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  • What do you think... need help

    Salam

    Dear brothers and sisters,


    Im in quite a troubling situation in my marriage of 6 years. My wife and I seem to both be on different roads, she wants to do what she wants and have the same rights i have given to me by Allah. She doesnít want to listen to me nor follow the way of Islam... as she tells me i want to live my marriage and life the way i want to.

    This has become very troubling for me as we have 2 kids and Iím worried about the example thats being set. She believes because Iím telling her that she cant be putting on makeup or getting her eye brows done etc... because first of all she cant be seen like that by non mahrams its a major sin and second of all i donít accept it shes my wife and her beauty alone should be seen by none other than her husband, i should be the only one who should be able to enjoy her beauty.

    Whenever i politely ask her baby can you put in an effort for me... her reply is aint i good enough already etc... yet she wants to be all made up and done when shes roaming the streets out and about. Because i have put my foot down about this all of a sudden Iím controlling etc and she cant express herself and be the way she wants to be and how Iím imprisioning her. I have told her listen you wear and hijab number 1 donít be deceived by the country we live in, the hijab should be worn and acted towards being modest and simple and not looking for attention.

    Its funny right how my wife would put on an effort to go out but not for me whatsoever...

    Also she has bad friends which i do not approve of, friends that do all types of major and minor sins with no guilt or shame... im not gonna name exactly what but it is what is. Because of this she adamant that she wants to stay in touch be able to be around these girls and be able to associate. I have told her if she wants friends she can find and make friends with righteous sisters who will bring her closer to Allah not further. Ive tried taking her to sister groups at the masjids but she flat out refused and said i donít wanna be friends with them i got my own friends already and i can learn by myself at home.. yet shed rather watch Jeremy kyle show while i listen to khutbas and hadiths.

    I try to wake her up for fajr and ask about her salahs and her response is its none of my business.. I pray all my salahs at masjid and most of the time do the night prayers which i ask if she would like to take part but she says no.

    Secondly,

    Since my daughters have been born theyíve been living at the grandmothers house and my wife has been going to them in the day times to look after them and only return at night when i would collect her. Now my worry is its late at night anything can happen to my wife Iím offering to pick her up she wants to come home by herself at night in London where there are alot of weird and crazy people around especially for an hijabi sister it can be dangerous. She doesnít see this but instead would love to walk and come home by herself... whys this ?? I believe for attention.

    Since i pick her up and all day she stays with the kids whenever i ask to take them out shes not interested and then blames me for how shes bored and suffering.

    She studies also, the conclusion i have come up with is my wife has been spoilt since before i married her and now that marriage comes with responsibility and rules she doesnít want that and she only wants things her way.

    Because of this she tells me how she hates me and wishes she never had kids with me or met me... and how Iím an insecure bastard etcc so many bad words that she has said to me Iíve lost count and have just let it bounce right of me without taking note and staying quiet. Trust me whenever she used to come and apologise i accepted it right away because i know at times women can be a bit emotional but now she just doesnít care anymore and i can see it in her eyes.

    Just today i asked her whats up she goes Iím only gonna be happy when i can do what i want and see who i want and go wherever i want. I told her thats not possible first of all we have been given rules and rights to fulfil and follow and following our desires and lusts are not permissible, so i told her since what we both want are not the same unless she sees through this and realise that the way of the Allah and the sunnah of the prophet PBUH is the right way to follow... well always have problems.

    Her reply was you hit the nail on the head you might as well go find a second wife whoís on the same page as you.

    She gives me verbal abuse daily... use to be physical at times but not much... neglects me and doesnít really show no love only coldness.

    One more thing apparently im rude because i dont answer the phone and decide to talk by text because i know shes going to be slandering me on the phone and because of that i dont pick up the phone and all i do is text back and say when your going to talk to me with respect then ill answer there isnt no point arguing.

    Iíve straight up told her theres a difference between you saying these things and acting upon it.. Allah had given you free will to make your choices as do i, if you do follow your own way ill have no choice to not continue on with you this way because your are defiantly going against every thing you was created for.

    If i divorce her there wont be a chance of marrying her again... also this has been going on for quite a very long time and alhamdulilah iíve dealt with it with sabr.




