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How do I control myself?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by IsaahM View Post
    Start crying in pain when he "play" hits you. You're saying that you reciprocate and play along sometimes yeah? That's what led him into thinking it's okay to continue it. I'm not blaming you as I know you had good intentions, but it seems that you allowing it for a while has made him feel that it's okay to do. You seem like a smart woman, handle it smartly. Make him see that he's hurting you. Cry out in pain or next time he's around you start flinching. Like uhhh...he comes to hug you just cower away and make it seem like you thought he was going to hit you and you reflexively moved away from him.. if he sees that he's scared you and is causing trauma to you then his love for you should make him stop it on his own (hoping he's got his head in the right place). Try not to encourage the behavior anymore, grow silent and aloof if he initiates it. I'm sure you can use conditioning approaches of learning to achieve desirable behavior haha...
    This is quite creative and I have in the past advised similar, to sisters who have issues with their husbands' actions. I guess I should take my own advice. I suppose what I'm seeking here is some sound advice like this along with ways to better manage my own behavior as well.

    Just to clarify to everyone, this is PLAYFUL behavior and he is just a tad too rough. I have been abused in the past and he is not acting in an abusive way or with anger. He is actually the opposite and quite mild tempered. However, he is from a house of only men and boys and quite simply put, doesn't understand women in the least.
    I am the fiery one when angry, astaghfirullah. I think it was misunderstood when I mentioned he does leave bruises occasionally. I mean to imply that it is not romantic and that his play is similar to how you would fight with a brother as a child. Sometimes one or the other gets hurt but its all in good fun though the other sibling may not be happy about it. Only for me, I get angry by this playing and my stubborn self ends up yelling because of it. He doesn't want me to respond with anger when I am displeased. It's confusing.

    Not sure if any of you are of Arab descent but (where he comes from at least) people don't go to counselors or psychologist as they do in the west so it is literally a concept not conceivable for him.

    Thank you, everyone, for your concerns and advice! Allah reward you all!

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    • #17
      Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
      Valid point. He keeps doing it even though he knows youve been through trauma. And who in their right mind hits his wife and that too you get bruises.
      I dont know how any person can put up with this.
      And the fact that youre defending him also means you lack the courage n self esteem to speakup against him. Maybe deep down you feel that you deserve to be mistreated as you have been in the past which is not a healthy belief to have.
      dear sister please speak to a counsellor. Hitting is not normal sister.!!!
      i dont know why ur justifying his actions.

      Not a family member but a psychologist.
      I get where you both are coming from. And I don't think he is right and do not stand silent to him in these situations. I am trying to steer him in the right direction without plundering his dignity and my blessings as a wife. He is a calm and caring even in arguments but mentally inept to how women think and feel.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by ummyusufmr View Post

        This is quite creative and I have in the past advised similar, to sisters who have issues with their husbands' actions. I guess I should take my own advice. I suppose what I'm seeking here is some sound advice like this along with ways to better manage my own behavior as well.

        Just to clarify to everyone, this is PLAYFUL behavior and he is just a tad too rough. I have been abused in the past and he is not acting in an abusive way or with anger. He is actually the opposite and quite mild tempered. However, he is from a house of only men and boys and quite simply put, doesn't understand women in the least.
        I am the fiery one when angry, astaghfirullah. I think it was misunderstood when I mentioned he does leave bruises occasionally. I mean to imply that it is not romantic and that his play is similar to how you would fight with a brother as a child. Sometimes one or the other gets hurt but its all in good fun though the other sibling may not be happy about it. Only for me, I get angry by this playing and my stubborn self ends up yelling because of it. He doesn't want me to respond with anger when I am displeased. It's confusing.

        Not sure if any of you are of Arab descent but (where he comes from at least) people don't go to counselors or psychologist as they do in the west so it is literally a concept not conceivable for him.

        Thank you, everyone, for your concerns and advice! Allah reward you all!
        Hmm.. do share if you need more advice on boys and how to appeal to them. Hope that you manage to make things work!! Also, control your anger it will ruin everything good that you have. This is the most most most important advice I could give. Don't don't don't get angry.

        Comment


        • #19
          just continue to yell at him until your childish husband gets the hint?
          he sounds pretty oversensitive
          and no you are not collecting sins as he is pushing your buttons by disrespecting you. he himself is collecting sins for not listening to what you have asked him several times not to do.
          seems like your husband hasn't as yet grown up, might be time to have a word with his mummyji (i'm assuming hes pakistani)

