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Will it be easier to marry in the West when we older? Is early-mid 20s too difficult?

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  • Will it be easier to marry in the West when we older? Is early-mid 20s too difficult?

    I am a male who is 24 - living in Australia. It seems all the girls my age or a couple of years younger just aren't interested in marriage (in general, not just to me haha ... or who knows, maybe just to me).

    Some more info if it helps: I haven't actually met/spoken to anyone sisters yet, I've just asked my aunties/uncles/family friends/imam at my masjid etc if they know anyone and the only people they seem to be able to recommend are family from overseas. I would have thought surely someone would know someone locally as we have quite a large network - dad was an imam and taught at the only Islamic school in our city and one of the madrassahs in town so he asked some of the female teachers there for me, and I have a heap of aunties involved in our town's Muslim women's associations. So I definitely have asked around.

    Has anyone else who started looking at around the same age found something similar? I was thinking maybe wait until I am bit older (and the girls are a bit older and more interested in marriage) and it might be easier. My sisters for example were just purely not interested in marriage until they were in their late 20s. Then they had a mad rush to find someone. And similarly for myself, 2 years ago when I was 22 marriage was the absolute last thing on my mind. So I assume it is the same for the girls younger than me who are around that age as well?

    Or do you think it will be just as hard when I am in my late 20s?

    JazaakAllahKhair! Appreciate any advice. I know the right person will come at the right time InshaAllah. I am just wondering if I should not think about it for a few years and hope it's easier to find someone then. Alternatively, I could bring someone from overseas over now.
    Last edited by Sabr; 26-03-19, 10:44 AM.

  • #2
    Nothing you can do other than Sabr

    "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

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    • #3
      Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
      Nothing you can do other than Sabr
      Thank you for the reply. You are definitely right.

      I could find someone from overseas sooner if I wanted. I just really hoped to marry someone who grew up in the same circumstances as I did in the west and knows how hard it is for youth here, would have a better idea how to raise children here, and who I would not have as many language/communication/cultural barriers with.

      So I am not really sure if its worth waiting it out in the West, or forgetting about it and bringing someone over from a muslim country.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Sabr View Post

        Thank you for the reply. You are definitely right.

        I could find someone from overseas sooner if I wanted. I just really hoped to marry someone who grew up in the same circumstances as I did in the west and knows how hard it is for youth here, would have a better idea how to raise children here, and who I would not have as many language/communication/cultural barriers with.

        So I am not really sure if its worth waiting it out in the West, or forgetting about it and bringing someone over from a muslim country.
        Your concern is understandable. Marrying a woman of different background can indeed cause some issues. But, I think it will be hard to find a spouse around your age in the West. Most women in the West are more focused on their studies at this age.

        "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post

          Your concern is understandable. Marrying a woman of different background can indeed cause some issues. But, I think it will be hard to find a spouse around your age in the West. Most women in the West are more focused on their studies at this age.
          Thank you for the response. That's what I was thinking - just needed a sanity check to make sure I wasn't being silly.

          That's a relief though. It will make it easier to be patient knowing it will hopefully get easier in a few years, InshaAllah.

          JazaakAllahKhair.

          Comment


          • #6
            its better to get married as soon as you feel as your ready, that last minute rush when your in the late 20s/early30s is silly because you just end up choosing anybody out of desperation plus the longer you wait the more fitna your exposed to, what usually ends up happening is both spouses rush towards the end and find out they only married to '' be married'' and usually at this age there are both stuck in their ways to a certain degree so marriage and adapting is harder, also theres always that thought of why did he/she wait this long to marry? did they have bfs/gfs thing might play on your mind, that's just my opinion

            in your case of I would look for a more religious women to marry as they usually marry earlier which is a good thing

            this is only my opinion and there's also cases where people wait and feel better to and end up in happy marriages but I think my opinion is the majority outcome

            if I had the same mind frame and the iman I have now when I was 21-24 I would of 100% married then
            Last edited by Bayna3; 26-03-19, 11:38 AM.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Bayna3 View Post
              in your case of I would look for a more religious women to marry as they usually marry earlier which is a good thing
              Thank you for the response Bayna3. Just to clarify - I am not wanting to wait - I just might be forced to if I want to marry in the West as the girls don't seem to be looking to be very interested in marriage yet. And fair enough, I was the same when I hit 20.

              But yes InshaAllah I do find someone like you mentioned.


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              • #8
                Never give up. Just keep looking and keep reminding the aunties and everyone else you've asked to keep looking for potentials for you.

                24 isn't young at all. It's the right age to get married. Do not lose hope. InshaAllah, Miss Right will come along soon. People who delay marriage for silly reasons only regret it later on in life.

