point in delaying and keeping the other party hanging.

            Although I don't think it's possible to infer someone's personality, ambition and dedication from just one meeting.

            Why does he want to have a long engagement ? It's not Islamically correct to delay marriage without a valid reason.

            And, a word of advice - this is duniya, not Jannah. You're not going to find someone absolutely perfect here. You will have to compromise somewhere.

            You may find a brother who's handsome, financially sound, great personality, character etc but there will be troublesome in-laws involved. Or his deen/aqeedah will be shaky. Or he will have a temper issue. Or a traumatic childhood which leaves him scarred for life. Or he suffers from a chronic ailment.

            May Allah grant you khair in your decisions.
            This should be put into a thread and stickied. I think it's one of the major issues young people deal with nowadays.

            And the same goes for brothers seeking out the sisters. No woman will have it all. That's why we have the hadeeth which instructs us to choose the religiously committed.

            Comment


            • #7
              All of the 'this is dunya, not jennah' advice can be quite damaging.  The sister did not indicate she is looking for anything other-worldly, she literally did not like ANYTHING in him.  Telling her that she needs to compromise is implying that she should marry him just because.  If someone gets a very bad feeling/instinct towards a proposal then I think this is from Allah swt and you should listen to it.  If anything you are not doing justice to a spouse that you don't even like.  The fact that the sister said she wants to make istikhaara and it was rebutted by both sides implies that deen is not high up on the list here.  

              Sister in the nicest possible way, as an aside you seem very centred around how you have been blessed with good looks and how you need to find someone equal in this respect.  Beauty is only skin deep, if you see a man again and feel he doesn't match up to your beauty level (how do you even measure that?) but you like him and his deen/character is good then do not hold back for this strange reason.  May Allah swt give you the best.
               

              Comment


              • #8
                Do Istikhara for guidance.

                Don't get pressured into something you do not want to do.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I am a bit confused as to why you can’t make your mind up. Seems like a bit of a no brainer to me - you are not attracted to him & you don’t like his personality... should be quite easy to turn down such a proposal...There’s no mention of deen anywhere so allahu aalum how his religion is. It seems like this is the first proposal you have received & if there is nothing in him that you like, just reject it¬†
                  https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Excessive beauty lool

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post

                      Son.

                      I'm afraid this reply is unacceptable.

                      It seems we need to refresh your training.

                      She's been considering him for 3 days for a reason. If he was a bad potential she wouldn't even consider it.
                      I don't agree at all. It's pressure from family and those around her that's making her hesitate. Not because she's undecided herself.

                      She clearly does not like him. She should do him a favor and say no instead of caving into pressure.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Hancerli2
                        There is nothing wrong in having criterias I would have kept on till the right one
                        Friend, just write everything in one post instead of spamming the thread.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Deleted.
                          Last edited by oshirowanen; 15-11-19, 02:38 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by applepiex3 View Post
                            Hi, I am in need of some advice regarding a marriage proposal.


                            Here is some background:
                            I have just turned 21 years old and I am expected to marry before I turn 25. Recently, I received a marriage proposal from a family in another country for their son.

                            The son has settled here in this country and is studying the same degree as me at another university. My father travelled to visit the boy to approve him before we took it further. He liked the boy's character and brought back photographs so my family and I could see him. I was very heavily disappointed and was not fond of his looks at all; neither was my mother and sister. On top of that, the boy doesn't want to get married for the next few years and wants to get engaged and wait. Before I was given the chance to reject, I was told to at least meet him.

                            I had 3 bad dreams the following week, which I cannot decipher at all but they were correlated to this proposal. So, I told my mother to turn this proposal down. However, literally, the next morning when she was going to call the family to reject the boy's proposal; the family told us their son is coming to meet me.

                            The boy physically came to visit a few days ago. He looked different from the photos and I told myself to get over the "looks barrier". Unfortunately, he is not the most blessed with looks and everyone I have spoken to has told me to reconsider, except my father. I am very grateful to Allah for giving me excessive beauty but now it is working against me since I have become a little greedy and want someone who is also as good looking as me. I have worked hard in ignoring very handsome men and their attempts to "win me over"; I wanted to wait for the man correct for me approved by my parents but after meeting this man - I am so disappointed. Is he seriously the one I am going to marry? Regardless, I am still mentally prepared to put looks aside.

                            He visited my house for dinner with his aunty and uncle so we can meet each other. My parents like the fact he lives alone and I wouldn't need to deal with in-laws and can spend my life in peace. After talking to him, he seemed kind with had good character but absolutely no personality. He also didn't show any ambition and dedication to take responsibility for a family - he seemed like the kind of guy who is all talk but doesn't attain much.

                            I told him I want to pray before making a decision - for which I was heavily criticised by family since it sounds like I am rejecting him. Something in my heart is telling me to wait before taking a decision. I want to pray Istikhara right now but cannot due to womanly reasons. Meanwhile, his family are waiting for a yes or no. Truth is, I don't know. But I can't tell them that.

                            It has been 3 days and I cannot make up my mind. What do I do? My heart is a little conflicted as well since this boy and his uncle accidentally started talking about their relatives who are my age with similar interests to me. I don't know how to approach this and what response to give?
                            Do not say "YES" if you have any confusion in your mind. This is a lifetime decision and therefore you should take your time to clear out your confusion about him. Keep making Ishtikhara and discuss it with your family and friends. Whatever you do, just take time. You don't wanna end up marrying the wrong guy.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by applepiex3 View Post
                              Hi, I am in need of some advice regarding a marriage proposal.


                              Here is some background:
                              I have just turned 21 years old and I am expected to marry before I turn 25.
                              ^ this is what is putting the pressure on you. You don’t like him so just say no or do istikhara and see what will happen. khair in shaa Allah.¬†

                               

                              Comment

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