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  • living with brother in laws

    Bismillah,

    I am a bit confused and want to hear peoples views, perspectives, stories and advice in regards to a possible situation I could be in depending on my decision.

    I am speaking to an individual for marriage although it is still in talks the accomadation is being discussed. The potential is cool with living with my family for a couple years before moving out. Now I am in a dilemma.

    2 options-

    A)She lives with me and my family (parents and 2 younger bros, both teenagers one is in late teens whilst the other isn't.) We would have our own bedroom with a TV; couch, laptop, and whatever she needs so shes not bored and an ensuite bathroom (toilet and shower). The only thing she shares with my family is the kitchen. My mum goes to work in the day I also will but, my dad will stay at home during the day. My brothers will be at school during the day but sometimes they wont be depends on schedule. I am also thinking of putting a lock on the kitchen door so that when she wants to cook she can do so in peace and if my brothers needed the kitchen she can just do what needs to be done and quickly open the door give it to them then shut it. My brothers are practising and know not to free mix and chat especially with in laws. I do have gheera and want my wife to wear niqaab outside so of course infront of my brothers as well to which the sister has said she is cool with. It would only be when she has to go to the kitchen though (if the door is open and not locked). I do emphasize to my brothers the hadith about the brother in law is death and it hits me at the same time and I dont want to keep my wife in the same house as in laws but the thing is if I did this I save at least 15 or 16 thousand pounds a year.

    B) I get my own accomadation just for me and my wife but end up spending over 18K a year and basically have next to nothing saved. I wont be able to save any money practically nor will I be able to help family out. I will have to get a 2nd job for at least a year. We will be in a different area so family wont be near us nor will friends of mine or for her (she could have chilled with my friends wives).

    I am stuck between these 2 options I have gheera and always think of the brother in law is death hadith. But then I also think she only has to share the kitchen and she will be wearing niqaab or she can lock the room. As well as me saving money and being around family and friends.

    She has stated she is cool with it but, looking back in the past I've seen people who lived with in laws have alot of issues whilst living in the same house. As well as reading some disturbing stories on uf and other sites which makes me think more. So im confused.

    Anyways please tell me as much as possible
    Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 25-07-19, 04:56 AM.

  • #2
    I am not one to give advice at all but i am just telling you from my opinion it is better to have your own house. Your gheerah will cause problems later on. She might be cool with it now but how long would she handle it?
    May Allah bless your marriage in shaa Allah and shower his blessings upon you both.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Farah. A View Post
      I am not one to give advice at all but i am just telling you from my opinion it is better to have your own house. Your gheerah will cause problems later on. She might be cool with it now but how long would she handle it?
      May Allah bless your marriage in shaa Allah and shower his blessings upon you both.
      hmmm

      very true

      ameen

      Comment


      • #4
        but if i get my own place im basically gonna be nearly broke il have to take a 2nd job aswell for atleast 1 year

        (if we lived under sharia we would get houses for free )

        Comment


        • #5
          Yeah, I would like to hear someone say from his personal experience that shared accommodation didn't cause any issues.

          "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
            Yeah, I would like to hear someone say from his personal experience that shared accommodation didn't cause any issues.
            it always does
            little or big always does

            question is- is it worth going through the issues

            Comment


            • #7
              I personally donít think itís a good idea having your wife stay in the same house as your two teenage brothers - practising or not, I personally would never consider this. Although the prospective has agreed, you do really need to think about the scenarios which you are presenting.
              It wonít be easy for her to be stuck in the bedroom all day, despite having a tv and laptop etc. Secondly, itís going to be very very difficult for her to have to cook with her nikab on! It may not seem like a big deal but trust me, when you are in the privacy of your own home, you want to be able to take your hijab off.
              Also not sure how your family is but will they be happy that she is stuck upstairs all day? Some in laws are initially cool with it but when reality kicks in, they start having a problem

              Personally, Iíd look for separate accommodation but for me itís because I have strong views about living with brother in laws. Isnít there a chance you can look for a cheaper place?

              The third option i would present to you & itís only my thoughts, is to do nikah with the sister & you live at your house obviously saving money & she lives in her house. Then when you save a bit you can move out. In this situation, you can actually try out her living with you letís say on the weekend & if you feel itís working then let her move in with your family

              I would just add that very rarely have I come across a case where couples live with the family and it works out. Itís either the sister realising this isnít the life she wanted or itís the in laws causing issues.
              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                it always does
                little or big always does

                question is- is it worth going through the issues
                Did you try Istikhara?

