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How to deal with mother that keeps rejecting good potentials based on race.

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  • #16
    Originally posted by Kaas View Post

    Loll is pakistan sacred?
    when you finally grow up you will perhaps understand that the point being made was that it should be sufficient that the person he picked is a Muslim. Nationality & racial background should be irrelevant as it is against when the prophet said and what he said was sacred or do you think he was just horsing around? As there are no guarantees in life so assumptions that the marriage with a person on a certain background would not last seems to come from some very insecure & loser types. In our Pakistani family, we have girls and boys married into our family from afghan, african american , Indian and latin american backgrounds. They are all Muslims of course.
    46 & 2?

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    • #17
      Originally posted by mgilani View Post

      when you finally grow up you will perhaps understand that the point being made was that it should be sufficient that the person he picked is a Muslim. Nationality & racial background should be irrelevant as it is against when the prophet said and what he said was sacred or do you think he was just horsing around? As there are no guarantees in life so assumptions that the marriage with a person on a certain background would not last seems to come from some very insecure & loser types. In our Pakistani family, we have girls and boys married into our family from afghan, african american , Indian and latin american backgrounds. They are all Muslims of course.
      No need to insult or name call people when advising them - that's not how our prophet s.a.w. behaved - and it won't help get a point across. I don't think Kaas meant that much offense anyway.

      I disagree that it is from loser types that you claim as well - they are just hoping to minimize cultural differences to protect their children from disputes. Insecure, I agree with.

      في أمان الله
      Last edited by Sabr; 23-04-19, 03:56 AM.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Sabr View Post
        I've asked around everywhere and found it quite hard to find someone practicing (this is almost my only requirement, I'm not super picky at all) to get married.

        We found one person whose deen I was happy with, but my mum said no as they were Sri Lankan. I thought I would defer to their judgement so I said no to them.

        Maybe 6 months later, finally find someone else who I am happy with, but mum is again saying no as they are Pakistani.

        For what its worth, we are Indian. My mum seems obsessed with me marrying someone from back home, or at least from India - whilst I don't care one bit about race. And I absolutely don't want to marry from back home - obviously it suited mum and dad marrying each other as they were both from back home - but I was raised in the West.

        I should add - we DON'T KNOW any Indian girls looking to get married anyway ... she's just hoping someone randomly appears even though we have looked and not found anyone. The few Indian families I do know (they don't have daughters) don't seem to be practicing in the same way I would like either. I have 0 preference for Indians - I just want a like minded muslim.

        I don't know if I should just put my foot down and say I am going to marry them. I always wanted my family to be happy with my marriage but they are just making life so difficult and not providing any alternatives. And now she is trying to scare me by saying X race is no good and will leave me.

        I feel like there is no point looking anymore - as mum will just reject anyone that comes up.
        Tell her enough is enough.

        They migrate to the West but they don't understand that their kids aren't from Pakistan or from India or from Afghanistan or wherever. They are now British (or American or whatever).

        Some people worship their culture and have taken it as a religion instead of Islam. It governs their lives instead of Islam. They bring this religion of theirs to the West. They are also extremely racist and prideful, while they have no honor whatsoever because they have rejected Islam in practice.

        Most of these people want to bring a girl for their son from back home so she can serve them and take care of the house. Everyone wants to serve their own interests. They don't care what their sons or daughters want or feel they are more compatible with. They think they know everything, but often times they are extremely ignorant.

        So leave this nonsense and marry who you think you'll match with.

        In the West, if you want someone religious, you can't be picky about looks or ethnicity or whatever else.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post

          Tell her enough is enough.

          They migrate to the West but they don't understand that their kids aren't from Pakistan or from India or from Afghanistan or wherever. They are now British (or American or whatever).

          Some people worship their culture and have taken it as a religion instead of Islam. It governs their lives instead of Islam. They bring this religion of theirs to the West. They are also extremely racist and prideful, while they have no honor whatsoever because they have rejected Islam in practice.

          Most of these people want to bring a girl for their son from back home so she can serve them and take care of the house. Everyone wants to serve their own interests. They don't care what their sons or daughters want or feel they are more compatible with. They think they know everything, but often times they are extremely ignorant.

          So leave this nonsense and marry who you think you'll match with.

          In the West, if you want someone religious, you can't be picky about looks or ethnicity or whatever else.
          JazaakAllahKhair for the advice. Will do.

          For the record - my parent's aren't that cultural or anything - it seems to be a genuine fear from them because of the marriages they have seen around us in the West which broke down after 1 or 2 years. Including from our family who have married locally. I think for some reason they also have less fear of Indian women and think they will treat their husbands with more respect than other races - I guess just due to familiarity.

          They definitely won't be expecting her to look after the house or anything. I live away from home due to work,

          Thanks for the rest of what you said - was helpful.

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          • #20
            Your parents seem like nice people. Just seem like they're suffering from the fear of the unknown. May Allah bless them. Keep up the effort to persuade them gently but¬*strenuously.¬*

            Look for allies in your family amongst uncles aunties etc who may be able to back you up and help persuade your parents
            Last edited by Medic; 23-04-19, 07:44 AM.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Medic View Post
              Your parents seem like nice people. Just seem like they're suffering from the fear of the unknown. May Allah bless them. Keep up the effort to persuade them gently but¬*strenuously.¬*
              JazaakAllahKhair thank you.

              Will do. I think I may have been too argumentative about it with them too (it just got me really frustrated because all my efforts in finding a potential spouse seemed wasted because when I finally find one they just say no) and may need to try a different approach to persuade them.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Sabr View Post

                JazaakAllahKhair thank you.

                Will do. I think I may have been too argumentative about it with them too (it just got me really frustrated because all my efforts in finding a potential spouse seemed wasted because when I finally find one they just say no) and may need to try a different approach to persuade them.
                What do you normally say to them in a discussion? What kind of reasoning do you use?

