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  • Should I give up?

    I met a guy at my uni very unexpectedly, I admire a lot of things about him and I very strict on myself with lowering the gaze and trying not to think about him. But he's a good guy, I really feel like he is. So I've been making duaa about him for over a year now, that he's khair for me and that I'm khair for him, and that we're able to be together dunya and akhira. I have good intentions with him, I see so many things about him that i've never seen in a guy before. Actually I always assumed i wasn't going to ever find a guy because all of the guys from my culture are just bad.. until I met him. Both of us have so much in common with regards to the deen, and just our values in general, i really still cant believe it. All of our conversations have been within limits, we are both not the type to do otherwise. He graduated last year, and I assumed that that would be the end of this, (if there was really anything). I know it's wrong to daydream and think, so I told myself that i'd have to cut him out of my memory by the time uni starts again in the fall. I did in a way but, I I found it hard for me to stop making duaa about him, every opportunity I'd get I'd talk to Allah and cry to him about this guy. Anytime it rained, before fajr, after every single salah, during every rukuu, all of ramadan, I'd even get up the last 3rd of the night and just speak to Allah and make duaa and cry. This "test" has really brought me closer to Allah in so many ways, Alhamdulilah.

    Anyways, the fall semester started again, and on a really random day I see him on campus again, I was shocked because I really thought that i'd never see him again, so I cried because it was Friday and I made duaa to Allah to help me stop thinking about him, but on my way to salah I see him. We've exchanged a couple more texts for a couple days and now they've ceased. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I really admire him for Allah's sake, and here I am, over a year since i've met him, and i'm still making duaa for him. I have faith in Allah, I'm not asking for anything wrong. But there is a part of me that's telling me to give up, that this is the end, that nothing more will come out of this. I know in the end Allah is the best of planners and what he decrees will always be better than anything I had in mind, so I don't know if I should stop making duaa for him or not. I don't want to give up, I don't know if I should, or if I have to even.

    I'm really confused, I'm not the type of person to give up, so I don't know if my personality is keeping me from stopping this and /or if this is the right thing to do.

  • #2
    In Islam, if you like someone then send a proposal through the wali, if nikah cant be done then forget about the guy immediately and try to get married asap.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post
      I met a guy at my uni very unexpectedly, I admire a lot of things about him and I very strict on myself with lowering the gaze and trying not to think about him. But he's a good guy, I really feel like he is. So I've been making duaa about him for over a year now, that he's khair for me and that I'm khair for him, and that we're able to be together dunya and akhira. I have good intentions with him, I see so many things about him that i've never seen in a guy before. Actually I always assumed i wasn't going to ever find a guy because all of the guys from my culture are just bad.. until I met him. Both of us have so much in common with regards to the deen, and just our values in general, i really still cant believe it. All of our conversations have been within limits, we are both not the type to do otherwise. He graduated last year, and I assumed that that would be the end of this, (if there was really anything). I know it's wrong to daydream and think, so I told myself that i'd have to cut him out of my memory by the time uni starts again in the fall. I did in a way but, I I found it hard for me to stop making duaa about him, every opportunity I'd get I'd talk to Allah and cry to him about this guy. Anytime it rained, before fajr, after every single salah, during every rukuu, all of ramadan, I'd even get up the last 3rd of the night and just speak to Allah and make duaa and cry. This "test" has really brought me closer to Allah in so many ways, Alhamdulilah.

      Anyways, the fall semester started again, and on a really random day I see him on campus again, I was shocked because I really thought that i'd never see him again, so I cried because it was Friday and I made duaa to Allah to help me stop thinking about him, but on my way to salah I see him. We've exchanged a couple more texts for a couple days and now they've ceased. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I really admire him for Allah's sake, and here I am, over a year since i've met him, and i'm still making duaa for him. I have faith in Allah, I'm not asking for anything wrong. But there is a part of me that's telling me to give up, that this is the end, that nothing more will come out of this. I know in the end Allah is the best of planners and what he decrees will always be better than anything I had in mind, so I don't know if I should stop making duaa for him or not. I don't want to give up, I don't know if I should, or if I have to even.

