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  • #16
    Originally posted by Small fluff View Post
    I was considering it because he showed his religious side to my family and he also conducted Tarawhee prayers at the mosque last year during Ramadan, since his a Quran-e-Hafiz. I did Ishtikarah and my mom did it to. We got a negative answer and a sense of uneasiness so we backed out from the proposal. He was really upset at me. He told me something along the line ďI thought you liked me and would convince your family and talk to themĒ. ďIím confusedĒ I ignored him and blocked him so he doesnít contact me again.
    Good. He didn't have his affairs in order. No effort to see his children, in debt, wanted you to pay half the bills.
    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

    Comment


    • #17
      Normally, he is'nt the best. But to be honest, if you are 31 then you need to look around and see if you can find a better match. If you cannot then dont loose the "least decent" option in hope of getting the perfect match since the clock is against you.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by Small fluff View Post
        I am confused. I need some advice regarding a proposal I received. I am a Muslimah of 31 of age. I am religious I keep away from haram things, pray, do fasting etc. I also have a good stable work Alhamdulilah. I receive in general a lot of proposal but none of them worked out. I never got married hence. Most proposals are from divorced guys with a broken heart. People who are not yet stable or have a job to sustain a family so they expect me to be the man.
        Sister you have another thread where you are bashing polygamy. Think rationally for a moment. The pool of decent muslim men is less, if those muslim men practiced polygamy fairly then women like you would have no shortage of decent proposals even at the age of 31. There is no solution for this marriage crisis in our community except that good capable decent men practice polygamy fairly.

        So you are 31 as you go older, you will realize that men with same age as you and same iman and everything are not interested. They have more options to choose from. So you will only get proposals of men lower than your own caliber. This is something against the spirit of Islam. Islam wants that women are married among compatible or higher caliber men so that they look upto them and see them as Qawwaam. Thats why Islam wants men to practice polygamy fairly so that women find it easier to marry among "kufu"(compatible or better). If anytime you are sure about someone who is practicing, honest and fair then becoming his second wife is better than settling for someone of lower caliber.

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        • #19
          You're completely right, he sounds incredibly sketchy

          his family backing up his story is not exactly uncommon with families, several of my own friends/cousins have a past yet their parents and siblings always paint them out to be completely perfect muslims. always go with your gut feeling sister, its rarely wrong. and please don't settle for him just because you are 31. much better to marry late than marry quick and then end up a divorced woman. the fact that he even asked you to share bills with him... smh what sort of hafiz says such a thing??

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          • #20
            Originally posted by savo234 View Post

            Sister you have another thread where you are bashing polygamy. Think rationally for a moment. The pool of decent muslim men is less, if those muslim men practiced polygamy fairly then women like you would have no shortage of decent proposals even at the age of 31. There is no solution for this marriage crisis in our community except that good capable decent men practice polygamy fairly.

            So you are 31 as you go older, you will realize that men with same age as you and same iman and everything are not interested. They have more options to choose from. So you will only get proposals of men lower than your own caliber. This is something against the spirit of Islam. Islam wants that women are married among compatible or higher caliber men so that they look upto them and see them as Qawwaam. Thats why Islam wants men to practice polygamy fairly so that women find it easier to marry among "kufu"(compatible or better). If anytime you are sure about someone who is practicing, honest and fair then becoming his second wife is better than settling for someone of lower caliber.
            Every man that has approached me about polygamy does not seem fit to practice it. They are either....

            1. Not financially capable to suppprt 2 households and they don't seem to even care that much about it, because when I bring up the basic logistical question of accomodation in the initial introduction conversation, I've never got a straight answer. Imagine if i brought these jokers to converse with my dad. This makes me think these men are looking to get their way with women and say adios!

            2. They are keeping it a secret from their family and first wife, which, makes one feel sub-par or/and inadequate. A man that has peace and authority over his household, does not need to keep anything secret.

