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Parents won't let me marry me fiance- feeling depressed ( advice needed)

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  • Parents won't let me marry me fiance- feeling depressed ( advice needed)

    Assalam alaykum,

    I am a 21 year old female engaged to a 22 year old for almost two years. I met my fiancé through a mutual, and we decided that marriage was what we wanted to go ahead with. At the time, I was 19 and my fiancé was 20. I come from a family that takes culture very seriously and, my parents are pretty strict so I have become pretty afraid of opening up to them in fear of them hurting me. It took me a few months for me to introduce the idea that there’s this person I want to marry to dad and at first it went a bit difficult but after several conversations with him, I got him to agree to meet him and his family. Masha’allah they are very good people and know Allah.

    When meeting the family, my parents seemed to like them – but of course had many concerns such as , our age, our financial stability , his money and where we were going to live. We ended up getting engaged and throughout the whole engagement my dad was expecting his family to keep contacting us and try harder to set up family gatherings. He just seemed to be frustrated that my fiancés dad wasn’t really contacting him as much, and I tried to explain that its nothing personal and everyones busy. My fiancé believes that marriage should be made simple, with a simple nikkah and everything – which I completely wanted too. However, my dad didn’t like the idea and would just keep going on about how I want to be married off cheaply. I live in London, a very expensive city and I think it would be unfair to expect a very young man to have all these materialistic things unless he was from a rich background. Me and my fiancé decided that we would be happy to stay for a year or so at my soon to be in laws house until we secure a well paying job after we graduate. None of my family agree with this and take it has him being stingy. But I do not see why marriage should be delayed, we want to get the nikkah done for the sake of our deen.

    My family and his family have got into a couple unfortunate misunderstandings , one of which my dad lost control and said hurtful things. My fiancé was trying to stay calm but also unfortunately did get quite angry and became defensive and upset. This lead to his mother crying and leaving our house. Till this day, my dad seems to not realise the chaos that was caused and believes my fiancé is ill-mannered for sticking up for his family. My family would constantly make hurtful remarks about how stingy he is, how he’ll divorce me one day when he “uses” me and they believe im going to be the one paying all the bills. He hasn’t shown any signs of what theyre accusing him of and I feel like Im going crazy.

    After that first unfortunate occasion, things cooled off and we all met again and decided to do katb el kitab after the summer vacation. There was one rule: no consummation of marriage until I finish my studies and do a proper wedding– and although this seemed awfully controlling we agreed. My dad decided to book a 3 month holiday as soon as the date got nearer and didn’t mention anything about it to me nor did he ask the fiances family about any sort of plans. He just went on about how upset he was from my fiances dad for not messaging him as often, it just seemed like another reason to delay. My fiances dad realised his fault and started contacting my father more but my father would completely ignore him. From then, I just felt like my dad didn’t want this but he wouldn’t tell me directly.

    The katb el kitab was completely off the table since my dad had left the country. On the day my dad left, my sister sneaked on my phone and found a text of my fiancé expressing how upset he was that my dad was making this long and said something that my sister took out of context and misunderstood – I know were not supposed to text often. Behind my back, she told my mother and had an argument with my fiancé accusing him of faking the admiration he has for me and that he was just using me. She also tried to twist things and got my mum so angry to the point I was being called really hurtful things. My brother too ( who is much younger than me) started throwing threats and threatened to go hurt my fiancé. This all really put me in so much pressure and anxiety.

    During the three months my dad was absent, my family have been so hurtful and ive even been accused of zina because I wont give up on trying to get married to this person. they don’t understand that we agree in many things and have similar goals in life including pleasing allah. Its hard to come across that these days and ofcourse I do not want to let go. my mother has also said she wont forgive me if I marry him and that I wouldn’t go to Jannah. I love my mother so much but I just don’t know what to do. I always have listened to my parents despite how hard it has been growing up. My sister and brother just wont listen to me and think im faking my mental health illnesses. I feel like I do not have anyone. And now that my dad is back, theyre also twisted things to him and made it seem like my fiancé and his family are something theyre not. they made it seem like my fiancé was aggressive and that his family are nothing but dishonourable people. This lead to my dad saying he wont let me get married and he kept saying very very hurtful things about my fiancé and his family! Theyre forcing me to leave this person over materialistic things and high expectations, I fear letting go and being stuck in hurt and regret. I want to complete half my deen and progress in life and theyre holding me back.

    I feel so down and so lost and all I have right now is Allah. I need some advice. I really do not see myself marrying anyone else. I love my family a lot but theyre making it seem like its either them or us.

    JazakAllah khayr.
    Last edited by Chocolatefudge24; 29-01-19, 09:43 PM.

  • #2
    Approach your local imam and ask him for help and support. You are definitely not doing anything wrong by marrying the person you want to marry. Get support from relatives and elders to whom your parents will listen to.

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    • #3
      Also, try to get closer to Allah, make istighfar, pray istikhara. When Allah helps you there is no one who can stand against you. This is obvious and I'm positive you would have done this but it never hurts to remind! Don't lose hope and ruin your mental health, then it will be easier for people to oppose you. Instead try to stay strong, brave and confident. Stand up strong and take what you want in life. If you're meek and soft people will walk over you without hesitation.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by IsaahM View Post
        Approach your local imam and ask him for help and support. You are definitely not doing anything wrong by marrying the person you want to marry. Get support from relatives and elders to whom your parents will listen to.

