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How to deal with mother that keeps rejecting good potentials based on race.

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  • How to deal with mother that keeps rejecting good potentials based on race.

    I've asked around everywhere and found it quite hard to find someone practicing (this is almost my only requirement, I'm not super picky at all) to get married.

    We found one person whose deen I was happy with, but my mum said no as they were Sri Lankan. I thought I would defer to their judgement so I said no to them.

    Maybe 6 months later, finally find someone else who I am happy with, but mum is again saying no as they are Pakistani.

    For what its worth, we are Indian. My mum seems obsessed with me marrying someone from back home, or at least from India - whilst I don't care one bit about race. And I absolutely don't want to marry from back home - obviously it suited mum and dad marrying each other as they were both from back home - but I was raised in the West.

    I should add - we DON'T KNOW any Indian girls looking to get married anyway ... she's just hoping someone randomly appears even though we have looked and not found anyone. The few Indian families I do know (they don't have daughters) don't seem to be practicing in the same way I would like either. I have 0 preference for Indians - I just want a like minded muslim.

    I don't know if I should just put my foot down and say I am going to marry them. I always wanted my family to be happy with my marriage but they are just making life so difficult and not providing any alternatives. And now she is trying to scare me by saying X race is no good and will leave me.

    I feel like there is no point looking anymore - as mum will just reject anyone that comes up.

    Last edited by Sabr; 22-04-19, 07:43 AM.

  • #2
    "And now she is trying to scare me by saying X race is no good and will leave me." heard this one before, seems to a common tactic by parents.

    My advice to you bro is that if you are getting to a point where you're becoming really frustrated then go ahead and marry.You are a man and you do not require your parent's permission. But please make sure that any potential girl is aware of the situation and so is mentally ready to deal with any potential problems caused your parents in the marriage.¬*

    Some peeps may not agree with me on this but in my opinion its just gto be done sometimes where parents are being unreasonable for so long. Pray istikhara before undertaking marriage though.

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    • #3
      You will end up never getting married. You canít please everyone. It comes down to sacrificing your own happiness or your mothers.

      Your a a man so you donít need a wali, how come your mother is the one making decisions on your marriage? Is that a cultural thing?

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      • #4
        Its unfortunate that your parents have this attitude given the scarcity of women from your own community. As mentioned, If you do decide to go against the wishes of your parents, please do make it crystal clear to the potential and her family that your parents will not be accepting of her and may try to create problems down the line.Do not be tempted to downplay it or minimise their opposition.

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        • #5
          1) If your mom really wants you to marry back home, she will reject every proposal until she gets what she wants. During my marriage search, I learned pretty quickly that if a mother is thinking about taking her son back home to marry but still indulging proposals here just incase they find the perfect girl...... 90% chance she will find a flaw in me & reject me not because there is something wrong with the girls here but the imaginary girl she has in mind from back home is too strong. Only after visiting back home & seeing the reality do most mothers calm down & even some don't. We all have an image of what we want & its hard to fight that off

          2) Most desi people still are not comfortable with intercultural marriage. Yes the cultures are similar but not same & there are lots of worries around it including not being able to mingle with your inlaws because of language barrier. If you put your foot down most parents will agree because the cultures are similar but if she can help it, she will stop you.

          3) India is a huge country and you don't know any Indian girls who are looking to get married yet you manage to find someone from Sri Lanka which is fraction of India's size? Maybe do little bit more networking and you will find the right girl

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          • #6
            So they rejected this person since she is from Pakistan? What religion do your parents follow?
            46 & 2?

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            • #7
              Originally posted by mgilani View Post
              So they rejected this person since she is from Pakistan? What religion do your parents follow?
              Loll is pakistan sacred?
              Please visit my Youtube cooking channel

              https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiv...YMkhbbgtX-lL8Q

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              • #8
                [QUOTE=mgilani;n12620440]So they rejected this person since she is from Pakistan? What religion do your parents follow? [/QUOTE

                A lot of families do that, but more people just need to stand up for themselves, especially men. The fact that you donít need a wali should make things easier.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Medic View Post
                  "And now she is trying to scare me by saying X race is no good and will leave me." heard this one before, seems to a common tactic by parents.

                  My advice to you bro is that if you are getting to a point where you're becoming really frustrated then go ahead and marry.You are a man and you do not require your parent's permission. But please make sure that any potential girl is aware of the situation and so is mentally ready to deal with any potential problems caused your parents in the marriage.¬*

                  Some peeps may not agree with me on this but in my opinion its just gto be done sometimes where parents are being unreasonable for so long. Pray istikhara before undertaking marriage though.
                  Thank you. I think this is the way to go.



