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  • Alia11
    started a topic Moving out of in laws house

    Moving out of in laws house

    Aslaamwalikum. I have never done this before so bear with me. I really need some advice. So i recently got married about 7 months ago and i am currently living with my in laws, my husband and his two brothers. I would like to have my own space and move out but my husband doesnt want to anymore. I feel so depressed here.I just dont feel comfortable living here and can never be my self. My husband originally wanted to move out but i think once his mum and sister found out they have put words into his head. And now he had gone against thr idea. His mum and sister are always trying to hint stuff to me and his mum takes the mick out of me too. Ive really had enough. I dont know how to get him to move out and i am pregnant too now alhumdulilah. I have applied for a council place as i cant afford to rent privately. And the council have been told that we have enough room apparently so we dont need to move out. I am so stuck, i really cant speak to anyone else about this. Even if i go to my parents my mother in law has an issue with this but i do stick up for myself as i would never leave my parents for anyone. But i cant be myself in their house and the only place i can relax is in my room and if i do that aswell she calls me to come down. Please i really need some advice. I have spoken to my husband many times and have given up as he always argues about it. Its not like i expect him tp pay for it. I would happily pay.

  • Palpay
    replied
    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    Even thought this topic has been talked to death in Asian community, I feel like we still haven't found a perfect solution for this especially for todays society. I feel like us millennial have different approach to this vs. previous generation & I honestly believe we will find better set up than our predecessor did where everyone is happy to some extent. As a women who lives with her inlaws & as daughter of mom who has her DIL living with her, I see both end of struggle and advantages too. Trust me, its not easy for the MIL either especially when they can't send the grandkids home after playing with them. Sometimes old people want peace & house their own way too. But everyone feels like they are betraying age old culture if the split house plus the cost of living goes up with separate living. Unfortunately I don't have solution but planning together helps
    this is why more and more asian girls want to marry white guys.

    Leave a comment:


  • Palpay
    replied
    your MIL doesn't like it?

    sorry but it doesn't really matter if your MIL likes it or not, she has no rights over you and can't tell you what to do. so go to your parents house whenever you want and stay in your room too, why is she calling you downstairs - to do work? is she your MIL or your master??
    your pregnant you should be resting. tell your husband to tell his mummy to get off your case. or better yet just ignore her, you are not obligated to serve your in-laws, just your husband.

    Leave a comment:


  • Janna90
    replied
    Originally posted by Alia11 View Post
    Tbh i dont have much of a chance moving out now. We had a huge fight and just kept saying its not going to happen.
    Maybe try speaking to an imam, he doesn’t have to get involved. But just seek advice see what they say. Am sure they have dealt with people with similar situation.

    Leave a comment:


  • Alia11
    replied
    Tbh i dont have much of a chance moving out now. We had a huge fight and just kept saying its not going to happen.

    Leave a comment:


  • Umm Hamasa
    replied
    Originally posted by Alia11 View Post

    Thank you so much. That is very helpful i will show him this hope he wil understand. Really appreciate it
    No problem dear :) I am happy to have helped. I will in shaa Allah make dua that things get settled quickly in your favor. You deserve a place to be free and relax, especially since you are pregnant. May Allah grant your spouse understanding.

    Leave a comment:


  • Alia11
    replied
    Originally posted by Umm Hamasa View Post
    Salaam sister. It is a shari'a obligation that a man provides separate accomodation for his wife. In the meantime, please make lots of dua and have certainty that Allah Ta'ala will absolve you of your difficulty and raise your rank in the process. If we endure hardship with patience, therefore passing the test, Allah Ta'ala will become pleased with us and there will be much more barakah in your life overall including your marriage and He will provide a way out of your difficulty. Please show your husband this link and if he does not listen, you have the right to take the issue to an imam and have him come talk to him directly, as the husband is responsible for fullfilling the rights of his wife and whoever oversteps the bounds and hurts those Allah has entrusted within there care brings upon the wrath of Allah. And to Allah is our final destination.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/9496...and-his-family

    From the link:

    "The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, and not to share it with anyone, whether it is a father, a mother or a relative.

