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  • My parents in law wont let us settle outside Pakistan


    Assalam o Alaikum everyone!

    I am in lots of stress from the day since i got married. I need help from you guys. Sorry if the posts gets too long!

    Here's a little background: I had my nikkah in 2014 and rukhsati in 2016. My husband lives in Australia and I live in Pakistan. My husband is my first cousin. After Nikkah I applied for my immigration but my parents in law messed up my immigration in the interview call because of which my papers were rejected. They lied to me about messing up the interview call, however later on the embassy released the Rejection letter with all the false statements that my parents in law told them in order to make his son come back to Pakistan and to make us live with them forcefully. (Interview call is a whole new story, in case someone wants to know the details I can reply them in the comments).

    So, my parents were successful in calling back his son to Pakistan, after rukhsati I stayed with my parents in law for a year, it was a disaster. They had issues with everything, issues like what I cook in my own kitchen upstairs, why we deliver food, why we go out, issues with all our plans! They even used to doubt on me and trust the house helpers more than me. Even before calling my husband to Pakistan permanently none of them informed me or my parents. In front of other relatives, my mother in law kept on boasting about how supportive she is for us and how good she is! Also, my father in law lied to my husband that he will give him money for business and will settle him down and will give him rent (obtained from property) on monthly bases too. He did not let my husband settle, didn't give any money for business and did not even let him do job, though towards the end my husband did start the job. He only used to give us less than half the rent he promised. There are many many such incidents which made our lives a hell. My husband and I are an amazing couple who ONLY fights because of issues created by my husband's parents. I never answer backed my parents in law, even they agree that they were at fault and I never misbehaved with them.

    So finally after almost a year, I did Istikhara and sent my husband back to Australia and I came back to my parents place to continue my studies. Now I am almost done with my studies and my husband wants to come back, instead of applying for my immigration, because his parents are putting pressure on him. They keep on messaging him how unwell they are. Please note that my mother in law's mother in law is also alive (my husband's grandmother), my parents in law do not take care of her and they do not even visit her. My parent's in law are too concerned about their own old age but not about their mother who's even older than them. My parents in law have a habit of emotionally blackmailing their children and my husband being the youngest one always falls in their trap.

    My husband says he needs to come back for sake of his parents. I have become a depression patient, I have changed as a person over the last two years because of these issues. I have become short tempered, anxious cry baby and what not! I used to be really calm and fun loving person. Before I got engaged, my father clearly told my parents in law that he is accepting this proposal because my husband is settled in Australia (my mother in law is my father's sister, my father knows her bad nature but he loves her children as they are different from their parents). Now my parents in law are again making false promises to convince my husband to come back.

    My husband and I need to start our family, we need to get a place and settle down, we can nkt keeping wasting our time like this. In Pakistan cost of living is too high and we can not afford a separate place and I can not survive in joint family either. Do you think what my husband is doing is justified? I have been in a long distance relationship since 17 months approximately, we met in Thailand in January (us meeting in Thailand pissed my parents in law so much that they dont talk to me anymore). I have been away for this long from my husband hoping to apply for immigration once we have enough money. Now that I had to apply, my parent's in law are creating lots of hurdles. My parent's in law are not that old yet but they still keep whining about their health. I am a God fearing lady, my parents are getting old too, I am afraid of Karma so please don't think i am ONLY telling my own side of the story.

    Can you all please suggest what should I do? Pakistan is not an option for us because of the expenses. And we have already tested my parent's in law so many times but it's useless. I know my husband has to take care of his parent's too, which he already does by sending them money and doing their small tasks even by sitting in Australia. While my husband's brother, who is also in Australia does not fulfill even a single duty of his parents. In light of Islam, please guide us. Our relationship has been struggling a lot in last 2 to 3 months, since the day my husband has started forcing me to settle in Pakistan. Our relationship was never this weak as it is now. Even though we both love each other madly, I have still started considering divorce as an option. This stress is way too much to handle.

    P.s My own sister in law (my husbands sister), who dearly loves her parents, suggests me to go to Australia because she knows her parent's nature too.Back to Top

  • #2
    I don't recommend settling in a non-muslim country. You didn't tell how Australia will help your husband pay expenses, if you can't afford to stay in Pakistan.

    "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

    Comment


    • #3
      First, you and your husband need to be on the same page. Once you've come to an agreement then do what is best for both of you. Isn't there any other relative you can live with? What about his grandmother, why can't you go live with her?