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by mgilani View Post

                  when you finally grow up you will perhaps understand that the point being made was that it should be sufficient that the person he picked is a Muslim. Nationality & racial background should be irrelevant as it is against when the prophet said and what he said was sacred or do you think he was just horsing around? As there are no guarantees in life so assumptions that the marriage with a person on a certain background would not last seems to come from some very insecure & loser types. In our Pakistani family, we have girls and boys married into our family from afghan, african american , Indian and latin american backgrounds. They are all Muslims of course.
                  No no, i totally agree with you, but i misunderstood your comment
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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Medic View Post

                    What do you normally say to them in a discussion? What kind of reasoning do you use?
                    I've tried -

                    1) I prefer someone who grew up in a similar situation to me (in the West) as we will have more in common. Marrying from India suited you and dad when you got married because you both grew up in Indian. But I am the one that will be living with them and need someone like me.

                    2) I prefer someone who grew up here as they will better understand how to raise females here - Look at all the other families whose kids have gone off the rail (okay I guess this was back-biting - but I honestly did not know how to make a point to them otherwise)

                    3) I need someone who I can communicate clearly with - as I can't speak my other language very well

                    To all those they say women here will leave you, won't respect a man etc.

                    4) We have looked for ages and haven't found any Indian girls locally to marry - I can't afford to be picky and let another suitable person go -> They respond it will take time

                    5) I've tried telling them that all the other parent's didn't have a problem with their kids marrying other races - even people who just converted to marry - and that I am not doing anything like that and am going through all the halaal channels

                    All the other points they have made have been trivial details that aren't even important - more just an excuse to reject someone.

                    ---

                    I've tried a whole heap of other things but I hoenstly don't think speaking about it to them in a pros and cons sense is going to work and that I need to try something else.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Sabr View Post

                      I've tried -

                      1) I prefer someone who grew up in a similar situation to me (in the West) as we will have more in common. Marrying from India suited you and dad when you got married because you both grew up in Indian. But I am the one that will be living with them and need someone like me.

                      2) I prefer someone who grew up here as they will better understand how to raise females here - Look at all the other families whose kids have gone off the rail (okay I guess this was back-biting - but I honestly did not know how to make a point to them otherwise)

                      3) I need someone who I can communicate clearly with - as I can't speak my other language very well

                      To all those they say women here will leave you, won't respect a man etc.

                      4) We have looked for ages and haven't found any Indian girls locally to marry - I can't afford to be picky and let another suitable person go -> They respond it will take time

                      5) I've tried telling them that all the other parent's didn't have a problem with their kids marrying other races - even people who just converted to marry - and that I am not doing anything like that and am going through all the halaal channels

                      All the other points they have made have been trivial details that aren't even important - more just an excuse to reject someone.

                      ---

                      I've tried a whole heap of other things but I hoenstly don't think speaking about it to them in a pros and cons sense is going to work and that I need to try something else.
                      Speaking from experience, it sounds like there just making excuses till you agree to what they want. You can keep explaining, but they will never understand because there set in their ways. They grew up with a different mentality so thatís all they know. But whatís famiiiar and more comfortable for them, may not be as familiar and comfortable for you.

                      And You say there not cultural but that sounds pretty cultural To me. To think someone back home will be better, and not leave you is a cultural mentality. It is not a guarantee that the marriage will work. Divorce can happen to anyone, There concerns are not a valid reason to reject someone based on their race. The least they could of done is at least considered the potentials. And if they see that itís not working then itís more understandable to reject them. But to outright just reject them because they heard what country they were from is not acceptable. Especially if the people were pious and come from good families. I have had similar experience with some members in my family, and Alhamdulilah they donít think like that now. But the only difference is I needed permission from my wali so I remained patient. But you donít need permission, am not saying just leave and get married. But you need to tell them you want to get married and you would like to choose your own spouse and there just going to have to be okay with it. Stop waiting for them to accept it because they never will. You will just waste your years away trying to explain something they will never understand.

                      Not every family is the same I know that. But living in fear is definitely not from Islam, When you get married your putting your trust in Allah. Do you think everyone that gets married, plans for a divorce? They need to have more trust in Allah and stop thinking like this. Your wasting time and effort, when it could of been spent in looking for good potentials. Remember, We cannot be in control of every single aspect of our life. We put it in the effort and leave the rest to Allah.
                      Last edited by Janna90; 23-04-19, 11:12 AM.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Sabr View Post

                        I've tried -

                        1) I prefer someone who grew up in a similar situation to me (in the West) as we will have more in common. Marrying from India suited you and dad when you got married because you both grew up in Indian. But I am the one that will be living with them and need someone like me.

                        2) I prefer someone who grew up here as they will better understand how to raise females here - Look at all the other families whose kids have gone off the rail (okay I guess this was back-biting - but I honestly did not know how to make a point to them otherwise)

                        3) I need someone who I can communicate clearly with - as I can't speak my other language very well

                        To all those they say women here will leave you, won't respect a man etc.

                        4) We have looked for ages and haven't found any Indian girls locally to marry - I can't afford to be picky and let another suitable person go -> They respond it will take time

                        5) I've tried telling them that all the other parent's didn't have a problem with their kids marrying other races - even people who just converted to marry - and that I am not doing anything like that and am going through all the halaal channels

                        All the other points they have made have been trivial details that aren't even important - more just an excuse to reject someone.

                        ---

                        I've tried a whole heap of other things but I hoenstly don't think speaking about it to them in a pros and cons sense is going to work and that I need to try something else.
                        I see man, atleast you've been pretty thorough at the persuasion attempts.

                        Is there a family member who can support you, someone who your parents may listen to?

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