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How to outweigh the good from the bad

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  • How to outweigh the good from the bad

    Salaam aleiykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    How do you outweigh the good from the bad if all you can see is the negatives of your spouse? And as a woman i know ot is dangerous to become of those who are ungratefull wives, so keeping that in mind, when is one sure they are in a bad marriage and not just an ungratefull woman, may Allah protect us from this.


  • #2
    Your post is quite vague.

    However, from what you have written - it seems you are unhappy.

    Whatever it is you're unhappy about - speak to your husband about it.

    Sometimes we have high expectations of our counterparts - and when they don't meet those expectations, we end up resenting them.

    We need to remember that they are human and will make mistakes. And so will we. The secret is to always think the best of them. Always be merciful and loving towards them.


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    • #3
      Originally posted by UmmChuma View Post
      Salaam aleiykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      How do you outweigh the good from the bad if all you can see is the negatives of your spouse? And as a woman i know ot is dangerous to become of those who are ungratefull wives, so keeping that in mind, when is one sure they are in a bad marriage and not just an ungratefull woman, may Allah protect us from this.
      Waalaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Its quite simple:

      If your spouse is neglecting the rights you have over them for no credible reason.

      If they are making themselves/ yourself distant from Allah SWT.

      Hope that helps.

      Comment


      • #4
        This hadeeth is directed to men with their wives:

        The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): No believing man should hate a believing woman; if he hates one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another. (Reported by Muslim, 2672)

        Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on this hadeeth: I.e., he should not hate her, because although he may find in her one characteristic which he dislikes, he will find something that pleases him. Although she may be ill-tempered, she may also be religious or beautiful or chaste or kind towards him or something like that.

        If all you can see is the negative traits of your husband, then one (or more) of the following can be true:

        1. You just had a fight with him and tensions are high in the home and emotions running; but these feelings can go away if he apologizes to you and you forgive him.

        2. The Shaytan is giving you waswas about your husband.

        3. You have been afflicted with some sort of witchcraft (this should especially be considered if you used to like him and there were no problems, but you started to dislike your husband and see all his negative traits all of a sudden).

        I say this because not seeing the good in your husband and his good characteristics and positive traits is not something normal. Everyone has some good in them, even disbelievers. So how do you not consider your husband's positive traits?

        In any case, if things are that bad between you and you are truly unhappy, then you should try to solve your issues by getting a third person involved or through marriage counseling. Perhaps they can decide if it is truly a bad marriage or not and weigh your options.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post
          This hadeeth is directed to men with their wives:

          The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): No believing man should hate a believing woman; if he hates one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another. (Reported by Muslim, 2672)

          Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his commentary on this hadeeth: I.e., he should not hate her, because although he may find in her one characteristic which he dislikes, he will find something that pleases him. Although she may be ill-tempered, she may also be religious or beautiful or chaste or kind towards him or something like that.

          If all you can see is the negative traits of your husband, then one (or more) of the following can be true:

          1. You just had a fight with him and tensions are high in the home and emotions running; but these feelings can go away if he apologizes to you and you forgive him.

          2. The Shaytan is giving you waswas about your husband.

          3. You have been afflicted with some sort of witchcraft (this should especially be considered if you used to like him and there were no problems, but you started to dislike your husband and see all his negative traits all of a sudden).

          I say this because not seeing the good in your husband and his good characteristics and positive traits is not something normal. Everyone has some good in them, even disbelievers. So how do you not consider your husband's positive traits?

          In any case, if things are that bad between you and you are truly unhappy, then you should try to solve your issues by getting a third person involved or through marriage counseling. Perhaps they can decide if it is truly a bad marriage or not and weigh your options.
          JazakAllahu khair, its true we kinda had a fight so i could only focus on his bad, which are probably more than his good but i will be able to oversee them in sha Allah

          Comment


          • #6
            Try your best to avoid the fights and arguments, as it will only cause stress and ill feelings and will ruin your life. Try to talk to him about what you're unhappy in a normal conversation without arguing. Not because he's right and you're wrong, but for the sake of your sanity.

            Ibrahim ibn Adham reported: Abu Darda said to his wife Umm Darda, may Allah be pleased with both of them, If I become angry, then try to please me. If you become angry, then I will try to please you. Were we not to act this way, how quickly would we be separated!