      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by notEVOLVED View Post
        I don't recommend settling in a non-muslim country. You didn't tell how Australia will help your husband pay expenses, if you can't afford to stay in Pakistan.
        In Australia you can earn with odd jobs too, like working in a store or driving a cab etc. Also, Australia being a non muslim country is not of our concern as long as we are muslims and know our boundaries.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by shay5 View Post
          First, you and your husband need to be on the same page. Once you've come to an agreement then do what is best for both of you. Isn't there any other relative you can live with? What about his grandmother, why can't you go live with her?
          His grandmother lives with her daughter (my father in laws sister) so that's not an option. Also, it's very easy to say someone to live with a relative, people are not that welcoming here in out families. Plus they judge a lot too.

          Comment


          • #6


            My husband says he needs to come back for sake of his parents ......... since the day my husband has started forcing me to settle in Pakistan
            It seems like your husband has made his decision. You're going to have to accept it. Tell him if he is planning on moving back then he needs to have a plan.

            (my mother in law is my father's sister
            So why can't your husband move in with your family until he is financially stable? Don't you have seperate quarters in your family home?

            Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by shay5 View Post



              It seems like your husband has made his decision. You're going to have to accept it. Tell him if he is planning on moving back then he needs to have a plan.



              So why can't your husband move in with your family until he is financially stable? Don't you have seperate quarters in your family home?
              He made this decision 2yrs back too and both of us suffered from it. My parents house is small and there are no extra bedrooms as two of my unmarried sisters live their too. Anyways thanks. I was hoping for something more helpful here. I fail to understand why it's okay for the parents to be unreasonable and unfair but for the wife, all rules are different.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Shumaila View Post
                Assalam o Alaikum everyone!

                I am in lots of stress from the day since i got married. I need help from you guys. Sorry if the posts gets too long!

                Here's a little background: I had my nikkah in 2014 and rukhsati in 2016. My husband lives in Australia and I live in Pakistan. My husband is my first cousin. After Nikkah I applied for my immigration but my parents in law messed up my immigration in the interview call because of which my papers were rejected. They lied to me about messing up the interview call, however later on the embassy released the Rejection letter with all the false statements that my parents in law told them in order to make his son come back to Pakistan and to make us live with them forcefully. (Interview call is a whole new story, in case someone wants to know the details I can reply them in the comments).

                So, my parents were successful in calling back his son to Pakistan, after rukhsati I stayed with my parents in law for a year, it was a disaster. They had issues with everything, issues like what I cook in my own kitchen upstairs, why we deliver food, why we go out, issues with all our plans! They even used to doubt on me and trust the house helpers more than me. Even before calling my husband to Pakistan permanently none of them informed me or my parents. In front of other relatives, my mother in law kept on boasting about how supportive she is for us and how good she is! Also, my father in law lied to my husband that he will give him money for business and will settle him down and will give him rent (obtained from property) on monthly bases too. He did not let my husband settle, didn't give any money for business and did not even let him do job, though towards the end my husband did start the job. He only used to give us less than half the rent he promised. There are many many such incidents which made our lives a hell. My husband and I are an amazing couple who ONLY fights because of issues created by my husband's parents. I never answer backed my parents in law, even they agree that they were at fault and I never misbehaved with them.

                So finally after almost a year, I did Istikhara and sent my husband back to Australia and I came back to my parents place to continue my studies. Now I am almost done with my studies and my husband wants to come back, instead of applying for my immigration, because his parents are putting pressure on him. They keep on messaging him how unwell they are. Please note that my mother in law's mother in law is also alive (my husband's grandmother), my parents in law do not take care of her and they do not even visit her. My parent's in law are too concerned about their own old age but not about their mother who's even older than them. My parents in law have a habit of emotionally blackmailing their children and my husband being the youngest one always falls in their trap.

                My husband says he needs to come back for sake of his parents. I have become a depression patient, I have changed as a person over the last two years because of these issues. I have become short tempered, anxious cry baby and what not! I used to be really calm and fun loving person. Before I got engaged, my father clearly told my parents in law that he is accepting this proposal because my husband is settled in Australia (my mother in law is my father's sister, my father knows her bad nature but he loves her children as they are different from their parents). Now my parents in law are again making false promises to convince my husband to come back.

                My husband and I need to start our family, we need to get a place and settle down, we can nkt keeping wasting our time like this. In Pakistan cost of living is too high and we can not afford a separate place and I can not survive in joint family either. Do you think what my husband is doing is justified? I have been in a long distance relationship since 17 months approximately, we met in Thailand in January (us meeting in Thailand pissed my parents in law so much that they dont talk to me anymore). I have been away for this long from my husband hoping to apply for immigration once we have enough money. Now that I had to apply, my parent's in law are creating lots of hurdles. My parent's in law are not that old yet but they still keep whining about their health. I am a God fearing lady, my parents are getting old too, I am afraid of Karma so please don't think i am ONLY telling my own side of the story.

