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why is having a child such a dealbreaker?

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  • why is having a child such a dealbreaker?

    My searches are fruitful and it comes down to me being a single parent of one.

    The first question I get asked by brothers is why I’m a single mother. And also another brother after days of good conversation said he didn’t realise I put down I have a child on the dating profile and said he didn’t want someone with a child.

    It’s getting rather annoying. I have a full time job, a car, a flat. Id consider myself a decent person and strive to be a devout Muslim, and yet those Muslim brothers are forgetting that children are a blessing from Allah (swt). Oh the irony!

  • #2
    I dont know why they ask that question maybe what they mean is how did you end up becoming a single mother
    although its odd for that to be the 1st questionand their wordimg is bad

    Some brothers dont want to marry someone with a child its understandable theres many reasons for that
    maybe they feel they wont get enough attention and shel be focused on the child
    maybe they wont be able to look at the child as their own
    maybe they dont want the responsibility of looking after someone elses child now and they just want marriage at the moment
    Etc etc

    at the same time some brothers will marry someone with kids

    thats just how it is
    and sisters are the same when it comes t to marrying brothers with Kids
    Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 20-05-19, 01:00 AM.

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    • #3
      it comes down to a lot of things

      if the guy is searching for his first marriage, he's probably thinking about all the responsibility hes going to have once married, having a child in that equation will multiply his anxiety about the responsibility, also if its his first marriage he might think he won't be able to enjoy them first few months / years together if the wife has a kid to look after etc

      also some guys don't like the idea of looking after another persons child they might have anxiety about the father etc and maybe the awkwardness it might bring etc

      these are just some thoughts, I would say if hes a divorced guy then I don't see an issue but someone who has never been married would probably want someone alike because he might want to experience that first with his partner i.e having a child etc

      not all guys are like this though, my cousin did get married to a women with 2 kids and he was never married and he looks after them etc so there are guys out there, personally I don't think I could do it as I think it would be too much responsibility for me from being not married to married with kids etc, but everyone has a choice.

      all the best

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by muslimsister91 View Post
        My searches are fruitful and it comes down to me being a single parent of one.

        The first question I get asked by brothers is why I’m a single mother. And also another brother after days of good conversation said he didn’t realise I put down I have a child on the dating profile and said he didn’t want someone with a child.

        It’s getting rather annoying. I have a full time job, a car, a flat. Id consider myself a decent person and strive to be a devout Muslim, and yet those Muslim brothers are forgetting that children are a blessing from Allah (swt). Oh the irony!
        Asaalaamualaikum,

        Thought I would shed some light from someone that is looking to get married and why he may not want to marry someone with a child.
        Not saying all men are like this - this is just my personal preference of why I do not really want to marry someone with a child at the moment. Just for some insight, not saying I am right in my views, but it could help you understand.

        1. I would be wondering why the person was divorced - and be in the back of my mind wondering whether this would make it more likely for our marriage to end in divorce as well. Obviously couples have various reasons for divorce but this would definitely be a concern for me. Divorce is one of the scariest things I am worried about happening to me.

        2. I would be worrying the child would not respect me as I am not their father and would be a new person in their life. I would find it hard to try and discipline someone else's kid. I would also not know how to handle the interaction between this kid and their biological father. Both of them have a right to see each other but it would indeed make things awkward.

        3. I would be worried how I would be able to treat the child fairly with other children that would be my biological children. Naturally I would feel more connection with my biological children.

        4. If all things are equal - I would choose someone who wasn't married yet - both because they haven't been with someone before (because I haven't been with someone before and would like someone going through the same experience) and because there wouldn't be the complication of having kids involved.

        5. Kids would just complicate a lot of things overall at the start of a marriage - especially when a relationship is forming and I might want some time getting to really know my wife, travelling etc.

        I guess just have a look at it from the other side. If you were single and never married - and were considering a man with a daughter already. Wouldn't you be having the same thoughts and concerns? Maybe some divorced brothers or brothers that also have kids would be more understanding/comfortable with it all? Especially when it is marriage through the process of a mutual connection and or internet where you don't know this person at all and only have bits of information like this to figure out a person by.

        I am not saying the stuff I wrote was correct or the right thing to think or feel - I am just saying that these are things that would be running through another persons mind.

