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  • Is this normal

    My husband often and by often i mean alot of times has asked me to focus on myself. He in other words does not like me showing concern/affection about/towards him. If he is away such as to vist overseas etc he will usually only call to discuss something important he never really calls just because is this normal? He usually doesnot like it if i call just to tak either he will divert the conversations towards my education etc towards something productive and usually end the conversation. I find this behaviour abnormal for a husband i would think he would crave talking to me and would want to just chat. I find him incredibly mature and someone who is very emotionally guarded like everything he does is very calculated. As a wife i feel i shd be able to just call send random messages etc but i feel i cant do that as he will judge as is bieng childish lonesome and needy i dont see how as i would assume i dont discuss this with other people but other couples do flirt and share feelings with another and think it is perfectly acceptable and okay. Am i silly and Is his behaviour normal?

  • #2
    He might be someone who doesn't like small talk. In other words, an introvert.

    "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

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    • #3
      Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
      He might be someone who doesn't like small talk. In other words, an introvert.
      No he is an extrovert and very social this is something he is prouud of but even then maybe he does not like small talk.

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      • #4
        Completely normal.

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        • #5
          Is he your friend?¬*

          ¬*

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          • #6
            Originally posted by auser View Post
            My husband often and by often i mean alot of times has asked me to focus on myself. He in other words does not like me showing concern/affection about/towards him. If he is away such as to vist overseas etc he will usually only call to discuss something important he never really calls just because is this normal? He usually doesnot like it if i call just to tak either he will divert the conversations towards my education etc towards something productive and usually end the conversation. I find this behaviour abnormal for a husband i would think he would crave talking to me and would want to just chat. I find him incredibly mature and someone who is very emotionally guarded like everything he does is very calculated. As a wife i feel i shd be able to just call send random messages etc but i feel i cant do that as he will judge as is bieng childish lonesome and needy i dont see how as i would assume i dont discuss this with other people but other couples do flirt and share feelings with another and think it is perfectly acceptable and okay. Am i silly and Is his behaviour normal?
            Everyone is different. From that perspective, this is normal. Everyone has a different outlook on Marriage, and it seems his outlook on marriage is different than yours. Ideally in a marriage situation, you would want to have the same outlook, which is difficult in Islam as getting to know someone's personality before marriage is usually not done, which sometimes creates your scenario, i.e. 2 people getting married who have different outlooks on life and marriage.

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            • #7
              Aren't you newlyweds? I wouldn't call this normal.

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              • #8
                you previously wrote about how your in laws are obsessed with money and working

                DON'T GET PUSHED AROUND.

                I told you a million times sister, you are not some bandee

                come on sis, we have sisters coming from abroad that teach their in laws a damn lesson or two because the in laws and
                husband think they can mess about. I know you can be assertive in a respectful way, just have some strength in yourself

                Your marriage was based on something else, you know it but you are indenial and you have on more than one occasion posted about this marriage that is definitely not based on mutual attraction or love.

                you go on about a stupid degree as though that's what makes you who you are, you are not worthless and stop calling yourself immature. I remember you said how obsessed they are with status and money, they want you to work.

                DON'T CALL HIM.

                He doesn't want the affection don't give it to him lol

                I think you need to work on your self worth, love yourself and embrace what you have and stop seeking validation from this so called husband. Do your normal duties that you're supposed to, don't do anything wrong. Just don't be desperate.

                Train yourself up to be a bit stronger and observe his behaviour.

                Yes FOR SOME MEN, this is very normal, they're not the mushy/clingy type, but from what you have written previously about this marriage this guy doesn't seem interested

                CORRECT ME if i'm wrong.


                it is natural to want some romance, or affection from the spouse but your situation is a bit complicated.

                I told you to speak to him about this but the he doesn't even want to talk about it


                let him do the work if he wants you as his companion



                Let me know how it goes





                'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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                • #9
                  I only message my husband when I need his credit card

                  priorities

                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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                  • #10
                    Disclaimer:

                    I'm kiddin

                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                      Is he your friend?¬*

                      ¬*
                      what do you mean by this? that he would be talking more if he was a friend?

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                        you previously wrote about how your in laws are obsessed with money and working

                        DON'T GET PUSHED AROUND.

                        I told you a million times sister, you are not some bandee

                        come on sis, we have sisters coming from abroad that teach their in laws a damn lesson or two because the in laws and
                        husband think they can mess about. I know you can be assertive in a respectful way, just have some strength in yourself

                        Your marriage was based on something else, you know it but you are indenial and you have on more than one occasion posted about this marriage that is definitely not based on mutual attraction or love.

                        you go on about a stupid degree as though that's what makes you who you are, you are not worthless and stop calling yourself immature. I remember you said how obsessed they are with status and money, they want you to work.

                        DON'T CALL HIM.

                        He doesn't want the affection don't give it to him lol

                        I think you need to work on your self worth, love yourself and embrace what you have and stop seeking validation from this so called husband. Do your normal duties that you're supposed to, don't do anything wrong. Just don't be desperate.

