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Marriage dillema

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  • Marriage dillema

    Assalamu alaikum. Everyone.
    I am considering a marriage proposal with a 41 year old woman. I myself am 33 years of age (going to be 34 soon). This woman has 2 kids aged 14 n 17 from her previous marriage.
    I have one daughter but she isn't staying with me. Both our previous marriages broke because of religious incompatibility.
    I have spoken to her and Alhamdulillah she has the best of manners. I have never ever seen such akhlaq in any other woman. We both share the same visions. Reading tahajjud together etc and reading/hifz of Quran while holding hands. This woman has literally raised the bar for every other prospect. I have nothing but praises for such kind of women.
    I have only one concern. Since she has had 2 pregnancies before via C-section there is a chance she might not have children and also considering the fact that she is 7 years older than me. There is a good chance I might not have children with her and I really want kids bcoz my daughter was taken away from me. I am willing to take care of her 2 sons ... Alhamdulillah Allah has provided me with good money. Is it haram or makhrooh to marry her if I won't have children. I mean this woman has a lot of plusses with regard to her Deen and character. I can see her inner beauty and I know that we will together strive for jannah.

  • #2
    Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
    Assalamu alaikum. Everyone.
    I am considering a marriage proposal with a 41 year old woman. I myself am 33 years of age (going to be 34 soon). This woman has 2 kids aged 14 n 17 from her previous marriage.
    I have one daughter but she isn't staying with me. Both our previous marriages broke because of religious incompatibility.
    I have spoken to her and Alhamdulillah she has the best of manners. I have never ever seen such akhlaq in any other woman. We both share the same visions. Reading tahajjud together etc and reading/hifz of Quran while holding hands. This woman has literally raised the bar for every other prospect. I have nothing but praises for such kind of women.
    I have only one concern. Since she has had 2 pregnancies before via C-section there is a chance she might not have children and also considering the fact that she is 7 years older than me. There is a good chance I might not have children with her and I really want kids bcoz my daughter was taken away from me. I am willing to take care of her 2 sons ... Alhamdulillah Allah has provided me with good money. Is it haram or makhrooh to marry her if I won't have children. I mean this woman has a lot of plusses with regard to her Deen and character. I can see her inner beauty and I know that we will together strive for jannah.
    Assalamo alaikum brother

    I'm not being goady but that 'vision' is a very odd one and sounds like something a 14 year old would say. When you marry someone when there are children in the picture your visions need to be much, much wider with the realiztion that you are both going to need to be very patient and make lots of sacrifices. Her children are mid/late teens, they have an established life with their mother so it will be very difficult for you to come and and be the head of the household so to speak.

    Why would it be haram or makrooh to marry her if she doesn't have children? No one knows what their fertility is like until after marriage. At 41 she may have another one or two but time is not on her side obviously. Two c/s' are not a problem in itself. If you feel she has raised the bar so high then make istikhara and go ahead, but be prepared for a gradual transition into family life and be very aware that you are more than likely going to have to fit into their live rather than the other way around.

    May Allah swt give you the best.

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    • #3
      Lol. Never change, UF.

      No, there is nothing to indicate that it is haraam or makrooh.

      Also, this is off topic, but it's really sad that your daughter was "taken" from you. I'm sorry to hear that. Where's the Islam in this?
      Last edited by Stoic Believer; 10-10-19, 02:34 PM.

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      • #4
        UmmAbdullah86
        My previous marriage was really a disaster.
        I have learnt lessons of life the hard way.
        ive had false cases of domestic violence etc on me. I just want a deeni muslimah as my wife and I'll make her the happiest.
        Allah will bring blessings. I felt this sister is so humble and she deserves all the love as compared to ant other type of woman.
        ​​​​​

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
          UmmAbdullah86
          My previous marriage was really a disaster.
          I have learnt lessons of life the hard way.
          ive had false cases of domestic violence etc on me. I just want a deeni muslimah as my wife and I'll make her the happiest.
          Allah will bring blessings. I felt this sister is so humble and she deserves all the love as compared to ant other type of woman.
          ​​​​​
          May Allah swt give you and her the best. As there are children involved, try to approach this with your head rather than your heart. It is possible to live successfully in a blended family situation but it requires a lot of consideration, understanding and sacrifices on the adults' part.

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          • #6
            Just be completely honest with her that you really want kids, and discuss what would be the options if she is unable/unwilling to have any more e.g. take a second wife or part ways. If she accepts these options and still wants to go ahead then it's all good I think. (If yr in the west she will take half your stuff anyway if it goes wrong lol)
            Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the world’s ending!

            None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

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            • #7
              Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters! I hope you are fine Alhamdulillah.

              I'm also fine Alhamdulillah


              Comment


              • #8
                The Shariah hasn't set any age limits for marriage. Rasoolullah sallalahu alayhi wa sallalam married Khadija radiyallahu anha when he was 25 and she was 40 and all his kids except one were from her.

                Undoubtedly, you must be aware that a woman has chances of conceiving naturally till she gets her menstrual periods but, after a certain age, a woman's fertility starts to decline , so, her chances of conceiving naturally also decline sharply.

                If Allah wills, He can certainly bless you with kids naturally, but at the same time, you must also be realistic that few women over 40 are able to conceive naturally.

                Doctors generally recommend trying for 6 months when a woman aged over 35 wants to get pregnant. After that, consulting an infertility specialist is recommended who'll advise the couple accordingly.

                With advancements in medicine, plenty of assisted reproductive techniques like IUI and IVF are available.

                Then again, the success of her conceiving using those methods also depends on many other factors , one being her ovarian reserve - which again differs from woman to woman. Some women may have a good ovarian reserve at 40, while some may not even in their late 20's.

                So, it's upto you to decide how badly you want your own kids. You know her age, so you'll have to be sensitive of her circumstances and not put undue pressure on her because she has no control over this matter.

                And, also be prepared to face the worst scenario - if you both do not have your own kids, would she still be worth staying a lifetime with and loved and cherished nonethless or would you want to replace her with a younger wife who will provide you with your desired heirs .

                Think carefully before making any decision.

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