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  • Should I leave him

    I am 46 and have been married for 27 years. It was an arranged marriage, I didn’t choose him and neither was I attracted to him . It was the norm in the 90s we just did what our parents asked us to do. I have two children one is 22 and one is 9 (both boys). my husband is from Pakistan and I am born and bred in the uk. We have had issues in the past , as he thinks I’m too modern for him? My clothes , mindset etc. However I do not drink, go out clubbing or any other activity - I cover my body , however I wear close fitting clothes sometimes.¬†
    Anyway the issue is he is more like a dad in the house and has controlled me all these years to some extent. I havnt done anything in my life (career wise) because he hasn’t let me. I have had no social life as I was brought up for it to be wrong. i do have everything, life’s luxuries, car money a nice house etc etc but I’m not happy with him as I’m not in love with him and can’t stand sleeping with him. He kind of knows this and has just ignored it. I don’t have any of my needs met and he’s not the type of husband to take me out or go on holiday together as I can’t even bear him to touch me. We can’t even have a proper stimulating conversation as we have language barriers. I can’t express myself in Urdu as well as I can in English. I don’t tell him my problems or share anything with him as he thinks my issues are not important. I am thinking of leaving him and just wanted some advice ? Do I live with the fact that I have a cOmfortable lifestyle and I should just deal with it and stay where I am as I don’t have a valid enough reason to leave him? Or do I leave him on the grounds that I am not happy and none of my needs are being met? I want to be happy- genuinely happy with my choice of person. What are your thoughts?¬†

  • #2
    Midlife crisis?

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    • #3
      Iv felt this most of my life tho? But I was made to feel that I should please everyone need of my husbands? Iv only just realised that he’s been mentally abusing me, the things and put downs that I have been receiving from him most of my life? Like I can’t take it anymore?¬†

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      • #4
        How are you both - religion wise?

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        • #5
          I pray when I can .. (sorry but it’s not regular) and he just prays fridays?

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          • #6
            whether you leave him or not I don't think you will find the peace and happiness you desire. There is a void inside you that needs to be filled..by a more attractive, romantic and like minded man you may feel. But..if we analyse (sorry Dr Naik!) the situation of the, by and large, godless people living around us in the UK, they are also hopping in and out of relationships, illicit or otherwise, seeking the same fulfillment but never finding it. First I would say to focus on building the relationship between yourself and your creator. Once that is established, you will be able to see your relationship with your husband in its proper perspective. Then you will be in a much better position to answer the question "should i leave him?"
            Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worldís ending!

            None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.Ē

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            • #7
              Better to talk to him, clear things to him , people can be talked to most of times.

              Make dua in tahajjud
              قُلْنَا يَا نَارُ كُونِي بَرْدًا وَسَلَامًا عَلَىٰ إِبْرَاهِيمَ - 21:69

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              • #8
                Yeah and some sadaqah to solve your problem
                قُلْنَا يَا نَارُ كُونِي بَرْدًا وَسَلَامًا عَلَىٰ إِبْرَاهِيمَ - 21:69

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                • #9
                  This is really sad. 27 years with someone you find repulsive.

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                  • #10
                    I think you need to take a break for a few days. Away from your husband, away from your comfortable life so that you can look deep within and introspect what you're lacking and where you're going wrong.

                    The wealth and luxuries you are enjoying now belong to your husband - if you leave him, he can easily find a replacement in your place - he can attract even a woman 20 years your junior - because women look for success and stability which he can offer .

                    But what about yourself ? What do you , a 46 year old mother of 2 have to offer that will interest another man in wanting you enough to marry you ? Beware of befriending men who promise lots of romance and excitement - they're just looking for brief flings - they will use you and throw you once they find someone better.

                    True happiness and sukoon is only found in remembering Allah, so, get closer to Allah and brush up on your deen. Begin implementing the laws of Allah and Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam in your life. The emptiness and void in your soul shall soon be filled. You will realise your life is much, much better than millions of people around the globe.

                    Plan an Umrah trip with your husband. Instead of giving up on him, try to find ways to revitalize your marriage. Happiness is actually within us, but most people never find it cos they're busy seeking it elsewhere.

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                    • #11
                      There are two issues here and I think you need to keep them separate:

                      1. You do not like your husband and he does not meet your needs.  

                      2.  You wish to seek someone of your choice that you will love and he will love you in return.


                      Bear in mind that divorcing your husband does not necessarily mean that you will solve #2.  You are a mature woman with children, you claim to not have enough time to establish your prayers regularly, so you need to be realistic about finding 'Mr Right'.  Marriage is not a fairy tale for anyone (although many of us dream) but equally you are not required Islamically to be with someone that you find repulsive.  The sahaaba got divorced for less.  As a nother however I think you need to put yourself secondary for now as you still have a young child.  If you were to leave your husband, would you intend to take your child with you?  Can you provide a home for yourself and child?  You would essentially be turning your child's upside down for something that you may never find.  Is your husband a good father?  

                      First and foremost you need to prioritise your relationship with your Lord.  Make istikhara and the way will become clear to you.  








                       

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        This is really sad. 27 years with someone you find repulsive.
                        Often what happens is, that when you can't find a "real" flaw, you tend to find something small and magnify it. He may not even be repulsive, but an excuse is needed to leave him.


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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Eagleeye View Post
                          I pray when I can .. (sorry but it’s not regular) and he just prays fridays?
                          Honest advice - don't seek for "better" because "better" doesn't exist. You've stayed with him for 27 years. You have a comfortable lifestyle. You have two children.

                          Establish your prayer consistently. That's what you need in your life, not a different man.

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                          • #14
                            You could go out into the world and leave him. You could pursue this career that you wanted. But you're going to find life is a lot harder and careers aren't all what they're made out to be and you'll end up having less money and downgrade from your current luxury lifestyle too. You both have been married for 27 years but noone has overcome the language barrier? Sister it is quite to learn a language fluently in 1-2 years nevermind 27 years. More effort needs to be put into this by both of you because language is something you can easily overcome. Some of these problems you mention can be practically resolved.

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                            • #15
                              The grass is never greener on the other side.
                              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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