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  • Wife refuses intercourse

    I haven't had intercourse with my wife for 2 months. She states that I need to fulfill her desires first (getting a job, fixing my health, being more nice to her). I am working on my education but I am actively look for work now. I have been working on my health and I do not have any major health issues just am overweight. I have been nice to her but she just asks a lot from me. I pay all the bills even though my financial situation because of my lack of a job is strained. I never have asked her to pitch in. We were separated for a while but now we are back together. She said she wants to wait until I fulfill her desires and then she will "think" about having intercourse or being affectionate. I am so sick of her; I want to leave her but I want to be more stable financially and mentally when I do. Right now I am working on become that way so when the time comes I can leave more easily.
    My question is: if she is withholding intercourse, does she have a right to do so based off the scenario mentioned above? She always acts like she is religious but she only picks and chooses whatever suits her way of life (ie: backbiting, wearing heavy makeup or leaving me for many days to visit her parents).

  • #2
    If you are providing for her and you are a practicing Muslim then she doesn't have an excuse not to fulfill your rights. Being nice and what is deemed overweight is subjective.
    "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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    • #3
      Originally posted by mm1000 View Post
      I I never have asked her to pitch in. .
      Why should you? You're the man, you should be providing for your wife. She sounds like she is not attracted to you.

      Be nice to her but also tell her that it is haram. Tell her you care about her and don't want her to sin by refusing.

      Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses [and does not come], and he spends the night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’”

      (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4794; the additional phrase quoted in square brackets is from Abu Dawood, al-Sunan, Kitaab al-Nikaah, Bab haqq al-zawj ‘ala’l-mar’ah).
      Ibn Khuzaymah and Ibn Hibbaan report a hadeeth narrated by Jaabir: “There are three whose prayers will not be accepted and none of whose good deeds will ascend to heaven: a runaway slave, until he returns to his master; a drunken man until he becomes sober; and a woman with whom her husband is angry, until he is pleased with her.” These are general terms, which include both night and day.
      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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      • #4
        Hate to be blunt, but perhaps your weight is the biggest issue.

        Not that she is justified in what she's doing, because she for sure isn't. But take care of the health issues first.

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        • #5
          She seems like an entitled woman. How did you meet her .... marry her while you still have to complete your education.
          Try an overly please your wife and you come off as a dormat. Your wife doesnt respect your wishes. Why should you respect hers. She isnt attracted to you because you dont stand your ground but instead try to fullfill her "wishes".
          . Seems like a very ungrateful woman, disrespectful woman who is using intercourse as a manipulation tool. Grow a spine mate. You need to tell her that withholding sex isnt working for you. You waited all your life and not had sexual intercourse and then married her so you could channel your desires. And now she refuses. Its very cruel, abusive and torturous.
          . Your wife cannot place conditions on sex like only if u make so and so dollars then ill have intercourse. Intercourse is a natural biological urge. It tells me that she isnt attracted to you. Even if you earn all the money she expects ... she wont respect you for not standing up for yourself.

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          • #6
            Also did u grow overweight recently or u were already overweight before marriage.?

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            • #7
              If you are overweight then you need to tell her clearly that you are working on it and you should start working on it. Meanwhile she has absolutely no excuse to refuse intimacy while you are working on your weight. Be a man and tell her the Islamic Obligations. This is agreed upon among Mufassirin that if a woman withholds intimacy without a valid excuse then it is a form of Nushuz and the verse 4:34 recommends the steps that you should take. Which are 1) advise her. 2) admonish her or lightly hit her(if you live in muslim country) and 3) Totally separate from her without giving the divorce 4) Involve third parties to give last chance to reconciliation 5) give sunnah divorce.

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              • #8
                why even contemplate asking her to 'pitch in'? thats YOUR job and your job alone. even if she was a millionaire and you were unemployed its still YOUR JOB to provide for her

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                • #9
                  no, it's not good enough, if she gained weight and you did the same to her it would be unacceptable and of course she would feel rejected

                  If you have spoken to your wife about this and explained how it is creating problems in the marriage (i'm sure you have, that's why you're probably posting here) and she hasn't taken any consideration to change, you must involve a third party immediately now

                  It's been two months, it'll become two years if you don't take action right away. The wife has to understand that she is in the wrong here and she is responsible for letting her marriage down.

                  in the meantime, pray isthikaara and keep your behaviour in check (keep the peace and respect while you're living with her) so that she has nothing to complain about, even if she does make something up, that's on her.



                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Palpay View Post
                    why even contemplate asking her to 'pitch in'? thats YOUR job and your job alone. even if she was a millionaire and you were unemployed its still YOUR JOB to provide for her
                    many muslims don't know that it is the husband's job to provide and only he can give his wife permission to work

                    because they live in a secular environment their mentality is mixed up
                    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

                      many muslims don't know that it is the husband's job to provide and only he can give his wife permission to work

                      because they live in a secular environment their mentality is mixed up
                      thats shocking, thats like one of the main things i assumed all muslims know.

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                      • #12
                        You have to make an effort to look good for your spouse, so why not go gym after work brother?

                        Tell her that you can change, also I agree with a third party maybe not family though, maybe a marriage counsellor because people do gossip and family members can be biased.
                        وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِن صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ - 31:19

                        And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys."


                        أَلَمْ تَرَوْا أَنَّ اللَّهَ سَخَّرَ لَكُم مَّا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَأَسْبَغَ عَلَيْكُمْ نِعَمَهُ ظَاهِرَةً وَبَاطِنَةً ۗ وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يُجَادِلُ فِي اللَّهِ بِغَيْرِ عِلْمٍ وَلَا هُدًى وَلَا كِتَابٍ مُّنِيرٍ - 31:20

                        Do you not see that Allah has made subject to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is in the earth and amply bestowed upon you His favors, [both] apparent and unapparent? But of the people is he who disputes about Allah without knowledge or guidance or an enlightening Book [from Him].


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                        • #13
                          Lets say he does go to the gym and gets fit. Do you think his wife will be all of a sudden "oh now i find you attractive".
                          so anytime in this brothers life lets say he faces a trial or tribulation. His wife will withdraw from him??

                          Of course i would advise you to goto the gym and do your best with regard to your financial status but the problem is more deep rooted. Talk to a marriage counsellor.

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                          • #14
                            None of our business.

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