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Genuinely In need of Help amongst Family and Relationship

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  • Genuinely In need of Help amongst Family and Relationship

    Salaam brothers and sisters,
    My story is quite a tedious one with an obvious answer to my plea for assistance and advice, however I'm in a sensitive state of mind and am not thinking straight. I used to be a very religious person who attempted to never miss a single prayer however over time I begun to stray away from deen. 2 years ago I fell in love with a girl I met in college and we started a relationship together. It was an amazing feeling of happiness and I was keeping up with my deen at the time as well. Over time some bumps came along and I slowly started to stop praying. A year into our relationship my sister told my parents about my relationship as it was hidden from them and they kept asking her questions as to why I was always going out. She revealed my sins to them and they became furious, I panicked and lied over and over again until they went to her house and told them that we cant be together. We were of different ethnic backgrounds however we're both muslims alhamdulilah. Her parents became furious and an argument between the 2 families occurred. We broke up but she came back to me with a broken heart and told me she didn't want it to end the way it was ending and I agreed. So we continued our relationship hidden from our parents however there were many problems thereafter because of how she was feeling over what my parents did. I began to feel a hatred towards them for having racism towards other cultures and doing what they did. The relationship started to get better but something occurred again one year later. My father saw us together and I spoke to him when he found out, he remained calm and told me he wont tell anyone as long as I make sure we end. She was so incredibly scared SHE said she couldn't continue being in this relationship with this scare. Our relationship wasn't a halal one and I acknowledge that haram relationships never work out, however, I love this woman so dearly and deeply I can't bear losing her. I know Allah (swt) may have someone better in store for the both of us, but the happiness and love I receive from her is something that makes me feel like shes the woman Allah (swt) has written for me. I'm willing to do anything if it means I can be with her. Please brothers and sisters advise me on what to do. My mother is very strict and unreasonable telling me I can't marry or pick a girl from certain countries which isn't right nor fair. My father is a bit more understanding and reasonable however out of the love he has for my mother, he doesn't want us to be together. This is a woman I love brothers and sisters for the sake of Allah (swt) as well. I will do anything. I've been told by my mother, that no matter what sin I do, Allah (swt) will not let me continue that sin out of the love he has for me and as such Allah (swt) will always show my parents what wrongdoings I do. When I got into this relationship my intentions were pure, I wanted to bring her closer to deen and bring her closer to Allah (swt) and I still want that with her.

  • #2
    As some of you might say, neither of us can get married as we're too young we're both attempting to pursue very difficult time consuming careers, however her mother wants her to find a decent person to get married to in the next 2 years or so while my mother as unreasonable as she can be doesnt want me to get married till very late.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Abdullah20 View Post
      As some of you might say, neither of us can get married as we're too young we're both attempting to pursue very difficult time consuming careers, however her mother wants her to find a decent person to get married to in the next 2 years or so while my mother as unreasonable as she can be doesnt want me to get married till very late.
      A man does not need a wali to get married. This post doesn’t sound like your ready for marriage, if your mother still has full control over you.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

        A man does not need a wali to get married. This post doesn’t sound like your ready for marriage, if your mother still has full control over you.
        Thank you for your response on the matter. Part of me does fear marriage such that I'm unsure if i would be able to balance pursuing my medical career with my marriage life. The other issue that lays here, is that due to the argument between our families, her family has made it known to her that they dont want her marrying me as they dont approve of my family due to their actions of abruptly going to their home and starting a racist fight. Her family also doesnt approve of my ethnic background as well. The more I think about it the more I consider taking this about in a different way such that we both repent to Allah (swt) for our sins and if she can't get her father or brother to agree then we find a muslim brother on her behalf to be her wali and we do a nikkah
        Last edited by Abdullah20; 21-04-19, 02:03 AM.

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        • #5
          What would be the proper way to go about this? My father told me my mother was against us being together and how she'd kill herself or drive herself insane. I feel as though I'm being manipulated to not be with someone I love for invalid reasons. I dont want my mother or father to be in depression. I care alot about how they feel but I feel as though its unfair.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Abdullah20 View Post

            Thank you for your response on the matter. Part of me does fear marriage such that I'm unsure if i would be able to balance pursuing my medical career with my marriage life. The other issue that lays here, is that due to the argument between our families, her family has made it known to her that they dont want her marrying me as they dont approve of my family due to their actions of abruptly going to their home and starting a racist fight. Her family also doesnt approve of my ethnic background as well. The more I think about it the more I consider taking this about in a different way such that we both repent to Allah (swt) for our sins and if she can't get her father or brother to agree then we find a muslim brother on her behalf to be her wali and we do a nikkah
            I don’t think what your family did was right. If they were upset that you were in a haram relationship, that’s one thing, but to express their racism outwardly is just wrong.

            Well that sounds like a bad idea, you will both end up being in bad terms with your families. If she turns her back on her father as a wali she will never get that respect back. I would say try to speak to her father, keep insisting. If the situation gets worse then just leave it.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Abdullah20 View Post
              What would be the proper way to go about this? My father told me my mother was against us being together and how she'd kill herself or drive herself insane. I feel as though I'm being manipulated to not be with someone I love for invalid reasons. I dont want my mother or father to be in depression. I care alot about how they feel but I feel as though its unfair.
              May I ask, how old you are?
              Last edited by Janna90; 21-04-19, 02:15 AM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

                I don’t think what your family did was right. If they were upset that you were in a haram relationship, that’s one thing, but to express their racism outwardly is just wrong.

                Well that sounds like a bad idea, you will both end up being in bad terms with your families. If she turns her back on her father as a wali she will never get that respect back. I would say try to speak to her father, keep insisting. If the situation gets worse then just leave it.
                Alot of people have agreed that my parents actions were wrong especially the racism and telling her family that were incompatible for ethnic reasons. Also we are both 21 years old turning 22.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Abdullah20 View Post

                  Alot of people have agreed that my parents actions were wrong especially the racism and telling her family that were incompatible for ethnic reasons. Also we are both 21 years old turning 22.
                  Why dont you speak to a sheikh and get some advice. Maybe a third party needs to intervene and speak to both families. If marriage is what you want, then theres nothing wrong with you trying your best to make it halal. But in the meantime, try to think about things logically. Sometimes when theres alot of feelings involved, you may not see the bigger picture. If theres potential that your families can be persuaded then go ahead make the effort. Pray istikhara as well, Allah will guide you to whats best for you.

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