      I'm really confused, I'm not the type of person to give up, so I don't know if my personality is keeping me from stopping this and /or if this is the right thing to do.

      I know this an emotional rollercoaster for you, sister, and respect for all your concern for your deen and salah and dua. Allah keep you and all of us content and at peace always, ameen.

      But right now, push emotion aside, just from the forefront, not entirely of course.

      Focus on being practical. Let the brother know through a wali or a sister (if a sister, make it anonymous first, ie. there is a sister interested in you) that there is interest. Also remember your blessings, you are educated and you are young. These are the two most powerful advantages you have, alhamdulillah.

      Too many Muslims end up in marriages that were second choices or even just alone - alone - because there was someone interested but who never got it together to tell them they were. It's such a waste.

      Give your emotions a bit of a push aside, be proud of yourself and grateful to Allah for what He's given you, trust in Him, and be practical about just letting this brother know you have interest. Many brothers simply assume there is none, you need to be proactive inshaAllah.


      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by savo234 View Post
        In Islam, if you like someone then send a proposal through the wali, if nikah cant be done then forget about the guy immediately and try to get married asap.
        Yes but thereís a lot thatís keeping me from doing that. Itís not really good for a girl to do that in my culture, also what if he doesnít feel the same way, like what if heís not interested thatís why he hasnít asked for me?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by matcha View Post


          I know this an emotional rollercoaster for you, sister, and respect for all your concern for your deen and salah and dua. Allah keep you and all of us content and at peace always, ameen.

          But right now, push emotion aside, just from the forefront, not entirely of course.

          Focus on being practical. Let the brother know through a wali or a sister (if a sister, make it anonymous first, ie. there is a sister interested in you) that there is interest. Also remember your blessings, you are educated and you are young. These are the two most powerful advantages you have, alhamdulillah.

          Too many Muslims end up in marriages that were second choices or even just alone - alone - because there was someone interested but who never got it together to tell them they were. It's such a waste.

          Give your emotions a bit of a push aside, be proud of yourself and grateful to Allah for what He's given you, trust in Him, and be practical about just letting this brother know you have interest. Many brothers simply assume there is none, you need to be proactive inshaAllah.

          Jazak Allah Khair for your response, but Iím afraid of being too upfront with him and possibly scaring him away. Iím not sure how I can show him that Iím interested... Iím a pretty private person, I thought I made it somewhat clear that I was interested in him but Iím not sure (because again Iím a private person anything feels like a lot) also Iím not sure if he wants to get married (heís even more of a private person than I am).. lots of guys are too afraid to ask bc they donít have a steady job or enough money, but my parents donít mind that. All they are about is his deen and that he has a plan at least for what he wants to do in life. I wish I can tell him indirectly, I think thatís why he hasnít asked. I donít know...

          Comment


          • #6
            You don't have to stop making dua for him! There is absolutely no reason to stop making dua right? When you make dua for someone else, the angels make the same dua for you!! Increase in your worship and dua to Allah instead. You haven't done haram even though its so easy to do, instead you have left all your trust and faith on Allah right? Who better to rely on than Allah?? I am sure Allah will be pleased with you for trusting him and leaving your future in his hands. Make more dua, make more Istighfar and ask Allah to make it easy for you to marry who you want to marry. Inshallah He will make it more easy. It has brought you closer to Allah so in your closeness to Him keep asking him. Keep knocking on the door and eventually it will open for you right? It's very important for you to remember that patience is extremely important in Islam. So be patient. Don't be hasty. And don't think Allah is not answering your dua. Allah is in the opinion of his believer - do you know what this sentence means sister?