                  Originally posted by Janna90 View Post
                  You will end up never getting married. You canít please everyone. It comes down to sacrificing your own happiness or your mothers.

                  Your a a man so you donít need a wali, how come your mother is the one making decisions on your marriage? Is that a cultural thing?
                  I always wanted my parents to approve of whoever I picked - I was hoping they would be the rational side to the choice (e.g. in case I was just swayed by emotions, looks etc). Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening and I feel I am the one thinking more clearly in this whole thing.

                  Originally posted by Oakenshield View Post
                  Its unfortunate that your parents have this attitude given the scarcity of women from your own community. As mentioned, If you do decide to go against the wishes of your parents, please do make it crystal clear to the potential and her family that your parents will not be accepting of her and may try to create problems down the line.Do not be tempted to downplay it or minimise their opposition.
                  Will do. Thanks.



                  Originally posted by Kya View Post
                  1) During my marriage search, I learned pretty quickly that if a mother is thinking about taking her son back home to marry but still indulging proposals here just incase they find the perfect girl...... 90% chance she will find a flaw in me & reject me not because there is something wrong with the girls here but the imaginary girl she has in mind from back home is too strong
                  Exactly. They seem to be bringing up trivial issues about her as an excuse to reject her.

                  It's honestly so hard to find someone practicing here - yet alone someone that meets other criteria on top of that.

                  Originally posted by Kya View Post

                  3) India is a huge country and you don't know any Indian girls who are looking to get married yet you manage to find someone from Sri Lanka which is fraction of India's size? Maybe do little bit more networking and you will find the right girl
                  I don't know why this is - but at the masjids in my city there are masses of Bangalis/Pakis/Fijians but very few Indians - Always puzzled me. The Sri Lankan proposal was just randomly out of the blue where someone's father in the masjid approached me. I didn't go looking for it.

                  However, I thought I would take my parents advice here because they were wiser and older and said no to it. I didn't realise when another person suitable came along they would do the exact same thing.

                  Originally posted by mgilani View Post
                  So they rejected this person since she is from Pakistan? What religion do your parents follow?
                  We are muslim. And strong practicing muslims - For some reason though they never understood racism. I guess since they grew up in India and didn't have it drilled into them/didn't live in a multicultural community until they were older. I don't understand why they said no to a Sri Lankan - but they have always had a complex about Pakistanis (not saying this is the true at all - but they always felt Pakistanis look down on Indians as lesser muslims). To be honest I haven't lived in India so I don't really understand the whole mindset and stuff.
                  Last edited by Sabr; 22-04-19, 08:13 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Kya View Post

                    2) Most desi people still are not comfortable with intercultural marriage. Yes the cultures are similar but not same & there are lots of worries around it including not being able to mingle with your inlaws because of language barrier.
                    I think that's definitely part of it. I think its completely unfair on me though - for them to put someone they can mingle with above someone I can speak and communicate clearly with (my English is much stronger than the Indian language I speak). I am the one that will be living with the person after all.

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                    • #11
                      if they keep rejecting then tell them to find one, if they can't ell them your making your own choice, this is the reason there is huge trials for muslims, remaining unmarried for long periods of time for no good reason

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Kya View Post
                        3) India is a huge country and you don't know any Indian girls who are looking to get married yet you manage to find someone from Sri Lanka which is fraction of India's size? Maybe do little bit more networking and you will find the right girl
                        Sorry - I misunderstood what you mean. I wasn't clear enough - I meant we don't know any Indian families in the country we are living in now - who have daughters looking to get married.

                        Could snap someone up back home pretty easily but that's not what I want.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Bayna3 View Post
                          if they keep rejecting then tell them to find one, if they can't ell them your making your own choice, this is the reason there is huge trials for muslims, remaining unmarried for long periods of time for no good reason
                          I have tried this and they keep saying marriage won't happen overnight and to wait until someone (magically) pops up. I think it is time I put my foot down.

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                          • #14
                            Now I understand why your username is sabr. The struggle is real. I agree with Medic, however be wise about it and include your parents as much as possible. A nikah between two ppl is supposed to bring joy and happiness. You don't want your parents to be frowning that day.. May Allah make it easy for you - Ameen..
                            Last edited by Umm Uthmaan; 22-04-19, 11:33 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Umm Uthmaan View Post
                              Now I understand why your username is sabr. The struggle is real. I agree with Medic, however be wise about it and include your parents as much as possible. A nikah between two ppl is supposed to bring joy and happiness. You don't want your parents to be frowning that day.. May Allah make it easy for you - Ameen..
                              Clever - you are actually right! I did make this account primarily to get marriage advice at ummah forum - and hence the username when going through all this.

                              JazaakAllahKhair for your advice and duas.

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