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  • Wife's problem with In-Laws

    Assalamu alaikum,

    We live in the west and my parents back in my home country. At the beginning of our marriage, my wife was upset & hurt with my mother on some issues. Well, things happened between them several months ago and after some time she made everything normal with my mother over the phone.

    But the problem is a few days ago she again brought up old issues and accused my parents directly. Her reason behind this is that she says she has not healed from those past issues and she will continue to behave like this and bring those up if my mother doesn't seek forgiveness to her.

    My point is everything was going fine, a good relationship was continuing between my parents and my wife. Few others think my mother didn't do any wrong, it is just a different perspective and point of view. Then is it Islamically correct for her to bring up past issues again for the sake of this reason that she has not healed and my mother should seek forgiveness to her? Is it Islamically right for her to openly speak ill about my parents in front of me?

    Please advise.

  • #2
    Wa alaikum assalam,

    I think in general you have a wife problem.  However, sometimes someone's past behaviour is not so easy to sweep under the carpet.  I would listen to your wife's perspective and take on board how she feels.  Was there really an issue?  Is this something that you need to speak to your mum about?  Only you will know this, but don't assume because your wife was friendly that the matter is forgotten about.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by UmmAbdullah86 View Post
      Wa alaikum assalam,

      I think in general you have a wife problem. However, sometimes someone's past behaviour is not so easy to sweep under the carpet. I would listen to your wife's perspective and take on board how she feels. Was there really an issue? Is this something that you need to speak to your mum about? Only you will know this, but don't assume because your wife was friendly that the matter is forgotten about.
      I already spoke about this with my wife & parents several times. They don't understand why she is accusing them like this where everything became normal again. I feel that she is overreacting too much and demanding forgiveness from my mother suddenly. It is me who is suffering from this situation where I want everything to be peaceful.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Muslim Traveler View Post
        Then is it Islamically correct for her to bring up past issues again for the sake of this reason that she has not healed and my mother should seek forgiveness to her? Is it Islamically right for her to openly speak ill about my parents in front of me?
        The real question is how concerned is your wife about what is "Islamically right"? Is she doing these things in the name of Islam? What will happen if you tell her she's sinful or disobedient; will she immediately repent and make amends? Or is she not too concerned about what is "Islamically right" in the first place?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post
          The real question is how concerned is your wife about what is "Islamically right"? Is she doing these things in the name of Islam? What will happen if you tell her she's sinful or disobedient; will she immediately repent and make amends? Or is she not too concerned about what is "Islamically right" in the first place?
          I told her what she is doing is not Islamically right. but she does not listen to me. She keeps thinking about her own way and does what she thinks is right. She thinks I am too obedient and blinded towards my parents.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Muslim Traveler View Post
            I told her what she is doing is not Islamically right. but she does not listen to me. She keeps thinking about her own way and does what she thinks is right. She thinks I am too obedient and blinded towards my parents.
            Allahu'l Musta'an. In Islam a man's obligation is first towards his mother and a wife's obligation is first towards her husband.

            This is the problem when you don't prioritize Deen/Taqwa when you get married.

            The Prophet said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Bukhari]

            I think you should be more stern with her. Stop advising her and start commanding her. Don't sleep with her in the same bed and threaten to divorce her if she doesn't obey you.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post

              Allahu'l Musta'an. In Islam a man's obligation is first towards his mother and a wife's obligation is first towards her husband.

              This is the problem when you don't prioritize Deen/Taqwa when you get married.

              The Prophet said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Bukhari]

              I think you should be more stern with her. Stop advising her and start commanding her. Don't sleep with her in the same bed and threaten to divorce her if she doesn't obey you.
              I do not like to threaten someone. But the thing is, it is She who threatens of divorcing me whenever this issues come up.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Muslim Traveler View Post

                I do not like to threaten someone. But the thing is, it is She who threatens of divorcing me whenever this issues come up.
                Your wife wears the pants in your relationship. May Allah help you.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Muslim Traveler View Post
                  Assalamu alaikum,

                  We live in the west and my parents back in my home country. At the beginning of our marriage, my wife was upset & hurt with my mother on some issues. Well, things happened between them several months ago and after some time she made everything normal with my mother over the phone.

                  But the problem is a few days ago she again brought up old issues and accused my parents directly. Her reason behind this is that she says she has not healed from those past issues and she will continue to behave like this and bring those up if my mother doesn't seek forgiveness to her.

                  My point is everything was going fine, a good relationship was continuing between my parents and my wife. Few others think my mother didn't do any wrong, it is just a different perspective and point of view. Then is it Islamically correct for her to bring up past issues again for the sake of this reason that she has not healed and my mother should seek forgiveness to her? Is it Islamically right for her to openly speak ill about my parents in front of me?

                  Please advise.
                  وعليكم السلام والرحمة الله وبركاته

                  No its not right for her to backbite your parents in front of you or behind your back. Looks like she has a grudge and possibly an ego problem. Since she brought up old issues after it was resolved.

                  As for who was right or wrong in the original issue, you would have to tell us what both parties did.

                  جزاك الله خيرا
                  http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                  "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                  Imam al-Shafii (Rahimahullah)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Muslim Traveler View Post
                    I told her what she is doing is not Islamically right. but she does not listen to me. She keeps thinking about her own way and does what she thinks is right. She thinks I am too obedient and blinded towards my parents.
                    This is a clear indication of a Ego problem. Appoint an arbiter from both sides, and try and resolve the problem, if you need to ask an Alim for further advice.
                    http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                    "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                    Imam al-Shafii (Rahimahullah)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by AmantuBillahi View Post

                      Your wife wears the pants in your relationship. May Allah help you.
                      آمين يا رب العالمين
                      http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                      "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                      Imam al-Shafii (Rahimahullah)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Muslim Traveler View Post

                        I do not like to threaten someone. But the thing is, it is She who threatens of divorcing me whenever this issues come up.
                        Akhi you need to man up and not tolerate threats from your wife, your supposed to be the shepherd of the house, not the sheep.
                        http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                        "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                        Imam al-Shafii (Rahimahullah)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Women always bring up past issues during arguments. That's something you'll have to learn to deal with.

                          It's not like if you tell your wife something isn't Islamically correct, she will tell you "Thank You. If it wasn't for your guidance, I would definitely have gone to Jahannam" and strictly implement that advice.

                          As much as men like, wives are not going to be controlled by a remote who'll strictly follow the path of siraat al mustaqeem.

                          Just ignore the little ups and downs and don't take them to heart.

                          And it's definitely NOT okay for her to speak ill of your parents in front of you or behind your back. Nor is it okay for her to interfere in your relationship with them. As a son, you should be obedient to them, call and visit them regularly, take care of all their needs, fulfill their wishes etc.

                          Be thankful your parents and your wife do not live together and make sure they don't in the future as well. If they don't see eye to eye on some issues, let it go. The more you try to play peacemaker, the more you'll drive yourself crazy. Time is the best healer.

                          Learn to strike a balance. Remind your wife that you don't expect anything from her regarding your parents except that she treat them with respect and courtesy. Then, drop the issue if it's causing issues in your relationship. Dragging it back and forth will only create further misunderstandings and resentment.

                          Having said that, never ever forget your own obligations towards your parents just to keep your wife happy.

                          And, divorce threats by any party in a marriage is a big No-No. It sends out the message that they can cope very well without you, which is a red flag.

                          ​​​​​​A marriage is not a battlefield. If you cannot win over your spouse through love, then you will never be able to do so even with a sword.





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                          • #14
                            More drama?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post
                              More drama?
                              Seems like the wife is acting up.

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