    Now what would your advice be for a brother in need?
    Last edited by JustNeedAdvice; 31-03-19, 01:57 PM.

  • #2
    if things are the way you said then she is being very bad

    however think and try to find out if she was different before and then why she became like this or is behaving like this
    maybe there is an underlying reason

    soon if she keeps disobeying you sleep in a seperate bed for a little maybe like 1 week or maybe even 2 see if that works if that doesnt get family elders involved

    she is seriously disrespecting you and i fear her friends will or already have damaged her enough

    your on the religion of your friend says the hadith

    her friends will misguide her until she becomes like them
    remove her from them and dont let her go out until night dont give her the choice in this

    Comment


    • #3
      Her mother follows and listens to whatever my wife says even her brother has told me sometimes i believe my mum is scared of my sister and controls her... as i have spoken to her father he seems to want to not get to involved and stay out of it.

      When we both got married we wern't both practising if im honest after a couple of years Alhamdulilah i became much better and started to find peace in Allah and develop a real Love for Islam. I cant think of any other reason rather than shes been getting her own way forever until she met me, even with her mother she gets her way...

      All of sudden recently she asked me for a break which i said i would only consider on certain terms such as she stays at her mothers but she refused and said i should leave the house and go to my mothers and let her stay home. If i could trust this process and her i would have but i know my wife she wouldn't even stay at home she would run straight to her friends or bring them over.

      She doesn't see the wisdom in me telling her how these friends would only cause trouble and misguide her from the way of Allah and straight into Satans hand but she ignorantly denies.

      Her attitude of late is Arrogance along with ignorance I am trying my best with how to speak to her what to say and whenever i advice her she goes dont talk to me about your Shit.

      No way am i gonna allow her to be with these friends nor for them to come around i have already told her this many times but she doesn't care.

      I've also even politely told her baby stay of social media snapchat,instagram etc... because it'll only show you things that would give you desires and not help you at all, she doesn't listen all she sees is her friends going etc.. thinking there happy but all they are doing is trying get away from there unhappy lives but she doesn't realise this

      Comment


      • #4
        shes going off track you need to seriously get her to change otherwise your marriage will have serious problems soon

        those friends of hers are really bad get her away from them

        but as i said try the staying in another bed if that doesnt work get family involved
        if she doesnt fear her family get imams involved

        Comment


        • #5


          How old is she if you don't mind me asking?

          How long has this been going on?

          It sounds quite childish, especially for someone who has two kids to raise. No time to mess about now, she is mother who needs to be a positive role model for her daughters.

          The single days are over, both men and women have to understand that after marriage things change.
          You can't carry on the way you did before marriage.

          My husband was the same in regards to going out at night time.
          He stopped doing this after much discussions but on the rare occasion it's his friends that influence and persuade him to go out with them.

          The hadith talking about friends is a very important reminder for us.

          Your wife has to see this, it looks like she won't be persuaded by your words unfortunately.

          What are her parents like? If they are decent then they will have to teach their daughter to step up or live in regret for her stubborn attitude.

          I know my parents would be ashamed of such a thing if I did that, and rightly so.

          What was your wife like when you married her? Was she interested in religion?


          I think stop telling her what to do, just tell her it's become serious and you will have to get her family involved.


          'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

          So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
            shes going off track you need to seriously get her to change otherwise your marriage will have serious problems soon

            those friends of hers are really bad get her away from them

            but as i said try the staying in another bed if that doesnt work get family involved
            if she doesnt fear her family get imams involved
            That's not going to work

            She'll get used to it

            The marriage is loveless so it's not a threat for the wife if he decides to sleep on a separate bed
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

            Comment


            • #7
              Sorry

              Just saw your post after mine
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Well, it's obviously her "friends" as pointed out. You need to seperate her from them somehow.
                Maybe get some of your friends to send their wives, preferably of same age, who are practicing to her.
                ​​​​​Maybe she will feel guilt by looking at their attitude and attire, and comparing herself with them.
                ​​​

                Comment


                • #9
                  Your wife doesn't respect you, I don't know how you managed to live with her and end up with two kids.

