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  • Need advice

    Salaam to all,

    I’m posting this to ask for advice from my fellow brothers and sisters.
    Only looking for serious advice please because its a delicate topic.

    I have written up a message/letter to my wife of 6 years.

    I would love for you to read it and process it and then let me know what you think here goes...

    In the name of Allah the The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful. All praise and thanks is to Allah and we send peace and blessings upon his messenger and slave.
    • Before reading this just a simple remainder that we can go and leave this world at anytime and the best thing to go out and leave with is having the best intentions, worshipping Allah and doing good deeds.




    I have noticed that the whole purpose of marriage is not being fulfilled here and is being taken over by desires and a lack of knowledge and taqwa (consciousness of Allah)




    We are lacking in the main purposes of marriage in islam which are:
    • Piety & God-Consciousness (taqwa)
    • Sexual Satisfaction - To please each other sexually
    • Having kids and educating them and teaching them the importance of following Islam properly and fearing and praising Allah.
    • Emotional and Psychological satisfaction - creating a peaceful loving comforting home to have refuge in from the stresses of the world.
    • Social Solidarity - contributing towards society by doing charitable deeds and giving.
    • Prophet Muhammad (SAW)says, “No house has been built in Islam more beloved in the sight of Allah than through marriage”




    My rights Allah has made you responsible for :
    • Being obedient - this is done by fulfilling all my needs as long as they are permissible by Islam. Things that i say that go against islam you should not listen to.
    • the Messenger of Allah, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said: “There are two individuals whose prayer does not rise above their heads; a slave running away from his masters – until he returns to them, and a woman who disobeys her husband – until she returns (to obedience).” [Reported by Al-Albani, Authentic].
    • Amongst the forms of obedience: You should not observe fasting except with my permission and never allow anyone to enter my house except with my permission.
    • Narrated on the authority of Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Messenger of Allah, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said: “It is not permissible for a woman to fast (supererogatory fasts) without the permission of her husband when he is at home; and she should not allow anyone to enter his house except with his permission” [Reported by Al-Bukhari, Authentic].
    • Serving him, There is no disagreement among scholars that a woman should serve her husband in the house. It is really a well-established custom. Also, it is a recommendable act which the Prophet, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, has approved. The honorable Mothers of the Believers, may Allah be pleased with them, used to take care of the housework as well as the honorable wives of the companions, may Allah be pleased with them.
    • For this seek and expect your reward from Allah The Almighty. You should also not forget that you will be reward for every good action you do for me in much the same way as I will be rewarded for every penny I spends on you, and that everything you are doing is for the pleasure of Allah Exalted and Glorified be He.
    • Looking after and caring for him fully. This means to prefer him to all other people and look after his appearance as the Mothers of the Believers used to do with the Prophet, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him.
    • It was narrated that A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said: “I perfumed the Messenger of Allah, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, with my own hands before finishing his Ihraam (Ritual state of consecration for performing Hajj or ‘Umrah) while yet he has not performed Tawaaf-al-Ifaadah (departure of pilgrims from ‘Arafat to Mina after completing their rituals in ‘Arafaat). She spread her hands (while saying so.)” [Reported by Al-Bukhari, Authentic].
    • Being very grateful to your husband and avoid being ungrateful to him.
    • It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said: “Allah The Almighty does not look (with mercy) at a woman who is not grateful to her husband when she cannot live without him.” [Reported by Al-Albani, Authentic].
    • The wife who does not show thanks to her husband, Allah The Almighty will curse her and will not look at her. So you should be content with and grateful to your husband, for all what he does for you, according to what Allah The Almighty has decreed for him.
    • You have to know that ungratefulness is one of the most serious causes that make women deserve to be thrown in Hellfire.
    • The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) replied, ‘I saw Paradise and stretched my hands towards a bunch (of its fruits) and had I taken it, you would have eaten from it as long as the world remains. I also saw the Hell-fire and I had never seen such a horrible sight. I saw that most of its inhabitants were women.’ The people asked, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, why is that?’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) replied, ‘Because of their ungratefulness.’ It was asked, ‘Are they ungrateful to Allaah?’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘They are ungrateful to their life companions (husbands) and ungrateful for good deeds. If you are kind towards one of them throughout life, then she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, “I have never seen anything good from you.” [Reported by Al-Bukhari, Authentic]
    • Feeling content with the husband. This means that you have to feel satisfied with what Allah The Almighty has decreed for you and never compare him to others for humans really are full of defects and shortcomings and no one has the best perfect descriptions among humans. So you have to turn a blind eye to his negative attributes as long as it is not related to or undermine his religion. You, moreover, should think about his positive attributes so that your heart may be pleased with him.
    • Adornment for the Husband. The righteous wise woman is the one who is keen on adorn herself for her husband in the best way and with what can pleases him. She may wear the best clothes within the limits he can afford.
    • It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him was asked “Who is the best of women?” whereupon he (prayers and peace of Allah be upon him) answered: “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves.” [Reported by Al-Albani]
    • Welcoming the husband warmly and biding him farewell affectionately. This means that she should be keen on being the first one to welcome and greet him happily and with a beautiful smile when he comes back home. Also, she should do the same whenever he goes out, bid him a fond farewell with an affectionate smile and pray for his success.
    • Listening to him attentively. The Husband needs a warm heart to which he can refuge and to someone who can listen to his problems. So the wife should listen to him and warm his chest with the words that can calm and keep him peaceful.
    • You should listen attentively to your husband and pay much attention to his speech. As it hurts you if he comes back from his work and goes to sleep directly, it also hurts him if you are heedless to his speech.
    • Do not interrupt him and wait until your husband finishes his conversation. Just let him open his heart and reveal his feelings to you.
    • Do not issue judgments while you are listening to him. You should be responsible for your own words and when you want to express your opinion, so do it but avoid enjoining and giving orders to him.
    • Try to use the constructive request style during dialogue. This can be done by using some words like I think, I hope and so on.
    • Do not disclose his secrets. Wife should keep the secrets of her husband, for disclosing them hurts him badly for if he did not find safety and peace with his wife, where could he find them then?
    • Seeking the convenient time to ask for your needs. This means that the pious wife seek the most appropriate time to ask for her needs or speaking in the important matters.
    • Showing respect and looking after his family. This means that one should help her husband to be dutiful to his parents and relatives. She, moreover, should enhance her relationship with his mother in particular for she really has suffered a lot in raising him up and has a great right over him. She also should be keen on visiting his female relatives and being kind with them.
    • You should avoid being a reason for creating problems between him and his relatives and do not interfere between them especially if some problems already exist.
    • It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Messenger of Allah, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said: “The most beloved among you to me is those who are best in attitude and humble, who get along with others and others get along with them, and the most hateful among you to me are those who commit Namimah (tale-bearing), make trouble between the loved ones, and accuse people of vices they are innocent of.” [Reported by Al-Albani]