                Can you all please suggest what should I do? Pakistan is not an option for us because of the expenses. And we have already tested my parent's in law so many times but it's useless. I know my husband has to take care of his parent's too, which he already does by sending them money and doing their small tasks even by sitting in Australia. While my husband's brother, who is also in Australia does not fulfill even a single duty of his parents. In light of Islam, please guide us. Our relationship has been struggling a lot in last 2 to 3 months, since the day my husband has started forcing me to settle in Pakistan. Our relationship was never this weak as it is now. Even though we both love each other madly, I have still started considering divorce as an option. This stress is way too much to handle.

                P.s My own sister in law (my husbands sister), who dearly loves her parents, suggests me to go to Australia because she knows her parent's nature too.Back to Top
                You have a seperate kitchen so I am under the impression you have seperate quarters but near your inlaws or next to theirs.

                Did your father expect your husband to cut off ties with his mother? If your dad knew what his sister is like then he should have thought carefully instead of just hoping you will settle in Australia.

                Why don't you and your husband rent or buy elsewhere. It is still going to be far cheaper than Australia.

                You may not like this but it sounds like you and your parents just want to get you to Australia. So what if your husband has decided to come back to Pakistan and look after his parents. You should support him in his decision. Like I said before you don't have to live in their house.

                The cost in Pakistan is not as expensive as it is in Australia. You wont have some of the same privilages as you would in Australia. So many people are living in Pakistan and they manage.

                Noone can force anyone to do anything they do not want to. If you were to stay in Pakistan then your husband probably would not have as much to give to his parents but then they should understand that and they cannot forcefully take money of him.

                Seeing as you are educated you could work from home too. Tuition is a big thing in Pakistan, you could tutor girls. Use the money to help with rent and live somewhere away from his parents until your husbands circumstances improve.

                Both you and your husband should read up on rights and responsibilities of husband and wife.


                Last edited by Mintchocchip; 24-03-19, 05:24 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Shumaila View Post

                  He made this decision 2yrs back too and both of us suffered from it. My parents house is small and there are no extra bedrooms as two of my unmarried sisters live their too. Anyways thanks. I was hoping for something more helpful here. I fail to understand why it's okay for the parents to be unreasonable and unfair but for the wife, all rules are different.
                  Sorry sister but what kind of solution were you looking for?

                  You were asking for an islamic answer. Your husband has to provide you shelter, food etc If he is able to do that in Pakistan then I don't see what the issue is. “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

                  Make dua and pray istikhara, if it's in your fate to stay in Pakistan then you will have to accept that. If your father gave you to his nephew for marriage solely on the basis you would go to Australia then that is sad...
                  Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mintchocchip View Post

                    You have a seperate kitchen so I am under the impression you have seperate quarters but near your inlaws or next to theirs.

                    Did your father expect your husband to cut off ties with his mother? If your dad knew what his sister is like then he should have thought carefully instead of just hoping you will settle in Australia.

                    Why don't you and your husband rent or buy elsewhere. It is still going to be far cheaper than Australia.

                    You may not like this but it sounds like you and your parents just want to get you to Australia. So what if your husband has decided to come back to Pakistan and look after his parents. You should support him in his decision. Like I said before you don't have to live in their house.

                    The cost in Pakistan is not as expensive as it is in Australia. You wont have some of the same privilages as you would in Australia. So many people are living in Pakistan and they manage.

                    Noone can force anyone to do anything they do not want to. If you were to stay in Pakistan then your husband probably would not have as much to give to his parents but then they should understand that and they cannot forcefully take money of him.

                    Seeing as you are educated you could work from home too. Tuition is a big thing in Pakistan, you could tutor girls. Use the money to help with rent and live somewhere away from his parents until your husbands circumstances improve.

                    Both you and your husband should read up on rights and responsibilities of husband and wife.

                    My husband used to earn 30k in Pakistan, every month for a 12hr shift that he did for a few months. His father didn't even let him find a job, I forced him to start working. Do you even know rents in Pakistan even for one room studios? While in Australia he drives a cab and is able to afford everything as well as he saves money and send to his parents too. So as far as expenses are concerned, I have already did all the calculations. Even engineers here dont get more than 25k. :)) Basic economics here, you should compare the average earning and inflation rate here in Pakistan as well as Australia.

                    Yes my parents in laws house has 2 portions, we have lived there but they still did all of that I mentioned in my post. Even though I had a separate kitchen she had the keys to my room and kitchen. She would check whats in my fridge or why we delivered food etc. She didnt even let me take controlof the two rooms that I had!

