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Married for 5 years and still fighting

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  • Married for 5 years and still fighting

    Assalam o aleikum

    i have been married for 5 years.. alhumdulillah and we have a son who is 2 years old, mashALLAH. The problem here is that I always try to attain my husbands attention and we end up fighting... and since a year or two our fights have increased in to something called physical abuse .. he started it by slapping me once and i get so angry too so i decided to hit back because i feel he should know how much it hurts. we haven't ever involved our families except the last big fight ... my husband decided he has the right to call his sibling and tell the story of how the police came when neighbors heard us fighting physically and gave us a warning that either we will go to jail or they will take out child from us ..

    Now .. the fight started when my husband told me in my sleep that i need to change my son's diaper .. he was praying and my son kept sitting on the prayer mat. I truly understand his concern, but he could have moved to the other room or changed the baby himself. I woke up to him yelling that he's been asking me to wake up since 30 minutes and I told him i was in deep slumber and barely understood him .. to which he replied that I'm lying .. and that I did know he was asking me to change the baby ..

    Anyway,.. my husband has broken so many things around the home .. even the door .. now he, in his anger, threw my son's high chair and took his prayer mat to the other room to pray and he slammed the door so hard on his way in. I thought he had broken something again .. from the ironing table to the door to the iron .. sighs ..
    I became angry meanwhile thinking he was acting insane and childish that i said some heated words loudly outside the room .. yes i am harsh and angry .. I made the mistake of probing old topics about his mother .. whenever she wasn't nice to me or his sister in laws.. brothers etc .. but remember thats not where the fight started..

    Anyway, it escalated to physical and we hit eachother a lot .. The part came where he was threatening me to call his brother to tell him everything or my parents and he just wouldnt stop and i threw the remote at him in anger.. which hit him hard and after that it just became worse.. he called them but none picked as they were probably busy ..

    Anyway, when he was pulling my hair and trying to throw me outside the house by opening the door .. thats when i think the neighbors heard and they called the police. . the police knocked and my husband came to tell me to tell them that our son was the one making all that noise ... my husband had a cut on his face which was fresh and the blood wouldnt stop .. anyway, when the officer asked me what happened i just told him nothing .. and he kept probing ..

    He said why is the door broken and the cut on his face .. and i told him the truth that the door was from another time and the cut is he just got hurt (I lied) and i tried to convince him that my husband didn't hit me at all .. neither did I .. anyway, they said they wont make a domestic abuse case and they will put down in a report saying our son was the issue .. They gave my husband a warning that we know you guys were fighting and if you don't stop or theres another next time .. we will either take the child away or both of you will end up in jail. .

    So.. my husband and I didn't talk for at least 24 hours.. maybe a little more and then we kind of .. kind of .. made up.

    However, to my surprise, the storm hadn't surpassed and i woke up to knowing that my husband called his brother to tell him that we had a fight and the police came to give a warning and that I have a problem with his family .. that I dont like them etc etc .. he told him almost everything .. now the thing is idk what to do .. i feel embarrassed because i havent done much for my mil or in laws to deserve respect and the little i had .. he messed it all up .. he said he will call my mother as well ... tomorrow.. so basically the fight was over him throwing stuff and not changing his position or the baby's diaper and instead he told his brother that the fight was about me having problems with every single one of them and that they should stay away from me etc etc etc .. now Idk what to do .. please advise me because i was to have these things fixed .. i dont want any more poor relationships with my in laws .. i have had those already last year .. and i ended up with anxiety .. with medication ..

    About myself: I have noticed theres a cycle of me fighting .. im ok for some weeks and then we have a fight.. and its a vicious cycle.. do you think i have any mental health issues or am i just annoyed and an attention seeker or being too clingy and desperate to get my husband's attention??

    please pray for me .. for hidaayat.. pl z ..
    i dont pray regularly .. once in a blue moon .. for my hiidayat plz .

    JAZAKALLAH
    Starts
    12-01-19
    Ends
    13-01-19
    Last edited by sunshine785; 13-01-19, 06:11 AM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by sunshine785 View Post
    maybe a little more and then we kind of .. kind of .. made up.

    tmi

    the relationship doesn't seem healthy at all. You 2 should go for counseling. Wa alaikumsalam

    Comment


    • #3
      you made your husband bleed
      auoothubillah

      fear Allah your husband is your paradise and your hell


      your both to blame and you need councelling
      either this marriage will end in divorce or someone being murdered or your child being traumatised and becoming crazy and probably hitting his wife


      From Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 282

      Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660.

      Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

      Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

      Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “How are you with him?” She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfil.” He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfil his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that.

      Al-Mundhiri classed the isnaad of this hadeeth as jayyid in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb; it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, no. 1933.


      your husband could be the reason you enter paradise or jahannam i suggest u both fix up otherwise this marriage will end soon or your gonna gain alot of major sins


      and he did the right thing by telling family
      you guys need family involved its going too far

      and in islam when something bad happens if the couple cant deal with u get an arbitrator ie family

      Comment


      • #4
        Woah subhanAllah sis please please for the sake of yourself your man your kid and your akhira read this book and act upon it

        https://drive.google.com/file/d/1MR_...w?usp=drivesdk
        Please visit my Youtube cooking channel

        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiv...YMkhbbgtX-lL8Q

        Comment


        • #5
          There are two sides to every story.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Stoic Believer View Post
            There are two sides to every story.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by A.Basheer View Post

              Erm

              Comment


              • #8
                Your family needs to be involved.

                Your son cannot grow up in this toxic and abusive environment.

                You also need to recognise your flaws and work on fixing your attitude.


                Comment


                • #9
                  JazakALLAH to everyone who responded.. but may I ask doesnt anyone find that my husband hitting me before.. he need help ? he was the one who started physical violence.. and now i just defend myself .. i know both of us are wrong .. but i have bruises too .. i understand my husband is my paradise but im his wife too ..
                  Also, involving his family .. i dont think it was good idea.. he should have called my mother .. he said he tried but she didn't pick up

                  thank you for the book .. i will definitely read it.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Cptn._.Mario View Post


                    tmi

                    the relationship doesn't seem healthy at all. You 2 should go for counseling. Wa alaikumsalam
                    i told him just yesterday and he said he wont go anywhere .. and that telling other people like his brother is his counselling

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Indefinable View Post
                      Your family needs to be involved.

                      Your son cannot grow up in this toxic and abusive environment.

                      You also need to recognise your flaws and work on fixing your attitude.

                      i understand that .. the main reason i'm still here is due to my son
                      BUT
                      my husband stops hitting me .. but he doesnt work on any of his other falws.. how do i get attention from him?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        people have advised you as you are on here
                        if your husband was here they would advise him

                        but both of you are to blame and both of u need to fix up

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          This is a terrible situation. Perhaps a family intervention is needed to try and find a way forward that is in the best interests of all concerned. Hopefully there are some mature, adult like people who can help you both realise that both of you need to grow up and change your behaviour or end the marriage.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by sunshine785 View Post

                            i understand that .. the main reason i'm still here is due to my son
                            BUT
                            my husband stops hitting me .. but he doesnt work on any of his other falws.. how do i get attention from him?
                            He shouldn't be hitting you and you shouldn't be hitting him either.

                            Maybe you are too "overwhelming", don't seek his attention, give him space and hopefully he will come to you.

                            Focus on your son and his upbringing.

                            Be patient sister.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by sunshine785 View Post
                              JazakALLAH to everyone who responded.. but may I ask doesnt anyone find that my husband hitting me before.. he need help ? he was the one who started physical violence.. and now i just defend myself .. i know both of us are wrong .. but i have bruises too .. i understand my husband is my paradise but im his wife too ..
                              Also, involving his family .. i dont think it was good idea.. he should have called my mother .. he said he tried but she didn't pick up

                              thank you for the book .. i will definitely read it.
                              Yeaa.... I didn't know why that user was clutching his pearls over your husband bleeding. If my husband hit me; he would get worse than a remote coming his way. He would be lucky if he makes it out alive...I know some woman whose husband hit her, her brothers gave him the beating of his life, he was near death...they obviously went overboard but I know he won't try it again...

                              ..but both you and your husband lack respect ....you need to set some boundaries, for yourself too...if he hits you, throw him out the house (you can call the police, they can remove him from the home until you allow him back in) until he learns that it's wrong to hit a woman

                              If you're afraid his mother will call you in disgust, maybe you should raise some questions with her; ask her what kind of son she raised that thinks its ok to put his hands on a woman...

                              Also if you see an argument is getting heated, just remove yourself from it...you can get your points across when you've both calmed down...nothing is worth putting you or your child's life at risk

                              You both sound very toxic...

                              Women lost their modesty when men lost their gheerah..” .

                              Comment

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