    I have given the facts along with evidence.

    Ofcourse in return i have to provide for you and care for you and treat you well and take care of things for you when you cant which i have always done and never had a problem with. Also i have always remained calm and quiet at all times .




    Islamic view on Make Up and Excessive Adornments Publicly and my feelings.




    I, your husband does not like and does not accept you wearing make up outside but you can wear at home for me or when your at home with your family. I have a right upon you for you to look your best for me so that i could enjoy your beauty. You put so much effort in when you go outside but never for me. Its not fair and not nice for it to be that way. Why should i have to be neglected on this right i was given?
    • Secondly when you do this things to beautify yourself it brings unnecessary attention getting eyed up by eager eyes like your some item for sale. That is not how i want my wife to be perceived nor is that the purpose of hijab. Its haram for you to do that and a sin the evidence is below if you don’t believe me its in the Quran stated below :




    Every believing woman is obliged to cover her beauty and adornment before non-mahram men, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer palms of hands or one eye or dress like veil, gloves, headcover, apron), and to draw their veils all over Juyoobihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islam), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of feminine sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful”

    [al-Noor 24:31]

    Adornment includes perfume, makeup, jewellery, etc
    • Call it controlling which the shaytaan tells you if you may when it isn’t but I am a man of geerah (protective jealousy) and i am not a dayooth for me to be allowing this, i don’t want my wife to be like this so i am urging you to change this before it ruins our marriage. I cant continue on a marriage and wont be in these circumstances i have rights i should be able to enjoy from my wife not this. You cant be wearing tight clothes or be putting on clothes that would attract others. Also wearing make up with hijab is not acceptable its sinning it defeats the whole purpose of it ... wearing hijab is not just a headscarf its much more than that its how you behave, how you talk, keeping yourself simple and fearing Allah and seeking the pleasures of Allah.




    You are my wife and i have rights upon you that you should only beautify yourself for me why do i have to share that right with other men when it should only be for my eyes to enjoy.
    • I have rights and also responsibilities islamically to not allow or tolerate things that are not permissible in islam...
    • The Prophet (‘alayhi ssalaat wa ssalaam) said: ‘Everyone of you is a shepherd and everyone of you is responsible for his flock. So the man is a shepherd and he is responsible for his flock-’




