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Look to the future (your children). Don't be selfish.

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  • Look to the future (your children). Don't be selfish.

    When it comes to marriage, most Western youth are so clueless about what the goals and objectives of marriage are. Brothers want to get married because of desires (this is a legitimate reason for wanting marriage) and sisters want to get married for whatever reasons they have. We can't blame them because they can't learn these things in school or from the media, and their parents aren't good role models for them, either.

    With that said, we should all know that one of the main objectives of marriage is to have offspring. You may be busy in your studies and careers now, but when a person gets to be middle aged and above, life will be very depressing without family. And what better family than his or her own children.

    When it comes to marriage, most of us do not give consideration to how our future spouse will raise our children. This is a huge mistake. After children, both your lives will change and it will never be the same. Your individual lives will change as well as your marriage relationship. For brothers, especially practicing ones, how your wife will raise your kids will heavily affect your relationship with her.

    Cutting to the chase, some brothers opt for marrying from "back home" although they were raised and educated in the West.They should know that the back home wife will not know how to raise kids in the West, and that will ruin your relationship with her.

    I have seen first hand how a lot of those mothers in Afghanistan raise their kids. From the time the children are able to stand on their feet, they are made free to roam - outside, inside, wreaking havoc on the streets, in the marketplaces, falling from balconies or the fourth floor of a building and dying; nowadays: watching TV, playing with their phones. All the while going to school by themselves and coming back and never being asked about homework or grades or anything. It is just how things are done there. While this way of raising kids will surely ruin the kid even in that country which has a more conservative culture, and it will not give him a bright future of any kind, it is nowhere near as bad as if it happened in the West, where they would most likely drop out of school or end up in jail. Losing their Deen is a given.

    I have seen so many immigrant families implement this mentality and this way of raising kids here in America. They are forced to go to public school and they come back home wasting time with phones, TV, and video games. Meanwhile the parents are fighting because the dad is sending too much money back home to his family. The kids become utterly lost in their Deen and even their dunya in terms of grades and having no direction in their life.

    In the West even the kuffar know you must befriend your children and watch over them and control everything they do (in a subtle manner).

    So don't make this mistake. Leave the back home people back home. We should also go back home.

    She may be beautiful and keep you chaste and take care of you (I would be surprised if she did considering that is something which is expected of her in her country, but will throw it away when coming to the West), but she will not know how to raise kids here. So think of your overall future with the spouse you're considering and not the first year or two. That would be inconsiderate and selfish.
    Last edited by Abu Abdur_Rahman; 11-06-19, 03:05 PM.

  • #2
    One thing I've seen, especially with those who have kids here (UK) - the parents are quite clued up when it comes to their kids' secular education. 

    They ask questions, they are involved in their education. They really focus on their reading/writing abilities, extra tuition, clubs, but when it comes to their Qur'an, and Salaah, they're quite lax. 

    They send their kids to madrassa aged 5. But it's more of a competition to see who completes the Qur'an first. And it's a tradition, like how their parents sent them. 





     

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    • #3
      (Just realised I completely went off-topic with my post above). 
       

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      • #4
        There was a Brother on here, Nonameakhi, who was planning his 16 year old son's wedding (or something like that). 

        I wonder how it went and if it all went well In Sha Allaah. 

        I'd also be interested to see what issues (If any) the Brothers and Sisters with older children (teens) are facing. 

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
          (Just realised I completely went off-topic with my post above).¬*
          ¬*
          It's kinda related

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
            There was a Brother on here, Nonameakhi, who was planning his 16 year old son's wedding (or something like that).¬*

            I wonder how it went and if it all went well In Sha Allaah.¬*

            I'd also be interested to see what issues (If any) the Brothers and Sisters with older children (teens) are facing.¬*
            Ma Shaa Allah. 

            Meanwhile I'm 25 and expected to work for a couple more years and get a master's first 

            The teen years are very difficult. By the time they hit university age most teens hit a crossroads. They usually return to the deen or they stray way off course, with permanent repercussions.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

              Ma Shaa Allah.¬*

              Meanwhile I'm 25 and expected to work for a couple more years and get a master's first¬*

              The teen years are very difficult. By the time they hit university age most teens hit a crossroads. They usually return to the deen or they stray way off course, with permanent repercussions.
              I think Br Abu Abdullaah mentioned previously about getting his kids to learn a trade, as an alternative to university. I agree with that idea. 

              We get what we are given, when it is ordained. 25 is not old. Although, I don't see a correlation between marriage and a Master's degree? 

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                I think Br Abu Abdullaah mentioned previously about getting his kids to learn a trade, as an alternative to university. I agree with that idea.¬*

                We get what we are given, when it is ordained. 25 is not old. Although, I don't see a correlation between marriage and a Master's degree?¬*
                Yeah that's a good alternative. Although trades have their pitfalls as well.

