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  • Confused about attraction

    Asalamualaikum,

    I am currently in the process of finding a spouse and recently met up with this one potential. The problem is I didn't find him attractive, he looked different from his picture, but we got along really well, except the whole time I was thinking I don't find him attractive and it sucks because everything else was fine. I mean there are other issues like he still lives with family and needs my help financially etc but I'm conflicted about giving him a chance based on looks.

    I feel bad giving him a chance when I don't find him attractive but he thinks I am happy with moving forward, if that makes sense. People are telling me attraction comes after you get to know someone, but I'm thinking wouldn't you already know if there's a chance? I'm afraid of marrying someone I'm not attracted to just because I'm afraid I won't find someone else. If im being honest I haven't spoken to anyone I actually think is attractive, its hard to find someone who has all the qualities. I do end up rejecting them based on that because I personally think attraction is important. Anyway, I did like him and compared to the other 2 potentials I'd met he is the only one I kinda clicked with personality wise. But you can marry everyone you click with, right? It's marriage you need to have more of a physical attraction too.

    I guess I'm asking what you think about the situation. I've only met him once. Do you think you can force attraction? Or shall I let it go? Let him find someone who actually finds him attractive and not try to test whether I can see a future. I dont want to waste his time and lead them on while I'm conflicted about looks still. But I aldo don't want to let a good potential go. Ah I'm really confused. I'd appreciate any advice.

  • #2
    Are you planning on being his husband?

    If you are happy with being the provider then be warned, you cannot complain later.
    I strongly suggest you decide what your priorities are first and whether you want a marriage based on religion or a more secular setting.

    it all sounds messy

    You should be looking at WHY is he expecting help from you financially and WHY is he not independent or ready for marriage yet

    ​​How old are you sister and do you have a wali?

    As for your main concern, there should be some mutual attraction. You have to get close to your spouse and only YOU as an individual can decide whether you are comfortable with that or not.

    Is he someone you can LIVE with or NOT

    Is he SO UNATTRACTIVE that you can't eat in front of him because all your thinking about is his looks?

    Say no.

    I really hope that was helpful




    ​​​
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by XMuslimahx View Post
      Asalamualaikum,

      I am currently in the process of finding a spouse and recently met up with this one potential. The problem is I didn't find him attractive, he looked different from his picture, but we got along really well, except the whole time I was thinking I don't find him attractive and it sucks because everything else was fine. I mean there are other issues like he still lives with family and needs my help financially etc but I'm conflicted about giving him a chance based on looks.

      I feel bad giving him a chance when I don't find him attractive but he thinks I am happy with moving forward, if that makes sense. People are telling me attraction comes after you get to know someone, but I'm thinking wouldn't you already know if there's a chance? I'm afraid of marrying someone I'm not attracted to just because I'm afraid I won't find someone else. If im being honest I haven't spoken to anyone I actually think is attractive, its hard to find someone who has all the qualities. I do end up rejecting them based on that because I personally think attraction is important. Anyway, I did like him and compared to the other 2 potentials I'd met he is the only one I kinda clicked with personality wise. But you can marry everyone you click with, right? It's marriage you need to have more of a physical attraction too.

      I guess I'm asking what you think about the situation. I've only met him once. Do you think you can force attraction? Or shall I let it go? Let him find someone who actually finds him attractive and not try to test whether I can see a future. I dont want to waste his time and lead them on while I'm conflicted about looks still. But I aldo don't want to let a good potential go. Ah I'm really confused. I'd appreciate any advice.
      You've already wasted his time by making him think you want to move forward.

      Let him go before dragging him into a marriage with you just because you're afraid of saying no.

      Comment


      • #4
        If looks matter so much to you, then I would suggest that you move on and find someone who you find attractive. I guess you woudn't want to stay stuck with a man whose looks and lack of attraction will keep bothering you for the rest of your married life.

        Comment


        • #5
          reject him

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by XMuslimahx View Post
            Asalamualaikum,

            I am currently in the process of finding a spouse and recently met up with this one potential. The problem is I didn't find him attractive, he looked different from his picture, but we got along really well, except the whole time I was thinking I don't find him attractive and it sucks because everything else was fine. I mean there are other issues like he still lives with family and needs my help financially etc but I'm conflicted about giving him a chance based on looks.

            I feel bad giving him a chance when I don't find him attractive but he thinks I am happy with moving forward, if that makes sense. People are telling me attraction comes after you get to know someone, but I'm thinking wouldn't you already know if there's a chance? I'm afraid of marrying someone I'm not attracted to just because I'm afraid I won't find someone else. If im being honest I haven't spoken to anyone I actually think is attractive, its hard to find someone who has all the qualities. I do end up rejecting them based on that because I personally think attraction is important. Anyway, I did like him and compared to the other 2 potentials I'd met he is the only one I kinda clicked with personality wise. But you can marry everyone you click with, right? It's marriage you need to have more of a physical attraction too.

            I guess I'm asking what you think about the situation. I've only met him once. Do you think you can force attraction? Or shall I let it go? Let him find someone who actually finds him attractive and not try to test whether I can see a future. I dont want to waste his time and lead them on while I'm conflicted about looks still. But I aldo don't want to let a good potential go. Ah I'm really confused. I'd appreciate any advice.
            In what way is he good? So far you said he's unattractive, still lives with his family, need your help financially. Not someone worth compromising for IMO.

            Comment


            • #7
              You will end it sooner or later. Better to end it now before he gets attached to you.
              if you didn't find him attractive from the beginning then you won't.