    If you fear Allah and want to follow islam and the sunnah set by our beloved prophet SAW you should see were i am coming from with proof and accept it. If not then you can throw away our marriage and you can explain to our kids when they get older inshallah how you choose the way of desires and listened to shaytaan over your deen and family. How would are daughters react to this and what would they grow up following and choosing when they see examples like this. Do you think they’ll be conscious of Allah? When they will follow your example..
    • Call it what you want if you want to disagree with me but i have every right and choice. I don’t accept this neither does the deen so the balls in your court ill give you time to think about it and i am being serious here Alhamdulilah i now take my religion very seriously and will not let anything get in the way of affecting it. This marriage cannot continue like this.
    • You can try to come up with reasons to justify yourself but that would only be to satisfy your desires. The bottom line and truth is its an excessive adornment which means its not permissible in islam.
    • Your aggressive, disobedient and verbally abusive towards me when all i try to do is help us live a family life a successful one which Allah promises to those who follow the quran and sunnah instead you retaliate and make this a competition.
    • Ive tried to be patient and compromise but it seems like you don’t want to put back in the same effort or want the same solution as i do.
    • Your never around when i have desires that i should be able to fulfil but instead your too busy doing other things.
    • You make time for everything else yet I’m neglected at home alone all day and all you do is come home at night tired.
    • I never got the chance for my kids to be raised in my house. Instead may allah reward her the highest of rewards and bless her in this life and the next was brought up by your mother.
    • You choose uni over being a mother and raising your kids and more importantly a Wife.




    I deserve your respect and for you to act and be my wife. Its also become tiring and frustrating handling your ill speech and disrespect its getting to much now. If you are not gonna respect me and act in humility and decency towards me then this cant be a marriage, this is not how a islamic marriage is meant to be. Allah has given you your rights like he has given me mine so we should respect it and follow it doing this ensures true happiness and tranquillity.
    • I cannot live with or accept anything that goes against the word of Allah or the Sunnah these are things we as believers have to be aware of and to follow and act upon. We cant be ARROGANT NOR IGNORANT, Allah and the word of our Prophet SAW comes before anything and should be our priority and we should not let anything get in the way of that.




    More evidence if needed :

    http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask...wed-wear-make/




    https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/islam.../answers/67897




  • #2
    Btw just to include this our last chance at this marriage as 2/3 talaaqs have gone.

    Quick insight about me:

    Alhamdulilah not long ago I decided to turn to allah and Allah has guided me since then.

    Please do not judge but the deen use to be the last thing on my mind before and had no taqwa same goes with my wife.

    Since i turnt to Allah all i have been consumed with is seeking knowledge and pleasing my Lord.

    The reason i have asked here is because i have been constantly been thinking about taking a second wife. I’ve prayed and Asked Allah and prayed for the idea to banish if it was the wrong choice but instead my thinking has gotten more serious.

    Please brothers and sisters what do you think and may allah grant all of you the highest of rewards inshallah !

    Comment


    • #3
      This is pathetic for a number of reasons.

      Comment


      • #4
        Please elaborate...

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by MrMahdi View Post
          Please elaborate...
          Why would you publish a private letter addressed to your wife?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Abu 'Abdullaah View Post

            Why would you publish a private letter addressed to your wife?

            Because i wanted to ask for advice on if it was the right way to phrase what i said.

            Also brother its important to me and i wanted to get my points across the right way and get points from people more experianced than me.

            If you dont have any thing to say than Jazak’Allah for your time if you do then i would rather have your constructive advice rather than criticism.

            Bare in mind im a young brother who turns 24 next month and has been married since 18

            Comment


            • #7
              lool

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by MrMahdi View Post


                Because i wanted to ask for advice on if it was the right way to phrase what i said.

                Also brother its important to me and i wanted to get my points across the right way and get points from people more experianced than me.

                If you dont have any thing to say than Jazak’Allah for your time if you do then i would rather have your constructive advice rather than criticism.

                Bare in mind im a young brother who turns 24 next month and has been married since 18
                Constructive advice - which is the same whether you're 24 or 54:

                - Don't post private matters between you and your wife on the internet
                - Don't look for advice on private matters between you and your wife on the internet

                We don't know you; we don't know your wife; we don't know your situation. One must have knowledge of all three to give valued advice.

                This is all without taking into account the actual content of the post. Writing a letter with a list of complaints to rebuke your wife is not normal. Sharing that letter with others is even more questionable. Publishing it on the internet is unthinkable.

                Take it from someone 'more experienced' than you.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Based on what you wrote: If you recently became practising, then how can you make all these demands from your wife? Maybe you should humble yourself and be a bit more patient, forgiving and emotionally intelligent. Instead of acting like a textbook.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by usernametaken View Post
                    Based on what you wrote: If you recently became practising, then how can you make all these demands from your wife? Maybe you should humble yourself and be a bit more patient, forgiving and emotionally intelligent. Instead of acting like a textbook.
                    I dont expect everything overnight to just click into place, I was just saying how i was feeling, what was wrong and what im entitled too.