            3. Polygamy is deemed shameful in western Islamic communities. I know for a fact if i married a married man and told my cousins they would look at me like 'what you couldnt find your own man, you had to steal one?' lol.

            So its not so much the women's resistance to polygamy, it's that unfortunately the calibre of most men seeking polygamy is truly sub par for any woman.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by savo234 View Post

              Sister you have another thread where you are bashing polygamy. Think rationally for a moment. The pool of decent muslim men is less, if those muslim men practiced polygamy fairly then women like you would have no shortage of decent proposals even at the age of 31. There is no solution for this marriage crisis in our community except that good capable decent men practice polygamy fairly.

              So you are 31 as you go older, you will realize that men with same age as you and same iman and everything are not interested. They have more options to choose from. So you will only get proposals of men lower than your own caliber. This is something against the spirit of Islam. Islam wants that women are married among compatible or higher caliber men so that they look upto them and see them as Qawwaam. Thats why Islam wants men to practice polygamy fairly so that women find it easier to marry among "kufu"(compatible or better). If anytime you are sure about someone who is practicing, honest and fair then becoming his second wife is better than settling for someone of lower caliber.
              Euh! I have nothing against polygamy. In our day and age though Menís donít have ďthe ballsĒ to support two families let alone three. Where do you want the other wife and kids to live in a shelter. How will you pay their educations, clothes school field trips, diapers basic needs to more as they grow. How much time will you give to each wives. I see A lot of injustices! I was just stating a truth and good mens who would practice polygamy fairly are rare. Just like finding a good brother in Islam is rare.

              The fact that you point out that as I grow older men the same age as me will no longer be interested in me anymore. I have to say you sound very harsh and condescending. You took it too personal or something!
              I donít really care if they donít want me as I age to be honest. It will only save me from more tears and disappointment.

              If they liked me for my exterior beauty and Iím aging and they are no longer interested it shows their problematic character more than it does mine. Couple of folks in my immediate entourage got married late in life. Almost near their 50ís some 40ís. It had nothing to do with aging but more about peopleís character. I firmly believe in finding a responsible religious person not a clown. Life is too short to be lived with a partner you hate, or who mistreats you and causes you a headache.
              Im actually happily single because Alhamdulilah my affairs are in Allah (swt) hands. When Allah has ordained it Iíll find the perfect man. Maybe itís even in paradise as a gift who knows really!!

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Khamsa_khmis View Post

                Every man that has approached me about polygamy does not seem fit to practice it. They are either....

                1. Not financially capable to suppprt 2 households and they don't seem to even care that much about it, because when I bring up the basic logistical question of accomodation in the initial introduction conversation, I've never got a straight answer. Imagine if i brought these jokers to converse with my dad. This makes me think these men are looking to get their way with women and say adios!

                2. They are keeping it a secret from their family and first wife, which, makes one feel sub-par or/and inadequate. A man that has peace and authority over his household, does not need to keep anything secret.

                3. Polygamy is deemed shameful in western Islamic communities. I know for a fact if i married a married man and told my cousins they would look at me like 'what you couldnt find your own man, you had to steal one?' lol.

                So its not so much the women's resistance to polygamy, it's that unfortunately the calibre of most men seeking polygamy is truly sub par for any woman.
                I could not have said it better!! Spot on

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by Small fluff View Post

                  Euh! I have nothing against polygamy. In our day and age though Menís donít have ďthe ballsĒ to support two families let alone three. Where do you want the other wife and kids to live in a shelter. How will you pay their educations, clothes school field trips, diapers basic needs to more as they grow. How much time will you give to each wives. I see A lot of injustices! I was just stating a truth and good mens who would practice polygamy fairly are rare. Just like finding a good brother in Islam is rare.

                  The fact that you point out that as I grow older men the same age as me will no longer be interested in me anymore. I have to say you sound very harsh and condescending. You took it too personal or something!
                  I donít really care if they donít want me as I age to be honest. It will only save me from more tears and disappointment.

