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  • How do I control myself?

    Salam Alaykum w rahmatullah w barakatuh,

    My husband enjoys play fighting for fun: to involve randomly grabbing me, lightly slapping and punching, and pushing. However, I was abused both physically and sexually as a child and into early adulthood. I have told him many times since the beginning of our marriage (2 years) that these things make me uncomfortable and trigger me. The past two times he has done this my response has been to yell for him to stop. Because of this he is very upset with me and has told me I am collecting sins and he cannot live with a wife who yells at him. I am not a frequent yeller and these are isolated events. I apologized each time and remind him that it is triggering yet he continues to "play" fight me. I don't know what else to do and I feel my requests have fallen on deaf ears. I cope very well and my past abuse has not affected my ability to perform my duties as wife, mother, or employee. But there has to be a resolution to this. Am I really doing something horrible and non-forgivable?

  • #2
    Sister this is a very sensitive topic.
    I imagine if someone is sexually abused during their childhood, then they would have a problem while getting intimate with their partners and could create problems.
    I dont know the extent to the grabbing and pushing etc. I mean women love being grabbed by their husband for a kiss. Its romantic and spontaneous.
    And husbands sometimes bite the cheeks of their wives out of love. Its very playful and fun. Maybe engage in pillow fights. Maybe your husband is the kind of person who is into this and he desires such playfulness.
    . Ofcourse things shouldnt get to a point where one partner gets hurt physically. Like punching seems a bit too much in my opinion. Maybe you should visit a marriage counsellor and therepy to undo the damage of your past and have a playful marriage. And wherever you are physically hurt you have every right to say NO. Just be calm and mature about it.
    . I know its not easy to be calm and mature especially when your past memories are triggered. Ive not been in your shoes so its hard for me to say, but if you want him to listen then atleast you have to try to communicate calmly. I hope you work it out with him and enjoy a respectful and playful married life. InShahAllah. Be firm on your salah 5 times and make dua for your marriage.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post
      Sister this is a very sensitive topic.
      I .
      tmi!!

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      • #4
        Originally posted by ummyusufmr View Post
        Salam Alaykum w rahmatullah w barakatuh,

        My husband enjoys play fighting for fun: to involve randomly grabbing me, lightly slapping and punching, and pushing. However, I was abused both physically and sexually as a child and into early adulthood. I have told him many times since the beginning of our marriage (2 years) that these things make me uncomfortable and trigger me. The past two times he has done this my response has been to yell for him to stop. Because of this he is very upset with me and has told me I am collecting sins and he cannot live with a wife who yells at him. I am not a frequent yeller and these are isolated events. I apologized each time and remind him that it is triggering yet he continues to "play" fight me. I don't know what else to do and I feel my requests have fallen on deaf ears. I cope very well and my past abuse has not affected my ability to perform my duties as wife, mother, or employee. But there has to be a resolution to this. Am I really doing something horrible and non-forgivable?
        waalaikumsalam

        Sorry to hear what you went through as a child. You've been through something traumatic which still affects your today. You shouldn't yell at your husband but communicate clearly that you're not comfortable with some of the stuff he does and he needsto respect your physical boundaries.

        Go to counselling and couples counselling so you two can build a healthy relationship.
        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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        • #5
          You are doing nothing wrong. I believe its time for you to sit down with him and have a serious conversation. You really need to assert your point strongly so that he takes you seriously enough. If it still doesn't work, then it would be wise to communicate the matter to your in-laws so that they can better guide you on this matter. In my opinion, it is very immature of your husband to keep on repeating those acts even after your repeated attempts to stop them.

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          • #6
            I don't believe he has ill intent though his playfulness is far from romantic it is painful more times than not, sometimes leaving bruising. More of how I would fight with a sibling or cousin as a child. He enjoys it very much and at times I find ways to just take it and play along so to speak.
            On a personal level, I have been counseled for past abuse for many years and that along with other activities I believe are the only reason I have made it as far as I have. But I am just too haste to anger. And though I try many remedies to my behavior I seem to always revert to some form of aggression.
            He is of the notion that there is no such thing as "mental illness", "depression", etc. And suggesting marriage counseling for what he views to be "'my issues" as a wife, just would not be an avenue he would consider
            Last edited by ummyusufmr; 26-03-19, 02:10 PM.

