Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Is it a risk marrying someone just for their deen?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Is it a risk marrying someone just for their deen?

    Assalamu alaykum

    apologies, this may seem like a bit of a silly thread but it’s been on my mind for some time now so Insha Allah khayr

    in Islam, we are told to marry someone on the basis of their deen, but how exactly are we supposed to determine ones ‘religiousness’?. We all know that the length of ones beard, or how far above the ankles their trousers are rolled does not indicate the level of their religious commitment, so what else are we supposed to look for?

    If we look at actions, then a student of knowledge can have bad akhlaaq. Or they can study, but not implement. My ex husband was a student of knowledge & when we got married, I was quite shocked to see that he wouldn’t pray his sunnah prayers. This is someone who would proclaim his love for the sunnah & claim to be a very practising individual.

    Additionally, some brothers may actually be quite practising but to avoid showing off may downplay their good deeds, or even hide them. So there may be a brother who prays tahajjud & fasts Mondays and Thursdays but to avoid showing off, May avoid mentioning this & then you think he’s just a standard brother..

    You also get brothers who do a lot of worship but have very bad manners and are very, very arrogant.

    I keep on hearing horror stories of cases where sisters married purely for the deen & their husband turned out to be a monster Subhanallah.

    obviously, there are many good brothers out there and nobody is denying that but I find when it comes to marriage, a lot of brothers act really sneaky in order to get the sister and then once they are married, their true side comes out

    piety is also a very personal thing.

    If we do things in the correct & halal manner (having meetings with potentials in the presence of others) then this gives people the perfect opportunity to put on a front & people can be very sneaky and also lie about their good deeds

    personally, I think the best way to determine this is to spend time with the potential in the presence of your mahram so that you can see little things about them - is he rude to the waiter? Is he eating in accordance to the sunnah, did he say bismillah, has he slipped up by swearing, does he keep checking his phone etc etc. From small things, we can tell so much about a person.

    but let’s face it, hardly anyone is going to spend time with a potential with their mahram and of course some of us have mahrams who are not really bothered so wouldn’t even entertain such an idea in the first place

    is there a magic formula whereby one can tell if someone is truly a god fearing & practising brother?!
    https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Did these brother try to pursue you or did you try to pursue them? I would say your more likely going to find a better chance at finding one if you look for them instead of waiting for them to ask you, as the really good brothers are probably shy and reserved and won't ask, just my opinion 

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Layla_ View Post
      Assalamu alaykum

      apologies, this may seem like a bit of a silly thread but itís been on my mind for some time now so Insha Allah khayr

      in Islam, we are told to marry someone on the basis of their deen, but how exactly are we supposed to determine ones Ďreligiousnessí?. We all know that the length of ones beard, or how far above the ankles their trousers are rolled does not indicate the level of their religious commitment, so what else are we supposed to look for?

      If we look at actions, then a student of knowledge can have bad akhlaaq. Or they can study, but not implement. My ex husband was a student of knowledge & when we got married, I was quite shocked to see that he wouldnít pray his sunnah prayers. This is someone who would proclaim his love for the sunnah & claim to be a very practising individual.

      Additionally, some brothers may actually be quite practising but to avoid showing off may downplay their good deeds, or even hide them. So there may be a brother who prays tahajjud & fasts Mondays and Thursdays but to avoid showing off, May avoid mentioning this & then you think heís just a standard brother..

      You also get brothers who do a lot of worship but have very bad manners and are very, very arrogant.

      I keep on hearing horror stories of cases where sisters married purely for the deen & their husband turned out to be a monster Subhanallah.

      obviously, there are many good brothers out there and nobody is denying that but I find when it comes to marriage, a lot of brothers act really sneaky in order to get the sister and then once they are married, their true side comes out

      piety is also a very personal thing.

      If we do things in the correct & halal manner (having meetings with potentials in the presence of others) then this gives people the perfect opportunity to put on a front & people can be very sneaky and also lie about their good deeds

      personally, I think the best way to determine this is to spend time with the potential in the presence of your mahram so that you can see little things about them - is he rude to the waiter? Is he eating in accordance to the sunnah, did he say bismillah, has he slipped up by swearing, does he keep checking his phone etc etc. From small things, we can tell so much about a person.

      but letís face it, hardly anyone is going to spend time with a potential with their mahram and of course some of us have mahrams who are not really bothered so wouldnít even entertain such an idea in the first place

      is there a magic formula whereby one can tell if someone is truly a god fearing & practising brother?!
      Rule of thumb #1: avoid brothers who like being in the spotlight, or who seek status or to be known.

      Rule of thumb #2: Avoid brothers who "claim" religiosity or piety. This shows a lack of humility and introspection.

      Most of the time, the good brothers keep to themselves and don't flaunt.

      But you should always get references from people who have worked with him, or dealt with him, or have done business with him. Try not to ask people who have a vested interest in lying to you, like his family. Although if his family are honest, they can shed light on his nature like no one else can.

      Comment


      • #4
        The brothers who are discretely religious should make it explicit that they engage in fasting and voluntary salat a lot in marriage talks, just for the sake of informing of their commitment to deen to the sister, and I don't think thats showing off.

        An ideal brother is one who has a good head on his shoulders, does voluntary good deeds, has a job/has a determined mindset and is grateful for the opportunities Allah gave them (is not big headed lol). 