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            • #7
              Didn't you notice all these negatives before marriage? Did he change or what?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Farah. A View Post
                Didn't you notice all these negatives before marriage? Did he change or what?
                I focussed only on islam before marriage, his negatives are all characteristics that aren linked to deen, but they affect me a lot

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by UmmChuma View Post

                  I focussed only on islam before marriage, his negatives are all characteristics that aren linked to deen, but they affect me a lot
                  Speak to him directly. Or get a person you both trust - to intervene.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I know this is not Islamic (not unislamic either), but I know Muslims who have read the book "relationship rescue" by Dr Phil McGraw and they said they found it helpful.* It helped them to understand their marriages in a different way.* For example, a wife might mention some concerns to her husband about something (eg an argument with an unpleasant neighbour or that their child misbehaved in school) and her husband carries on watching TV and barely saying "hmm" in response, so then the wife feels neglected or that he never listens to her whereas it could just be that by nature he's very reserved and has little to say but it doesn't mean he's unconcerned about his family, he just might show it in other ways that she'd view as irrelevant or unhelpful.* That's just an example.* I know I'm not giving you "Islamic" advice like what you'd find on a fatwa site (I'm a lay muslim anyway so not qualified to give a fatwa), but I did that because you said your disagreement with your husband is not related to deen, it is related to the personal interactions between you and a book like this can help improve that side of things inshaAllah. *

                    If there was something serious going on like he was doing haram things, not fulfilling your rights as a wife, raised his hand against you or intimidated you, then that would be very different and should be taken seriously as a red flag.* I don't think that merely advising to "have sabr" or "don't argue" will help the situation in a constructive way.
                    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by neelu View Post
                      I know this is not Islamic (not unislamic either), but I know Muslims who have read the book "relationship rescue" by Dr Phil McGraw and they said they found it helpful.* It helped them to understand their marriages in a different way.* For example, a wife might mention some concerns to her husband about something (eg an argument with an unpleasant neighbour or that their child misbehaved in school) and her husband carries on watching TV and barely saying "hmm" in response, so then the wife feels neglected or that he never listens to her whereas it could just be that by nature he's very reserved and has little to say but it doesn't mean he's unconcerned about his family, he just might show it in other ways that she'd view as irrelevant or unhelpful.* That's just an example.* I know I'm not giving you "Islamic" advice like what you'd find on a fatwa site (I'm a lay muslim anyway so not qualified to give a fatwa), but I did that because you said your disagreement with your husband is not related to deen, it is related to the personal interactions between you and a book like this can help improve that side of things inshaAllah. *

                      If there was something serious going on like he was doing haram things, not fulfilling your rights as a wife, raised his hand against you or intimidated you, then that would be very different and should be taken seriously as a red flag.* I don't think that merely advising to "have sabr" or "don't argue" will help the situation in a constructive way.
                      Yea sis thats the thing, he comes across as very cold and its actually hard work to see his kindness in the small things he does, like i feel i have to be so vigilant to see it and i suppose it frustrated me... but i guess its also me that has to detach from dunya in order not to make that a big deal, wether hes kind to me or not i will try to ignore it and just focus on myself. And i think that will make him happy too so that he's kinda left alone

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Indefinable View Post

                        Speak to him directly. Or get a person you both trust - to intervene.
                        Yea we speak about it a lot tbh he has issues with how soft and emotional i am and i have issues with how hard and emotianally unavailable he is but its hard to find common ground. I did kinda make a switch in my head when i wrote op not to care too much anymore wether he smiles at me or frowns at me. But I'll still apreciate the things he does do instead of focus on what he doesnt do, because its detrimental to me and i think its a sign of attachment to dunya.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by UmmChuma View Post

                          Yea we speak about it a lot tbh he has issues with how soft and emotional i am and i have issues with how hard and emotianally unavailable he is but its hard to find common ground. I did kinda make a switch in my head when i wrote op not to care too much anymore wether he smiles at me or frowns at me. But I'll still apreciate the things he does do instead of focus on what he doesnt do, because its detrimental to me and i think its a sign of attachment to dunya.
                          You're probably just different personalities.

                          If he practices Islaam, gives you your rights, provides for you, and treats you with respect - then focus on those qualities.

                          Remember Shaytaan is always trying to create discord between a married couple.

                          He may not smile at you - but that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate you.

                          Being emotionally available - it means different things to different people.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I'm sure he didnt marry you in order to frown at you and be cold to you. I don't think many Muslim men from our generation go into their marriage like that.

                            Maybe he has a lot to deal with and common dunya stresses and he sees you and your emotional needs as an additional burden. Maybe you should consider each other's feelings instead of focusing on your own needs.

                            Just know that his frowning isnt for no reason.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Abu Abdur_Rahman View Post
                              I'm sure he didnt marry you in order to frown at you and be cold to you. I don't think many Muslim men from our generation go into their marriage like that.

                              Maybe he has a lot to deal with and common dunya stresses and he sees you and your emotional needs as an additional burden. Maybe you should consider each other's feelings instead of focusing on your own needs.

                              Just know that his frowning isnt for no reason.
                              Yea you're probably right, with frowning i mean like he has a neutral face on all the time and when he looks at me he just stays neutral so i suppose he doesnt frown, its just weird to me, he definately didn't marry for romance, he only wants children and to get his needs. But i guess he does care about me.

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