              Comment


              • #8
                Only you can be the judge.

                There's a difference between finding someone unattractive which may potentially lead to issues in the future, and finding someone not attractive enough because you had something better in mind and you feel you deserve better.

                Only you know which of the two it is.

                The first is a legitimate reason not to marry someone. The second is someone following their desires and not being practical.

                Besides, this is an issue which Islam has spoken about and has not stayed silent about. It should not be left for one's own whims and desires to decide, or else it will only lead to regret and misery. That's why one should ask people of knowledge when faced with big decisions like this, and not people who will only tell you what you want to hear.

                “If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then give (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him in marriage.” They said: “O Messenger of Allaah, even if he falls short with regard to wealth and compatibility.” He said: “If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then give (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him in marriage” three times. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by XMuslimahx View Post
                  Asalamualaikum,
                  I am currently in the process of finding a spouse and recently met up with this one potential. The problem is I didn't find him attractive, he looked different from his picture, but we got along really well, except the whole time I was thinking I don't find him attractive and it sucks because everything else was fine. I mean there are other issues like he still lives with family and needs my help financially etc but I'm conflicted about giving him a chance based on looks.
                  I feel bad giving him a chance when I don't find him attractive but he thinks I am happy with moving forward, if that makes sense. People are telling me attraction comes after you get to know someone, but I'm thinking wouldn't you already know if there's a chance? I'm afraid of marrying someone I'm not attracted to just because I'm afraid I won't find someone else. If im being honest I haven't spoken to anyone I actually think is attractive, its hard to find someone who has all the qualities. I do end up rejecting them based on that because I personally think attraction is important. Anyway, I did like him and compared to the other 2 potentials I'd met he is the only one I kinda clicked with personality wise. But you can marry everyone you click with, right? It's marriage you need to have more of a physical attraction too.
                  I guess I'm asking what you think about the situation. I've only met him once. Do you think you can force attraction? Or shall I let it go? Let him find someone who actually finds him attractive and not try to test whether I can see a future. I dont want to waste his time and lead them on while I'm conflicted about looks still. But I aldo don't want to let a good potential go. Ah I'm really confused. I'd appreciate any advice.
                  wsalam.

                  There is more to consider than "attraction" and "clicked" as the above post mentions. If you can't see beyond this then perhaps you are not ready to get married.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by zi-zizou View Post

                    wsalam.

                    There is more to consider than "attraction" and "clicked" as the above post mentions. If you can't see beyond this then perhaps you are not ready to get married.
                    I didn't want to go into details so it's easier to say we clicked because the question is about attraction. Of course I looked at his religion, character and everything else.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                      Are you planning on being his husband?

                      If you are happy with being the provider then be warned, you cannot complain later.
                      I strongly suggest you decide what your priorities are first and whether you want a marriage based on religion or a more secular setting.

                      it all sounds messy

                      You should be looking at WHY is he expecting help from you financially and WHY is he not independent or ready for marriage yet

                      ​​How old are you sister and do you have a wali?

                      As for your main concern, there should be some mutual attraction. You have to get close to your spouse and only YOU as an individual can decide whether you are comfortable with that or not.

                      Is he someone you can LIVE with or NOT

                      Is he SO UNATTRACTIVE that you can't eat in front of him because all your thinking about is his looks?

                      Say no.

                      I really hope that was helpful




                      ​​​
                      Thanks that is helpful. He said he wants to move out in a year or so and he needs help financially because he doesn't have a good job, he's trying to work his way up in the company. I don't want to be the provider, no, I wouldn't want the stress of it. It's something I would talk to him about before moving forward.
                      Last edited by XMuslimahx; 26-03-19, 08:28 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        my own opinion .. I feel like that you should be happy to marry i.e your happy with everything of him to a certain degree, if your not attracted to him at all, well that's the main thing we get married for is to protect each other from doing unchaste things etc.

                        if you was attracted to him what would your decision be? it's a shame when money is always the problem, im sure he wouldn't want help at all financially if he could easily afford to keep you and him, a man doesn't want his wife to feel she has to work, if anything a man would love to be the only provider but sadly things are so expensive these days that it leaves men unmarried for years on end

                        In the Quran Allah says

                        And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.

                        Surah Nur 24:32

                        im not 100% sure on the tafsir on this though if its talking about everyone or just the slaves because in Surah Nur 24:33

                        Allah says

                        But let them who find not [the means for] marriage abstain [from sexual relations] until Allah enriches them from His bounty. And those who seek a contract [for eventual emancipation] from among whom your right hands possess - then make a contract with them if you know there is within them goodness and give them from the wealth of Allah which He has given you. And do not compel your slave girls to prostitution, if they desire chastity, to seek [thereby] the temporary interests of worldly life. And if someone should compel them, then indeed, Allah is [to them], after their compulsion, Forgiving and Merciful.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by XMuslimahx View Post

                          I didn't want to go into details so it's easier to say we clicked because the question is about attraction. Of course I looked at his religion, character and everything else.
                          Splendid.

                          And you were pleased with everything else?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by XMuslimahx View Post

                            I didn't want to go into details so it's easier to say we clicked because the question is about attraction. Of course I looked at his religion, character and everything else.
                            If you have a wali, he should be part of the process

                            Women can be naive and men do take advantage of naive women.
                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              This is just a general comment.

                              its going to be very difficult to find someone who has deen, a good job and looks. If you find a good Muslim that you click with and who can support you then you should accept him. Looks aren’t everything. If you focus too much on that then you may neglect more important things when choosing a potential or you could loose someone who was actually good.

                              Comment

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