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            • #7
              The most bothersome part of all is I have sat down with him and been calm and serious about how it affects me. And he initially said he would stop. Which did not happen. So I sat down with him again and he agreed to try to stop. Which again didn't happen. Then the third sit down he made the argument of, "I can't play with my wife? I can't have fun in my house? I can't relax at home? If I can't hit my wife who should I hit? If you want me to be serious all the time I can." So it seems to me that either I accept it and try to react appropriately or my husband will be dissatisfied with me. I'm spinning.

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              • #8
                Sister, I think you and your husband both need to go to a third, unbiased party to sort your intimacy issues.

                Inspite of having been told how painful and traumatic play-fighting is for you, your husband has not understood the gravity of this situation and is shifting the blame on you for being non co-operative.

                As long as he does not understand that intimacy is very, very different for victims of sexual abuse, he will not change his behaviour.

                And yelling during those moments does not make you a bad wife. It's your body reacting naturally - you're simply being defensive to what's been buried in your subconscious mind as traumatic. Try as you may, you cannot be a robot and play along. You will never enjoy such moments, rather it'll have the opposite effect. You will begin hating him, loathing him and despising him to the point that intimacy will become a burdensome chore for you.

                This is not how relations must be between a married couple. These aren't your issues exclusively, they involve you both, so, try to seek help - together.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by ummyusufmr View Post
                  I don't believe he has ill intent though his playfulness is far from romantic it is painful more times than not, sometimes leaving bruising. More of how I would fight with a sibling or cousin as a child. He enjoys it very much and at times I find ways to just take it and play along so to speak.
                  On a personal level, I have been counseled for past abuse for many years and that along with other activities I believe are the only reason I have made it as far as I have. But I am just too haste to anger. And though I try many remedies to my behavior I seem to always revert to some form of aggression.
                  He is of the notion that there is no such thing as "mental illness", "depression", etc. And suggesting marriage counseling for what he views to be "'my issues" as a wife, just would not be an avenue he would consider
                  If its hurting then sister he needs to empathise with you and be an understanding husband. A real guy would never leave bruises on his wife. Seriously does he even read the Quran and hadith.
                  You have every right to be angry, you are his wife, not his toy where he can play "fight" with you. You need to get a third party to resolve this issue, you need to talk it with him.
                  You can do what he says to please him but only if Allah approves of it, if anything goes against the commandments of Allah and spirit of Islam, you have every right to deny it. If he doesnt like it, thats his problem.
                  "I enjoin you to treat women well, for they are like captives to you. Verily, you have no right treat them otherwise, unless they commit flagrant immorality. If they do so, then you may separate from their beds and strike them without causing pain, but if they obey you then you may do nothing against them.
                  Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1163"
                  I think your anger is justified in this situation. He needs to learn to listen. Pray and make dua, and try to express your anger in a healthy way. Because things could get out of control and shaitaan loves to seperate husband and wife. Hope this works out for you sister. May Allah increase the understanding and love your husband has for you. Allah can change hearts, trust him.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by shehbazthakur View Post

                    If its hurting then sister he needs to empathise with you and be an understanding husband. A real guy would never leave bruises on his wife. Seriously does he even read the Quran and hadith.
                    You have every right to be angry, you are his wife, not his toy where he can play "fight" with you. You need to get a third party to resolve this issue, you need to talk it with him.
                    You can do what he says to please him but only if Allah approves of it, if anything goes against the commandments of Allah and spirit of Islam, you have every right to deny it. If he doesnt like it, thats his problem.
                    "I enjoin you to treat women well, for they are like captives to you. Verily, you have no right treat them otherwise, unless they commit flagrant immorality. If they do so, then you may separate from their beds and strike them without causing pain, but if they obey you then you may do nothing against them.
                    Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1163"
                    I think your anger is justified in this situation. He needs to learn to listen. Pray and make dua, and try to express your anger in a healthy way. Because things could get out of control and shaitaan loves to seperate husband and wife. Hope this works out for you sister. May Allah increase the understanding and love your husband has for you. Allah can change hearts, trust him.
                    Ameen ya rab. Jazakallah khair!