            Also, another thing to take note of is, you cant just pray for Allah to cure your sickness and lie in bed doing nothing. You have to visit the doctor, you have to take the meds and eat healthy. Basically means that you have to put in your effort too and leave the rest to Allah. I think someone here already gave some good advice, ask someone else to ask him (there is a sister interested in you, do you want to marry); or better yet just confide in your mother or father and have them approach him .Once you do this the matter will be off your chest and you will be able to think clearly and live normally without this weighing you down.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

              Jazak Allah Khair for your response, but Iím afraid of being too upfront with him and possibly scaring him away. Iím not sure how I can show him that Iím interested... Iím a pretty private person, I thought I made it somewhat clear that I was interested in him but Iím not sure (because again Iím a private person anything feels like a lot) also Iím not sure if he wants to get married (heís even more of a private person than I am).. lots of guys are too afraid to ask bc they donít have a steady job or enough money, but my parents donít mind that. All they are about is his deen and that he has a plan at least for what he wants to do in life. I wish I can tell him indirectly, I think thatís why he hasnít asked. I donít know...
              just ask him does he want to yes or no
              if he is tell him to come speak to your wali
              simple done

              no more wasting time
              no need for excessive chat
              or emotions going deep

              besides he wouldnt chat to you if he didnt like u

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post

                Yes but thereís a lot thatís keeping me from doing that. Itís not really good for a girl to do that in my culture, also what if he doesnít feel the same way, like what if heís not interested thatís why he hasnít asked for me?
                Ask a wali of yours or a close female friend to

                1) investigate more about guy.

                2) Approach him through wali or another friend without mentioning your name and ask him about his future plans and that such and such type of girl is interested in matriage. If everything goes okay then the intermediary can disclose your name.

                Culture doesnt matter here, Islam does. The advise I gave you is according to Islam. Now if this does not work out then forget about him.

                But you must immediately take steps to approach him via intermediary because.

                1) If you dont, he will be in your mind always.

                2) You will also think in the future that I should havr approached him.

                3) You will know Asap if its not for you and it will be rasier for you to move on.

                4) Approach him through a third party because of you approach him directly and he is a dodgy guy, he may end up misusing you.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post
                  I met a guy at my uni very unexpectedly, I admire a lot of things about him and I very strict on myself with lowering the gaze and trying not to think about him. But he's a good guy, I really feel like he is. So I've been making duaa about him for over a year now, that he's khair for me and that I'm khair for him, and that we're able to be together dunya and akhira. I have good intentions with him, I see so many things about him that i've never seen in a guy before. Actually I always assumed i wasn't going to ever find a guy because all of the guys from my culture are just bad.. until I met him. Both of us have so much in common with regards to the deen, and just our values in general, i really still cant believe it. All of our conversations have been within limits, we are both not the type to do otherwise. He graduated last year, and I assumed that that would be the end of this, (if there was really anything). I know it's wrong to daydream and think, so I told myself that i'd have to cut him out of my memory by the time uni starts again in the fall. I did in a way but, I I found it hard for me to stop making duaa about him, every opportunity I'd get I'd talk to Allah and cry to him about this guy. Anytime it rained, before fajr, after every single salah, during every rukuu, all of ramadan, I'd even get up the last 3rd of the night and just speak to Allah and make duaa and cry. This "test" has really brought me closer to Allah in so many ways, Alhamdulilah.

                  Anyways, the fall semester started again, and on a really random day I see him on campus again, I was shocked because I really thought that i'd never see him again, so I cried because it was Friday and I made duaa to Allah to help me stop thinking about him, but on my way to salah I see him. We've exchanged a couple more texts for a couple days and now they've ceased. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I really admire him for Allah's sake, and here I am, over a year since i've met him, and i'm still making duaa for him. I have faith in Allah, I'm not asking for anything wrong. But there is a part of me that's telling me to give up, that this is the end, that nothing more will come out of this. I know in the end Allah is the best of planners and what he decrees will always be better than anything I had in mind, so I don't know if I should stop making duaa for him or not. I don't want to give up, I don't know if I should, or if I have to even.