                  Her father is a complete failure. He will have to answer for his lack of responsibilities.

                  He should have been the one in authority but he is a coward.

                  if your wife has any sense of care towards her children, she will sit down and talk this through.

                  Does she need non muslims to show her that it's not possible to live the party life after having children?

                  Even they know children need attention and a good role model!

                  Stop giving your wife attention, just do your normal duties like paying the bills and being civil with her. Look after your daughters in the mean time (children remember everything so do your part well) get prepared for any legal procedures.

                  I'm not saying divorce your wife, I'm saying show her that you are not putting up with this.

                  You need a responsible third party to get involved and be the mediator.
                  ​​
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by JustNeedAdvice View Post
                    Salam

                    Dear brothers and sisters,


                    Im in quite a troubling situation in my marriage of 6 years. My wife and I seem to both be on different roads, she wants to do what she wants and have the same rights i have given to me by Allah. She doesnít want to listen to me nor follow the way of Islam... as she tells me i want to live my marriage and life the way i want to.

                    This has become very troubling for me as we have 2 kids and Iím worried about the example thats being set. She believes because Iím telling her that she cant be putting on makeup or getting her eye brows done etc... because first of all she cant be seen like that by non mahrams its a major sin and second of all i donít accept it shes my wife and her beauty alone should be seen by none other than her husband, i should be the only one who should be able to enjoy her beauty.

                    Whenever i politely ask her baby can you put in an effort for me... her reply is aint i good enough already etc... yet she wants to be all made up and done when shes roaming the streets out and about. Because i have put my foot down about this all of a sudden Iím controlling etc and she cant express herself and be the way she wants to be and how Iím imprisioning her. I have told her listen you wear and hijab number 1 donít be deceived by the country we live in, the hijab should be worn and acted towards being modest and simple and not looking for attention.

                    Its funny right how my wife would put on an effort to go out but not for me whatsoever...

                    Also she has bad friends which i do not approve of, friends that do all types of major and minor sins with no guilt or shame... im not gonna name exactly what but it is what is. Because of this she adamant that she wants to stay in touch be able to be around these girls and be able to associate. I have told her if she wants friends she can find and make friends with righteous sisters who will bring her closer to Allah not further. Ive tried taking her to sister groups at the masjids but she flat out refused and said i donít wanna be friends with them i got my own friends already and i can learn by myself at home.. yet shed rather watch Jeremy kyle show while i listen to khutbas and hadiths.

                    I try to wake her up for fajr and ask about her salahs and her response is its none of my business.. I pray all my salahs at masjid and most of the time do the night prayers which i ask if she would like to take part but she says no.

                    Secondly,

                    Since my daughters have been born theyíve been living at the grandmothers house and my wife has been going to them in the day times to look after them and only return at night when i would collect her. Now my worry is its late at night anything can happen to my wife Iím offering to pick her up she wants to come home by herself at night in London where there are alot of weird and crazy people around especially for an hijabi sister it can be dangerous. She doesnít see this but instead would love to walk and come home by herself... whys this ?? I believe for attention.

                    Since i pick her up and all day she stays with the kids whenever i ask to take them out shes not interested and then blames me for how shes bored and suffering.

                    She studies also, the conclusion i have come up with is my wife has been spoilt since before i married her and now that marriage comes with responsibility and rules she doesnít want that and she only wants things her way.

                    Because of this she tells me how she hates me and wishes she never had kids with me or met me... and how Iím an insecure bastard etcc so many bad words that she has said to me Iíve lost count and have just let it bounce right of me without taking note and staying quiet. Trust me whenever she used to come and apologise i accepted it right away because i know at times women can be a bit emotional but now she just doesnít care anymore and i can see it in her eyes.

                    Just today i asked her whats up she goes Iím only gonna be happy when i can do what i want and see who i want and go wherever i want. I told her thats not possible first of all we have been given rules and rights to fulfil and follow and following our desires and lusts are not permissible, so i told her since what we both want are not the same unless she sees through this and realise that the way of the Allah and the sunnah of the prophet PBUH is the right way to follow... well always have problems.