        Jazakaallah khair for your advice. My family members don’t have much of an influence on what my parents decide. My parents have convinced them that I’m wrong and that I’m ruining our family life. My relatives have a very similar mentality to my parents so it’s hard to make them understand. I know that I should go to the imam and try seek help but I just fear this all exploding and I end up losing my family. But it just seems like they’re not working as hard as I am to arrive to a solution. I’ve even hinted that I’d ask the imam to be a wali because their reasons are islamically invalid just to sort of see if they’d be scared of losing me- but that didn’t work. I just got threatened.

        Its sad because ive been so Low for so long and every time I’m crying my parents and siblings ignore me or ask why I am and dismiss my reasons as invalid telling me to grow up and be stronger.

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        • #5
          may Allah make this easy on you! It's such a tough situation but persevere!! Stick to this if you know it's right and make duaa to Allah to make you strong enough for this test

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          • #6
            Your parents are holding your happiness hostage. That is selfish, inconsiderate, controlling and cruel. If this man is good and has taqwa then you to take control of your life and go to the local masjid and see if the imam can talk some sense into your parents.
            "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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            • #7
              Listen to your parents.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post
                may Allah make this easy on you! It's such a tough situation but persevere!! Stick to this if you know it's right and make duaa to Allah to make you strong enough for this test


                JazakAllah khayr. Ameen ya rab! It’s truly tough, I just want to do the right thing. In a big dilemma :(

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Musbah View Post
                  Your parents are holding your happiness hostage. That is selfish, inconsiderate, controlling and cruel. If this man is good and has taqwa then you to take control of your life and go to the local masjid and see if the imam can talk some sense into your parents.

                  May allah soften their hearts. I do think that I need to do this inshallah. Alhamdullilah this person has encouraged me so much deen wise and yes, we all have flaws but I just truly see this person as an ideal Muslim husband. I just fear that I break my parents hearts but I just cannot continue to live this way

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Chocolatefudge24 View Post


                    May allah soften their hearts. I do think that I need to do this inshallah. Alhamdullilah this person has encouraged me so much deen wise and yes, we all have flaws but I just truly see this person as an ideal Muslim husband. I just fear that I break my parents hearts but I just cannot continue to live this way
                    You know you have a winner when that person brings out the best in you especially if that person helps you in your Deen to be a better Muslim. May Allah Azza wa Jal make things easy for you to reach your happiness. Ameen.
                    "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                      Listen to your parents.
                      It’s more complicated than that. We are obliged to honour and respect and love our parents but when it comes to stuff like this Allah has given us a right to choose who we want to marry. to not accept someone for reasons that are unislamic would be unfair. Of course if it’s written that he isn’t nor for me ofcourse Allah is the best of planners but for now I’m being forced to get over something I want. I want to complete half my deen with this person and my parents have other motives ... would you still listen to your parents then?

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                      • #12
                        Amazing how you're willing to argue with your whole family over a guy you met two minutes ago...he's not your fiance; if your wali doesn't agree with it then he is nothing to you.

                        Just back off for a while, let everyone cool down. The fact your siblings are also against this is very telling...

                        Do istikhara...


                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Musbah View Post

                          You know you have a winner when that person brings out the best in you especially if that person helps you in your Deen to be a better Muslim. May Allah Azza wa Jal make things easy for you to reach your happiness. Ameen.
                          JazakAllah khayr. I appreciate it! Ameeeeen

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by shay5 View Post
                            Amazing how you're willing to argue with your whole family over a guy you met two minutes ago...he's not your fiance; if your wali doesn't agree with it then he is nothing to you.

                            Just back off for a while, let everyone cool down. The fact your siblings are also against this is very telling...

                            Do istikhara...

                            Well , I’m pretty sure he has been my fiancé for the past two years and my parents have known that ... it’s only recently that my dad explicitly said he doesn’t want anything to do with them. I feel like I’ve been mislead and my dad has not wanted this to happen from the start but went with it. I love my family and I’ve given them space but it’s really affecting my mental wellbeing having to put up with their continuous comments and threats which is why I want to solve this. My siblings are younger than me and have little to no experience it would be unwise to listen them entirely when they just get excited over the drama and it would be unwise to listen to them too as they do not seem to care about my feelings and how hurt they’ve made me feel even if they don’t not agree with me marrying this guy. It just seems like there’s 0 love and support. So I truly feel alone. I’m not arguing with anyone I’m just struggling to find inner peace and contentment with all these crazy accusations and crazy insults being thrown at me just because I want to complete half my deen in a way that doesnt seem familiar with their culture.

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                            • #15
                              Pray istikhara sister. The dua in istikhara is very nice and it is really helpful for people in dilemmas. Allah will facilitate what is better for you.

                              By the way, like your parents said and like I said before, grow up and be strong and brave. Don't behave like a damsel in distress and work yourself into mental illnesses. Be strong and stand tall and show them that you are capable of making your own decisions and being independent. If you behave like a doormat then people will walk over you without doubt. Be stern and cold when you need to and don't be pushed over so easily. Pray tahjjudd every night. When we make dua we shouldn't ask Allah to magically change our surroundings, we should be making dua for Allah to change us so that we can deal with our problems.

                              In the Quran Allah says that He will not change the condition of people until they change the condition inside of themselves.

                              Maybe this is a test to see whether you are ready for marriage. Marriage and married life isn't a joke and it isn't easy. Look around on this forum and you will see the number of people who are having problems in their married life. Unless you can brave up and set yourself strong then you aren't ready for marriage? Maybe Allah SWT in his glory and wisdom is waiting for you to show change in yourself before he gives you what you ask for. Does this make sense? I hope you're getting the point...

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