Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need some advice

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need some advice

    Assalamu alaikum,

    I am looking for some advice. I am a guy and want to get married to my second cousin, our mothers are cousin sisters. Because we are close relatives, our families know each other very well and my mother and my aunt don't like each other very much and my mother has a super low opinion about my aunt and her family. I don't really visit my relatives that often and I am almost like a stranger to both my aunt and my second cousin. I hounded my mother for days about this and she was hellbent on not agreeing at all saying all sorts of things like that girl will not be good for you, they are not good people, her older sister was divorced within a year of marriage and that she has a son. About her older sister, her inlaws were way too strict and it was a bad match and it ended up not working out.

    One day, my mother randomly said that she went to my aunt's home and asked for my second cousin and she refused. A few months passed and I decided to ask another aunt of mine for help as she is very close to my second cousin. She said she would ask again on my behalf and now I came to know that my mother never spoke to my aunt about any of this and she lied to me just to shut me up, I never thought my mother would do something like this.

    I feel really sad and down right now and don't feel like doing anything and I have to go to work tomorrow. What should I do? Should I just give up and move on? Should I go out all guns blazing and try to get everyone to agree to it? Even if I wanted to try something, my aunt now knows that my mother is completely opposed to this and that even if my mother agreed, it would be because of me only. I really want to marry my second cousin as I feel I can provide her with a good life, treat her with respect and never let something happen that happened to her older sister.

    Please advise.

  • #2
    Originally posted by seadrag0n View Post
    Assalamu alaikum,

    I am looking for some advice. I am a guy and want to get married to my second cousin, our mothers are cousin sisters. Because we are close relatives, our families know each other very well and my mother and my aunt don't like each other very much and my mother has a super low opinion about my aunt and her family. I don't really visit my relatives that often and I am almost like a stranger to both my aunt and my second cousin. I hounded my mother for days about this and she was hellbent on not agreeing at all saying all sorts of things like that girl will not be good for you, they are not good people, her older sister was divorced within a year of marriage and that she has a son. About her older sister, her inlaws were way too strict and it was a bad match and it ended up not working out.

    One day, my mother randomly said that she went to my aunt's home and asked for my second cousin and she refused. A few months passed and I decided to ask another aunt of mine for help as she is very close to my second cousin. She said she would ask again on my behalf and now I came to know that my mother never spoke to my aunt about any of this and she lied to me just to shut me up, I never thought my mother would do something like this.

    I feel really sad and down right now and don't feel like doing anything and I have to go to work tomorrow. What should I do? Should I just give up and move on? Should I go out all guns blazing and try to get everyone to agree to it? Even if I wanted to try something, my aunt now knows that my mother is completely opposed to this and that even if my mother agreed, it would be because of me only. I really want to marry my second cousin as I feel I can provide her with a good life, treat her with respect and never let something happen that happened to her older sister.

    Please advise.
    If you want to get married to each other then that is both of your rights.

    But you have to look at the bigger picture. You want to give her a good life and won't let something happen to her like her older sister, but one of the main causes of conflict and eventually divorce is outside intervention. Don't think you will be an exception or have false hopes that everything will go well because your case is different. Don't make that mistake.

    So realize and accept the potential drama and conflict you will have to face by putting yourself in the middle of the two families with marrying your second cousin. Also realize the potential strain it will have on your marriage. Do you honestly think your mom will treat her well? Do you think if she gets mistreated by your mom (your mom already sees her as "second class" - if I understood correctly) will your wife will stand for it?

    Lastly, seek advice from people you trust and from married people. Don't follow your heart but use your mind and ask Allah for guidance. If it is good for you and Allah has willed it, it will happen. If not, then don't get caught up with it and don't let the Shaytan cause you to feel sad or hopeless.

    Comment


    • #3
      Why are you so bent upon marrying this particular sister ?

      I don't know if it's your mother's motherly concern or her personal grudge, but if she strongly thinks she won't be a good wife for you, then you should respect her wishes.

      Why do you unnecessarily want to upset your mother over some random girl ? Even if you do manage to marry her by hook or by crook, the home atmosphere won't be very friendly as she won't be fully accepted or integrated into the family. All her actions will be scrutinized and her littlest mistakes will be blown out of proportion. You will go crazy trying to strike a perfect balance between being a dutiful son and a supportive husband.

      Ask your mother to choose a woman who she feels will be appropriate for you . Give her a chance to get involved. If you feel you don't like her choice of wife, you can reject the girl.


      Comment


      • #4
        Wa-Alaikum Salaam

        Your mum could love her and vice versa or it could get worse and you will be torn.

        Ask your mum to check for you and than go with how you feel with whom she shows you.

        Pray to Allah for guidance and for what is best.

        Comment


        • #5
          If you analyse the situation, look at what has already happened.

          You feel disappointed with your mother. Already some friction.
          You are feeling very sad and depressed. Already effecting you mentally.

          All over a girl that you don't even know. Don't get obsessed over her.

          You are unable to control this attachment and desire (or infatuation, you probably saw her and started fancying her).