                    Her reply was you hit the nail on the head you might as well go find a second wife whoís on the same page as you.

                    She gives me verbal abuse daily... use to be physical at times but not much... neglects me and doesnít really show no love only coldness.

                    One more thing apparently im rude because i dont answer the phone and decide to talk by text because i know shes going to be slandering me on the phone and because of that i dont pick up the phone and all i do is text back and say when your going to talk to me with respect then ill answer there isnt no point arguing.

                    Iíve straight up told her theres a difference between you saying these things and acting upon it.. Allah had given you free will to make your choices as do i, if you do follow your own way ill have no choice to not continue on with you this way because your are defiantly going against every thing you was created for.

                    If i divorce her there wont be a chance of marrying her again... also this has been going on for quite a very long time and alhamdulilah iíve dealt with it with sabr.




                    Now what would your advice be for a brother in need?
                    Ask her, does she have a plan for her death and the questioning when she will be buried. Everyone is going to die at some point. What is she going to do for her aakhirah. Does she believe she can argue her case like a lawyer with Allah swt who is the all seer and all knower.
                    Or does she think that she will live her life to the "fullest" then when she gets old she will goto hajj and then whitewash all her sins. Because even if hajj is performed by someone maynot be accepted by Allah if the intention of performing hajj is corrupted.
                    What good will a few years of getting admiration from nonmahram men give you. You only get ego boost, but in the process endup angering Allah.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post


                      How old is she if you don't mind me asking?

                      How long has this been going on?

                      It sounds quite childish, especially for someone who has two kids to raise. No time to mess about now, she is mother who needs to be a positive role model for her daughters.

                      The single days are over, both men and women have to understand that after marriage things change.
                      You can't carry on the way you did before marriage.

                      My husband was the same in regards to going out at night time.
                      He stopped doing this after much discussions but on the rare occasion it's his friends that influence and persuade him to go out with them.

                      The hadith talking about friends is a very important reminder for us.

                      Your wife has to see this, it looks like she won't be persuaded by your words unfortunately.

                      What are her parents like? If they are decent then they will have to teach their daughter to step up or live in regret for her stubborn attitude.

                      I know my parents would be ashamed of such a thing if I did that, and rightly so.

                      What was your wife like when you married her? Was she interested in religion?


                      I think stop telling her what to do, just tell her it's become serious and you will have to get her family involved.

                      She is 24 and weve been having this issue for over a year and a half, shes a women and my daughters are girls im very worried about what they are seeing and witnessing as they stay at her mothers and she goes there i have grown accustomed to not going there as much so my kids dont see arguing or their mother disrespecting me because if they do what are they gonna think about me ?

                      I have plenty of friends who are not on the same page with me spiritually or socially which i do not mix with nor get involved with because i know the downfall in that and what could happen she also knows this but doesn't want to follow suit.

                      I drive surely would love her husband to want to be taking her everywhere and being around her but she seems to want the complete opposite... apparently it's me treating her like a child when i look at the bigger picture and see what could happen so i believe prevention is always better than cure. I imagine anything could happen to her and why shouldn't i just avoid it by just being there for her.

                      She respects her friends and shows them love and does the complete opposite to me i ask her how can you speak to them like that and deal with me in such a wicked way.

                      Like i said her mother follows and supports her daughter all the time she once even said blatantly if you lot aint going to work she can find someone new and so can you when i heard that i was gobsmacked... im the father of your 2 granddaughters and its that easy to get rid of me?? The most strange thing is her mother has been a practising Muslimah for 20 odd years reads Quran daily goes to Quran clubs prays etc.. and her fathers very religious but its funny how no one wants to support me with their daughter or say anything to her.

                      My wife is very good at spinning lies and knows what to say to her parents and they religiously believe what she says which is frustrating...

                      When i married her lets just say we were both Muslim by name fast during Ramadan and that was about it.

                      E.g. her parents both know whats haram and whats not and whats major and minor... my wife listens to music when shes not around me and is there and all she gets told to do is turn it of not to stop listening to it... this shocks me, im just like thinking if that was my daughter and i fear Allah wouldn't i fear for her Akhirah and stop her from doing what can lead her to hell.