                  I'm really confused, I'm not the type of person to give up, so I don't know if my personality is keeping me from stopping this and /or if this is the right thing to do.
                  Here we go again, I lost count how many these kinds of issues or stories we had here on ummah forum lol. Sister I think you have been watching too many Disney and Bollywood movies they have messed your head up. We shouldn't get infatuated and obsessed over a person, obsession over anything is bad especially for a person, it can damage your psyche. What if this guy doesn't feels same about you? what if he rejects you? then what? if you don't stop you might hurt yourself seriously. People with usually low self-esteem get obsession with other people, they think they will get happiness and peace if they have this or that person but I am not sure they can give you true happiness. Many do get married after getting obsession with eachother but a few weeks or months later this feelings goes away, some also end up divorce. I think shaytaan maybe influencing you too he wants you do something sinful with him so careful.
                  I don't know what you asking from us and what do you mean by you don't give up but you haven't tried or done anything yet, you are just getting obsessing about him and making dua, do something about it by halal way. Didn't you also posted same story or issues a few months ago? Sorry if I sound bit hash but you need to be more stronger and don't allow anyone to mess your life up.
                  Last edited by ThisIsJannah; 21-01-19, 12:30 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by bamjamjamma View Post
                    I met a guy at my uni very unexpectedly, I admire a lot of things about him and I very strict on myself with lowering the gaze and trying not to think about him. But he's a good guy, I really feel like he is. So I've been making duaa about him for over a year now, that he's khair for me and that I'm khair for him, and that we're able to be together dunya and akhira. I have good intentions with him, I see so many things about him that i've never seen in a guy before. Actually I always assumed i wasn't going to ever find a guy because all of the guys from my culture are just bad.. until I met him. Both of us have so much in common with regards to the deen, and just our values in general, i really still cant believe it. All of our conversations have been within limits, we are both not the type to do otherwise. He graduated last year, and I assumed that that would be the end of this, (if there was really anything). I know it's wrong to daydream and think, so I told myself that i'd have to cut him out of my memory by the time uni starts again in the fall. I did in a way but, I I found it hard for me to stop making duaa about him, every opportunity I'd get I'd talk to Allah and cry to him about this guy. Anytime it rained, before fajr, after every single salah, during every rukuu, all of ramadan, I'd even get up the last 3rd of the night and just speak to Allah and make duaa and cry. This "test" has really brought me closer to Allah in so many ways, Alhamdulilah.

                    Anyways, the fall semester started again, and on a really random day I see him on campus again, I was shocked because I really thought that i'd never see him again, so I cried because it was Friday and I made duaa to Allah to help me stop thinking about him, but on my way to salah I see him. We've exchanged a couple more texts for a couple days and now they've ceased. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I really admire him for Allah's sake, and here I am, over a year since i've met him, and i'm still making duaa for him. I have faith in Allah, I'm not asking for anything wrong. But there is a part of me that's telling me to give up, that this is the end, that nothing more will come out of this. I know in the end Allah is the best of planners and what he decrees will always be better than anything I had in mind, so I don't know if I should stop making duaa for him or not. I don't want to give up, I don't know if I should, or if I have to even.

                    I'm really confused, I'm not the type of person to give up, so I don't know if my personality is keeping me from stopping this and /or if this is the right thing to do.
                    Sorry but that's so cringe...

                    Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by shay5 View Post

                      Sorry but that's so cringe...
                      hows shes making dua to Allah thats the best thing a muslim can do

                      infact whether she marries him or not this has brought her closer to Allah
                      she relies more on Allah and does night prayer
                      its good

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                        hows shes making dua to Allah thats the best thing a muslim can do

                        infact whether she marries him or not this has brought her closer to Allah
                        she relies more on Allah and does night prayer
                        its good
                        Yea, obviously I would never find someone making dua cringe but this is a bit of an OTT obsession with the guy...she could easily find out if he wants to get married...he clearly has her number, text her but never mentioned marriage...if he says no, then move on..
                        Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post

