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  • Husband Desperately Wants Polygamy

    Assalam alaikum,

    I am seeking advice from this community on how to handle this situation. Not sure if it's the wisest thing to do but perhaps you all have witnessed or have been part of a similar situation and can assist on how to solve this. I will say first that I do not want to divorce my husband at this time. I have thought about it recently and have decided if things do not improve by the end of Ramadan I will have to part ways, mostly because of the mental agony he is causing me. It's so bad that I can barely concentrate at work and I have a demanding position.

    Here goes:

    A few years ago he requested polygamy. Being naive (I was Muslim for 5 years at the time) I said yes just to make him happy. His happiness meant everything to me. When I saw his desperation and the way he was going about seeking a 2nd wife, I backed out of it. It made me realize that he was not meant for polygamy and I would not be able to handle it. In those 2 years he has mentioned polygamy on/off, I would usually just scold him/pinch him and he would stop bothering me about it. Recently, due to other issues, his depressive episodes have increased and he took the step to approach 2 different women. One of them was a friend of mine. I requested that he not pursue this sister because there are many negative things surrounding her. Her character was questionable. We know a family that took this sister in as a co-wife and there was chaos in that household. He promised not to contact her anymore. A week later I found out that he was still communicating with her and they were planning on marrying secretly. Once I found this out, as you can imagine I was devastated and hurt. At the time he claimed that a secret marriage is okay and completely halal. There was a lot of drama that ensued after I found out about their plans but I will leave that out for now. The other sister that he pursued was a sister who is 16 years younger than him and has only been Muslim for 1 month. She was deeply offended by his proposition! Something else I should add is there is a brother my husband is close to who has a secret wife and recently had a secret baby with her all behind his wifes back. His 1st wife has even been around that sister and had no clue. I believe that this brother has influenced my husband to accept this. Prior to this event he thought these actions were horrible and now he is more accepting of it subhanallah.

    Where we are now:
    I have decided to pretend that I accept polygamy just so that he does not pursue a secret marriage. I have even gone through creating a profile for him on marriage sites. I have told him that this is risky and it will likely dissolve my marriage. Three different imams have told him not to pursue polygamy and have given him other ideas to resolve the issues he has but he ignores their advice and my warning. Every day he is persistent with me about my efforts in pursuing a wife for him. This drives me crazy. It's like he wants me to pursue everyone I know to ask them if they know anyone for him. He also does not accept rejection well and gets upset when a sister tells him she is not interested, or if a marriage site rejects him for wanting polygamy. I have explained to him that polygamy is a taboo subject and many woman are not open to this idea because of the horror stories associated with it. He gets mad at this idea.

    To add some context, I am his second wife. He is divorced with 3 kids from his 1st wife who he has not had contact with in almost a year now. We have had a pretty nice happy, loving and caring marriage with little turmoil. I feel deeply connected to him and love him. He says he feels the same way for me. My husband is also very pious, prays, fasts and is considered a leader in the dawah community. For the past few years he has gone through depressed episodes where he has alienated himself from people and refuses to attend social events. I make dua every day. I have increased my sadaqa and have done self-ruqya. I have even placed the water in a bottle and spray him with it every day before he leave to work!

    My question to you all is, what do I do? How do I handle this? Please also make dua for this situation to resolve peacefully and calmly inshaAllah.
    Last edited by Hijabi4life; 15-04-19, 06:46 PM.

  • #2
    I dont see the issue here. Your husband is a man, and he knows whats best, let him take a seccond wife whats the worst that can happen? You holding him down and belittling his ability is only going to make him dispise you and do what he wants without consulting you about it anyway
    Please visit my Youtube cooking channel

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    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Kaas View Post
      I dont see the issue here. Your husband is a man, and he knows whats best, let him take a seccond wife whats the worst that can happen? You holding him down and belittling his ability is only going to make him dispise you and do what he wants without consulting you about it anyway
      Maybe the way he’s going on about it, is not the right way. Him contacting the sister without a mahram is not right. And she said he’s pious so surely he should know better.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

        Maybe the way he’s going on about it, is not the right way. Him contacting the sister without a mahram is not right. And she said he’s pious so surely he should know better.
        He has been yearning for this for 5 years and his wife keeps trying to stop him, its inevitable that he will go behind her back, yes he should contact a mahram and not the girl herself, but the man made up his mind apparently, so if the woman isnt going to be good for him maybe he'll regret it but thats his decision.
        Please visit my Youtube cooking channel

        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiv...YMkhbbgtX-lL8Q

        Comment


        • #5
          Why is he depressed? He needs to be happy in the first marriage in order to seek a second one.


