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  • Marrying for the second time - Please advise.

    As Salaam-u-alaikum Dear brothers and Sisters.


    I am a 34-year-old widow with 3 kids. I lost my husband 3 years ago.

    Alhamdulilah, I have been blessed with a good paying job and I am able to see to myself and the kids needs comfortably.

    I received a marriage proposal recently and accepted after making Istikhara. The thing is my family doesn't seem to approve of me getting married again. As they feel that I am doing fine on my own as I am able to provide for my kids.

    The important thing I did not tell them is that this brother is already married and I will be his second wife. Judging by the way they have already decided that my job will look after me and that I don't need anyone to support me, I felt that they would certainly not entertain this idea of a Polygamous marriage so I omitted that detail.

    This brother is a good Muslim and finding someone who is willing to take on 3 kids that are not his own is very hard these days. But that was not the reason I accepted his proposal. My reason was because he is someone who is deeni inclined and will be able to guide my kids islamically. His wife supports her husbands decision.

    My dilemma is, if I go ahead with this Nikkah, I stand to loose my family as they will cut me off completely ( A similar scenario played out when I married my late husband, but alhamdulilah we were happily married for 10.5 years until his demise). And, do I now go and tell the brother that I can't go ahead with this Nikkah or do I defy my family (My parents are late, so it just my siblings), and go ahead with it anyway.


    Your thoughts and advice will be highly appreciated.


    Barakallah Feekum.
    Last edited by Maleeha; 10-01-19, 11:58 AM.

  • #2
    You are a mature widowed Muslimah with three kids your family has no right to hijack your happiness. What do they expect you to do, live the rest of your life celibate? If you perceive this man as good for you and your children then go ahead and take hold of your happiness. May Allah make it easy for you.
    Last edited by Musbah; 10-01-19, 02:39 PM.
    "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

    Comment


    • #3
      salaams to all

      its often the case that just based on "what will ppl say" that most IndoPak families live their entire lives.
      im assuming that OP is Desi-IndoPak.

      and its very commonly the case that all these cultural norms are against what Islam teaches.

      and Allah ta'ala knows best
      jazakallah
      Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
      very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

      Comment


      • #4

        Looks like you have a problem! if you are not happy to loose your family then tell them to find you a spouse where you and your family can agree on so everyone is happy. If I was a sister
        and married but later on I get problems with my spouse or I want to get divorce, who am I going to turn for support or just to talk? if I don't have my family especially my parents. After Allah and his Messenger, parents are most important. In our life people come and go e.g your friends or spouse can leave you anytime but parents are forever even if you don't get on with them. I think many wouldn't marry a sister with kids as his first wife but maybe willing to take her his second wife but I agree is very hard. I hope things out work for you well.

        Comment


        • #5
          i will go with what brother thisisjannah said
          tell them to find you a spouse
          you know what will make a good husband so when they bring u potentials you can judge them

          there will be more men who will take widows with children if its a divorced man or man looking fkr polygamous marriage
          i have seen this in real life


          one thing sister you have to be careful because alot of the time divorced and widowed sisters get taken advantage especially in polygamous marriages
          when you say hes deeni inclined can you elaborate on this please

          also is he willing to provide food sheltor clothing for you and your children if you stop working
          because in future you may not always be working

          is he able to give you equal time as his other wife and willing to take care of your children, spend time with them and teach them about islam and help them in terms of school and all the other dunya stuff

          also make sure you have a number of meetings with him and get to know his charachter
          ask things like does he get angry
          how does he solve disputes
          whats his pet peeves
          whats something that he needs to improve on

          also try to have a meeting with his wife if u havent speak to her and see how she is
          Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 10-01-19, 04:01 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Did you introduce this man to your family prior to accepting his proposal? perhaps getting their thoughts on him and them being comfortable with him would have made it easier.
            Have u met and spoken to the wife about having to half her and her kids time etc with their father? If the wife creates "issues" later down the line, that is drama you can do without.
            As mentioned, is the brother able to support two families, or is it just his companionship he will be bringing to the table? (you having 3 kids already is neither here nor there if he has no responsibility towards them and will only be looking after his own children).