                    I stand by the notion that he just does not understand it in depth. He seems to genuinely feel he is doing something permissible and doesn't have a grasp of how traumatic events are resurfaced. Before we married, I advised that intimacy would be different with me and at times I would not even want to be touched. After marriage, I elaborated more.

                    He accepts my argument that it I triggers me but he still expects my reaction to change entirely. I should be calm and speak in a low tone. Which I agree and really want to be, yet I'm certain situations it is very very difficult for me. Mind you, I have never yelled or refuted him in front of any individual or in a public space. I respect the dignity of my husband and never like to feel I'm against him.

                    I am by no means perfect but I try.

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                    • #11
                      the flip
                      why is he hitting and giving bruises
                      thats not normal

                      he needs councelling

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ummyusufmr View Post
                        The most bothersome part of all is I have sat down with him and been calm and serious about how it affects me. And he initially said he would stop. Which did not happen. So I sat down with him again and he agreed to try to stop. Which again didn't happen. Then the third sit down he made the argument of, "I can't play with my wife? I can't have fun in my house? I can't relax at home? If I can't hit my wife who should I hit? If you want me to be serious all the time I can." So it seems to me that either I accept it and try to react appropriately or my husband will be dissatisfied with me. I'm spinning.
                        What?! what kind of person say something like this? He sounds like he has a mental problem.

                        Sorry to say this, sis, but to me your husband sounds like a classic abuser, Says "I will change I will stop etc etc" but keep repeating his abuse. You also sound like the classic victim, already blaming yourself and in denial about your husband's abuse.

                        Get a trusted family member involved, or get help/counselling ASAP before things get worse.

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                        • #13
                          Hitting wife?

                          Ehh.., weird fetish.

                          "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Juwairiyyah View Post
                            What?! what kind of person say something like this? He sounds like he has a mental problem.
                            Sorry to say this, sis, but to me your husband sounds like a classic abuser, Says "I will change I will stop etc etc" but keep repeating his abuse. You also sound like the classic victim, already blaming yourself and in denial about your husband's abuse.
                            Get a trusted family member involved, or get help/counselling ASAP before things get worse.
                            Valid point. He keeps doing it even though he knows youve been through trauma. And who in their right mind hits his wife and that too you get bruises.
                            I dont know how any person can put up with this.
                            And the fact that youre defending him also means you lack the courage n self esteem to speakup against him. Maybe deep down you feel that you deserve to be mistreated as you have been in the past which is not a healthy belief to have.
                            dear sister please speak to a counsellor. Hitting is not normal sister.!!!
                            i dont know why ur justifying his actions.

                            Not a family member but a psychologist.

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                            • #15
                              Start crying in pain when he "play" hits you. You're saying that you reciprocate and play along sometimes yeah? That's what led him into thinking it's okay to continue it. I'm not blaming you as I know you had good intentions, but it seems that you allowing it for a while has made him feel that it's okay to do. You seem like a smart woman, handle it smartly. Make him see that he's hurting you. Cry out in pain or next time he's around you start flinching. Like uhhh...he comes to hug you just cower away and make it seem like you thought he was going to hit you and you reflexively moved away from him.. if he sees that he's scared you and is causing trauma to you then his love for you should make him stop it on his own (hoping he's got his head in the right place). Try not to encourage the behavior anymore, grow silent and aloof if he initiates it. I'm sure you can use conditioning approaches of learning to achieve desirable behavior haha...

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