          Tricky situation.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Janna90 View Post
            Why is he depressed? He needs to be happy in the first marriage in order to seek a second one.


            Tricky situation.
            He is depressed because he had a very rocky 1st marriage where now he can not communicate with his 3 children. Also, I have not been able to give him any children. Nothing wrong with me, it just hasn't been my Qadr. If we were in a 100% happy marriage and he was stable I'd risk it but the condition we are in is not suitable for polygamy. An imam informed us that only 10% of polygamy situations work and it's when the wife is on board or has little interest in her husband.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Janna90 View Post

              Maybe the way he’s going on about it, is not the right way. Him contacting the sister without a mahram is not right. And she said he’s pious so surely he should know better.
              You have this sort of thing going on online all the time. Sometimes initiated by the sister, sometimes the brother.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Hijabi4life View Post

                He is depressed because he had a very rocky 1st marriage where now he can not communicate with his 3 children. Also, I have not been able to give him any children. Nothing wrong with me, it just hasn't been my Qadr. If we were in a 100% happy marriage and he was stable I'd risk it but the condition we are in is not suitable for polygamy. An imam informed us that only 10% of polygamy situations work and it's when the wife is on board or has little interest in her husband.
                You know what you are going to do if he does get married. I'm not sure what it is that you want to hear.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sounds like what madkhalis do

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Secret marriage crap what the flip
                    bound to be disasterous

                    And why do these sisters go behind their friends back and marry their husband( this not the 1st time u heard or read this)

                    what kind of friends are these

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      He seems eager to get a 2nd wife better to do it publically then secretly help him get the best wife possible not some idiot that will ruin your marriage

                      dont get divorce this can be sorted in sha Allah
                      maybe he just needs to see how hard it is to handle 2 families but in sha Allah even if he did if u help him choose a good wife maybe it can succeed and be good

                      just make sure he gives equal time , rights and can afford it

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I know you might not want to hear this sister, but the more you insist that he doesn’t, the more he will want to. People will always want what they can’t have. I think you should just let it be and let him find a wife. I don’t think you need to go to the extent of looking for him. Maybe being part of it will effect you negatively. Sometimes the less you know the better. Just tell him if he wants another wife, he can go and find one. You have no obligation to be the one looking for him. And maybe your feeling the pressure in looking and this is making you resent it even more. You don’t need to look for him, in fact I would say the opposite stop looking for him. He’s the one that should make an effort. And if he’s not even good at handling rejection then How can be even be ready for another wife. He should be confident and well prepared in all aspects of his life. He will be responsible for another person, maybe he should really think about the responsibility more. Am honestly speaking if I was in your situation I will just tell him he can get another wife if he wants to. He might end up not even getting married again allhu Alam. It’s all the qadr of Allah. If Allah wills it, it will happen no matter how much you dislike it.

                        One thing to to keep in mind, is how to go about it practically. You still have your rights. Just because he gets another wife it doesn’t mean she will live with you. You don’t even have to meet her or ever see her. Does he have enough money to give you seperate accommodation? You have a right to a separate place. And if he can’t afford it then he really needs to think about it more.

                        And secret marriages Are a definite No. If it’s halal then why is he going to hide it?

                        But honestly speaking I don’t think your husband sounds emotionally prepared. Him getting another wife will not resolve his issues and his depression. And adding more responsibility to that is just a bad idea. He needs to be ready and he just sounds emotional right now.