                  If they liked me for my exterior beauty and Iím aging and they are no longer interested it shows their problematic character more than it does mine. Couple of folks in my immediate entourage got married late in life. Almost near their 50ís some 40ís. It had nothing to do with aging but more about peopleís character. I firmly believe in finding a responsible religious person not a clown. Life is too short to be lived with a partner you hate, or who mistreats you and causes you a headache.
                  Im actually happily single because Alhamdulilah my affairs are in Allah (swt) hands. When Allah has ordained it Iíll find the perfect man. Maybe itís even in paradise as a gift who knows really!!
                  Ditto! Subhanallah the feeling is truly mutual. Allah has our back sis. What is meant to be will be inshallah & alhamdulilah for everything :)

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by savo234 View Post

                    Sister you have another thread where you are bashing polygamy. Think rationally for a moment. The pool of decent muslim men is less, if those muslim men practiced polygamy fairly then women like you would have no shortage of decent proposals even at the age of 31. There is no solution for this marriage crisis in our community except that good capable decent men practice polygamy fairly.

                    So you are 31 as you go older, you will realize that men with same age as you and same iman and everything are not interested. They have more options to choose from. So you will only get proposals of men lower than your own caliber. This is something against the spirit of Islam. Islam wants that women are married among compatible or higher caliber men so that they look upto them and see them as Qawwaam. Thats why Islam wants men to practice polygamy fairly so that women find it easier to marry among "kufu"(compatible or better). If anytime you are sure about someone who is practicing, honest and fair then becoming his second wife is better than settling for someone of lower caliber.
                    Its true what the sister is saying, who are you to say at 31 men will not choose us? Are we not of child bearing age? Do I not keep myself in the gym and eat right and look good for it? Only men with an uncivilised, 3rd world mentality even think like that! Whats a 31 year old man gonna have in common with an 18 year old in this society? I am praying for Allah to give me a man of substance with a good connection inshallah not some empty shell of a perv. I would never even check for a man like that. When i 'briefly' got on a muslim matrimonial site, anytime someone messaged me i would look at their profile and see his age preference. Even if his maximum age preference said 45, if it said the minimum he would marry was 18, wallah I blocked them. Straight turn off. Do you know how many men on that site do not want to talk to women under their age? Plenty! If you dont believe me check it out for yourself, you'll be able to see their age prefences on their profiles (pure matrimony). In fact, wallah billah i got so many messages from younger, practising, never been married before guys that I was weirded out. Handsome guys too mashallah but i am not partial to a younger man subhanallah and never will be (all British might I add, so not passport chasers either).

                    Polygamy is great, if a man would be a man about it. Unfortunately, most aren't capable of such a responsibility. They talk the talk but cant walk the walk.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Khamsa_khmis View Post

                      Its true what the sister is saying, who are you to say at 31 men will not choose us? Are we not of child bearing age? Do I not keep myself in the gym and eat right and look good for it? Only men with an uncivilised, 3rd world mentality even think like that! Whats a 31 year old man gonna have in common with an 18 year old in this society? I am praying for Allah to give me a man of substance with a good connection inshallah not some empty shell of a perv. I would never even check for a man like that. When i 'briefly' got on a muslim matrimonial site, anytime someone messaged me i would look at their profile and see his age preference. Even if his maximum age preference said 45, if it said the minimum he would marry was 18, wallah I blocked them. Straight turn off. Do you know how many men on that site do not want to talk to women under their age? Plenty! If you dont believe me check it out for yourself, you'll be able to see their age prefences on their profiles (pure matrimony). In fact, wallah billah i got so many messages from younger, practising, never been married before guys that I was weirded out. Handsome guys too mashallah but i am not partial to a younger man subhanallah and never will be (all British might I add, so not passport chasers either).

                      Polygamy is great, if a man would be a man about it. Unfortunately, most aren't capable of such a responsibility. They talk the talk but cant walk the walk.
                      You shouldn't settle.