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Abu julaybeeb View Post
              i will go with what brother thisisjannah said
              tell them to find you a spouse
              you know what will make a good husband so when they bring u potentials you can judge them

              there will be more men who will take widows with children if its a divorced man or man looking fkr polygamous marriage
              i have seen this in real life


              one thing sister you have to be careful because alot of the time divorced and widowed sisters get taken advantage especially in polygamous marriages
              when you say hes deeni inclined can you elaborate on this please

              also is he willing to provide food sheltor clothing for you and your children if you stop working
              because in future you may not always be working

              is he able to give you equal time as his other wife and willing to take care of your children, spend time with them and teach them about islam and help them in terms of school and all the other dunya stuff

              also make sure you have a number of meetings with him and get to know his charachter
              ask things like does he get angry
              how does he solve disputes
              whats his pet peeves
              whats something that he needs to improve on

              also try to have a meeting with his wife if u havent speak to her and see how she is
              She is no longer an innocent young daughter of her parents but an independent widowed woman with three children who is self sufficient. She doesn't need them to find her anything. She knows what she is looking for and having family members do it for her at this point comes off as condescending.
              "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Musbah View Post

                She is no longer an innocent young daughter of her parents but an independent widowed woman with three children who is self sufficient. She doesn't need them to find her anything. She knows what she is looking for and having family members do it for her at this point comes off as condescending.
                the reason i said that is because her parents dont want her marrying again

                if she marries this guy her family will cut her off
                her family is more important than this potential
                spouses come and go parents dont

                hence i said get your parents to look for you
                that way they will get someone they are happy with and she can judge if she likes them or not


                no point her marrying this guy and her family cuts ties with her
                Last edited by Abu julaybeeb; 10-01-19, 05:31 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  This is not the decision of her parents. This must be a Indian/Pakistani thing. Where too much emphasis is on what the parents think and want and not the person who is a matured adult wants. If her family cuts her off then that says more about her family then it does her. The family has no right to cut off relations because she seeks happiness that they don't want. That is complete selfish oppression. What is the matter with people these days. People just wanting to exercise control over their children from crib to casket. Inexcusable passive aggressive behavior.
                  "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Musbah View Post
                    This is not the decision of her parents. This must be a Indian/Pakistani thing. Where too much emphasis is on what the parents think and want and not the person who is a matured adult wants. If her family cuts her off then that says more about her family then it does her. The family has no right to cut off relations because she seeks happiness that they don't want. That is complete selfish oppression. What is the matter with people these days. People just wanting to exercise control over their children from crib to casket. Inexcusable passive aggressive behavior.

                    we all know its up to the sister
                    infact some fuqaha say a divorce or widow does not need her fathers permission although many say they do

                    but what do you suggest to keep her family from cutting ties with her

                    not everyone in the world will hear a hadith and go i hear and obey
                    sad but thats the truth
                    u cant expect everyone to be the way islam says
                    u have to deal with the cards that are on the table
                    and find the most convenient choice whilst also avoiding haram

                    and this is why i suggested it
                    keep parents happy and the sister can also have a husband

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Maleeha View Post
                      As Salaam-u-alaikum Dear brothers and Sisters.


                      I am a 34-year-old widow with 3 kids. I lost my husband 3 years ago.

                      Alhamdulilah, I have been blessed with a good paying job and I am able to see to myself and the kids needs comfortably.

                      I received a marriage proposal recently and accepted after making Istikhara. The thing is my family doesn't seem to approve of me getting married again. As they feel that I am doing fine on my own as I am able to provide for my kids.

                      The important thing I did not tell them is that this brother is already married and I will be his second wife. Judging by the way they have already decided that my job will look after me and that I don't need anyone to support me, I felt that they would certainly not entertain this idea of a Polygamous marriage so I omitted that detail.