                Girls and boys mature around 11-13 these days. It's ridiculous that they aren't ready for marriage even 10 years later.

                There are plenty of religious and conservative families, both in the East and the West who get their kids married in their late teens and tweens. Perhaps you should just look a bit harder.

                And, lastly, don't forget to make sincere, heartfelt duas for a righteous spouse who'll be the coolness of the eyes. Wake up in the last third portion of the night to pray. The dua made at Tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss its target. If you make an effort to seek halaal and stay away from sins, Allah the Most Gracious will definitely not disappoint you.




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                • #9
                  In the UK, girls are ready as soon as they finish their degree or find a job.

                  This varies from 21-23

                  I started looking when I was 22ish, my parents told everyone, they too always had people who were on visa. I wasn't interested in someone marrying me to settle in the UK.
                  ​​​​​​
                  I couldn't find anyone that was compatible for me.

                  I got married in my late twenties.

                  I find it hard to believe that all girls will delay marriage and that all girls are career minded.

                  I found families wanted a girl with higher education and a job.

                  I am sure you will find someone. Give it some time, I think you have just started looking.

                  Tell everyone you know that you want to get married and ask them to recommend any decent girls they may know of
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Sabr View Post
                    I am a male who is 24 - living in Australia. It seems all the girls my age or a couple of years younger just aren't interested in marriage (in general, not just to me haha ... or who knows, maybe just to me).

                    Some more info if it helps: I haven't actually met/spoken to anyone sisters yet, I've just asked my aunties/uncles/family friends/imam at my masjid etc if they know anyone and the only people they seem to be able to recommend are family from overseas. I would have thought surely someone would know someone locally as we have quite a large network - dad was an imam and taught at the only Islamic school in our city and one of the madrassahs in town so he asked some of the female teachers there for me, and I have a heap of aunties involved in our town's Muslim women's associations. So I definitely have asked around.

                    Has anyone else who started looking at around the same age found something similar? I was thinking maybe wait until I am bit older (and the girls are a bit older and more interested in marriage) and it might be easier. My sisters for example were just purely not interested in marriage until they were in their late 20s. Then they had a mad rush to find someone. And similarly for myself, 2 years ago when I was 22 marriage was the absolute last thing on my mind. So I assume it is the same for the girls younger than me who are around that age as well?

                    Or do you think it will be just as hard when I am in my late 20s?

                    JazaakAllahKhair! Appreciate any advice. I know the right person will come at the right time InshaAllah. I am just wondering if I should not think about it for a few years and hope it's easier to find someone then. Alternatively, I could bring someone from overseas over now.
                    It's a common theme.

                    Many, many females in the west just want freedom and independence, that's all they are interested in. Marriage is a jail sentence to them.

                    When they hit the danger zone i.e. "age = 30" and they know that options will rapidly start to decrease, then they start to dash.

                    Get used to it, I think it's only going to get worse.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I am 25 and looking for marriage. Truth is, my friend, the game was rigged from the start.

                      Most of the early 20s sisters have no interest in marriage. They want to finish education and get "settled", whatever that means. They turn down every formal proposal they get. Most of the time if they do get married, it's because they met someone in college. That's not an option if you're strict about free mixing and gender relations.

                      Early 20s sisters are also very picky. So that's another hurdle for the average guy.

                      The mid 20s sisters, around 24-26, have enormous preference for older brothers in their late 20s and early 30s who are more established in their careers or have better jobs. So yes it feels like you're almost forced to wait.

                      The only guys I've seen get married in their early 20s were those who were really popular and had status in the community, or met someone through freemixing/dating in university, or those who married their cousins or went back home. That's it.

                      But no point complaining. You can only make Dua and persevere.

                      Your target should mainly be religious sisters from religious families who prioritize the Sunnah of marrying early. Not easy to find though.

                      A wife from overseas isn't a bad option if you can find someone you connect with. Lots of good sisters in the east who will get married young.

                      Good news is, at least you'll have plenty of options in your late 20s. The girls are scrambling to get married. So if you get there and you're still single, only settle for the best you can get. The least you can do is reward yourself for having waited so long.

                      P.S. Dont ever marry one of these girls who focused on career and didn't care about marriage till she was like 28 or 29, and now she wants to marry just to tick a box or be seen as a married woman. Find someone who's looking for genuine companionship and will cherish you.
                      Last edited by Stoic Believer; 26-03-19, 01:18 PM.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post

                        There are plenty of religious and conservative families, both in the East and the West who get their kids married in their late teens and tweens. Perhaps you should just look a bit harder.