                    I have asked my brother in law to take his parents to australia, so I can live here in Pakistan. My aim is not to move to australia, my aim is to live peacefully without them! My mother in law makes amulets (taweez) and she keeps on medling in our lives in odd ways. I didnt want to mention this but I guess you still wont understand.

                    Everything my father said was because he wanted me to live far away from his sister and brother in law. My father tried to make us settle here in Pakistan too but my father in law refused to give money to my husband for business so that didn't work either. My father even tried to get my husband a job but his parents couldnt digest the fact that their son would move to another city. Anything else you would like to know? I can share many more stories. :)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by shay5 View Post

                      Sorry sister but what kind of solution were you looking for?

                      You were asking for an islamic answer. Your husband has to provide you shelter, food etc If he is able to do that in Pakistan then I don't see what the issue is. “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

                      Make dua and pray istikhara, if it's in your fate to stay in Pakistan then you will have to accept that. If your father gave you to his nephew for marriage solely on the basis you would go to Australia then that is sad...


                      when did I say he solely got me married so I could go to Australia? It was one of the factors that contributed to making the decisions that I would live away from my parents in law as my father knows his sister too well so he thought that since his nephew is a good person, he will be a good husband and because he lives in another country, it would keep me away from his sister too. My husband has 2 more siblings, even they realise how much pain their parents give to others. I have the sweetest sister in law, even she is forcing my husband to not to live here in Pakistan.

                      I did istikhara before sending my husband to Australia. I think I did mention that in my post too. My decision was purely based on istikhata.

                      and as far as Islamic response is concerned, I was asking about how one should balance parents when they are wrong?

                      My father in law is a rich man, has lots of property, but doesn't let his children settle down somewhere using that property. That's the entire issue.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        So what you guys mean is that I should rather spend a below average life here with interference, zero peace and lack of resources than to move to another country and live peachfully alone with my husband where both of us can earn well even with odd jobs?

                        And we should compromise just because my husband's parent's can't lose control of their son? While sitting in another country at least my husband earns enough to send money to his parents too but living here, he cant even earn enough as well as he will constantly be exploited and used as an unpaid servant, who wont be allowed to work on his own and will not be given any amount for investment either. Being a wife, I don't deserve peace and I have no say even if my inlaws put false accusations on me or whatever. :)

                        I should rather wear amulets made by my mother in law and with patience bear all the slanders and taunts. Doesn't matter if my health deteriorates eating Prozac and sleeping pills for my peace of mind.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          If all what you have said is true then your father and husband are at fault.

                          Again advise you and your husband to read about what Islam says about marriage and husband and wife rights/responsibilities (Islam mein miya biwi k haqooq).

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Well, what your in-laws are doing is wrong and the solution that you propose is also wrong. It is a major sin to create tension between husband and wife. Also, it is a wife's right to be provided a separate house only for her comfort.

                            https://islamqa.info/en/answers/6388...his-wifes-life

                            There are many, many fatwas out there.

                            But to provide a solution for your specific problem, you have to personally contact knowledgeable scholar

                            "And behold! ye come to us bare and alone as We created you for the first time: ye have left behind you all which We bestowed on you..." - Al-An'am:94

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Desi families are experts in emotionally blackmailing and manipulating their adult kids and ruining their marriages by unnecessary drama. It's clear your parents in-law are just trying to control your lives.

                              I can totally understand why you feel the need to move far away from them. Even if you both were to stay in Pakistan, they will constantly interfere in your lives, guilt you into becoming their full time maid and cause you further mental health issues. You will not have a day of sukoon.

                              You should have a frank heart to heart talk with your husband. Understand that it is not easy for him to be sandwiched in this unfortunate situation. Explain your circumstances to him calmly. Get him to somehow convince his parents that he cannot be back immediately, but will try his best, perhaps a couple of years later. They can only mentally pressure him, not physically drag him out of the country without his will.

                              In our societies, the girl is told to just "have sabr" no matter how dire the situation is. People don't realise how desperately the girl is breaking down inside and what effect stress has on her well-being. A lot of women in psychiatric hospitals are psychic because their in-laws have made them crazy in the first place.

                              Do not even think of divorce at this point of time. There's no issue between you and your husband, the only problem is outside interference. So, fight tooth and nail for your marriage. Only Shaitan becomes happy at the destruction of a marriage

                              I pray that Allah makes the situation easy for you. Wake up in the 3rd portion of the night and pray to Allah to relieve you from your hardships. You're a mazloom, so know that there is no barrier between your duas and Allah Ta'ala. Dua works miracles when everything else fails.

                              Worrying is not going to change your situation in the slightest, but praying will. So, keep the faith and begin praying.

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