    This is the view of most of the Hanafi, Shaafa’i and Hanbali fuqaha’. She also has the right to refuse to live with his father, mother and siblings.

    Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i (4/24): If the husband wants to make her live with her co-wife or in-laws, such as the husband’s mother or sister or daughter from another wife or his relatives, and she refuses to do so, then he has to accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if they live together, and her refusal is an indication that she is being bothered or harmed. And because he needs to be able to have intercourse with her or be intimate with her at any time, and that cannot be done if there is a third person living with them. End quote.

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah favoured the view that if the husband is poor or unable to provide separate accommodation for his wife, she does not have the right to ask for something he is unable to give. This was narrated from him in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (5/122). Rather she should bear it with patience until Allaah gives him the means.

    To sum up, separate accommodation is the wife’s right, even if she did not stipulate it in the marriage contract, and she has the right to ask for it now, and she is not regarded as being wilfully defiant because of that. The commonly held view among some people, that this is creating division among siblings, is not true, because this is a shar’i right of the wife, and it serves the interests of both spouses, because it prevents free mixing and guards them against looking at things that are not permissible. It is unfortunate that in many shared family homes, a man may look at his brother’s wife, and they may shake hands or be alone together, which may lead to jealousy, envy, disputes and separation. There may also be arguments because of the children. Undoubtedly a man is a stranger (non-mahram) to his brother’s wife, so it is not permissible for him to shake hands with her or be alone with her or look at her, unless he is a mahram to her through some other means, such as breastfeeding.

    The one who looks at shared family homes will be certain of the wisdom of what the scholars have said, that a wife should have her own home, because in many of these homes there are problems and differences between the spouses and between a man and his brother, and between the wife and her husband’s mother, and so on, as well as the many evils and things that go against Islam."
    Thank you so much. That is very helpful i will show him this hope he wil understand. Really appreciate it

    Leave a comment:


  • Umm Hamasa
    replied
    Salaam sister. It is a shari'a obligation that a man provides separate accomodation for his wife. In the meantime, please make lots of dua and have certainty that Allah Ta'ala will absolve you of your difficulty and raise your rank in the process. If we endure hardship with patience, therefore passing the test, Allah Ta'ala will become pleased with us and there will be much more barakah in your life overall including your marriage and He will provide a way out of your difficulty. Please show your husband this link and if he does not listen, you have the right to take the issue to an imam and have him come talk to him directly, as the husband is responsible for fullfilling the rights of his wife and whoever oversteps the bounds and hurts those Allah has entrusted within there care brings upon the wrath of Allah. And to Allah is our final destination.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/9496...and-his-family

    From the link:

    "The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, and not to share it with anyone, whether it is a father, a mother or a relative.

    This is the view of most of the Hanafi, Shaafa’i and Hanbali fuqaha’. She also has the right to refuse to live with his father, mother and siblings.

    Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i (4/24): If the husband wants to make her live with her co-wife or in-laws, such as the husband’s mother or sister or daughter from another wife or his relatives, and she refuses to do so, then he has to accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if they live together, and her refusal is an indication that she is being bothered or harmed. And because he needs to be able to have intercourse with her or be intimate with her at any time, and that cannot be done if there is a third person living with them. End quote.

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah favoured the view that if the husband is poor or unable to provide separate accommodation for his wife, she does not have the right to ask for something he is unable to give. This was narrated from him in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (5/122). Rather she should bear it with patience until Allaah gives him the means.

    To sum up, separate accommodation is the wife’s right, even if she did not stipulate it in the marriage contract, and she has the right to ask for it now, and she is not regarded as being wilfully defiant because of that. The commonly held view among some people, that this is creating division among siblings, is not true, because this is a shar’i right of the wife, and it serves the interests of both spouses, because it prevents free mixing and guards them against looking at things that are not permissible. It is unfortunate that in many shared family homes, a man may look at his brother’s wife, and they may shake hands or be alone together, which may lead to jealousy, envy, disputes and separation. There may also be arguments because of the children. Undoubtedly a man is a stranger (non-mahram) to his brother’s wife, so it is not permissible for him to shake hands with her or be alone with her or look at her, unless he is a mahram to her through some other means, such as breastfeeding.