                "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

                Comment


                • #9
                  Option 1 sounds better. Keep asking Allah for help. There was this post about a brother who was poor when his wife was pregnant, then she gave birth and Allah multiplied their rizq by a lot, they became business owners tho before he was struggling with either low paid jobs or was selling perfume can't remember the full story.

                  Allah will help you as you are doing something blessed, marrying and keeping away from haram and unlawful relations for His sake. Its gonna be a blessed union in sha Allah.

                  OP make dua for yourself and we will do likewise in sha Allah.
                  وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                  And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                  أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                  Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


                  Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

                  Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I agree with LaylaTheMuslim that option 1 sounds better.

                    There are some things you should consider (you don't have to discuss them here)

                    What about when your brothers are on school holidays? You would need to make some sort of schedule for that duration.

                    Would she be expected to cook for the whole family and would she want to do that?

                    How much would you/she expect her to help out with other household chores?

                    What about when she has visitors/family over where would they all sit?

                    Make sure all your family members especially your mother are ok with this set up. 

                    The lock on the kitchen door sounds like a good idea. She would be able to do her cooking freely and could keep her hijab/niqab nearby incase your brothers urgently need to go to the kitchen.

                    Some people do have issues when they live with inlaws but if your wife is not going to be mingling with them it should be ok inshaAllah. 

                    You did not mention any sisters living in the house so I think that is in your and her advantage because issues could arise especially if the females are of similar age and when it comes to household chores. Also that your brothers are not married and living with their wives in the same house because that can cause issues.

                    If her parents live nearby she could spend time there during the day whilst you are at work and then when you finish you could collect her and come home. If she was the one cooking for you then do that before she goes to her parents.

                    Do not take this personally but you know your mum well. She would have to be ok with your wife sharing her kitchen. This may sound petty but some mother in laws make a big deal about their dishes, cutlery pots and pans etc. If the mum in law wanted to make an issue out of something it could be a silly thing like the dish is not washed properly. That is why I said you know your mum well and if she is cool and easy going who does not care about what other people might say then inshaAllah that is in your favour too. Also you would probably eat with your wife so how would your mum feel about that especially if you all eat together as a family now.

                    Decide with your parents before hand how much you will be contributing finacially, shopping arrangements etc.

                    Do itikahra. 

                    Have a backup plan just incase living together with family does not workout. Also if an issue arises and it is over something petty then do work it out and also give it another chance before deciding to move out.

                    I hope Allah swt puts khair in your decisions and puts barakah in yor marriage. Ameen.





                     

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      .
                      Last edited by Umm Uthmaan; 26-07-19, 12:55 AM. Reason: .

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
                        I personally donít think itís a good idea having your wife stay in the same house as your two teenage brothers - practising or not, I personally would never consider this. Although the prospective has agreed, you do really need to think about the scenarios which you are presenting.
                        It wonít be easy for her to be stuck in the bedroom all day, despite having a tv and laptop etc. Secondly, itís going to be very very difficult for her to have to cook with her nikab on! It may not seem like a big deal but trust me, when you are in the privacy of your own home, you want to be able to take your hijab off.
                        Also not sure how your family is but will they be happy that she is stuck upstairs all day? Some in laws are initially cool with it but when reality kicks in, they start having a problem

                        Personally, Iíd look for separate accommodation but for me itís because I have strong views about living with brother in laws. Isnít there a chance you can look for a cheaper place?

                        The third option i would present to you & itís only my thoughts, is to do nikah with the sister & you live at your house obviously saving money & she lives in her house. Then when you save a bit you can move out. In this situation, you can actually try out her living with you letís say on the weekend & if you feel itís working then let her move in with your family

                        I would just add that very rarely have I come across a case where couples live with the family and it works out. Itís either the sister realising this isnít the life she wanted or itís the in laws causing issues.
                        if i got married my wife can go outside, go to friends house etc (she doesnt have family in my city) she van go in the kitchen just has to be that my brothers leave which i think they would and she can also go to the garden

                        she can take her niqaab off as i would lock the kitchen door so no one can enter then when anyone needs something she can just quickly wear niqaab open the door give it and close it

                        I dont know if my parents will care if shes upstairs all day but my family know my views on freemixing and so if they said anything it wont matter as after i say why shes upstairs they will just leave it

                        i cant look for cheaper accomodation as im staying for one year in the city I am doing post grad studies in and the cheapest is basically 800 per month on average i seen higher and lower but average is 800 pcm so after 12 months that 9600 and utility bills (gas, water, electricity) thats overall like 1000, council tax 1500, public transport for me and her (itl be around 2000 but im not sure if she needs a full years worth since shes not working and will stay at home most of the time), weekly shopping and spending money for the year it ends up being like 4000 so altogether 18100

                        i cant do 3rd option as her family live far away and i dont think they would be happy anyway as they would think i should be providing for her

                        (i was going to get her to say with my family and if problems happen i could leave)

                        im more worried about whether it will be a fitna for her or not since there is other brothers therr
                        Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 25-07-19, 01:15 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post

                          Did you try Istikhara?
                          i will do it in sha Allah

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post
                            I agree with LaylaTheMuslim that option 1 sounds better.