                        Have you considered couples counselling? I feel like both of you need to sit down and talk about it. And he has some unresolved issues he needs to deal with.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I will keep you in my duas inshallah
                          Last edited by Janna90; 15-04-19, 10:29 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Hijabi4life View Post
                            Assalam alaikum,

                            I am seeking advice from this community on how to handle this situation. Not sure if it's the wisest thing to do but perhaps you all have witnessed or have been part of a similar situation and can assist on how to solve this. I will say first that I do not want to divorce my husband at this time. I have thought about it recently and have decided if things do not improve by the end of Ramadan I will have to part ways, mostly because of the mental agony he is causing me. It's so bad that I can barely concentrate at work and I have a demanding position.

                            Here goes:

                            A few years ago he requested polygamy. Being naive (I was Muslim for 5 years at the time) I said yes just to make him happy. His happiness meant everything to me. When I saw his desperation and the way he was going about seeking a 2nd wife, I backed out of it. It made me realize that he was not meant for polygamy and I would not be able to handle it. In those 2 years he has mentioned polygamy on/off, I would usually just scold him/pinch him and he would stop bothering me about it. Recently, due to other issues, his depressive episodes have increased and he took the step to approach 2 different women. One of them was a friend of mine. I requested that he not pursue this sister because there are many negative things surrounding her. Her character was questionable. We know a family that took this sister in as a co-wife and there was chaos in that household. He promised not to contact her anymore. A week later I found out that he was still communicating with her and they were planning on marrying secretly. Once I found this out, as you can imagine I was devastated and hurt. At the time he claimed that a secret marriage is okay and completely halal. There was a lot of drama that ensued after I found out about their plans but I will leave that out for now. The other sister that he pursued was a sister who is 16 years younger than him and has only been Muslim for 1 month. She was deeply offended by his proposition! Something else I should add is there is a brother my husband is close to who has a secret wife and recently had a secret baby with her all behind his wifes back. His 1st wife has even been around that sister and had no clue. I believe that this brother has influenced my husband to accept this. Prior to this event he thought these actions were horrible and now he is more accepting of it subhanallah.

                            Where we are now:
                            I have decided to pretend that I accept polygamy just so that he does not pursue a secret marriage. I have even gone through creating a profile for him on marriage sites. I have told him that this is risky and it will likely dissolve my marriage. Three different imams have told him not to pursue polygamy and have given him other ideas to resolve the issues he has but he ignores their advice and my warning. Every day he is persistent with me about my efforts in pursuing a wife for him. This drives me crazy. It's like he wants me to pursue everyone I know to ask them if they know anyone for him. He also does not accept rejection well and gets upset when a sister tells him she is not interested, or if a marriage site rejects him for wanting polygamy. I have explained to him that polygamy is a taboo subject and many woman are not open to this idea because of the horror stories associated with it. He gets mad at this idea.

                            To add some context, I am his second wife. He is divorced with 3 kids from his 1st wife who he has not had contact with in almost a year now. We have had a pretty nice happy, loving and caring marriage with little turmoil. I feel deeply connected to him and love him. He says he feels the same way for me. My husband is also very pious, prays, fasts and is considered a leader in the dawah community. For the past few years he has gone through depressed episodes where he has alienated himself from people and refuses to attend social events. I make dua every day. I have increased my sadaqa and have done self-ruqya. I have even placed the water in a bottle and spray him with it every day before he leave to work!

                            My question to you all is, what do I do? How do I handle this? Please also make dua for this situation to resolve peacefully and calmly inshaAllah.
                            What you said about him it doesn't sounds like his mentally healthy to have a second wife. Why doesn't he contact his kids? he does have responsibility towards them. If he has more kids can he handle it? Polygamy isn't for everyone, for afew or some it can create drama and jealousy between wives and families.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Maybe he wants to have children since he is being isolated from his other children.

                              I know someone who always wanted to marry 2nd time but his wife never agreed. This went on until he was probably over 60 and then he married without wife's agreement. And he had a daughter out of it. He didn't have any children from his first wife and he always liked to be around children.

                              Comment

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