        If they're disabled or out of work there can be mitigation if they're still decent and kind brothers then its up to the sister if she wants to go forward and get married. 
        وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

        And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


        أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

        Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


        Please take a look at my travel booking website : https://destinationfindertravel.com/

        Please take a look at my blog : http://thinkingmuslima.blogspot.co.uk/

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Bayna3 View Post
          Did these brother try to pursue you or did you try to pursue them? I would say your more likely going to find a better chance at finding one if you look for them instead of waiting for them to ask you, as the really good brothers are probably shy and reserved and won't ask, just my opinion¬*
          Itís something Iíve observed brother, Iím not speaking about proposals that I have received but things that Iíve observed
          but I donít think Iíd ever be able to pursue a brother for marriage!
          https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

            Rule of thumb #1: avoid brothers who like being in the spotlight, or who seek status or to be known.

            Rule of thumb #2: Avoid brothers who "claim" religiosity or piety. This shows a lack of humility and introspection.

            Most of the time, the good brothers keep to themselves and don't flaunt.

            But you should always get references from people who have worked with him, or dealt with him, or have done business with him. Try not to ask people who have a vested interest in lying to you, like his family. Although if his family are honest, they can shed light on his nature like no one else can.
            Good rules. I definitely agree that the good brothers keep to themselves & donít flaunt.
            https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by LailaTheMuslim View Post
              The brothers who are discretely religious should make it explicit that they engage in fasting and voluntary salat a lot in marriage talks, just for the sake of informing of their commitment to deen to the sister, and I don't think thats showing off.

              An ideal brother is one who has a good head on his shoulders, does voluntary good deeds, has a job/has a determined mindset and is grateful for the opportunities Allah gave them (is not big headed lol).¬*

              If they're disabled or out of work there can be mitigation if they're still decent and kind brothers then its up to the sister if she wants to go forward and get married.¬*
              Yes, true they should (especially when asked) inform the other party of the optional acts of worship that they do. I agree with you in regard to the ideal brother. They are definitely a rarity though
              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                Rule of thumb #1: avoid brothers who like being in the spotlight, or who seek status or to be known.

                Rule of thumb #2: Avoid brothers who "claim" religiosity or piety. This shows a lack of humility and introspection.

                Most of the time, the good brothers keep to themselves and don't flaunt.

                But you should always get references from people who have worked with him, or dealt with him, or have done business with him. Try not to ask people who have a vested interest in lying to you, like his family. Although if his family are honest, they can shed light on his nature like no one else can.
                We have been training you well.

                Comment


                • #9
                  There's a defining factor for why a girl or woman would marry a particular brother. Either for his looks, his wealth, his status, etc. I don't see how a person marries only for religion, especially a woman.

                  If you say that a sister will marry a guy for his beard and thobe and not look into anything else about him, then that's foolish and silly.

                  You should marry for his religion. But the issue is sometimes we don't know how to judge religious commitment. Or desires are mixed with it and he's really married for his status or wealth. You have to look at his prayer, lifestyle, how he treats others, his friends, etc.¬*

                  If all that checked out and it turns out you didn't like each other, then it is what it is. You can be patient and try to make it work - and it often does work out after being patient and trying to make it work - or you can divorce.

                  We in the West lack patience when it comes to marriages and are looking for a replacement right away.

                  Main point is, let's define what religous commitment is according to the Sunnah, not use our own definition of it based on no evidence from the Sharee'ah.
                  Last edited by Abu Abdur_Rahman; 29-05-19, 01:30 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    There will always be a risk in whatever you do. Fine judging someone can take years, checking for sincerity and consistency in character and deen etc and even then people can surprise you. Marriage is a combination of blessings and trials so nothing will be 100% or even 90. You need to know what you can live with and go from there.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post
                      There's a defining factor for why a girl or woman would marry a particular brother. Either for his looks, his wealth, his status, etc. I don't see how a person marries only for religion, especially a woman.

                      If you say that a sister will marry a guy for his beard and thobe and not look into anything else about him, then that's foolish and silly.

                      You should marry for his religion. But the issue is sometimes we don't know how to judge religious commitment. Or desires are mixed with it and he's really married for his status or wealth. You have to look at his prayer, lifestyle, how he treats others, his friends, etc.¬*

                      If all that checked out and it turns out you didn't like each other, then it is what it is. You can be patient and try to make it work - and it often does work out after being patient and trying to make it work - or you can divorce.

                      We in the West lack patience when it comes to marriages and are looking for a replacement right away.

                      Main point is, let's define what religous commitment is according to the Sunnah, not use our own definition of it based on no evidence from the Sharee'ah.
                      Itís not about looking for a replacement right away, rather not wanting to make the same mistake again

                      a believer doesnít get bitten in the same hole twice ..
                      https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Sometimes i forget to say bismillah when im proper hungry doesnt mean im bad

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Layla_ View Post

                          Itís not about looking for a replacement right away, rather not wanting to make the same mistake again

                          a believer doesnít get bitten in the same hole twice ..
                          It's natural to be anxious and cautious. 

                          Especially if you have had prior negative experiences.

                          At the same time - don't look at each potential trying to "catch them out". I don't think that is healthy.

                          Rather, seek compatibility. 

                          As for piety, then we do not really know of how pious anyone is, until we live them. 

                          You find out more about a person's character, by their relationships with others. 


                           

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                            It's natural to be anxious and cautious.¬*

                            Especially if you have had prior negative experiences.

                            At the same time - don't look at each potential trying to "catch them out". I don't think that is healthy.

                            Rather, seek compatibility.¬*

                            As for piety, then we do not really know of how pious anyone is, until we live them.¬*

                            You find out more about a person's character, by their relationships with others.¬*


                            ¬*
                            True, I think compatibility is key
                            https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                              Sometimes i forget to say bismillah when im proper hungry doesnt mean im bad
                              Indeed it doesnít.¬†

                               
                              https://islamicgemsandpearls.wordpress.com

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X