                            There are some things you should consider (you don't have to discuss them here)

                            What about when your brothers are on school holidays? You would need to make some sort of schedule for that duration.

                            Would she be expected to cook for the whole family and would she want to do that?

                            How much would you/she expect her to help out with other household chores?

                            What about when she has visitors/family over where would they all sit?

                            Make sure all your family members especially your mother are ok with this set up.¬*

                            The lock on the kitchen door sounds like a good idea. She would be able to do her cooking freely and could keep her hijab/niqab nearby incase your brothers urgently need to go to the kitchen.

                            Some people do have issues when they live with inlaws but if your wife is not going to be mingling with them it should be ok inshaAllah.¬*

                            You did not mention any sisters living in the house so I think that is in your and her advantage because issues could arise especially if the females are of similar age and when it comes to household chores. Also that your brothers are not married and living with their wives in the same house because that can cause issues.

                            If her parents live nearby she could spend time there during the day whilst you are at work and then when you finish you could collect her and come home. If she was the one cooking for you then do that before she goes to her parents.

                            Do not take this personally but you know your mum well. She would have to be ok with your wife sharing her kitchen. This may sound petty but some mother in laws make a big deal about their dishes, cutlery pots and pans etc. If the mum in law wanted to make an issue out of something it could be a silly thing like the dish is not washed properly. That is why I said you know your mum well and if she is cool and easy going who does not care about what other people might say then inshaAllah that is in your favour too. Also you would probably eat with your wife so how would your mum feel about that especially if you all eat together as a family now.

                            Decide with your parents before hand how much you will be contributing finacially, shopping arrangements etc.

                            Do itikahra.¬*

                            Have a backup plan just incase living together with family does not workout. Also if an issue arises and it is over something petty then do work it out and also give it another chance before deciding to move out.

                            I hope Allah swt puts khair in your decisions and puts barakah in yor marriage. Ameen.





                            ¬*
                            na i want to discuss here and no its not personal

                            even when my bros are on school holiday i would say use the kitchen if my wife is not there and if shes there knock on the door and she can leave then you can go in

                            i dont think shel be expected to everyday but my parents would be happy if she did (the sister comes from a situation where she works then also cooks and cleans entire house for family so her coming and living with me where she doesnt work and has to cook and not do as much cleaning since everyone does abit i think makes it easier for her compared to her current sithation) its something i will discuss with her in sha Allah

                            when she has family over we can segregate the house, women on one side and men in other room or go to her bedroom

                            my mum wants me to stay at home and bring my wife for a while so we can settle down and save money for our selves and so i dont basically ditch her lol

                            main concern is the issue of my younger bros(they are respectul and practising and no not to freemix with sister in law) but they have never had another women live with them apart from my mum so im worried it may be a fitna for them or my wife if i got married to her

                            her family live faraway in another city


                            my grandma has issues with my uncles wife when they all lived together and my mum witnessed this and she doesnt want that to happen so she says she wont be an interfering mother in law. Of course that could change but if i saw issues il just leave get my own accomadation. But yh my mum is the one who wants me to stay at home and bring my wife here to live with us.

                            and yh will do istikhara
                            ameen

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                              if i got married my wife can go outside, go to friends house etc (she doesnt have family in my city) she van go in the kitchen just has to be that my brothers leave which i think they would

                              she can take her niqaab off as i would lock the kitchen door so no one can enter then when anyone needs something she can just quickly wear niqaab open the door give it and close it

                              i cant look for cheaper accomodation as im staying for one year in the city I am doing post grad studies in and the cheapest is basically 800 per month on average i seen higher and lower but average is 800 pcm and after utility bills, council tax, transport, shoppung and spending money it ends up being 18000

                              i cant do 3rd option as her family live far away and i dont think they would be happy anyway as they would think i should be providing for her

                              (i was going to get her to say with my family and if problems happen i could leave)

                              im more worried about whether it will be a fitna for her or not since there is other brothers therr
                              Ahh that makes things a lot clearer. Based on what youíve said then the option doesnít seem too bad and if sheís said sheís happy with this option then Insha allah khayr. Your brothers should not be a fitna as there will be no interaction
                              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

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