                    I have no problem with being patient as long as things would move in the right direction. Trust me i am forgiving the amount of verbal abuse i take daily and i just let it go through one ear and out the other also when theres physicalty being used then its quite difficult to be around someone.

                    Thing is my wife wants to play the role of the husband or have the same rights as the husband but doesnt want to improve anything.

                    To be honest i’ve always felt like ive been putting in 110% while getting back maybe 30%.

                    Whoever you are its a very difficult situation to be in but alhamdulilah through my salah and remembering Allah it is easy to bare but it doesnt feel right it being like this.

                    Also im more than willing to do my bit to make it successful but i cant do it all by myself

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Firstly sorry if my post sounded judgemental. I take it back and won't comment on it like that.

                      it seems from your third last paragraph in post 10^ that there were issues before this. Your first post makes it seem like these issues are from one person being more religious than the other. Which will then make it look like a somewhat 'naive'approach to being practising is to blame or is being used as a 'scapegoat'. Sometimes practising people can delude themselves and feel justified by 'hiding' behind religion instead of appraoching matters head on, which is more honest and respectable.

                      That's all i can say from my viewpoint...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thats not the way to make your wife more deeni.
                        didnt you read the hadith about women being a crooked rib. Youre trying to dictate her like hitler, these are my rights and your responsibilities etc etc.

                        i know you are stating logical facts to your wife but that wont work. You said you recently became a good practising muslim but before you werent practising that much. Your parents would tell you your religious duties, and what was your reaction to them at that time.

                        Rasoolullah s.a.w had so many sahabas r.a because of the love they had for him. They were willing to die for him. He had the best of akhlaq, tolerance, empathy and compassion. So if you want to chsnge the heart of your wife, you must first change.
                        1) show good manners
                        2) show her unconditional love
                        3) when she makes tea,coffee, breakfast for you ... kiss her and let her know that you appreciate her. It may be fard for her to obey you but if shes doing it then appreciate such women. Love her like its your last day. Such women are rare.
                        4) women tend to be more emotional and she will respond to your call to religion slowly and steadily. Not all at once.
                        5) You should read 5 times salah but when it comes to her ... dont force it on her. Instead tell her .... i want to be with you in jannah. Please do it for us. Then when she starts reading prayers slowly ... you wake her up for fajr.
                        Then leave it to Allah ... he is best changer of hearts.
                        Keep making dua

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
                          Thats not the way to make your wife more deeni.
                          didnt you read the hadith about women being a crooked rib. Youre trying to dictate her like hitler, these are my rights and your responsibilities etc etc.

                          i know you are stating logical facts to your wife but that wont work. You said you recently became a good practising muslim but before you werent practising that much. Your parents would tell you your religious duties, and what was your reaction to them at that time.

                          Rasoolullah s.a.w had so many sahabas r.a because of the love they had for him. They were willing to die for him. He had the best of akhlaq, tolerance, empathy and compassion. So if you want to chsnge the heart of your wife, you must first change.
                          1) show good manners
                          2) show her unconditional love
                          3) when she makes tea,coffee, breakfast for you ... kiss her and let her know that you appreciate her. It may be fard for her to obey you but if shes doing it then appreciate such women. Love her like its your last day. Such women are rare.
                          4) women tend to be more emotional and she will respond to your call to religion slowly and steadily. Not all at once.
                          5) You should read 5 times salah but when it comes to her ... dont force it on her. Instead tell her .... i want to be with you in jannah. Please do it for us. Then when she starts reading prayers slowly ... you wake her up for fajr.
                          Then leave it to Allah ... he is best changer of hearts.
                          Keep making dua
                          Thank you for this reply i will put this plan into action and leave the rest to Allah SWT as he is the best of planners.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Wa alaykum as-salam

                            Bro, she won't read any of that. Even if she does go through that long email, she won't be happy with it at all.

                            1. Don't try to reason with her. And don't list down the facts then expect her to say: "Yes, dear husband. I was wrong." Only a person without 'aql would expect that from his wife.

                            2. If you don't want her to adorn herself and wear makeup outside, you have to sit down with her and gently tell her. If she persists, then be patient. Work on your relationship with her and she will eventually listen to you.

                            3. If you let her wear makeup outside when you first got married or you didn't address it upon getting married then you can't expect her to change on the spot, especially if she isn't happy with you as a husband.

                            4. Don't send that email. Just delete it. Work on your shortcomings in regard to worship and fulfilling the obligations of Islam in the home and make du'a to Allah to change your situation. Again, if Allah guided you recently then you can't change everything in one day. It will come with time and patience.

                            5. After time, if you're doing your best and she still isn't changing and you don't have kids from her, then just marry a second wife.
                            Last edited by Abu Abdur_Rahman; 27-03-19, 08:08 AM.

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