        If it is any condolence - I am single/never married/no kids and also haven't been able to married yet - I am sure there is someone for all of us out there InshaAllah :)

        I guess the last thing is that people reject people for all sorts of reasons, race, height, skin tone, age, appearance,. It's not worth being with someone who has a problem with a trait or situation of yours. As someone else on this forum said, think of the rejection as a protection from Allah SWT.
        Last edited by Sabr; 20-05-19, 05:21 AM.

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        • #5
          Have you tried looking for brothers who are also divorced with kids?

          Comment


          • #6
            I understand it though, its not their child so they may fear they wont be able yo connect with it, also the fact that you're not a virgin may be an issue before the child even
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            • #7
              Yes and truthfully I would prefer a brother with children as it would give my child siblings

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                Have you tried looking for brothers who are also divorced with kids?
                Yes and truthfully I would prefer a brother with children as it would give my child siblings.

                Comment


                • #9
                  And by the way, my child would not be there responsibility. He is my responsibility.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by muslimsister91 View Post
                    And by the way, my child would not be there responsibility. He is my responsibility.
                    If you marry someone with kids make sure the child is of the same gender as yours otherwise only take the child if you can feed them milk naturally because if you dont when they are older both the kids will not be considered brother and sister
                    they will be non mehram and will have to wear hijab infront of the other and not be alone in 1 room etc

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                      If you marry someone with kids make sure the child is of the same gender as yours otherwise only take the child if you can feed them milk naturally because if you dont when they are older both the kids will not be considered brother and sister
                      they will be non mehram and will have to wear hijab infront of the other and not be alone in 1 room etc
                      I'm wondering where on Earth you got that? I'd like a source because that just sounds like you've made that up.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by muslimsister91 View Post
                        And by the way, my child would not be there responsibility. He is my responsibility.
                        Would you like to marry someone that doesnt want to take care of your child
                        doesnt see the child as his own

                        i know people who married to single mothers
                        didnt work out well
                        they treated the kid badly
                        neglected them especially after having more kids

                        marry someone who will look at your child as their own

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by muslimsister91 View Post

                          I'm wondering where on Earth you got that? I'd like a source because that just sounds like you've made that up.
                          Instead of saying i make things up study your religion

                          https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.../answers/33711
                          Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 20-05-19, 01:20 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            May Allah bless you with someone who will accept you for you and view your child as his own. May Allah bless you with a husband who goes above and beyond for you guys and brings a coolness to your eyes while you bring a coolness to his. Ameen.

                            All of this hardship you're facing now is something Allah knows you can handle. It's difficult right now and frustrating, but don't lose hope and don't let the responses from these brothers put you down. Allah will provide for you when you least suspect it, so continue making du'a for him and make some du'a for the brothers who rejected you for this too. It could be that once you let go of this frustration and make more du'a for everyone, including those you feel that wronged you, that Allah will open the doors and bless you with a good spouse. Never lose faith Sis.

                            Originally posted by Kaas View Post
                            I understand it though, its not their child so they may fear they wont be able yo connect with it, also the fact that you're not a virgin may be an issue before the child even
                            If that's the case, then as an ummah we are truly lost.

                            During the time of the Prophet (SAW) single mothers were sought after. The Prophet (SAW) himself married Khadija who had kids while he was a virgin. Not to bring up another topic, but we have thread after thread about polygamy and how it's sunnah and yet brothers don't want a divorcee/widower especially one with a child when that is sunnah too.

                            If a brother doesn't want to marry a sister like this, then that's fine. But don't put down the sister for having kids and not being a virgin. That makes no sense.
                            مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                            "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                            It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                            Surah al-Baqarah
                            [2:245]

                            .:.
                            .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                            Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                            .:.
                            ...said the spider to the fly...

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                            • #15
                              I read it wrong.
                              Last edited by Pippin1376; 20-05-19, 02:17 PM.
                              مَّن ذَا الَّذِي يُقْرِضُ اللّهَ قَرْضًا حَسَنًا فَيُضَاعِفَهُ لَهُ أَضْعَافًا كَثِيرَةً وَاللّهُ يَقْبِضُ وَيَبْسُطُ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

                              "Who is he that will loan to Allah a beautiful loan, which Allah will double unto his credit and multiply many times?
                              It is Allah that giveth (you) Want or plenty, and to Him shall be your return."
                              Surah al-Baqarah
                              [2:245]

                              .:.
                              .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
                              Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you

                              .:.
                              ...said the spider to the fly...

                              Comment

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