                        And, lastly, don't forget to make sincere, heartfelt duas for a righteous spouse who'll be the coolness of the eyes. Wake up in the last third portion of the night to pray. The dua made at Tahajjud is like an arrow which does not miss its target. If you make an effort to seek halaal and stay away from sins, Allah the Most Gracious will definitely not disappoint you.

                        جزاك الله جيرا for the advice TwinklingStar. That was really calming and re-assuring to read. Yes you are right, I'm sure it will come with time. Everything I have asked for in Tahajjud in the past has been granted - at just the right time and no earlier.



                        Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                        I find it hard to believe that all girls will delay marriage and that all girls are career minded.

                        I found families wanted a girl with higher education and a job.

                        I am sure you will find someone. Give it some time, I think you have just started looking.

                        Tell everyone you know that you want to get married and ask them to recommend any decent girls they may know of
                        جزاك الله جيرا for the advice as well Ya'sin.

                        I feel the same way about bringing someone over.

                        Quite jealous of the UK! Our muslim community is much smaller and less developed.

                        Yes you are right, I haven't been looking for too long. I just need to be more patient. I'm so used to just working harder to get what I want but this something I have to rely on other people to find for me so that's a bit more difficult. But a good reminder that nothing is in my control. Alhamdullilah.

                        Thanks again everyone. I will focus on other things and just give it some time.


                        Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
                        I am 25 and looking for marriage. Truth is, my friend, the game was rigged from the start.

                        Good news is, at least you'll have plenty of options in your late 20s. The girls are scrambling to get married. So if you get there and you're still single, only settle for the best you can get. The least you can do is reward yourself for having waited so long.
                        Hahah I guess that and having the option to marry from overseas takes a lot of pressure off.



                        Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                        Many, many females in the west just want freedom and independence, that's all they are interested in. Marriage is a jail sentence to them.

                        When they hit the danger zone i.e. "age = 30" and they know that options will rapidly start to decrease, then they start to dash.
                        :(
                        Last edited by Sabr; 26-03-19, 01:21 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Marriage is based on your qadar. As some mentioned above, they started looking at early 20s but didn't get married until late 20s because they could not find someone. I had the same situation, my mom technically started before I turned 20 & yes I was open to marriage but I truly wasn't comfortable with the work/risk that came with marriage. So only if the guy really really felt absolutely perfect I would have settled down, which most human are not perfect unless you are blinded by love.

                          Most girls in early 20's are scared of the responsibilities and work associated with marriage & unless the guy is absolute match why take the risk for average Ahmed. Most girls are open to marriage at that age but are in "search mode" trying to figure out what is their absolute match & what can they live without. 24 is perfect age, especially if you are looking for someone around your age. Keep looking and you never know when you will find the perfect match. But you will get married when Allah will it for you, regardless of how much effort you put in. Marriage takes time, it always took time, it is not like a switch you turn on & it happens. It might feel like forever but the time goes by faster. Enjoy this stage in life for the struggle you go thru "trying to find your other half" will help you appreciate your other half when you find her. The struggle of singlehood helped me appreciate my husband much more.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Kya View Post
                            Marriage is based on your qadar. As some mentioned above, they started looking at early 20s but didn't get married until late 20s because they could not find someone. I had the same situation, my mom technically started before I turned 20 & yes I was open to marriage but I truly wasn't comfortable with the work/risk that came with marriage. So only if the guy really really felt absolutely perfect I would have settled down, which most human are not perfect unless you are blinded by love.

                            Most girls in early 20's are scared of the responsibilities and work associated with marriage & unless the guy is absolute match why take the risk for average Ahmed. Most girls are open to marriage at that age but are in "search mode" trying to figure out what is their absolute match & what can they live without. 24 is perfect age, especially if you are looking for someone around your age. Keep looking and you never know when you will find the perfect match. But you will get married when Allah will it for you, regardless of how much effort you put in. Marriage takes time, it always took time, it is not like a switch you turn on & it happens. It might feel like forever but the time goes by faster. Enjoy this stage in life for the struggle you go thru "trying to find your other half" will help you appreciate your other half when you find her. The struggle of singlehood helped me appreciate my husband much more.
                            Thanks for the response Kya. That all makes sense. I've also realised what I will have to compromise on if I want to get married locally.
                            Also hilarious - my name is Ahmed.
                            Will keep trying InshaAllah.
                            JazaakAllahKhair.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                              It's a common theme.

                              Many, many females in the west just want freedom and independence, that's all they are interested in. Marriage is a jail sentence to them.

                              When they hit the danger zone i.e. "age = 30" and they know that options will rapidly start to decrease, then they start to dash.

                              Get used to it, I think it's only going to get worse.
                              Still bashing the 30 year olds?! Lay off

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