                        Train yourself up to be a bit stronger and observe his behaviour.

                        Yes FOR SOME MEN, this is very normal, they're not the mushy/clingy type, but from what you have written previously about this marriage this guy doesn't seem interested

                        CORRECT ME if i'm wrong.


                        it is natural to want some romance, or affection from the spouse but your situation is a bit complicated.

                        I told you to speak to him about this but the he doesn't even want to talk about it


                        let him do the work if he wants you as his companion



                        Let me know how it goes




                        how do i become assertive in a respectful way? its not like he does nothing overall he would probably be considered okay for a husband although i find this habit of his weird. some people are a bit superficial , arranged marriages are usually based on things, is there a chance this could turn into love or understanding?
                        Last edited by auser; 13-08-19, 11:01 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by auser View Post

                          how do i become assertive in a respectful way? its not like he does nothing overall he would probably be considered okay for a husband although i find this habit of his weird. some people are a bit superficial , arranged marriages are usually based on things, is there a chance this could turn into love or understanding?
                          ​​​​​​Do you have husband and wife relations?

                          This is something you need to establish first. If that isn't there then this is serious.

                          You can PM me or any other sisters regarding this.

                          Be respectful to him, be confident and don't doubt yourself.

                          When people see you lacking
                          ​​​​​​ confidence they feel more empowered to push you.

                          ​​​​​Don't message him or call him.

                          Don't be needy. He has already made it clear his not interested with all these messages.

                          He said to focus on yourself.

                          Could be due to your lack of self esteem which shows.

                          Make effort for yourself and look good, be happy with your achievements in life or at least for your efforts.

                          I don't think you can turn this around until he is interested in you.

                          Busy yourself with other things. Like self development and progression. You could learn about religion more and marriage.

                          Read about psychology and men. It's interesting to read but doesn't mean every man will be like how people describe them. Just helps women who have limited experience with men.

                          I think you should stop trying for now and just do your religious obligation towards him.

                          Depends on what you need to be assertive about.

                          What do both of you like? Find out and tell him you would like to do whatever hobby or interest it is together.

                          ​​​​​
                          Make dua daily for Allah to place love in your marriage and allow both of you to be the coolness of each other's eyes.

                          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                            ​​​​​​Do you have husband and wife relations?

                            This is something you need to establish first. If that isn't there then this is serious.

                            You can PM me or any other sisters regarding this.

                            Be respectful to him, be confident and don't doubt yourself.

                            When people see you lacking
                            ​​​​​​ confidence they feel more empowered to push you.

                            ​​​​​Don't message him or call him.

                            Don't be needy. He has already made it clear his not interested with all these messages.

                            He said to focus on yourself.

                            Could be due to your lack of self esteem which shows.

                            Make effort for yourself and look good, be happy with your achievements in life or at least for your efforts.

                            I don't think you can turn this around until he is interested in you.

                            Busy yourself with other things. Like self development and progression. You could learn about religion more and marriage.

                            Read about psychology and men. It's interesting to read but doesn't mean every man will be like how people describe them. Just helps women who have limited experience with men.

                            I think you should stop trying for now and just do your religious obligation towards him.

                            Depends on what you need to be assertive about.

                            What do both of you like? Find out and tell him you would like to do whatever hobby or interest it is together.

                            ​​​​​
                            Make dua daily for Allah to place love in your marriage and allow both of you to be the coolness of each other's eyes.
                            Thank you for your reply.

                            Yes to your first question.
                            I think I do have a self esteem issue that he has picked up on , so you think just doing what I have to and not being overly interested in him will help fix the self esteem? i cant turn it out around until his interested , and to get him interested you suggest i focus on myself , so uni house chores my own grooming etc? he is making me feel really low for not being accomplished by now this is definitely a problem that i cant really address this issue overnight i will need the time it takes to finish this course off. how do i appear confident esp when i have to listen to what he says esp when it comes to things that regard our future together i dont have much of say which iam assuming to an extend is normal as husbands tend to make the greater decisions but he really does not take my advice seriously which i think is weird . he by nature is also the controlling type that makes things hard. he acts like his too good for me which in all honesty i dont think is the case from a very neutral point of view. Also usually i am sure most cases here you have the in laws mingling and ruining the husband and wife relationship i honestly think things are working up until now because his parents keep talking to him and explaining to him that things are not that , iam not that bad etc i guess because this is arranged , he seems very fed up and tbh i have not even really done anything but be myself =/
                            Last edited by auser; 14-08-19, 12:55 AM.

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                            • #15
                              No its not "normal". Even if a person is not naturally inclined to small talk and it is arranged marriage etc, they should still make the effort to strengthen tho bonds of love between each other. If they are not doing so then clearly something is wrong. How/If this can be fixed i haven't got a clue. its difficult when you marry someone where Islam is not the foundation upon which the marriage is built.
                              Spears shall be shaken! Shields shall be splintered! a sword day..a red day..ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride to ruin, and the worldís ending!

                              None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.Ē

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