                      This brother is a good Muslim and finding someone who is willing to take on 3 kids that are not his own is very hard these days. But that was not the reason I accepted his proposal. My reason was because he is someone who is deeni inclined and will be able to guide my kids islamically. His wife supports her husbands decision.

                      My dilemma is, if I go ahead with this Nikkah, I stand to loose my family as they will cut me off completely ( A similar scenario played out when I married my late husband, but alhamdulilah we were happily married for 10.5 years until his demise). And, do I now go and tell the brother that I can't go ahead with this Nikkah or do I defy my family (My parents are late, so it just my siblings), and go ahead with it anyway.


                      Your thoughts and advice will be highly appreciated.


                      Barakallah Feekum.
                      Have you had a mahram or another male talk to him? If it is only you who has been doing the talking then I would be very careful about the way you two communicate and what he tells you.

                      Talk to your family and tell them in a nice way that it is not haraam for you to get married again. That you have been alone since your husband passed away, you are still young and you want companionship.

                      You say he is deeni inclined and will be able to guide your kids islamically. Have you seen or know how he has guided his children if he has any from the first wife. Also to be honest you should guide your kids islamically whether you remarry or not.

                      You know your family well and how important they are to you. Also inshaAllah further down the line they may come to accept your decision. They are your siblings so woukd they really cut you and your kids off over you marrying again?

                      Find out as much as you can about him and get male family members involved in that process too. Of your siblings do not help then ask some other male relatives or your friends husbands/brothers.

                      You do not need to hide that fact that he is already married unless there is something to really hide. Also do not become his secret wife.

                      Hope Allah swt guides you to what is best for you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Parents do have say in their children's marriage, after all they are the one who brought them to this world with all the hard work involved. His deeni that's good, what about his character?
                        Last edited by ThisIsJannah; 11-01-19, 12:00 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Musbah View Post

                          She is no longer an innocent young daughter of her parents but an independent widowed woman with three children who is self sufficient. She doesn't need them to find her anything. She knows what she is looking for and having family members do it for her at this point comes off as condescending.
                          This seems a bit arrogant,

                          Even for a man, his parents should be looking for a righteous wife, regardless if he's "self sufficient" or not, and he should listen to his parents, not just go, "I'm self sufficient, dont need ya," facepalm.

                          Children these days are far too arrogant with little adab.

                          ​​
                          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post

                            This seems a bit arrogant,

                            Even for a man, his parents should be looking for a righteous wife, regardless if he's "self sufficient" or not, and he should listen to his parents, not just go, "I'm self sufficient, dont need ya," facepalm.

                            Children these days are far too arrogant with little adab.

                            ​​
                            This is a woman with 3 children. She is not a child. She doesn't need to be threatened with being ostracized from her family because they feel she shouldn't be married. It is not them who wake up every morning with an empty bed. She deserves to seek companionship and happiness without being made to feel she is doing something wrong for wanting it. Common sense not arrogance.
                            "When a man sees the road as long he weakens in his walk." Ibn Qayyim

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ThisIsJannah View Post
                              Looks like you have a problem! if you are not happy to loose your family then tell them to find you a spouse where you and your family can agree on so everyone is happy. If I was a sister
                              and married but later on I get problems with my spouse or I want to get divorce, who am I going to turn for support or just to talk? if I don't have my family especially my parents. After Allah and his Messenger, parents are most important. In our life people come and go e.g your friends or spouse can leave you anytime but parents are forever even if you don't get on with them. I think many wouldn't marry a sister with kids as his first wife but maybe willing to take her his second wife but I agree is very hard. I hope things out work for you well.
                              Do you even read her entire post? Her parents have passed away (may Allah have mercy on their soul). It's only her siblings who have objections. I don't think they have a right to destroy her chance at happiness, especially since they don't have a good reason to begin with.

                              Comment

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