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  • I think I need to let go

    It's been a while, but please don't tell me to shut up about this. No one wants to find a solution to this more than me, please.
    Heres my old post for reference: https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/fa...ould-i-give-up

    I took the advice many of you gave me, I asked around, I told 2 of my closest friends, both know him. But, I have not gotten a clear answer from them (whether he's open for marriage or not). I saw him the other day, he does not look well... its been a year since he graduated he doesn't have a job and no one knows what he's doing (pretty sure he doesn't know either). I wish I could help him. But, I don't think he's interested right now, this breaks my heart a bit but I know its my fault, call me crazy for having hope almost 2 years later... But right now I feel bad for him. I think he is going through things in his life, and I wish I was there to help him through it all. But, all of this is not healthy for me. Im trying to tell myself if there is naseeb it will happen, but I really need to forget about him right now. How do I? This is all my mistake and I realize this (Please don't tell me I should have never gotten invested in the first place) but I swear I really thought he was the one. We had so much in common and yet we were different at the same time. I learned a lot from him (how to toughen up a bit because i am too soft) and I hope he learned to soften his heart (he's very detached). He has been an integral part of my personal growth process, and I understand sometimes Allah puts people in your life so that you can learn from them, and then he takes them away when that is done. I really need to forget about him, but part of me still wants to have hope that this will happen...

    Jak, this is a drag for me more than all of you, please bare with me and help me get through this.

  • #2
    It's unclear from both this OP and the last one what you have done in terms of inquiring about his interest in a engagement/marriage. Does he even know you're interested in him in that way?

    1. Don't try to beat around the bush or exchange meaningless texts or play with your emotions or his. If you like him this much then just tell him, either by yourself directly or through a friend.

    2. If both of you are interested in each other (or at least he knows of your interest), then it seems he's probably not ready for marriage due to the situation of his you described. Marriage could be the furthest thing from his mind.

    3. Keep in mind that Shaytan will adorn the haram for you. His main goal is for two people male and female to come together and commit haram. So get straight to the point and find out if he's interested in marriage or not. If he is, good. If not, then forget it.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post
      It's unclear from both this OP and the last one what you have done in terms of inquiring about his interest in a engagement/marriage. Does he even know you're interested in him in that way?

      1. Don't try to beat around the bush or exchange meaningless texts or play with your emotions or his. If you like him this much then just tell him, either by yourself directly or through a friend.

      2. If both of you are interested in each other (or at least he knows of your interest), then it seems he's probably not ready for marriage due to the situation of his you described. Marriage could be the furthest thing from his mind.

      3. Keep in mind that Shaytan will adorn the haram for you. His main goal is for two people male and female to come together and commit haram. So get straight to the point and find out if he's interested in marriage or not. If he is, good. If not, then forget it.
      I mentioned that I need to forget it, the point of this post is how, and if I should still have hope.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

        I mentioned that I need to forget it, the point of this post is how, and if I should still have hope.
        So you already know he's not interested, and he put you in the friend zone?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post

          So you already know he's not interested, and he put you in the friend zone?
          I'm not sure if he has or not. If I did, it would've made things a lot easier for me, for one I would have never kept praying to about him for almost 2 years. I felt like we were at sync a lot, maybe its one sided, maybe not. I feel like he pulls himself back a lot when he's with me (sometimes he jokes, other times he is dry, never looks at me straight in the eye/ always has his head down low with me and not any other girl). Because he knows his boundaries, it makes me like him a lot more :/ But seeing his current state, I don't think he's ready for marriage right now. Maybe when he is ready, Allah will put us into eachothers lives again, maybe not. But I think I need to forget about him...
          Last edited by bamjamjamma; 01-04-19, 04:25 AM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

            I'm not sure if he has or not. If I did, it would've made things a lot easier for me, for one I would have never kept praying to about him for almost 2 years. I felt like we were at sync a lot, maybe its one sided, maybe not. I feel like he pulls himself back a lot when he's with me (sometimes he jokes, other times he is dry, never looks at me straight in the eye/ always has his head down low with me and not any other girl). Because he knows his boundaries, it makes me like him a lot more :/ But seeing his current state, I don't think he's ready for marriage right now. Maybe when he is ready, Allah will put us into each others lives again, maybe not. But I think I need to forget about him...
            Please just ask him and put yourself out of your misery. I promise the pain in e.g. finding out he wasn't interested (worst case) will be a lot easier to handle than constantly wondering.

            There was someone I grew up with - long time family friend - I'd wanted to ask her since 2015. I asked her a week ago and she said no. It hurt so much for about a week. But I feel MUCH better now than I did constantly wondering for years. Closure is amazing.

            Having someone on your mind even stops you from meeting other people that you may even be more suited to.

            I know its a risk - and its uncomfortable - but please just ask him - it will feel much better than constantly wondering.


            Best of luck. Whatever happens is what is written - and what is best for you, even if it may not seem apparent. This dunya is too short to spend another year wondering about someone. If you marry him, or if you marry someone else - you will probably wish you could get that year wasted wondering back. I certainly wish I asked earlier!



