Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Divorced guy with two kids proposal

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Divorced guy with two kids proposal

    I am confused. I need some advice regarding a proposal I received. I am a Muslimah of 31 of age. I am religious I keep away from haram things, pray, do fasting etc. I also have a good stable work Alhamdulilah. I receive in general a lot of proposal but none of them worked out. I never got married hence. Most proposals are from divorced guys with a broken heart. People who are not yet stable or have a job to sustain a family so they expect me to be the man. Or I know their shady past or bad habits that I canít tolerate such as watching porn, talking to random womenís eating haram, drinking, smoking, etc. This man is a relative of past highschool friend that Iím still in touch with from a group chat of oldgraduates. He approached me and asked to get to know me better online. I was reluctant at first but decided to see what he had to say about himself. Turns out he his divorced with two kids. He rarely see his kids. His ex-wife has full custody of them and doesnít like sending them with him mostly his youngest. Now, when I asked what went wrong in his marriage. He told me that it didnít start well from the beginning. Their respective family didnít like each other but he was in love with her and married her anyways. He says she abused him financially etc and on other aspects. He is a hafiz of Quran. His dad sent him to a boarding school since 4 to become an imam one day. He said he got abused their and came back messed up. Started doing drugs, smoking, alcohol name it and hangs out with the wrong crowed. He then wanted to change his life around and repented and came clean. He wanted to settle down and build a family and thatís when he met his ex. His sibling claims the same thing that he went through a lot. When I met her she seems completely disconnected with him. Like they are strangers yet not. I felt confused. He claims to be religious and prays and does everything. When I heard he smoked I told him Iím not interested in smokers. He then showed me he would stop smoking immediately. Which he seems to have kept his promise but I donít have eyes and ears behind my back to check if itís really true. Financially he is acting like he doesnít know how to budget his life or how much he wants to spend on a wedding. He keeps saying will talk about it more later on. For someone who claims to have been married for a long time, he seems to not know what he wants. He mostly agrees to everything I say which I find odd. He also has a debt and money he owns. I told him Iím not marrying someone with debt. So he promised to finish it in a year and then get married to me. My family doesnít agree that this guy wants to keep seeing me if he plans on setting himself in a year. They find it completely bogus all his stories. His parents already send me gifts which I find even more odd. I mean no one does that in just a month. He also told me he would like it if I shared the bills with him when we move in together after marriage. To which I said no, he told me itís not a problem he wonít force me. Am I right to feel that despite this guy changing his statement to make me feel better he is not right?

  • #2
    Why are you even considering him?

    You didnt mention any positives about this guy.

    He seems very sketchy based on what you wrote.

    Comment


    • #3
      dont marry him
      too many red flags

      Comment


      • #4
        What are you confused about? Just read back what you typed and and think what advice would you give to someone else if they asked you the same.

        Comment


        • #5
          Run for the hills on this one.
          "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Musbah View Post
            Run for the hills on this one.
            With him? Like a honeymoon in the mountains? So romantic!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Small fluff View Post
              I am confused. I need some advice regarding a proposal I received. I am a Muslimah of 31 of age. I am religious I keep away from haram things, pray, do fasting etc. I also have a good stable work Alhamdulilah. I receive in general a lot of proposal but none of them worked out. I never got married hence. Most proposals are from divorced guys with a broken heart. People who are not yet stable or have a job to sustain a family so they expect me to be the man. Or I know their shady past or bad habits that I canít tolerate such as watching porn, talking to random womenís eating haram, drinking, smoking, etc. This man is a relative of past highschool friend that Iím still in touch with from a group chat of oldgraduates. He approached me and asked to get to know me better online. I was reluctant at first but decided to see what he had to say about himself. Turns out he his divorced with two kids. He rarely see his kids. His ex-wife has full custody of them and doesnít like sending them with him mostly his youngest. Now, when I asked what went wrong in his marriage. He told me that it didnít start well from the beginning. Their respective family didnít like each other but he was in love with her and married her anyways. He says she abused him financially etc and on other aspects. He is a hafiz of Quran. His dad sent him to a boarding school since 4 to become an imam one day. He said he got abused their and came back messed up. Started doing drugs, smoking, alcohol name it and hangs out with the wrong crowed. He then wanted to change his life around and repented and came clean. He wanted to settle down and build a family and thatís when he met his ex. His sibling claims the same thing that he went through a lot. When I met her she seems completely disconnected with him. Like they are strangers yet not. I felt confused. He claims to be religious and prays and does everything. When I heard he smoked I told him Iím not interested in smokers. He then showed me he would stop smoking immediately. Which he seems to have kept his promise but I donít have eyes and ears behind my back to check if itís really true. Financially he is acting like he doesnít know how to budget his life or how much he wants to spend on a wedding. He keeps saying will talk about it more later on. For someone who claims to have been married for a long time, he seems to not know what he wants. He mostly agrees to everything I say which I find odd. He also has a debt and money he owns. I told him Iím not marrying someone with debt. So he promised to finish it in a year and then get married to me. My family doesnít agree that this guy wants to keep seeing me if he plans on setting himself in a year. They find it completely bogus all his stories. His parents already send me gifts which I find even more odd. I mean no one does that in just a month. He also told me he would like it if I shared the bills with him when we move in together after marriage. To which I said no, he told me itís not a problem he wonít force me. Am I right to feel that despite this guy changing his statement to make me feel better he is not right?
              Expect you to be the man?

              That rings alarm Bells, its a mans responsibility to financially support the family, not the other way round.

              Ukthi this story has multiple issues.

              Look for a pious husband who doesn't have baggage and who you have no doubts about his character or deen.

