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Is it a risk marrying someone just for their deen?

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  • Layla_
    replied
    Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post
    The brothers who are discretely religious should make it explicit that they engage in fasting and voluntary salat a lot in marriage talks, just for the sake of informing of their commitment to deen to the sister, and I don't think thats showing off.

    An ideal brother is one who has a good head on his shoulders, does voluntary good deeds, has a job/has a determined mindset and is grateful for the opportunities Allah gave them (is not big headed lol).¬*

    If they're disabled or out of work there can be mitigation if they're still decent and kind brothers then its up to the sister if she wants to go forward and get married.¬*
    Yes, true they should (especially when asked) inform the other party of the optional acts of worship that they do. I agree with you in regard to the ideal brother. They are definitely a rarity though

    Leave a comment:


  • Layla_
    replied
    Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

    Rule of thumb #1: avoid brothers who like being in the spotlight, or who seek status or to be known.

    Rule of thumb #2: Avoid brothers who "claim" religiosity or piety. This shows a lack of humility and introspection.

    Most of the time, the good brothers keep to themselves and don't flaunt.

    But you should always get references from people who have worked with him, or dealt with him, or have done business with him. Try not to ask people who have a vested interest in lying to you, like his family. Although if his family are honest, they can shed light on his nature like no one else can.
    Good rules. I definitely agree that the good brothers keep to themselves & donít flaunt.

    Leave a comment:


  • Layla_
    replied
    Originally posted by Bayna3 View Post
    Did these brother try to pursue you or did you try to pursue them? I would say your more likely going to find a better chance at finding one if you look for them instead of waiting for them to ask you, as the really good brothers are probably shy and reserved and won't ask, just my opinion¬*
    Itís something Iíve observed brother, Iím not speaking about proposals that I have received but things that Iíve observed
    but I donít think Iíd ever be able to pursue a brother for marriage!

    Leave a comment:


  • LailaTheMuslim
    replied
    The brothers who are discretely religious should make it explicit that they engage in fasting and voluntary salat a lot in marriage talks, just for the sake of informing of their commitment to deen to the sister, and I don't think thats showing off.

    An ideal brother is one who has a good head on his shoulders, does voluntary good deeds, has a job/has a determined mindset and is grateful for the opportunities Allah gave them (is not big headed lol). 

    If they're disabled or out of work there can be mitigation if they're still decent and kind brothers then its up to the sister if she wants to go forward and get married. 

    Leave a comment:


  • Stoic Believer
    replied
    Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
    Assalamu alaykum

    apologies, this may seem like a bit of a silly thread but itís been on my mind for some time now so Insha Allah khayr

    in Islam, we are told to marry someone on the basis of their deen, but how exactly are we supposed to determine ones Ďreligiousnessí?. We all know that the length of ones beard, or how far above the ankles their trousers are rolled does not indicate the level of their religious commitment, so what else are we supposed to look for?

    If we look at actions, then a student of knowledge can have bad akhlaaq. Or they can study, but not implement. My ex husband was a student of knowledge & when we got married, I was quite shocked to see that he wouldnít pray his sunnah prayers. This is someone who would proclaim his love for the sunnah & claim to be a very practising individual.

    Additionally, some brothers may actually be quite practising but to avoid showing off may downplay their good deeds, or even hide them. So there may be a brother who prays tahajjud & fasts Mondays and Thursdays but to avoid showing off, May avoid mentioning this & then you think heís just a standard brother..

    You also get brothers who do a lot of worship but have very bad manners and are very, very arrogant.

    I keep on hearing horror stories of cases where sisters married purely for the deen & their husband turned out to be a monster Subhanallah.

    obviously, there are many good brothers out there and nobody is denying that but I find when it comes to marriage, a lot of brothers act really sneaky in order to get the sister and then once they are married, their true side comes out

    piety is also a very personal thing.

    If we do things in the correct & halal manner (having meetings with potentials in the presence of others) then this gives people the perfect opportunity to put on a front & people can be very sneaky and also lie about their good deeds

    personally, I think the best way to determine this is to spend time with the potential in the presence of your mahram so that you can see little things about them - is he rude to the waiter? Is he eating in accordance to the sunnah, did he say bismillah, has he slipped up by swearing, does he keep checking his phone etc etc. From small things, we can tell so much about a person.

    but letís face it, hardly anyone is going to spend time with a potential with their mahram and of course some of us have mahrams who are not really bothered so wouldnít even entertain such an idea in the first place

    is there a magic formula whereby one can tell if someone is truly a god fearing & practising brother?!
    Rule of thumb #1: avoid brothers who like being in the spotlight, or who seek status or to be known.

    Rule of thumb #2: Avoid brothers who "claim" religiosity or piety. This shows a lack of humility and introspection.

    Most of the time, the good brothers keep to themselves and don't flaunt.

    But you should always get references from people who have worked with him, or dealt with him, or have done business with him. Try not to ask people who have a vested interest in lying to you, like his family. Although if his family are honest, they can shed light on his nature like no one else can.

    Leave a comment:


  • Bayna3
    replied
    Did these brother try to pursue you or did you try to pursue them? I would say your more likely going to find a better chance at finding one if you look for them instead of waiting for them to ask you, as the really good brothers are probably shy and reserved and won't ask, just my opinion 

    Leave a comment:


  • Layla_
    started a topic Is it a risk marrying someone just for their deen?

    Is it a risk marrying someone just for their deen?

    Assalamu alaykum

    apologies, this may seem like a bit of a silly thread but it’s been on my mind for some time now so Insha Allah khayr

    in Islam, we are told to marry someone on the basis of their deen, but how exactly are we supposed to determine ones ‘religiousness’?. We all know that the length of ones beard, or how far above the ankles their trousers are rolled does not indicate the level of their religious commitment, so what else are we supposed to look for?

    If we look at actions, then a student of knowledge can have bad akhlaaq. Or they can study, but not implement. My ex husband was a student of knowledge & when we got married, I was quite shocked to see that he wouldn’t pray his sunnah prayers. This is someone who would proclaim his love for the sunnah & claim to be a very practising individual.

    Additionally, some brothers may actually be quite practising but to avoid showing off may downplay their good deeds, or even hide them. So there may be a brother who prays tahajjud & fasts Mondays and Thursdays but to avoid showing off, May avoid mentioning this & then you think he’s just a standard brother..

    You also get brothers who do a lot of worship but have very bad manners and are very, very arrogant.

    I keep on hearing horror stories of cases where sisters married purely for the deen & their husband turned out to be a monster Subhanallah.

    obviously, there are many good brothers out there and nobody is denying that but I find when it comes to marriage, a lot of brothers act really sneaky in order to get the sister and then once they are married, their true side comes out

    piety is also a very personal thing.

    If we do things in the correct & halal manner (having meetings with potentials in the presence of others) then this gives people the perfect opportunity to put on a front & people can be very sneaky and also lie about their good deeds

    personally, I think the best way to determine this is to spend time with the potential in the presence of your mahram so that you can see little things about them - is he rude to the waiter? Is he eating in accordance to the sunnah, did he say bismillah, has he slipped up by swearing, does he keep checking his phone etc etc. From small things, we can tell so much about a person.

    but let’s face it, hardly anyone is going to spend time with a potential with their mahram and of course some of us have mahrams who are not really bothered so wouldn’t even entertain such an idea in the first place

    is there a magic formula whereby one can tell if someone is truly a god fearing & practising brother?!
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