                      But it's a reality that you will be competing with women younger than you--often times much younger than you. And men always prefer younger women; 1st world or 3rd world.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Small fluff View Post

                        Euh! I have nothing against polygamy. In our day and age though Menís donít have ďthe ballsĒ to support two families let alone three. Where do you want the other wife and kids to live in a shelter. How will you pay their educations, clothes school field trips, diapers basic needs to more as they grow. How much time will you give to each wives. I see A lot of injustices! I was just stating a truth and good mens who would practice polygamy fairly are rare. Just like finding a good brother in Islam is rare.

                        The fact that you point out that as I grow older men the same age as me will no longer be interested in me anymore. I have to say you sound very harsh and condescending. You took it too personal or something!
                        I donít really care if they donít want me as I age to be honest. It will only save me from more tears and disappointment.

                        If they liked me for my exterior beauty and Iím aging and they are no longer interested it shows their problematic character more than it does mine. Couple of folks in my immediate entourage got married late in life. Almost near their 50ís some 40ís. It had nothing to do with aging but more about peopleís character. I firmly believe in finding a responsible religious person not a clown. Life is too short to be lived with a partner you hate, or who mistreats you and causes you a headache.
                        Im actually happily single because Alhamdulilah my affairs are in Allah (swt) hands. When Allah has ordained it Iíll find the perfect man. Maybe itís even in paradise as a gift who knows really!!
                        AssalamoAlaikum. Forgive me, if I sound harsh. I surely do not ask you to settle for something less. Infact for some women its okay to remain single instead of marrying junk men. I absolutely agree with you that many men are no longer supporting more families. We must encourage capable muslim men to support women and marry more.

                        As for the issue of aging, there is nothing personal. The fact of the matter is men usually like to marry down(i.e someone at max the same age or younger). Thats why the man at 31 will realistically like to marry a woman in 23-28.

                        I have nothing but good intentions and concern for all my sisters in Islam. The fact of the matter is that if practicing fair capable men of this Ummah do not practice polygamy, the sisters will eventually be the ones suffering. Plus the women must also allow their men to practice polygamy if these men are capable and fair. Jealousy is normal but going totally insane is not okay.

                        This whole system that we have is rigged against muslim women, thats a fact. Everywhere muslim women are struggling to find compatible muslim men.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Khamsa_khmis View Post

                          Its true what the sister is saying, who are you to say at 31 men will not choose us? Are we not of child bearing age? Do I not keep myself in the gym and eat right and look good for it? Only men with an uncivilised, 3rd world mentality even think like that! Whats a 31 year old man gonna have in common with an 18 year old in this society? I am praying for Allah to give me a man of substance with a good connection inshallah not some empty shell of a perv. I would never even check for a man like that. When i 'briefly' got on a muslim matrimonial site, anytime someone messaged me i would look at their profile and see his age preference. Even if his maximum age preference said 45, if it said the minimum he would marry was 18, wallah I blocked them. Straight turn off. Do you know how many men on that site do not want to talk to women under their age? Plenty! If you dont believe me check it out for yourself, you'll be able to see their age prefences on their profiles (pure matrimony). In fact, wallah billah i got so many messages from younger, practising, never been married before guys that I was weirded out. Handsome guys too mashallah but i am not partial to a younger man subhanallah and never will be (all British might I add, so not passport chasers either).

                          Polygamy is great, if a man would be a man about it. Unfortunately, most aren't capable of such a responsibility. They talk the talk but cant walk the walk.
                          Sister I did'nt want to sound harsh. Trust me as a man and ask anyone man on this forum, if he is 31, will he prefer a woman of same age or lesser. This is nature. We are not talking about you as a person. We are talking about men in general. Plus there's nothing perverted about it... Men do like to marry down and lesser age than your own is in general a desirable trait.

                          Dont fall for the so called matrimonial websites, there are plenty of men who are just fishing to hang out with women or just wanna other interests like passport, secret temporary marriages etc.