                      To be honest with you i doubt my wife would want to hear anything an imam would say i've suggested that shes continues to decline.

                      What she's hoping for is i just allow and let whatever she wants to happen, happen and thats what she thinks could happen but I'm sorry i cant allow anything thats haram or against the way of Allah in my household as i am in charge of my flock and will be asked about it on the day of Judgement.

                      I've been patient for a while and this is the first time reaching out about it

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post

                        Ask her, does she have a plan for her death and the questioning when she will be buried. Everyone is going to die at some point. What is she going to do for her aakhirah. Does she believe she can argue her case like a lawyer with Allah swt who is the all seer and all knower.
                        Or does she think that she will live her life to the "fullest" then when she gets old she will goto hajj and then whitewash all her sins. Because even if hajj is performed by someone maynot be accepted by Allah if the intention of performing hajj is corrupted.
                        What good will a few years of getting admiration from nonmahram men give you. You only get ego boost, but in the process endup angering Allah.
                        I've told her i want us to help eachother reach Jannah and please Allah SWT, this life is a mere deception and is only temporary. I've told her we can die at any second who said you'll live for another week let alone a month,year, 5 years. Trust me brothers and sisters i've tried telling her to fear Allah I'm even more concerned if im ready yet to meet Allah or if i have even done enough but Alhamdulilah i keep trying to better myself which is a positive sign that i am heading the right way. Now with my marriage this is a serious issue because its got the point where i have needs and shes also not willing to give it and when she says okay she says are you happy just having sex with an vessel because i wont be enjoying it and dont want it.. a man has needs and i also worry for my children so its very complicated.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                          Your wife doesn't respect you, I don't know how you managed to live with her and end up with two kids.

                          Her father is a complete failure. He will have to answer for his lack of responsibilities.

                          He should have been the one in authority but he is a coward.

                          if your wife has any sense of care towards her children, she will sit down and talk this through.

                          Does she need non muslims to show her that it's not possible to live the party life after having children?

                          Even they know children need attention and a good role model!

                          Stop giving your wife attention, just do your normal duties like paying the bills and being civil with her. Look after your daughters in the mean time (children remember everything so do your part well) get prepared for any legal procedures.

                          I'm not saying divorce your wife, I'm saying show her that you are not putting up with this.

                          You need a responsible third party to get involved and be the mediator.
                          ​​
                          If this was my daughter i would be doing things and dealing with her in a different way with how her parents are treating this.

                          I would never accept her being like this let alone putting this through an humble brother who only wants the best for his daughter.

                          I've helped her through her studies by helping her get the qualifications to get into university even though i was against the idea as i knew it would jeopardise my marriage.. which it has as my wife has not taken her responsibility seriously because her parents pushed her to education rather than religion.

                          This is the biggest problem nowadays i believe is that parents prioritise education over religion when it comes to their kids.. i understand education is very important but not at the expense of religion.

                          You can study for 5 years die in on your last year what was that all for?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
                            Well, it's obviously her "friends" as pointed out. You need to seperate her from them somehow.
                            Maybe get some of your friends to send their wives, preferably of same age, who are practicing to her.
                            ​​​​​Maybe she will feel guilt by looking at their attitude and attire, and comparing herself with them.
                            ​​​
                            I've got this brother who i have been friends with a long time also her family knows him as he grew up around her area, mashallah he got married last year and has a good wife and he invited us over one time and i told my wife and she declined and said why would i go ? I said so you can meet his wife and you lot can become friends as your both married woman and have the same responsibility and lives... she flat out told me nah im good thank you i dont need more friends i got some already.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by JustNeedAdvice View Post

                              I've got this brother who i have been friends with a long time also her family knows him as he grew up around her area, mashallah he got married last year and has a good wife and he invited us over one time and i told my wife and she declined and said why would i go ? I said so you can meet his wife and you lot can become friends as your both married woman and have the same responsibility and lives... she flat out told me nah im good thank you i dont need more friends i got some already.
                              Wow, she is literally a stubborn kid. Does she ever agree on anything you ask her?
                              I don't know how you coped with her for so long.

                              Comment

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