    The one who looks at shared family homes will be certain of the wisdom of what the scholars have said, that a wife should have her own home, because in many of these homes there are problems and differences between the spouses and between a man and his brother, and between the wife and her husband’s mother, and so on, as well as the many evils and things that go against Islam."

    Leave a comment:


  • Janna90
    replied
    Originally posted by Alia11 View Post
    I have tried many times to talk to him but he just gets angry and tells my to go and get my own place so im not really getting anywhere with it tbh.
    I may be wrong but it sounds like he never really had the intention of moving, otherwise you would have seen him trying to get a place when you found out you was pregnant. But now he sees you were actually serious he doesn’t know how to respond so he’s just creating arguments. Otherwise why would he get angry just because you mentioned it. I think maybe talk to your family and ask them to talk about it with him. Is this something you can do? Are your family supportive?

    Leave a comment:


  • Alia11
    replied
    I have tried many times to talk to him but he just gets angry and tells my to go and get my own place so im not really getting anywhere with it tbh.

    Leave a comment:


  • Alia11
    replied
    Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
    You know, when sons hint they want to go separate, desi parents usually emotionally blackmail and guilt them by saying stuff like "You're leaving us all alone in our old age when we need you the most" , "You're becoming a 'jodu ka ghulam', preferring your wife of a few days over us," "You're changing colours now just because you've got a wife," "Your lazy wife doesn't want to do chores , that's why she's demanding a seperate home", "Your selfish wife wants you all to herself, that's why she's sowing seeds of discord between you and your family. She is bent on tearing our dear family apart", "You're being a disobedient and disloyal son", "Now that you're married, you're forgetting the khidmat and haq due on us" etc etc . Then they will remind him of everything they did , the countless sacrifices they made for him since his birth, his education etc etc

    For many desis, a DIL is seen as their retirement plan. They just want her around for her free maid services - someone to do all their cooking, cleaning and laundry without a murmur. Even if not all, they want her to share the household chores. They're jealous that the new wife will enjoy her freedom in her house with minimal work while they still have to work in the age when other women are putting their feet up.

    All this while, they've been managing just fine but once a DIL comes, the MIL gets a backache and headache and joint aches and arthritis and what not.

    Sometimes, they're just old-school folks who believe that all their children must live happily under one roof as long as they're alive. Things like privacy are alien concepts which don't make sense to them. They think having a seperate bedroom and bathroom is enough for a couple.

    And, comparatively, the expenditure if a guy goes separate ( rent, bills, furniture, food etc) will be more , so, the son is warned that it'll be more economical for him to stay joint. A DIL who wishes for a separate place is seen as a villain.

    Also, since they've lived with their son all their lives, they're bound to be deeply attached and don't wish to part from him. They believe in being together everyday, not seeing him just once a week for a few hours like a guest. Now that their grandchild is on the way, they would want to be a big part in his/her life. Th son also feels a sense of moral obligation towards them, so, he does not want to disrespect them or displease them by moving away from them.

    Sister, you'll have to deal with this with tact and wisdom. Try to win your husband over with reason and understanding, don't pour out your anger and frustration on him. Be patient. It's not easy for the guy to be sandwiched in between, so keep his feelings in consideration as well. He's more likely to listen to you if you explain your situation respectfully.

    As far as possible, try to keep things cordial and amicable witg the in-laws so that even when you eventually go to live separately, there's not much bitterness or resentment or ill-feelings towards you. Your children should be raised in a manner that they love relatives of both their mom and dad's side equally. Never forget your akhlaq and morals while striving for your rights. Maintain relations in such a way that the doors of your in-laws' house are always wide open and welcome for you.

