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why is having a child such a dealbreaker?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by Pippin1376 View Post

    If that's the case, then as an ummah we are truly lost.

    During the time of the Prophet (SAW) single mothers were sought after. The Prophet (SAW) himself married Khadija who had kids while he was a virgin. Not to bring up another topic, but we have thread after thread about polygamy and how it's sunnah and yet brothers don't want a divorcee/widower especially one with a child when that is sunnah too.

    If a brother doesn't want to marry a sister like this, then that's fine. But don't put down the sister for having kids and not being a virgin. That makes no sense.
    Yea youre right sis i even heared of a brother with kids from a former marriage who insists on marrying a virgin still
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    • #17
      Its funny that people always mention khadija رضي الله عنها

      They forget to mention that many people wanted to marry her
      she had status
      Wealth
      good lineage
      etc

      People who want polygamy but neglect divorces and widows arent being considerate yes true
      but preference is also fine
      But yes the sahaba did polyamy and would marry divorcees and widows and so we should emulate them

      the people that need to think again are those guys who are divorced and dont want to marry someone whos divorced or
      those widowers who dont want to marry a widow
      or those single fathers who dont want to marry a single mother

      if they havent been in that position dont expect them to do more than that only someone whos trying to do this for the sake of Allah would

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      • #18
        Many brothers have the thought that they would not be their wife's 'number 1 priority' as she would always put her own child first. There are some decent ones who would accept the child, but I can't imagine there would be many. It is only natural to not be connected with another man's child.

        May Allah make your search fruitful, Ameen.
        Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Plumeria View Post
          Many brothers have the thought that they would not be their wife's 'number 1 priority' as she would always put her own child first. There are some decent ones who would accept the child, but I can't imagine there would be many. It is only natural to not be connected with another man's child.

          May Allah make your search fruitful, Ameen.
          اسلام عليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته 

          Sister Plumeria. I hope you're well :-) 

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
            Walaikum salam!! Alhamdulilah sis, all is well. Jazak Allah Khair :)

            Hope you are good too!!!
            Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

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            • #21
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              • #22

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by muslimsister91 View Post
                  My searches are fruitful and it comes down to me being a single parent of one.

                  The first question I get asked by brothers is why I’m a single mother. And also another brother after days of good conversation said he didn’t realise I put down I have a child on the dating profile and said he didn’t want someone with a child.

                  It’s getting rather annoying. I have a full time job, a car, a flat. Id consider myself a decent person and strive to be a devout Muslim, and yet those Muslim brothers are forgetting that children are a blessing from Allah (swt). Oh the irony!
                  These are normal questions. If someone is divorced, its not good to ask too much but its valid thing to ask like who was the ex-husband and a high level description of how things broke. Also a muslim man can choose to not prefer a woman with kids, you probably want to filter out such men automatically because you want future husband who cares for your kids.

                  I am married Alhamdulillah and for that marriage, I was picky about only marrying a virgin because I was too. But maturing after that, I realized that it is'nt the biggest of the factor. A man can happily marry a divorced woman as a first wife or otherwise.

                  But from a perspective of a single brother who never married before, I can understand that marrying a woman with kids can be challenging situation.

                  So why dont you look for divorced brothers or those who are interested in polygamy

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
                    only someone whos trying to do this for the sake of Allah would
                    Bro marriage ideally shouldnt be for a sadaqah. When you marry a woman, you should be attracted to her. And why cant a man get attracted to a divorced woman ? Its only when you as man have no experience and you are a virgin that you have similar preference which is natural. I understand that and thats what Rasulullah(sa) advised Jabir(ra).

                    But moving past that stage, you dont look at things that way.




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                    • #25
                      Deleted.
                      Last edited by oshirowanen; 15-11-19, 07:24 PM.

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                      • #26

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by savo234 View Post

                          Bro marriage ideally shouldnt be for a sadaqah. When you marry a woman, you should be attracted to her. And why cant a man get attracted to a divorced woman ? Its only when you as man have no experience and you are a virgin that you have similar preference which is natural. I understand that and thats what Rasulullah(sa) advised Jabir(ra).

                          But moving past that stage, you dont look at things that way.



                          Some will and some wont
                          divorce is not really the topic here its having a child

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                            Some will and some wont
                            divorce is not really the topic here its having a child
                            Whats the big deal brother. The only thing that is understandably abstacle is resources(time and money). If someone has resources then why not raise step kids. Allah knows may be your own kids turn out to be losers and the step kids end up supporting you and adding to your good deeds.

                            Plus developing feelings for kids is'nt that difficult. They are all adorable. Ofcourse it may never be like for your own but anyways.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by savo234 View Post

                              Whats the big deal brother. The only thing that is understandably abstacle is resources(time and money). If someone has resources then why not raise step kids. Allah knows may be your own kids turn out to be losers and the step kids end up supporting you and adding to your good deeds.

                              Plus developing feelings for kids is'nt that difficult. They are all adorable. Ofcourse it may never be like for your own but anyways.
                              Brother your mindset is good but the reality is not everyone thinks like that even many sisters will not marry a single father

                              also sometimes people when it comes to marriage just want time to them selves before kids or cant handle taking care of someone elses child whether its spending time or actually being emotionally connected to them and seeing them as your own child

                              (By the way im not speaking for my self just in general and you dont have to persuade me)
                              Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 11-06-19, 01:36 AM.

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                              • #30
                                Even more ironic is if they are single fathers they take offence to childless women not wanting to marry them!

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