                          hows shes making dua to Allah thats the best thing a muslim can do

                          infact whether she marries him or not this has brought her closer to Allah
                          she relies more on Allah and does night prayer
                          its good
                          that's what I think, if we end up together or not, this has brought me closer to Allah in so many ways. I'm grateful for this relationship with Allah, even if its the only thing coming out of this

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ThisIsJannah View Post

                            Here we go again, I lost count how many these kinds of issues or stories we had here on ummah forum lol. Sister I think you have been watching too many Disney and Bollywood movies they have messed your head up. We shouldn't get infatuated and obsessed over a person, obsession over anything is bad especially for a person, it can damage your psyche. What if this guy doesn't feels same about you? what if he rejects you? then what? if you don't stop you might hurt yourself seriously. People with usually low self-esteem get obsession with other people, they think they will get happiness and peace if they have this or that person but I am not sure they can give you true happiness. Many do get married after getting obsession with eachother but a few weeks or months later this feelings goes away, some also end up divorce. I think shaytaan maybe influencing you too he wants you do something sinful with him so careful. You say it has brought you closer to Allah, has it really? I don't know whats inside your mind but I hope your not doing all these worship so Allah may grant you this guy, we should only do worship because we love Allah.
                            I don't know what you asking from us and what do you mean by you don't give up but you haven't tried or done anything yet, you are just getting obsessing about him and making dua, do something about it by halal way. Didn't you also posted same story or issues a few months ago? Sorry if I sound bit hash but you need to be more stronger and don't allow anyone to mess your life up.
                            Everything you said in this post was just hurtful and rude. You are assuming too many things about me. How could I ever use this guy as an excuse to get closer to my rab, only to get what I want? How could you even assume that? Even if you don't know me, as a muslim you should احسن الظن or always assume the better opinion of people. Also, I come for advice on this forum, and whether I post 2x 3x or even 10x about MY ISSUE shouldn't be a problem for you. If you are "over" these types of posts, then please do me and yourself a favor and don't read or don't reply.

                            I am not infatuated over this person, or overly obsessed... Alhamdulilah, I am confident in myself enough not to break myself down over this guy, and I am accepting of anything Allah wills for me because its all khair. There have been many times in my life where He hasn't shown me otherwise. Everything he wills for us is khair, because everything that comes from him is khair. This is what I mean by saying this test has brought me closer to Allah. If the only thing I get out of all of this is my relationship with Allah, then I am blessed, because nothing will ever top that.

                            please think twice before assuming negative things about people. I am a real person, and this is a real problem for me...JAK

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by IsaahM View Post
                              You don't have to stop making dua for him! There is absolutely no reason to stop making dua right? When you make dua for someone else, the angels make the same dua for you!! Increase in your worship and dua to Allah instead. You haven't done haram even though its so easy to do, instead you have left all your trust and faith on Allah right? Who better to rely on than Allah?? I am sure Allah will be pleased with you for trusting him and leaving your future in his hands. Make more dua, make more Istighfar and ask Allah to make it easy for you to marry who you want to marry. Inshallah He will make it more easy. It has brought you closer to Allah so in your closeness to Him keep asking him. Keep knocking on the door and eventually it will open for you right? It's very important for you to remember that patience is extremely important in Islam. So be patient. Don't be hasty. And don't think Allah is not answering your dua. Allah is in the opinion of his believer - do you know what this sentence means sister?

                              Also, another thing to take note of is, you cant just pray for Allah to cure your sickness and lie in bed doing nothing. You have to visit the doctor, you have to take the meds and eat healthy. Basically means that you have to put in your effort too and leave the rest to Allah. I think someone here already gave some good advice, ask someone else to ask him (there is a sister interested in you, do you want to marry); or better yet just confide in your mother or father and have them approach him .Once you do this the matter will be off your chest and you will be able to think clearly and live normally without this weighing you down.
                              Jazak Allah kahir for your response, you made me cry lol. You are right but Im kind of a shy person, I don't know how to open up and tell them about this guy

                              Comment

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