                It's just a cultural thing. Bengalis emphasize degrees and credentials a lot.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                  (Just realised I completely went off-topic with my post above).¬*
                  ¬*
                  You realized once you actually read the thread

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                    Yeah that's a good alternative. Although trades have their pitfalls as well.

                    It's just a cultural thing. Bengalis emphasize degrees and credentials a lot.
                    Don't succumb to unnecessary cultural expectations. 

                    Here a Master's degree costs upto £10 000.¬†

                    Why burden yourself for a piece of paper? (Unless you have that kind of cash).  

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post

                      You realized once you actually read the thread
                      I didn't understand this "Leave the back home people back home. We should also go back home."

                      Can you please elaborate? 

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                        Don't succumb to unnecessary cultural expectations.¬*

                        Here a Master's degree costs upto £10 000.¬*

                        Why burden yourself for a piece of paper? (Unless you have that kind of cash).¬*¬*
                        Oh no, I have no intention of getting it. Just saying that's what's expected. And yeah it is way too expensive.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                          One thing I've seen, especially with those who have kids here (UK) - the parents are quite clued up when it comes to their kids' secular education.¬*

                          They ask questions, they are involved in their education. They really focus on their reading/writing abilities, extra tuition, clubs, but when it comes to their Qur'an, and Salaah, they're quite lax.¬*

                          They send their kids to madrassa aged 5. But it's more of a competition to see who completes the Qur'an first. And it's a tradition, like how their parents sent them.¬*


                          ¬*
                          A family member recently reached to me for help put her 7 year old son to Islamic education. She has been trying to get him enrolled in a masjid for over a year but her husband is not religious & has not helped. She reached out to different people & people gave her advise but as a female she does not have direct access to masjid/madrasa/Islamic teacher. She can't go up to a masjid, ask them question about their curriculum & determine the best option for her kid including how the children will commute especially during heavy winter. All the things that she can do at school where they will have interpreter/assistant if her English is weak.

                          It is often the mother who pays attention to kids education & unfortunately most Islamic education is fathers domain. Even if the mother is pious and practicing & itching to get her kids the proper Islamic education, the door of masjid & access to Islamic teachers are blocked from her. She has to relay on other male relatives to convey her message & get feedback. This is one of the reason you see parents (mothers) focusing on secular education & stay out of Islamic education. There isn't enough female in Islamic education for mothers to get involved in.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Kya View Post

                            A family member recently reached to me for help put her 7 year old son to Islamic education. She has been trying to get him enrolled in a masjid for over a year but her husband is not religious & has not helped. She reached out to different people & people gave her advise but as a female she does not have direct access to masjid/madrasa/Islamic teacher. She can't go up to a masjid, ask them question about their curriculum & determine the best option for her kid including how the children will commute especially during heavy winter. All the things that she can do at school where they will have interpreter/assistant if her English is weak.

                            It is often the mother who pays attention to kids education & unfortunately most Islamic education is fathers domain. Even if the mother is pious and practicing & itching to get her kids the proper Islamic education, the door of masjid & access to Islamic teachers are blocked from her. She has to relay on other male relatives to convey her message & get feedback. This is one of the reason you see parents (mothers) focusing on secular education & stay out of Islamic education. There isn't enough female in Islamic education for mothers to get involved in.
                            Thats why parents need to make sure their daughters dont marry fusaaq,
                            they look at dunya ie jobs, money, house, cars, status, tribe but dont focus on deen

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Kya View Post

                              A family member recently reached to me for help put her 7 year old son to Islamic education. She has been trying to get him enrolled in a masjid for over a year but her husband is not religious & has not helped. She reached out to different people & people gave her advise but as a female she does not have direct access to masjid/madrasa/Islamic teacher. She can't go up to a masjid, ask them question about their curriculum & determine the best option for her kid including how the children will commute especially during heavy winter. All the things that she can do at school where they will have interpreter/assistant if her English is weak.

                              It is often the mother who pays attention to kids education & unfortunately most Islamic education is fathers domain. Even if the mother is pious and practicing & itching to get her kids the proper Islamic education, the door of masjid & access to Islamic teachers are blocked from her. She has to relay on other male relatives to convey her message & get feedback. This is one of the reason you see parents (mothers) focusing on secular education & stay out of Islamic education. There isn't enough female in Islamic education for mothers to get involved in.
                              Hmm I guess it depends on what kind of a masjid it is..Where I live, the masaajid are mostly separated based on ethnicity in the sense that we have a Somali masjid, a Turkish masjid etc etc..so the whole language barrier thing doesn't make sense.

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