            Last edited by Sabr; 01-04-19, 04:43 AM.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Sabr View Post

              Please just ask him and put yourself out of your misery. I promise the pain in e.g. finding out he wasn't interested (worst case) will be a lot easier to handle than constantly wondering.

              There was someone I grew up with - long time family friend - I'd wanted to ask her since 2015. I asked her a week ago and she said no. It hurt so much for about a week. But I feel MUCH better now than I did constantly wondering for years. Closure is amazing.

              Having someone on your mind even stops you from meeting other people that you may even be more suited to.

              I know its a risk - and its uncomfortable - but please just ask him - it will feel much better than constantly wondering.


              Best of luck. Whatever happens is what is written - and what is best for you, even if it may not seem apparent.



              The problem is I am way too shy (I really really wish I could) and we are Arab, I don't know how he will feel/ see me if I just tell him (or ask him) because Im a girl... I agree with what you said (bolded)
              Telling 2 of my close friends was a risk for me, i don't know how I'd be able to tell him directly. I really wish I can, I wanna be there for him. InshaaAllah khair...

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

                The problem is I am way too shy (I really really wish I could) and we are Arab, I don't know how he will feel/ see me if I just tell him (or ask him) because Im a girl... I agree with what you said (bolded)
                Telling 2 of my close friends was a risk for me, i don't know how I'd be able to tell him directly. I really wish I can, I wanna be there for him. InshaaAllah khair...
                That's completely fine to feel super uncomfortable about doing it. I felt the same. I've made it super awkward between myself and a family I have known forever now and it will probably never be the same - but its fine. I still prefer this to dying wondering and forever thinking what if.

                If you really won't be able to tell him just ask your friends to do so for you.

                I was just like you - SUPER risk averse + wouldn't share any thoughts with anyone, including family and friends.. I wish I hadn't been like that and had just taken a few more risks.

                And not asking this person is also a risk - he might think you aren't interested too and end up marrying someone else.

                Whatever you do is going to be very uncomfortable, could end up horribly wrong and you could feel terrible for some time and not want to do anything but sleep and cry. But all of that is better that forever wondering at what could be and would could have been. There's no point putting yourself through this mental torture for another year.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

                  I'm not sure if he has or not. If I did, it would've made things a lot easier for me, for one I would have never kept praying to about him for almost 2 years. I felt like we were at sync a lot, maybe its one sided, maybe not. I feel like he pulls himself back a lot when he's with me (sometimes he jokes, other times he is dry, never looks at me straight in the eye/ always has his head down low with me and not any other girl). Because he knows his boundaries, it makes me like him a lot more :/ But seeing his current state, I don't think he's ready for marriage right now. Maybe when he is ready, Allah will put us into eachothers lives again, maybe not. But I think I need to forget about him...
                  Well:

                  1. If he knows you like him in that way while he doesn't, him lowering his head when speaking to you and being dry may be an indication that he feels uncomfortable around you and doesn't want to interact.

                  2. It could mean that he likes you, and he does the above out of respect and his feelings toward you.

                  In any case, this interaction is not permissible in Islam.

                  It is better for you to come forward with him, but in a way that won't cause embarrassment. Tell your friend to approach him and tell him something like: "(You) is my friend and someone i like and admire. She is ready for marriage. I think you would make a good spouse for her."

                  If he says yes I'm interested, good. If he says sorry no, or makes any other excuse then you can forget it. This way, he may assume for a second that you sent your friend to talk to him, but he won't know for sure. And this will be easier on you and cause less shame, as you put it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post

                    Well:

                    1. If he knows you like him in that way while he doesn't, him lowering his head when speaking to you and being dry may be an indication that he feels uncomfortable around you and doesn't want to interact.

                    2. It could mean that he likes you, and he does the above out of respect and his feelings toward you.

                    In any case, this interaction is not permissible in Islam.

                    It is better for you to come forward with him, but in a way that won't cause embarrassment. Tell your friend to approach him and tell him something like: "(You) is my friend and someone i like and admire. She is ready for marriage. I think you would make a good spouse for her."

                    If he says yes I'm interested, good. If he says sorry no, or makes any other excuse then you can forget it. This way, he may assume for a second that you sent your friend to talk to him, but he won't know for sure. And this will be easier on you and cause less shame, as you put it.
                    The thought that he may not like me, makes me feel uncomfortable with myself (really makes me hate myself for trying and for being dumb, it makes me feel stupid and foolish, and it makes me feel embarrassed why I ever thought of him like that- especially that if he knows I did)

                    I don't want to do anything impermissible, that was never the intention :/ I really thought it was ok as long as we don't have unnecessary conversations a lot and are alone.
                    I'm trying to give them a hint to go ask him for me, but they're not getting it (Idk how to just tell them to ask him for me :/) But I guess you are right, he might think I told them but he won't know for sure, and after that it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be talking to him anyways... May Allah bring what is best.