          You have tried to get your mum involved but it's clear she doesn't agree.

          Not a great starting point for this 'proposal'.

          ​​​​Will you be able to provide separate accommodation for her if your mum agreed to it?

          There is no way the cousin can live with a mother in law who isn't keen on her. In law problems are common by the way and even the best and strong men struggle to balance this.

          You feel down now, how will you react in a situation where you have to keep the peace between two women. It seems you are quite sensitive (and young) remember to take everything into account when you make decisions.

          ​​​​​​Be realistic brother, and as already stated in the above posts, don't follow your heart, use your head. I know this might be difficult but it is only for your own well being.

          Don't make promises like the ones you made in your post.

          We only know what marriage is when we are married.
          It's not a walk down the park.

          Think about it and don't be hasty. Pray isthikaara.

          I personally would have said to drop it, it's too much unnecessary drama. There are beautiful girls elsewhere (sorry, I'm assuming that is the reason why you are so adamant about her). In Sha Allah you will find someone

          Don't despair, we learn from these experiences

          May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen
          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Seems like too much drama. I would advise against it.

            Comment


            • #7
              If what a son wants in a wife and what his mother wants in a daughter in law are way too different, then there's no scenario where there won't be any conflict. Either he marries a girl that she chooses and is unhappy, or he marries a girl that he chooses and she's upset.

              Comment


              • #8
                Wa'alaykumasalaam

                Bro if this girl is a stranger to you and you have no real attachment to her. Then I recommend giving it a miss. As others have mentioned there is just too much conflict there. You don't even know if she will accept. 

                Do istikhara and then if things become easier, go through with it. If things become harder then call it quits. 

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                  If you analyse the situation, look at what has already happened.

                  You feel disappointed with your mother. Already some friction.
                  You are feeling very sad and depressed. Already effecting you mentally.

                  All over a girl that you don't even know. Don't get obsessed over her.

                  You are unable to control this attachment and desire (or infatuation, you probably saw her and started fancying her).

                  You have tried to get your mum involved but it's clear she doesn't agree.

                  Not a great starting point for this 'proposal'.

                  ​​​​Will you be able to provide separate accommodation for her if your mum agreed to it?

                  There is no way the cousin can live with a mother in law who isn't keen on her. In law problems are common by the way and even the best and strong men struggle to balance this.

                  You feel down now, how will you react in a situation where you have to keep the peace between two women. It seems you are quite sensitive (and young) remember to take everything into account when you make decisions.

                  ​​​​​​Be realistic brother, and as already stated in the above posts, don't follow your heart, use your head. I know this might be difficult but it is only for your own well being.

                  Don't make promises like the ones you made in your post.

                  We only know what marriage is when we are married.
                  It's not a walk down the park.

                  Think about it and don't be hasty. Pray isthikaara.

                  I personally would have said to drop it, it's too much unnecessary drama. There are beautiful girls elsewhere (sorry, I'm assuming that is the reason why you are so adamant about her). In Sha Allah you will find someone

                  Don't despair, we learn from these experiences

                  May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen
                  You nailed it, damn! Your assumptions are 100% correct except the young part, I will be 30 years old next month. The reason I did not get married till now is that I don't feel ready to take on the responsibility of a marriage and my cousin is still studying so I thought I would have some time to prepare myself. Like you mentioned, my cousin is extremely beautiful, I have seen many "beautiful" girls but she stands out quite a lot even amongst them. I met her for the first time a few months back during one my family functions. I tried to talk to her then but she was super shy and didn't talk to me, she had a hard time even looking at me, this left a big impression on me. Before I met her, my mother was also interested and asked her about what she was studying and some general things like that. When I first brought this up, my mother initially agreed but after a few days, she completely changed her stance which is why I feel sad.

                  Like others have mentioned, I think the best way forward is to drop this whole thing and move on but I am not sure what I will do.



                  Comment


                  • #10
                    salaams to all

                    the main point was raised above- can u provide separate accommodation for your wife?
                    if u can, then its possible to pursue marrying her, if u cant then ensure that you find someone who will be able to get along with your mother.
                    irrespective of who you marry, its always best to have a separate accommodation- saves a LOT of problems.

                    and Allah ta'ala knows best
                    jazakallah
                    Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
                    very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by msmoorad View Post
                      salaams to all

                      the main point was raised above- can u provide separate accommodation for your wife?
                      if u can, then its possible to pursue marrying her, if u cant then ensure that you find someone who will be able to get along with your mother.
                      irrespective of who you marry, its always best to have a separate accommodation- saves a LOT of problems.

                      and Allah ta'ala knows best
                      jazakallah
                      If you are asking can I afford separate accommodation then the answer is yes, without any problems. What good am I if I can't even do this much.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        In your situation, I don't see the point of damaging your relationship with your mother over this cousin. There are many pretty girls out there to choose from. Also, while physical attraction is important, make sure your spouse has other desirable qualities and is compatible with you as well.
                        Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

                        None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

                        Comment

                        Working...
                        X