              جزاك الله خيرا
              Last edited by Saif-Uddin; 13-03-19, 06:11 PM.
              http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

              "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

              Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by aelmo View Post
                Why are you even considering him?

                You didnt mention any positives about this guy.

                He seems very sketchy based on what you wrote.
                Yeah, way too many red flags.
                http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Musbah View Post
                  Run for the hills on this one.
                  Lol,

                  جزاك الله خيرا
                  http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                  "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                  Ė Imam al-Shafiíi (Rahimahullah)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Lol nah. You can do better.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I am religious I keep away from haram things, pray, do fasting etc. I also have a good stable work Alhamdulila
                      So why are you deciding to settle for much less?
                      Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Although everyone is saying no, there's a reason you must be considering it. Pray istakhara and give it some time to see how it goes. It doesn't seem like a good match, but why else would you be considering it enough to type out such a long message online for advice?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I was considering it because he showed his religious side to my family and he also conducted Tarawhee prayers at the mosque last year during Ramadan, since his a Quran-e-Hafiz. I did Ishtikarah and my mom did it to. We got a negative answer and a sense of uneasiness so we backed out from the proposal. He was really upset at me. He told me something along the line ďI thought you liked me and would convince your family and talk to themĒ. ďIím confusedĒ I ignored him and blocked him so he doesnít contact me again.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Small fluff View Post
                            I was considering it because he showed his religious side to my family and he also conducted Tarawhee prayers at the mosque last year during Ramadan, since his a Quran-e-Hafiz. I did Ishtikarah and my mom did it to. We got a negative answer and a sense of uneasiness so we backed out from the proposal. He was really upset at me. He told me something along the line ďI thought you liked me and would convince your family and talk to themĒ. ďIím confusedĒ I ignored him and blocked him so he doesnít contact me again.
                            It's probably for the best.

                            And just because someone is a hafiz of the Quran and knows how to lead a prayer it doesn't mean that they are pious. You need to look at their actions to see if they are actually religious or if they are just talk.

                            May Allah give you a good religious husband soon.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Small fluff View Post
                              I am confused. I need some advice regarding a proposal I received. I am a Muslimah of 31 of age. I am religious I keep away from haram things, pray, do fasting etc. I also have a good stable work Alhamdulilah. I receive in general a lot of proposal but none of them worked out. I never got married hence. Most proposals are from divorced guys with a broken heart. People who are not yet stable or have a job to sustain a family so they expect me to be the man. Or I know their shady past or bad habits that I canít tolerate such as watching porn, talking to random womenís eating haram, drinking, smoking, etc. This man is a relative of past highschool friend that Iím still in touch with from a group chat of oldgraduates. He approached me and asked to get to know me better online. I was reluctant at first but decided to see what he had to say about himself. Turns out he his divorced with two kids. He rarely see his kids. His ex-wife has full custody of them and doesnít like sending them with him mostly his youngest. Now, when I asked what went wrong in his marriage. He told me that it didnít start well from the beginning. Their respective family didnít like each other but he was in love with her and married her anyways. He says she abused him financially etc and on other aspects. He is a hafiz of Quran. His dad sent him to a boarding school since 4 to become an imam one day. He said he got abused their and came back messed up. Started doing drugs, smoking, alcohol name it and hangs out with the wrong crowed. He then wanted to change his life around and repented and came clean. He wanted to settle down and build a family and thatís when he met his ex. His sibling claims the same thing that he went through a lot. When I met her she seems completely disconnected with him. Like they are strangers yet not. I felt confused. He claims to be religious and prays and does everything. When I heard he smoked I told him Iím not interested in smokers. He then showed me he would stop smoking immediately. Which he seems to have kept his promise but I donít have eyes and ears behind my back to check if itís really true. Financially he is acting like he doesnít know how to budget his life or how much he wants to spend on a wedding. He keeps saying will talk about it more later on. For someone who claims to have been married for a long time, he seems to not know what he wants. He mostly agrees to everything I say which I find odd. He also has a debt and money he owns. I told him Iím not marrying someone with debt. So he promised to finish it in a year and then get married to me. My family doesnít agree that this guy wants to keep seeing me if he plans on setting himself in a year. They find it completely bogus all his stories. His parents already send me gifts which I find even more odd. I mean no one does that in just a month. He also told me he would like it if I shared the bills with him when we move in together after marriage. To which I said no, he told me itís not a problem he wonít force me. Am I right to feel that despite this guy changing his statement to make me feel better he is not right?
                              Sis, I understand you may feel pressure to marry asap due to age (speaking as a 30 year old singleton myself) but this guy sounds like a liability. Getting married is the easy part, but whats life gonna be like with this guy? Imagine the anger, stress if you have a child with him and he doesn't pull his weight. No offence sis, im sure you're special in your own way but its rare that a man will completely change his ways for a woman. If he was gonna make ALL these changes; he would've made them for himself first and THEN made himself available for marriage. This guy needs to sort himself out before bringing someone down with him.

                              Saying all this, I have nothing against building with a man. So when he says help him out with half of the bills etc. Its not the worst thing in the world if he's actually doing his best (especially in an expensive city like London for e.g) but this dude sounds like he hasn't got himself together at all. But then look at all the struggling immigrant men that brought their wives over and provided for them like real men and never made their wives work. This is the sunnah afterall.

                              Also, as a woman, usually (not all the time) but usually if a woman isn't letting you see your kids, something is off. Way off.

                              I get sucked in with these type of guys sometimes too (because there is an abundance of them) thinking might aswell, getting old etc. But i really believe life is good as a single, independant, stress free woman than being a struggling married mum with a headache of a husband.

                              Sorry for the long winded reply, just really felt you on this post. Sis maybe pray istikhara inshallah, may Allah give you what is best for you ameen x

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X