                    Actually can we assume that he is uncomfortable and doesnt want to interact, what do I do
                    Last edited by bamjamjamma; 01-04-19, 05:33 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Sabr View Post

                      That's completely fine to feel super uncomfortable about doing it. I felt the same. I've made it super awkward between myself and a family I have known forever now and it will probably never be the same - but its fine. I still prefer this to dying wondering and forever thinking what if.

                      If you really won't be able to tell him just ask your friends to do so for you.

                      I was just like you - SUPER risk averse + wouldn't share any thoughts with anyone, including family and friends.. I wish I hadn't been like that and had just taken a few more risks.

                      And not asking this person is also a risk - he might think you aren't interested too and end up marrying someone else.

                      Whatever you do is going to be very uncomfortable, could end up horribly wrong and you could feel terrible for some time and not want to do anything but sleep and cry. But all of that is better that forever wondering at what could be and would could have been. There's no point putting yourself through this mental torture for another year.

                      You are so right, please make duaa for me. Wallah I know it would be easier, but what's stopping me is why he hasn't said anything... I mentioned this in previous posts but no one really said anything that really drives me to ask him despite the fact that he hasn't.

                      + I just want to say I really appreciate your kind responses, I feel they are from the heart. JAK inshaaAllah

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

                        The thought that he may not like me, makes me feel uncomfortable with myself (really makes me hate myself for trying and for being dumb, it makes me feel stupid and foolish, and it makes me feel embarrassed why I ever thought of him like that- especially that if he knows I did)

                        I don't want to do anything impermissible, that was never the intention :/ I really thought it was ok as long as we don't have unnecessary conversations a lot and are alone.
                        I'm trying to give them a hint to go ask him for me, but they're not getting it (Idk how to just tell them to ask him for me :/) But I guess you are right, he might think I told them but he won't know for sure, and after that it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be talking to him anyways... May Allah bring what is best.
                        Okay here are a couple of last and what I feel are important points:

                        1. Ask yourself: Do you really want marriage (with him and in general)? Or do you have these feelings for this brother but don't necessarily want marriage - and you don't know what you want?

                        2. True tawakkul means that you entrust your affairs to Allah. You don't know how your life will be like him, but Allah knows. And you may think it will be good for you, but Allah knows if it won't be good for you.

                        So just leave it to Allah and don't attach yourself to anyone in this manner, because you will be like a slave to them.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post

                          Okay here are a couple of last and what I feel are important points:

                          1. Ask yourself: Do you really want marriage (with him and in general)? Or do you have these feelings for this brother but don't necessarily want marriage - and you don't know what you want?

                          2. True tawakkul means that you entrust your affairs to Allah. You don't know how your life will be like him, but Allah knows. And you may think it will be good for you, but Allah knows if it won't be good for you.

                          So just leave it to Allah and don't attach yourself to anyone in this manner, because you will be like a slave to them.
                          I really do want marriage, i'd prefer it be with him, but Allah knows whats best for me more.

                          I understand that I shouldn't attach myself to anyone, so does that mean i should stop making duaa about him?
                          Are these things (marriage) supposed to be easier than this, like I dont want to try and force things to happen. I just want them to happen. Is that how you know if something is real or not (in terms of the person being right for you)?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post


                            You are so right, please make duaa for me. Wallah I know it would be easier, but what's stopping me is why he hasn't said anything... I mentioned this in previous posts but no one really said anything that really drives me to ask him despite the fact that he hasn't.

                            + I just want to say I really appreciate your kind responses, I feel they are from the heart. JAK inshaaAllah
                            Will make dua InshaAllah. Who knows - it could be any reason he hasn't said anything. It could be what you expect or least expect - literally no way to know as every person deals with things differently and e.g. 1 person being uncomfortable around you might be because they are nervous and have feelings for you, but another person being uncomfortable around you might just be because they want you to leave them alone. Absolutely no way to know but to ask.

                            No problem - Wa-iyyakum. I know how hard it can be - and that its easier to just sit back and wait and hope ... but for your long term benefit its better to just ask, accept whatever happens is decreed from Allah, and get on with your life - with or without him.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Sabr View Post

                              Will make dua InshaAllah. Who knows - it could be any reason he hasn't said anything. It could be what you expect or least expect - literally no way to know as every person deals with things differently and e.g. 1 person being uncomfortable around you might be because they are nervous and have feelings for you, but another person being uncomfortable around you might just be because they want you to leave them alone. Absolutely no way to know but to ask.

                              No problem - Wa-iyyakum. I know how hard it can be - and that its easier to just sit back and wait and hope ... but for your long term benefit its better to just ask, accept whatever happens is decreed from Allah, and get on with your life - with or without him.
                              Ok this might be a bit off topic but, I don’t know what type he is but if he’s the type that’s doing that because they want me to leave them alone, then it makes me feel really bad. Like I’ve been trying to latch on but he’s been trying to fend me off. This makes me feel like a bad person... and makes me feel very embarrassed. Just thinking about this possibility makes me not want to try anymore. Like I’m an annoying bug..

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