    Remember, you can fight and go your own way or you can go live separately in peace...there's a massive difference between the two.
    Thank you very much

    Leave a comment:


  • usernametaken
    replied
    I think when a dil moves in to her new home she more often than not has to adjust to someone elses way of living that doesn't clash with every family member.
    Last edited by usernametaken; 08-02-19, 06:50 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Kya
    replied
    Even thought this topic has been talked to death in Asian community, I feel like we still haven't found a perfect solution for this especially for todays society. I feel like us millennial have different approach to this vs. previous generation & I honestly believe we will find better set up than our predecessor did where everyone is happy to some extent. As a women who lives with her inlaws & as daughter of mom who has her DIL living with her, I see both end of struggle and advantages too. Trust me, its not easy for the MIL either especially when they can't send the grandkids home after playing with them. Sometimes old people want peace & house their own way too. But everyone feels like they are betraying age old culture if the split house plus the cost of living goes up with separate living. Unfortunately I don't have solution but planning together helps

    Leave a comment:


  • ~TwinklingStar~
    replied
    You know, when sons hint they want to go separate, desi parents usually emotionally blackmail and guilt them by saying stuff like "You're leaving us all alone in our old age when we need you the most" , "You're becoming a 'jodu ka ghulam', preferring your wife of a few days over us," "You're changing colours now just because you've got a wife," "Your lazy wife doesn't want to do chores , that's why she's demanding a seperate home", "Your selfish wife wants you all to herself, that's why she's sowing seeds of discord between you and your family. She is bent on tearing our dear family apart", "You're being a disobedient and disloyal son", "Now that you're married, you're forgetting the khidmat and haq due on us" etc etc . Then they will remind him of everything they did , the countless sacrifices they made for him since his birth, his education etc etc

    For many desis, a DIL is seen as their retirement plan. They just want her around for her free maid services - someone to do all their cooking, cleaning and laundry without a murmur. Even if not all, they want her to share the household chores. They're jealous that the new wife will enjoy her freedom in her house with minimal work while they still have to work in the age when other women are putting their feet up.

    All this while, they've been managing just fine but once a DIL comes, the MIL gets a backache and headache and joint aches and arthritis and what not.

    Sometimes, they're just old-school folks who believe that all their children must live happily under one roof as long as they're alive. Things like privacy are alien concepts which don't make sense to them. They think having a seperate bedroom and bathroom is enough for a couple.

    And, comparatively, the expenditure if a guy goes separate ( rent, bills, furniture, food etc) will be more , so, the son is warned that it'll be more economical for him to stay joint. A DIL who wishes for a separate place is seen as a villain.

    Also, since they've lived with their son all their lives, they're bound to be deeply attached and don't wish to part from him. They believe in being together everyday, not seeing him just once a week for a few hours like a guest. Now that their grandchild is on the way, they would want to be a big part in his/her life. Th son also feels a sense of moral obligation towards them, so, he does not want to disrespect them or displease them by moving away from them.

    Sister, you'll have to deal with this with tact and wisdom. Try to win your husband over with reason and understanding, don't pour out your anger and frustration on him. Be patient. It's not easy for the guy to be sandwiched in between, so keep his feelings in consideration as well. He's more likely to listen to you if you explain your situation respectfully.

    As far as possible, try to keep things cordial and amicable witg the in-laws so that even when you eventually go to live separately, there's not much bitterness or resentment or ill-feelings towards you. Your children should be raised in a manner that they love relatives of both their mom and dad's side equally. Never forget your akhlaq and morals while striving for your rights. Maintain relations in such a way that the doors of your in-laws' house are always wide open and welcome for you.

    Remember, you can fight and go your own way or you can go live separately in peace...there's a massive difference between the two.

    Leave a comment:


  • Amira01
    replied
    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post

    as soon as private accommodation is mentioned people get bad vibes and think you're an evil girl out to destroy the family lmso

    I remember my dad used to ask about it as subtly as possible because people get the wrong message, it's ironic because they want the same for their daughters so it is very frustrating when they refuse to understand from another family's perspective
    Omdays tell me about it.

    They will outright refuse the proposal because they think the girl is already trying to separate the family. 'Imagine what she'll do if she was actually in the house...no no..we don't a girl like that.'

    Don't get me started on the hypocrisy.

    Leave a comment:

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