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Palpay View Post
            just continue to yell at him until your childish husband gets the hint?
            he sounds pretty oversensitive
            and no you are not collecting sins as he is pushing your buttons by disrespecting you. he himself is collecting sins for not listening to what you have asked him several times not to do.
            seems like your husband hasn't as yet grown up, might be time to have a word with his mummyji (i'm oassuming hes pakistani)
            Hhhhh actually he isn't Pakistani but I'm not to fond with involving the parents unless he were just out of control. Better to not rock the boat. Right now I'm on everybody's good side. Alhamdulillah honestly my in laws are great and I'm sure they would lay it on him if he were bad to me. Honestly like I said before he's a good guy and overall a great husband and father. But this flaw just gets under my skin and idk how to address it any differently than I already am.

            ive noticed in this day and age minor problems take on a snowball effect and next thing you know a couple is looking to divorce from something if fixed early on would have been simple.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by ummyusufmr View Post

              Hhhhh actually he isn't Pakistani but I'm not to fond with involving the parents unless he were just out of control. Better to not rock the boat. Right now I'm on everybody's good side. Alhamdulillah honestly my in laws are great and I'm sure they would lay it on him if he were bad to me. Honestly like I said before he's a good guy and overall a great husband and father. But this flaw just gets under my skin and idk how to address it any differently than I already am.

              ive noticed in this day and age minor problems take on a snowball effect and next thing you know a couple is looking to divorce from something if fixed early on would have been simple.
              You have to set the standards in your marriage..
              You say you don't want to rock the boat but you've tried all the sit down chats but it's obviously not getting through to him. The next time he does it, make a big deal of it and say if it continues you will tell his mother.


              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

              Comment


              • #22
                Which woman goes to her mother in-law if she's having sexual problems?

                "Your son has watched a lot of erotica and gets turned on by play-slapping and punching me which I totally abhor because I was sexually abused as a kid."

                "Son, I warn you of dire consequences if you ever hit your wife again. Find some other way to get aroused."

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                  Which woman goes to her mother in-law if she's having sexual problems?

                  "Your son has watched a lot of erotica and gets turned on by play-slapping and punching me which I totally abhor because I was sexually abused as a kid."

                  "Son, I warn you of dire consequences if you ever hit your wife again. Find some other way to get aroused."
                  You have made a lot of negative assumptions about the OP's husband, firstly how do you know whether he has watched 'erotica'?
                  Also the sister made it clear that it wasn't a form of arousal for him, he was brought up in a house full of men, so this kind of play was normal to him..

                  Also even if it was some kind of fetish for him, that still doesnt mean that the brother had to have watched 'erotica' there are other ways you can develop 'strange' desires...

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
                    Which woman goes to her mother in-law if she's having sexual problems?

                    "Your son has watched a lot of erotica and gets turned on by play-slapping and punching me which I totally abhor because I was sexually abused as a kid."

                    "Son, I warn you of dire consequences if you ever hit your wife again. Find some other way to get aroused."
                    Looooooooool I get the humor I hope others do too

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by IsaahM View Post

                      Looooooooool I get the humor I hope others do too
                      This sister doesn't tend to make humorous posts..

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by hasan2013 View Post

                        This sister doesn't tend to make humorous posts..
                        I'm quite sure she was being sarcastic there. Not everyone can identify sarcasm easily.

                        Unfortunately she assumed that the thread is about sexual problems, I think the OP was talking about general play-fighting and not in a sexual manner.

                        Even so, the sarcasm used was quite funny. Don't see much funny sarcasm nowadays.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by ummyusufmr View Post

                          This is quite creative and I have in the past advised similar, to sisters who have issues with their husbands' actions. I guess I should take my own advice. I suppose what I'm seeking here is some sound advice like this along with ways to better manage my own behavior as well.

                          Just to clarify to everyone, this is PLAYFUL behavior and he is just a tad too rough. I have been abused in the past and he is not acting in an abusive way or with anger. He is actually the opposite and quite mild tempered. However, he is from a house of only men and boys and quite simply put, doesn't understand women in the least.
                          I am the fiery one when angry, astaghfirullah. I think it was misunderstood when I mentioned he does leave bruises occasionally. I mean to imply that it is not romantic and that his play is similar to how you would fight with a brother as a child. Sometimes one or the other gets hurt but its all in good fun though the other sibling may not be happy about it. Only for me, I get angry by this playing and my stubborn self ends up yelling because of it. He doesn't want me to respond with anger when I am displeased. It's confusing.

                          Not sure if any of you are of Arab descent but (where he comes from at least) people don't go to counselors or psychologist as they do in the west so it is literally a concept not conceivable for him.

                          Thank you, everyone, for your concerns and advice! Allah reward you all!
                          its not normal for couples to play fight and give bruises
                          nor should it be compared to fighting with brothers
                          and brothers should bruise each other either

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Ws

                            yelling wont help the solve the problem, communicate with him more and be open minded. He may not understand so try to explain it to him.

                            Or you can involve elders who he may respect and obey.

                            So so sorry about what you went through sister.. xx
                            I love you, cherish you and worship you,
                            Guide me on your path to your janna,
                            Unite me beside you My King and all mighty,


                            :love:Allah:love:

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