                          There is no way that majority of men at 31 would not prefer marrying younger women and there is no way that a "HANDSOME NEVER MARRIED YOUNG" man would prefer marrying older woman. Exceptions are always there and they prove the rule.

                          Ask from men around you, men on this forum, muslim men in general as to what are their preferences.. If a man is at 31, he will 90 % of the time like to marry a woman in the bracket of 23-28 and he will easily find such a woman.

                          Polygamy is the solution. That is what will increase the odds in favor of the women. I absolutely agree that many men talk the talk but cant walk the walk. Muslim men must up their game. Absolutely !
                          Last edited by savo234; 16-03-19, 09:17 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                            You shouldn't settle.

                            But it's a reality that you will be competing with women younger than you--often times much younger than you. And men always prefer younger women; 1st world or 3rd world.
                            After all that I wrote and you reply with this brother lol. Speak for yourself. You only represent yourself and your preferences, not every male and may Allah give you what your heart desires, within halal means inshallah. As for me, I compete with no one. What is written for me is mine alhamdulilah (or not). This is a stone age mentality rather you want to admit or not. Thats why there's still an epidemic in Yemen with 70 year olds marrying children. Even the average Kufar Englishman marries someone within his age group that he has a connection and commonalities with, rather than a 'she's young' criteria. Again, the difference between a 3rd world memtality vs a rational, civilised school of thought.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Originally posted by savo234 View Post

                              Sister I did'nt want to sound harsh. Trust me as a man and ask anyone man on this forum, if he is 31, will he prefer a woman of same age or lesser. This is nature. We are not talking about you as a person. We are talking about men in general. Plus there's nothing perverted about it... Men do like to marry down and lesser age than your own is in general a desirable trait.

                              Dont fall for the so called matrimonial websites, there are plenty of men who are just fishing to hang out with women or just wanna other interests like passport, secret temporary marriages etc.

                              There is no way that majority of men at 31 would not prefer marrying younger women and there is no way that a "HANDSOME NEVER MARRIED YOUNG" man would prefer marrying older woman. Exceptions are always there and they prove the rule.

                              Ask from men around you, men on this forum, muslim men in general as to what are their preferences.. If a man is at 31, he will 90 % of the time like to marry a woman in the bracket of 23-28 and he will easily find such a woman.

                              Polygamy is the solution. That is what will increase the odds in favor of the women. I absolutely agree that many men talk the talk but cant walk the walk. Muslim men must up their game. Absolutely !
                              Brother like i said before, I'm totaly with you on the polygamy, what a great benefit for the ummah if people went about it the right way. As you've agreed, unfortunately most men do not operate in the best manner or with the best nia.

                              Brother, normal human nature is for a man to want a woman younger than him and vice versa. I for one would only marry a significantly older man (ideally 38-42) as this is my personal preference. There are women who prefer a man there age or younger. There are men that like older women. Again, personal preferences. I was just trying to explain to you my point that as a 30 year old woman, polygamy isn't my only solution to marriage alhamdulilah. If i wasn't picky personality wise I would've been married by now. My difficulty lies in finding an older man who is divorced with no children, that I feel chemistry/connection with (within halal means of course) but thats a different story.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post

                                You shouldn't settle.

                                But it's a reality that you will be competing with women younger than you--often times much younger than you. And men always prefer younger women; 1st world or 3rd world.
                                Please do not underestimate the Qadr of Allah swt. I have female cousins in morocco who were also 20 years old once, that are over 40 now and still not married. All pretty and look after themselves mashallah with taqwah and a good family name behind them. Subhanallah their father died a long time ago and they're content with being unmarried and keeping their widowed mum company. What is meant to be will be as Allah knows best. Trying to put a single woman down for her age and tell me I have to compete with younger women will not serve you ajar. God forbid your daughter is in the same position as me, will you still be singing the same tune? I doubt it. Be careful with your sharp words, especially with a woman that is already fearful of her future. Yes, you hit a nerve.

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