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Family wants us to date before marriage.what!?

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  • Family wants us to date before marriage.what!?

    Salam aleikom,
    I have a serious situation. I am a 24 year old muslim woman who was dating this man for a while but we became religious him and i and we decided to stop dating and to tell our families that we want to marry ( just the halal and papers first, the house and party we wanted to be halal so we can go out and prepare freely). At first my family agreed and we fixated a date. I live in canada and my father is back home but he gave permission to my mother side uncles ( they're my only family in canada) to represent him, which they refused last minute because they thought me and my fiance were going too fast, and when my father heard, him and all my family said oh well that's fine you guys can go out and talk and prepare for the wedding next year.
    His family support whatever situation he is in, they wanted us to do the halal since they're more religious than my family but since my family didn't want to continue, they had no choice but to wait too.¬*
    before i told my family about marrying this man, me and him were restricting ourselves from talking and it was really really hard. We were also trying our best to only go out when its for something important that involves us. And it was reallyyy hard. I also was and still am dealing with mental health because before i got religious i got a panic attack and i felt like i was about to die, and since then i have been trying my best to do everything god asked us to do.¬*
    Me and him really reallyy tried our best to make our nikkah happen, which was supposed to happen this month, but we just couldn't.
    What can a muslim woman do when she wants to get married but her family encourages and forces her to date first because she is not "ready" enough for marriage in their eyes?¬*

  • #2
    Originally posted by chirine View Post
    Salam aleikom,
    What can a muslim woman do when she wants to get married but her family encourages and forces her to date first because she is not "ready" enough for marriage in their eyes?¬*
    Wa alaykum assalam sis. Alhamdulillah, it is very good that you guys are doing it the halal way now. You should definitely not date him even if you family is encouraging you to do so. And what do you mean by 'dating' exactly? If your parents want you to get to know him more, your families can arrange halal meetings..

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post

      Wa alaykum assalam sis. Alhamdulillah, it is very good that you guys are doing it the halal way now. You should definitely not date him even if you family is encouraging you to do so. And what do you mean by 'dating' exactly? If your parents want you to get to know him more, your families can arrange halal meetings..
      Thank you for your response ! And well for my family it would be if me and him want to go out to eat we can, since theyre aware of it. If he wants to call me to ask how am doing and vice versa, thats okay. He can come over so my family can get to know him, he can bring his mother if he wants so she can hang with my mother and get to know her too. His family although they are religious they really want him to bring me over to their house once in a while just to keep the "relationship" going smoothly until we marry. Basically we hang out with family supervision. And if we want to hang out outside thats fine too because the family knows and trusts us. But we are not comfortable with it, but at the same time its really really hard for us to wait a whole extra year before being halal, and the physical stuffs are not our issue. We wanted to be halal just to talk and go out and enjoy eachothers company. We were so close to do it this month and now we have to wait. Its really hard.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by chirine View Post
        Basically we hang out with family supervision. And if we want to hang out outside thats fine too because the family knows and trusts us. But we are not comfortable with it, but at the same time its really really hard for us to wait a whole extra year before being halal, and the physical stuffs are not our issue. We wanted to be halal just to talk and go out and enjoy eachothers company. We were so close to do it this month and now we have to wait. Its really hard.
        It is good that you are getting to know each other with family supervision. With regards to going outside alone, that is not allowed. It has nothing to do with trust. Even if you both are good people who fear Allah, and your families are okay with it, that doesn't make it halal. What's your ethnicity, if you don't mind me asking..And why do your parents think, you aren't ready for marriage?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post

          It is good that you are getting to know each other with family supervision. With regards to going outside alone, that is not allowed. It has nothing to do with trust. Even if you both are good people who fear Allah, and your families are okay with it, that doesn't make it halal. What's your ethnicity, if you don't mind me asking..And why do your parents think, you aren't ready for marriage?
          I am north african, algeria. My family since they are not religious, they follow a process of marriage : "date" the person, as in go out and get to know them, no need for a 3rd person. Then when you guys decide to get married, first you need a career job then you need a place to live then you go get your legal marriage papers, then¬* you have to throw a big wedding and only on the day of the wedding you do the religious ceremony (with the imam), not before because ( its not that important, whats more important is legal papers jobs and houses). And since i am the only religious one in the family, its weighting hard on me because i try to do the right thing and i have no support, on the contrary i get obstacles rejections and objections from my family. They are even against hijab but thats another story.¬*

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post

            And why do your parents think, you aren't ready for marriage?
            i forgot to answer that part, like i mentionned above, since my family follows a specific path and dont believe in the halal, if one thing is missing from that path then it means youre not ready. But allah never gave specific conditions to get marries because those things you do not control. You go to work and when you find a better position you take it. You can easilly find a place to live in as long as you are making a steady income. And big weddings are just extra. Whats the most important is being lawful infront of allah. So since we dont have enough money for the big wedding yet and didnt get place yet it means were not ready to my family.
            ¬*

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            • #7
              Originally posted by chirine View Post
              ..So since we dont have enough money for the big wedding yet and didnt get place yet it means were not ready to my family.
              Hmm .. have you no brothers or other male relatives living in Canada? If so, can't you get them involved?
              He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters - Psalms

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              • #8
                Parents not agreeing to marriage until certain material conditions are met is common among a lot of muslim communities. Just because your family have a relaxed attitude on dating, it does not mean that you have to do it if you know better. Just carry on with the supervised meetings if you wish and don't meet up alone until hopefully you get the green light for the nikkah.
                Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worldís ending!

                None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.Ē

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by isa_muhammad View Post

                  Hmm .. have you no brothers or other male relatives living in Canada? If so, can't you get them involved?
                  Unfortunately i do not have anyone. I am an only child and i only have my two maternal uncles here. We all agreed to wait until next year, i really did try my best but nobody wanted to do it for my reasons (halal) since they dont think its a big deal and my father insisted on waiting for him so he can be the one doing it. Its a tough situation inshallah we can make it happen as soon as possible.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Eorlingas View Post
                    Parents not agreeing to marriage until certain material conditions are met is common among a lot of muslim communities. Just because your family have a relaxed attitude on dating, it does not mean that you have to do it if you know better. Just carry on with the supervised meetings if you wish and don't meet up alone until hopefully you get the green light for the nikkah.
                    Inshallah it will be easy for us because we were really crushed and sad about the postponing so sometimes we wanted to just go grab a bite somewhere and have a light conversation but we will try our best to avoid that and stick with supervised meetings.

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